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dharpster

Lost and Confused

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My husband Rodney E Harpster passed away on March 15, 2016 however it feels like it was just yesterday. I've been lost since that day haven't been able to grieve due to the pain his family put me through. I'm more hurt by them cause I needed them the most never thought that I would be treated so badly. When he died Crystal, Kathy and Nick flew out to South Carolina to help me so I thought. They drove my mustang he bought me for my birthday back to Kansas and was supposed to park the car in the garage at our house in Pittsburg Kansas with all his clothing. It never happen I was also informed that if I didn't bury him where they wanted then it would be a legal battle on my hands. I tried to do everything to keep peace due to the fact my husband loved his family and I loved him so there was no way I would hurt them as they hurt me. The racial names me and my family was called at the funeral was embarrassing. I was pushed away as if I wasn't his wife due to my skin color. Everyday is a struggle for me to keep going I smiling but in the inside I'm falling apart. I lost my desire to do anything or fight for what is mine. Right after they got the car they informed me of a will he had written 10 years before I met him. I know that will did not stand up in court however when I went to pay my house off the bank turned me away would not accept my marriage license which is legal therefore accepting a will that was not legal or signed by a judge. So I lost my house, car, self respect, I lost myself. I hear the rumors she killed him and that hurts so much I was in Joplin Mo at the time when he died. When I retuned home he was sitting in a chair in the kitchen in the dark this was so unexpected. Also I was a gold digger believe me a gold digger would have let when he went broke,. When we moved to South Carolina we starved we had little money so we ate soup and sandwiches sometimes nothing but I knew god was going to bless us with a new start. My husband spent all his money regardless of what everyone think cause he was scared I would spend it all and leave him broke like Melissa did. I loved my husband so much and he loved me. I know god will give me back what I lost 10x more but I needed he support of his family they were apart of him and I wasn't ready to let go. So now here I am 5 and half hours away from everyone and everything I love trying to find my way but how do you do that when you don't know which way to go trying to run from the pain.

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49 minutes ago, dharpster said:

My husband Rodney E Harpster passed away on March 15, 2016 however it feels like it was just yesterday. I've been lost since that day haven't been able to grieve due to the pain his family put me through. I'm more hurt by them cause I needed them the most never thought that I would be treated so badly. When he died Crystal, Kathy and Nick flew out to South Carolina to help me so I thought. They drove my mustang he bought me for my birthday back to Kansas and was supposed to park the car in the garage at our house in Pittsburg Kansas with all his clothing. It never happen I was also informed that if I didn't bury him where they wanted then it would be a legal battle on my hands. I tried to do everything to keep peace due to the fact my husband loved his family and I loved him so there was no way I would hurt them as they hurt me. The racial names me and my family was called at the funeral was embarrassing. I was pushed away as if I wasn't his wife due to my skin color. Everyday is a struggle for me to keep going I smiling but in the inside I'm falling apart. I lost my desire to do anything or fight for what is mine. Right after they got the car they informed me of a will he had written 10 years before I met him. I know that will did not stand up in court however when I went to pay my house off the bank turned me away would not accept my marriage license which is legal therefore accepting a will that was not legal or signed by a judge. So I lost my house, car, self respect, I lost myself. I hear the rumors she killed him and that hurts so much I was in Joplin Mo at the time when he died. When I retuned home he was sitting in a chair in the kitchen in the dark this was so unexpected. Also I was a gold digger believe me a gold digger would have let when he went broke,. When we moved to South Carolina we starved we had little money so we ate soup and sandwiches sometimes nothing but I knew god was going to bless us with a new start. My husband spent all his money regardless of what everyone think cause he was scared I would spend it all and leave him broke like Melissa did. I loved my husband so much and he loved me. I know god will give me back what I lost 10x more but I needed he support of his family they were apart of him and I wasn't ready to let go. So now here I am 5 and half hours away from everyone and everything I love trying to find my way but how do you do that when you don't know which way to go trying to run from the pain.

Hi dharpster,

I'm sorry for your loss. It hurts to see how your husband's family is treating you. Why do they have to make it even worse? I guess they are grieving as well, but in a rather strange and unbelievable way.  I am so sad that you have to go through that. Sounds like you need real help from professionals, like a lawyer. I'm sorry that I don't know much about the Law in the states, but I think the marriage certificate you have is legally binding. Sincerely hope you can feel better, tho me myself don't know how to do that.

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KMB   

dharpster, Your story is so shocking and despicably sad, tragic. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could scoop you up and bring you to my home. I have read many tragic stories here and I cannot conceive how a loved ones family can switch gears and become so hostile and greedy. Unfortunately, loss can either bring out the best or the worst in people. They will have their karmic debt coming to them.

I so would encourage you to find an attorney who would be willing to fight for you and get back in some way the things you lost. As a legal wife, you are the entitled one to your husband's belongings, unless specified in a legally, notarized, binding will.

I am so sorry for your loss, your many other losses and all that you have been enduring. Keep your faith in God. At times, you will stumble in that faith, but try to keep a tight hold on it. God sees and hears all. He will help you and guide you through this new, unwelcome journey.:wub:

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Thank everyone. I have been holding this in for so long I needed to get it out I was going to therapy however she informed me that it has been a year and a half since my husband died and I needed to stop crying. So I stop going to her. I also spoke to an attorney and he informed me that I would have to sue the family and I just can't bring myself to do anything hurtful to them. I love my in laws still and dragging them through court wasn't what my husband would want. He was an kind and gentle man that would give his shirt off his back to help anyone.

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M88   

Hello dharpster - I send lots of hugs to you. I am so sorry for your loss.  And so sorry that your late husbands family have behaved so despicably to you - so wrong, sad and tragic!!  I feel so angry for you!!  I bet your husband would be very angry and disappointed with his family.  

What a gorgeous photo.  Your husbands happiness is so obvious - his expression like the cat that got the cream - but he did better as he is the man who got the beautiful bride. 

I'm so glad you have found us now, we welcome you with open arms to our wee grief family.  I know you will find compassion, understanding, comfort and love among us.  With all the crap and trauma you've had to endure, you're likely still in shock and feeling like the empty shell we all feel, or remember so well.  I do hope you feel you can release your pain with us and begin the grieving process.  You will already be very familiar with the hollow  'aloneness' of widowhood.  As we work through our grief and with time, that hollow aloneness gut-wrenching feeling does ease but it still hits you now'n again when you least expect it, but we learn coping skills which help us recover quicker.  

Again, I am so sorry you have lost so much and been treated so wickedly. Know we are here for you.  

Sending strength, love and hugs Xx

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Eagle-96   

Unbelievable that your therapist would say that to you. There is NO time limit on grief. No time frame for when to cry. But, again, I find myself becoming less and less surprised by the reactions we receive while in grief. My good friend is going through the 2 year anniversary of his sister's death today and when I texted him this morning he said "It's 6:47 and I've already cried twice today". 

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KayC   

I am so sorry for your loss and your experiences since.  Sean is right, there is no time limit on grief, you got a very uninformed therapist.  I would only see a professional grief counselor.  My mentor, Marty Tousley, has the following credentials:
 Fellow in Thanatology (FT) certification by the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC). The Fellow in Thanatology (FT) designation is an advanced professional certification for thanatology professionals working in the fields of grief, loss and transition. It recognizes practitioners and educators in the discipline of death, dying, and bereavement who have met specified knowledge requirements measured through a standardized testing process, and who demonstrate advanced levels of competency in teaching, research and/or clinical practice through a professional portfolio. 

Unless a person has these type of credentials, it's very likely you're dealing with someone that may be a Psychologist or other type of Therapist, but is not educated in GRIEF COUNSELING.  Many of us have more experience than they do with it!  Try to disregard what you were told in ignorance. Grief has no end, but it does change form and the intensity eventually lessens into something more manageable for us, thankfully.  1 1/2 years isn't even enough time to process it, it took me twice that time!  And then there is trying to find purpose, learning coping skills, adjusting, creating a life you can live...many more years of work.  This is not something quick or simple.

It's good to allow your tears to flow as they come, they are healing.  OMG, I couldn't abide anyone who would be so dismissive and clueless as to tell you what this therapist told you!  I wish I could have audience with her!

I have learned not to be surprised at what family does.  It's entirely up to you whether or not to fight for what is rightfully yours against people who would steal it from you and not care about you or what becomes of you.  I understand how hard it is to fight when you are drained, emotionally exhausted, and especially those who were his family!  But I hope this is not something you live to regret.  If you choose not to fight for what is rightfully yours, you will have to truly let it go and forgive them so it doesn't do you in.  Again, very hard.  It's so hard when what you really need is for these people to care about you, to help you, to embrace and be supportive of you.  I hope you have some good friends to lean on right now.  Regardless, you have this place to come to and we're in your court.

 

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KMB   

dharpster, I ditto what everyone else has said.  Your photo is so beautiful! Your husband's face says all of his feelings for you. If I were you, I would send a copy of that photo to each of his heartless relatives. If they cannot see your husband's obvious love and happiness shining through, they are blind and ignorant. They should be truly ashamed of themselves.

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