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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
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dharpster

Lost and Confused

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My husband Rodney E Harpster passed away on March 15, 2016 however it feels like it was just yesterday. I've been lost since that day haven't been able to grieve due to the pain his family put me through. I'm more hurt by them cause I needed them the most never thought that I would be treated so badly. When he died Crystal, Kathy and Nick flew out to South Carolina to help me so I thought. They drove my mustang he bought me for my birthday back to Kansas and was supposed to park the car in the garage at our house in Pittsburg Kansas with all his clothing. It never happen I was also informed that if I didn't bury him where they wanted then it would be a legal battle on my hands. I tried to do everything to keep peace due to the fact my husband loved his family and I loved him so there was no way I would hurt them as they hurt me. The racial names me and my family was called at the funeral was embarrassing. I was pushed away as if I wasn't his wife due to my skin color. Everyday is a struggle for me to keep going I smiling but in the inside I'm falling apart. I lost my desire to do anything or fight for what is mine. Right after they got the car they informed me of a will he had written 10 years before I met him. I know that will did not stand up in court however when I went to pay my house off the bank turned me away would not accept my marriage license which is legal therefore accepting a will that was not legal or signed by a judge. So I lost my house, car, self respect, I lost myself. I hear the rumors she killed him and that hurts so much I was in Joplin Mo at the time when he died. When I retuned home he was sitting in a chair in the kitchen in the dark this was so unexpected. Also I was a gold digger believe me a gold digger would have let when he went broke,. When we moved to South Carolina we starved we had little money so we ate soup and sandwiches sometimes nothing but I knew god was going to bless us with a new start. My husband spent all his money regardless of what everyone think cause he was scared I would spend it all and leave him broke like Melissa did. I loved my husband so much and he loved me. I know god will give me back what I lost 10x more but I needed he support of his family they were apart of him and I wasn't ready to let go. So now here I am 5 and half hours away from everyone and everything I love trying to find my way but how do you do that when you don't know which way to go trying to run from the pain.

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Eagle-96   

I am so very sorry for your loss and for the things his family has put you through. It's hard enough to deal with losing the love of your life without having to deal with everything else. Some people see death as an opportunity for gain. They see dollar signs and all other rational thought and compassion goes out the window. They say that tragedy brings out the best in people but I have found that it often times brings out the worst as well. After my wife's death I was told by my mother in law(who I had a great relationship with and love very much) that she blamed me for her death. That the stress I caused Lori caused her heart attack and her death. It was a punch to the gut and something I never would have expected in a million years. The rest of her family has been amazing and supportive in every way but to have my MIL plunge that knife into my back was a shock. My situation is nothing compared to what you have had to endure but know that you are not alone as there are many on this forum that have experienced some of what you have. Please come here when you need to as we are here for you with no pre-conceived notions and no judgement. I pray for your peace and comfort as you walk this road.

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KayC   

I am sorry for your loss and for what you've been through since.  You really need a lawyer, these people have no right to do what they've done.  Being his wife trumps his other family members.  I know it's hard to fight for yourself when you feel emotionally depleted, but the courts can rescind what's happened, even with your house.  It's up to you if you feel it's worth the fight.  Yes your husband loved his family, but you are the one he chose, you are number one to him and he would be appalled at how they've treated you.  Race shouldn't enter in, he CHOSE you!

You have found a safe place to be here, I hope you feel free to vent, unload, whatever you need here.  You are not alone in what you are going through.  My husband's family disappeared after he died, only three even attended his funeral, and he was always there for them!  he was from a family of eleven kids and only one lived beyond a couple of hours away.  His own dad didn't even come even though offered a ride!  One of his brothers tried to get his coin collection from me, not realizing we no longer even had it, why would he think he's entitled when George and I had our kids who would come first if we had something?  Not to mention I had hospital bills, ambulance, doctor bills pouring in, I had to remortgage my house to pay them all.  I told him he could have a hospital bill to remember him by, I never heard from him again.

Sometimes those we'd think we can count on are the ones who just aren't there for us.  In time you'll make new friends that will be there for you.  Have you considered going to a grief support group for widows?  It might help, I lead one here and love it, we've become very close and supportive of each other.

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57 minutes ago, KayC said:

I told him he could have a hospital bill to remember him by, I never heard from him again.

What a great line. My wife's family has been asking for things they have no right to. For example, I had bought her an extremely expensive designer purse which was Chicago Cubs themed. Someone in their family remembered her always carrying it and decided they wanted it. They've even messaged my mom after I said no and told her that they think Kayla would want them to have it.

My wife wanted to be cremated but didn't really want any visitation services. When she first passed, I was trying so hard to consider her family's feeling so I asked her dad to go with me to the funeral home to make arrangements. He decided that he would really like a long visitation so they could have family come from out of town. Even though I knew Kayla would hate that and I personally wouldn't be able to keep it together for a long service I agreed for them. My family and I provided all the refreshments and everything. Since then, her family has been terrible. Posting nasty things on our FB pages, harassing my family, and even vandalizing our house has become the norm for them. Meanwhile I'm stuck with a 7k funeral bill for a service neither Kayla or myself really wanted. It's funny that there have been no offers to help chip in on that isn't it? People are the worst.

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Francine   

I am so sorry for you, the loss of your husband and the way you were treated by his family; is appalling. I agree with KayC

6 hours ago, KayC said:

You really need a lawyer, these people have no right to do what they've done.  Being his wife trumps his other family members.  I know it's hard to fight for yourself when you feel emotionally depleted, but the courts can rescind what's happened, even with your house.  It's up to you

I know you want to keep peace, and that's a good thing. You were his WIFE and you shared a life and love together; whether they accepted it or not, you deserve the respect awarded to any grieving widow; and if you are not given that respect, then my suggestion would be to kick the dust of them off your feet and move one. You don't have to put people down in to stand up for yourself.  And you must stand up for yourself to keep from being put down, taken advantage of, or taken for granted.  Sometimes you have to give people a taste of their own medicine because they will hurt you in an attempt to heal themselves.   Don't accept anything you are not OK with. You can't always be nice; sometimes boundaries need to be set.

Wouldn't it be nice to see an America that would gradually move beyond race; unfortunately, we're just not there yet; made some strides, but have a way to go.   We were all just humans until race disconnected us; religion separated us, politics divided us, and wealth classified us.  We must let people know (no matter who they are) how we want to be treated, not only by our actions, but by our inaction as well.  Don't get me wrong; being non-confrontational is good, but not standing up and shying away from confrontations that others start will only lead to more.

It is up to you.  When you are ready to move beyond the pain, when you want to feel better, when you are ready to move beyond where you are, emotionally and spiritually, forgive them.  That doesn't mean you accept their behavior or trust them; forgive them for you so that you can let go and move on with your life. Remember, the way people act towards you is a statement of who they are as a human being; it's not a statement about you.

Stay strong because you are strong. You're in my prayers and I'm sending you a virtual *HUG*
 

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KayC   
6 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

They've even messaged my mom after I said no and told her that they think Kayla would want them to have it.

Haha, that's the line my brother-in-law used on me!  Not original...

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KayC   
55 minutes ago, Francine said:

Wouldn't it be nice to see an America that would gradually move beyond race; unfortunately, we're just not there yet; made some strides, but have a way to go.   We were all just humans until race disconnected us; religion separated us, politics divided us, and wealth classified us.  We must let people know (no matter who they are) how we want to be treated, not only by our actions, but by our inaction as well.  Don't get me wrong; being non-confrontational is good, but not standing up and shying away from confrontations that others start will only lead to more.

This makes me cry, I can't stand to see anyone treated badly because of race.  I'm afraid with all that's been going on politically lately that it has set us back, but regardless, it must really hurt to have his family treating you this way.  Sending you a big cyberhug!

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Francine   
On 9/12/2017 at 7:01 PM, KayC said:

but regardless, it must really hurt to have his family treating you this way.

I bet it really does; the bad news is that we can't make people (family or not) like, love, understand, validate, accept, or be nice to us and we can't control them.   The good news is, - "It really doesn't matter".   My philosophy is never try to change yourself to make people accept and like you; be who you are and the right people will love you!

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KMB   
4 hours ago, Francine said:

be who you are and the right people will love you!

Spot on, Francine. People who don't like or love you, for you, are missing out. If they cannot value us for who we are, they are not worthy of our energy and time.

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KayC   
14 hours ago, Francine said:

never try to change yourself to make people accept and like you; be who you are and the right people will love you!

I like this.  It's true that we can't make people anything, but still it has to hurt that his family is like this to her.  I guess all you can do is give less power to them and find people who are supportive to spend time with.

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Eagle-96   

As we grow older we start to realize that it's quality and not quantity that matters with friendship. I'll take one true friend that I know will always have my back over one hundred friends that are questionable. I used to really really care about what people thought about me but I have learned that you can't please everyone. It's like the hundred dollar bill theory. You can stand on a street corner handing out $100 bills. Inevitably some people will complain that theirs is wrinkled. So you can like me or not, that's not going to change who I am or what I stand for.

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KMB   
4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

As we grow older we start to realize that it's quality and not quantity that matters with friendship.

So true. As we get older, and experience life, we learn and realize what is really important.

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Francine   
1 minute ago, KMB said:

So true. As we get older, and experience life, we learn and realize what is really important.

KMB

My sentiments exactly; you couldn't have said it any better.

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KayC   
On 9/15/2017 at 8:09 AM, Eagle-96 said:

You can stand on a street corner handing out $100 bills. Inevitably some people will complain that theirs is wrinkled. 

:D I have a friend that always says some people would cry if you hung them with a new rope!  Haha!  We can't control other people's reactions or thinking, but God bless the one who is a true friend!

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