Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Recommended Posts

Missy27   

I recently lost my fiancée in a car accident. He drove a tracker trailer and during hurricane Imra evacuation a car who was pulled off of the interstate pulled back on in front of him...he tried to swerve to avoid hitting the other people his truck flipped and caught on fire it was  so sudden and unexpected. I just feel so lost without him even though we werent together for a very long time I knew I was going to be with him forever.  I know everyone says the person they lost was the best....but he really was. His personality was contagious even strangers would strike up a conversation with them and it felt like they had been friends for years.....  he just has this light about him our very first date I remeber looking up at him from across the table he was looking so deep into my eyes.... his bright blue eyes were almost glowing beautiful smile and in remeber this warm feeling coming over me and I just knew from then on I didn't want to be without him. We would stay out so late just talking for hours in a waffle house drinking coffee to try to stay awake so we didn't have to say goodbye. He loved my two kids just like they were his he always bragged on them to everyone he couldn't wait to start cub scouts he said he always wanted a son to do that with he passed on Thursday two days before the first event. My son's biological dad didn't treat me well he used me and didn't like to spend time with his kids i was so greatful that he was willing to love them as much as he loved me....he would buy me flowers for no reason. If he beat me home from work he would have dinner cooked for us.  He would have a towel and my clothes ready for me to take a shower...in the mornings he wouldn't wake me up he let me sleep and got the boys ready for school and when I got up he would have a cup of coffee for me and we would sit on the porch talking everyday before we had to leave. I would receive little packages in the mail from him and when I asked whats this for he would say cause I thought you would like it....and you know cause I'm the best boyfriend ever lol.....even though  I know he was there in spirit and I talk to him constantly I would give anything to feel him hug me again he would squeeze so tight I couldn't breath. I want to see signs from him so bad letting me know he didn't feel pain that he's happy where ever he is. I still haven't seen any and I would do anything to talk to him again so I set up an appointment with a meduim....I told my mother after she heard me one the phone scheduling the  spirit reading and she said it's not going to help or do anything....I don't even know if someone is going to read this but I just need someone to talk to who understands the pain I feel right now nothing in my life has ever ever compared to this pain also just wondering if anyone has had any experience with spirt guides 

Screenshot_20170908-112906.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

It's only been an hour and already eight people have read this, there will be others that will come on and post shortly.

I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you had someone very special like I did.  I can see his kindness showing in his face and the two of you look very happy.  I am so sorry it ended too soon.  From everything I know about afterlife, he is in peace and happy, no worries there, it is you going through the hard part.  I look forward to being with my husband again, we found each other once, we will again.  They say energy doesn't die, it just changes form, so that is our answer.  I've had two NDEs and it helps me know what it'll be like when my life is over.  So many have had them and their recollections very consistent.

This just happened, you must still be reeling, as if it's all surreal, in shock.  It takes a while for it to sink in, let alone process our grief.  I hope you find hope and comfort here, I know when it happened to me 12 years ago, finding my forum was a godsend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Judy S.   

As Kay said about the photo you posted  your fiancee looks wonderful and kind. And,  what a lovely couple you were, and yes, still are. I can only say how terribly sorry I am. It's so soon for you and I really don't have any wise words except that once again, as Kay mentioned, coming here can be a great source of comfort. Even when you are still in shock. I know I came here right after my husband died  and just read, it helped. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   

Missy,

 

It's so hard when we lose our soulmate to sudden death. My wife Lori died of a heart attack at the age of 46. The suddenness of their passing is a shock to the system. NO time to adjust. You are just thrust into the grief without a chance to catch your breath. You are likely still in the fog of grief. The numbness and confusion that comes in the early days. This is the time to lean on those closest to you. Even the day to day decisions that seem so trivial can seem like a Herculean task at this time. I had to be reminded to pay bills and even to eat. If you have close friends and family, let them help if they can. You may also find that your emotions are all over the place(sadness, anger, regret, confusion, loneliness, 2nd guessing, despair). There is no rhyme or reason as to when the emotions may hit you, for how long, and even how many at one time. I try to not avoid them when I can as they will tend to find me eventually. ALL of these emotions are normal and to be expected. I just try ride them like the waves they are. Please come here to read, post, reflect. We will be here for you to help you in any way we can.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   

I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing.  He sounds like the perfect man and from your post, alone with the beautiful picture, it is evident the love you shared together and the love he had for your children.  Men like yours are truly a God-send that don't come around too often; as much as it hurts, and I know it does, I hope you realized you were truly blessed to have had him in your life if only for a short time.  

I get it; it's hard as hell and will undoubtedly get harder before it gets better.  And when you feel like you can't go on (and you will), just know that the strength which is carrying you thus far will take you the rest of the way.  Sometimes we have to lose ourselves to discover who we might yet be.  Often times what feels like breaking down is really breaking free; free from the pain, the hurt, the agony, the loneliness, the misery.  Until we are broken, we don't know what we're made of.   Always remember you are braver than you know; stronger than you seem and loved more than you know. 

I'm praying for God to give you HIS peace, love, joy,  hope, strength.  Peace so that your soul is well; Love when you are lonely;  Joy to come after your pain;  Hope that it will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.  I don't believe in mediums or fortune-tellers. There is scripture that talks against it. I think a lot of people want some validation that their loved ones are safe and OK; I certainly did when my Charles left this earth.  I needed to know that he was OK, then I'd be OK.  After much prayer, I was given that validation - a peace that was so surreal, I knew my Charles was OK. And while I still mourn him; yearn for him; love him, my soul knows he's OK, and that makes me OK.  Whatever you decide to do, you are in my prayers that you too find the peace you are looking for. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Missy27   
12 hours ago, KayC said:

It's only been an hour and already eight people have read this, there will be others that will come on and post shortly.

I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you had someone very special like I did.  I can see his kindness showing in his face and the two of you look very happy.  I am so sorry it ended too soon.  From everything I know about afterlife, he is in peace and happy, no worries there, it is you going through the hard part.  I look forward to being with my husband again, we found each other once, we will again.  They say energy doesn't die, it just changes form, so that is our answer.  I've had two NDEs and it helps me know what it'll be like when my life is over.  So many have had them and their recollections very consistent.

This just happened, you must still be reeling, as if it's all surreal, in shock.  It takes a while for it to sink in, let alone process our grief.  I hope you find hope and comfort here, I know when it happened to me 12 years ago, finding my forum was a godsend.

 

11 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Missy,

 

It's so hard when we lose our soulmate to sudden death. My wife Lori died of a heart attack at the age of 46. The suddenness of their passing is a shock to the system. NO time to adjust. You are just thrust into the grief without a chance to catch your breath. You are likely still in the fog of grief. The numbness and confusion that comes in the early days. This is the time to lean on those closest to you. Even the day to day decisions that seem so trivial can seem like a Herculean task at this time. I had to be reminded to pay bills and even to eat. If you have close friends and family, let them help if they can. You may also find that your emotions are all over the place(sadness, anger, regret, confusion, loneliness, 2nd guessing, despair). There is no rhyme or reason as to when the emotions may hit you, for how long, and even how many at one time. I try to not avoid them when I can as they will tend to find me eventually. ALL of these emotions are normal and to be expected. I just try ride them like the waves they are. Please come here to read, post, reflect. We will be here for you to help you in any way we can.

I feel all of those emotions all at the same time. Usually when I walk into our bedroom or when the kids ask me to read them a story....cause we did it together every night. we only had a few things when we moved in together so now just looking at the coffee table we painted is extremely hard A PIECE OF FURNITURE! how silly..... I don't understand why he was taken so soon after he was sent to me because I really feel like we were supposed to be together foreve. all of our dreams are lost now

Screenshot_20170908-112923.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Missy27   
12 hours ago, KayC said:

It's only been an hour and already eight people have read this, there will be others that will come on and post shortly.

I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you had someone very special like I did.  I can see his kindness showing in his face and the two of you look very happy.  I am so sorry it ended too soon.  From everything I know about afterlife, he is in peace and happy, no worries there, it is you going through the hard part.  I look forward to being with my husband again, we found each other once, we will again.  They say energy doesn't die, it just changes form, so that is our answer.  I've had two NDEs and it helps me know what it'll be like when my life is over.  So many have had them and their recollections very consistent.

This just happened, you must still be reeling, as if it's all surreal, in shock.  It takes a while for it to sink in, let alone process our grief.  I hope you find hope and comfort here, I know when it happened to me 12 years ago, finding my forum was a godsend.

If you don't mind can I ask what were your experiences? I just want a sign from him so desperately. Everyone i have talked to said they have gotten clear signs. When corey was living he told me about his step father seeing light around people i kind of doubted it at first but the day after corey died he said he came to him in a dream and told him that he was ok and to take care of his mom and me. I didn't feel at peace though I felt more anger because I prayed all night for him to send me a sign and he didn't ...the meduim said the same thing about energy and that we never really die. I'm paying $180 for an hour with her so i hope corey comes through. I am in shock its a weird numb (physical and mentally) feeling I've never experienced.....on top of the waves of different emotions all at once I also feel like I'm not scared of death anymore I almost welcome it because the thought of just seeing him again makes me so happy. I have no other choice but to pick myself up and move on and I realised it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Screenshot_20170908-112923.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Cela   

I'm so very sorry for your loss, there are no words really. I lost my husband of only 2.5 weeks on June 22nd suddenly and it still doesn't feel real some days. This is definitely and long and painful journey, but we "get it" here.  Continue to post and share whatever you'd like. The photos you've shared are beautiful. Your fiancé looks very kind and I can see you had a beautiful love. I'm sorry to meet you here. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

I'm not sure what you're wondering about when you inquire to my experiences...it's been a very long journey that I'm still on.  In the beginning I remember being in shock, working feverishly on a collage for his funeral, 17 hours straight...people calling continually, my sister and daughter made most of the phone calls and manned the phone.  My daughter following me around with food and water.  I got edema from the stress, had to see the doctor, my daughter broke out in cysts, had to see the doctor.  Physical manifestations in grief are common.  Tending to details, appointment over an hour away with Social Security office, the lady their pronouncing our marriage "ended in death", I cried so hard I couldn't see to drive, went to a friend's house to get it together.  So many things to tend to, people to notify, insurance, bank, etc.  Picking up the ashes, had my sister drive me, I knew better than to try.  Amazed he fit in that Kleenex sized box.  They said he was very lean, I knew that.  Not an ounce of fat on him, so why did he die of a heart attack?!  My two best friends didn't bother attending his funeral.  That was a rude awakening of what was to come...all our friends disappeared.  I was no longer part of a "couple".  Our best friends never invited me over again.  I couldn't understand that but found this is common in grief.  They avoid death like the plague, it makes them uncomfortable, reminds them of the mortality...they're afraid it's contagious???  Going forward in this new alien life without friends was very hard.  Coming home from work to an empty house.  No more phone calls on his breaks at work.  Weekends and nights were the worst.  It was hard to function at work, breaking into tears at any moment, hard to focus, brain not working right.  I asked my boss to check my work, I no longer trusted my brain to work right.  My job was gone, the company went under, it was the beginning of the recession and President Bush suddenly decided to use the ten year stock of military airplane parts they had on hand and no longer ordered any more, no notice, that was our line of work.  I found out I, who had always been a hot commodity, was apparently unhireable...when had I gotten so old?  I was in my 50s, no one wanted to hire me.  They wanted young people with a piece of paper that I could TEACH!  I felt so alone, no George to catch me.  No one to fall back on but myself. I was afraid of losing my home, I'd had to remortgage it to pay off the hospital, doctor, ambulance bills.  I got a job in the nick of time, they give you six months unemployment, I was two weeks shy of it running out.  Life became hard.  I now had to commute 100 miles/day to work.  I went to work in the dark, got home in the dark.  My dog was acting out, my daughter pointed out she was grieving.  Was I so out of touch I hadn't realized it?  I started paying her more attention.  Year turned into year.  Lonely.  Frantic.  Scared.  You don't want to know the rest.

BUT, I got by.  I lost my job.  I broke my right elbow.  No one to help me.  But I got through it, where there's a will there's a way.  Put back to work part time, they were behind paying me though.  Finally, got my pink slip.  Decided to retire, it was now my 61st birthday.  Found out same week I needed a new roof.  Boss had said he'd pay my medical insurance through the end of the year...he didn't.  Took me 13 1/2 months to get paid from him.  All kinds of medical issues, waiting for insurance.  Had surgery.  Came home, no one to take care of me.  Scared.  Didn't even know if I could get up from couch by myself.  Again, where there's a will, there's a way.  I made it through it.

I don't say these things to scare you.  This has been my journey, all our journeys are different.  I have LEARNED so much on this journey.  It has been rich in what I've learned.  I am grateful for all of the lessons, even though they've been hard.  Not so grateful that I wouldn't welcome George back in a heartbeat if only I could!  It's like he's on a journey with no cellphone, no ability to write and I am waiting for the day we'll be together again.

One of the biggest things I've learned on this journey began on day 11.  I came out of the eyedoctor, my last day to have George's insurance, and I saw a store's stuff for sale out on the sidewalk...there was a dragonfly I think God used to get my attention, on a refrigerator magnet.  It said, "Find Joy in Every Day".  I bought it and have it up still.  I begin LOOKING for joy every day.  The big joy in my life, George, was gone, so I looked for the smaller joys that are still...a stranger letting me merge in traffic, a rainbow (my George left this world in a huge thunder and lightening storm with a triple rainbow), a deer in my yard, a call from one of my sisters, a dog's kiss, these are the little joys I've come to appreciate and acknowledge.  I found it's called practicing living in the present...focusing on what IS rather than merely what ISN'T.  And it's been life-altering.  It's taught me the value of gratitude.  It's given me the practice of LIVING rather than merely existing in this waiting pattern.  I look forward to being with George again, I proceed on faith, hope, but I also embrace what IS in my life.  Nowadays I have two grandbabies I enjoy...I don't get to see them enough, about once a month, but I enjoy seeing pictures and videos on FB of them.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
8 hours ago, Missy27 said:

I just want a sign from him so desperately

It took me a year or two to even get him in a dream, I rarely dream about him and I don't know why.  I don't proceed in signs, but on faith...that's how our relationship was built.  Nothing wrong with looking for them, but don't put all your hopes in signs we may or may not get, don't feel defeated if they don't come, but be open to them should they present.  I hope that makes sense.  

Pansies were special to us, George called them "the happy flower".  We had a hanging planter full of them when he died, it was up on our patio.  Our patio being on a hill, it's on stilts, high up.  The flowers always die out in the winter, covered with snow.  The anniversary of his death, I found a pansy emerging in the ground below.  That's never happened before or since.  How did it survive the harsh winter, buried in snow?  I'll never know the answers to that, but I like to think he made it happen, he let me know he was still here, looking after me.  Some would say it's coincidence.  I don't believe in that far-fetched coincidence.  This was something very out of the ordinary, something you can't explain away.

Many years later, I was on the phone with the social security office, just before they close and she told me I'd only get $250/month.  WHAT?!  My anxiety kicked in full bore!  She said I could call my local office to verify.  I tried, they were already closed.  It was a three day weekend I had to wait through before talking to them again.  I was frantic, I couldn't live on $250/month!  What about all those statements they sent?  How could this be!  I knew I retired early but still, the penalty couldn't be THAT high!  My anxiety medicine did nothing to help me.  I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder area.  It felt physical, like it had when he was alive and here.  It immediately calmed me.  I knew he was telling me it'd be okay, I would be okay.  It calmed me so I could wait until Tuesday until the Social Security office would open.  Tuesday came and I found out the first lady was full of it.  

These "signs" if you will were few but there when I needed them.  We have to be open to them, not dismiss them.  We can't control when they come, what they are, but they will be just what we need when we need it.

Most of these years have been lived without signs.  That is okay too, I know I'll be with him when my time comes.  And we'll never part again.  He will hold me again.  All this time I've waited will drop away.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

Missy, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your soulmate. Your pics show a loving, kind man. His happiness with you and your children is very evident. I lost my husband to sudden cardiac arrest. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around how a person can be here one minute, and gone the next. But, at the same time, I am grateful that he did not suffer. The coroner assured me it was instantaneous. Like flipping a light switch.

Your loss is so fresh. I can imagine that you feel like you are going insane with all the emotions and gut wrenching, heart stabbing pain. The intensity of our grieving is equal to the intensity of which we love. I hope you have a great support system with family and friends. You will need that support for a long time. Take care of yourself. You will need your strength in taking care of your children. They still need their mom.

Do not overly worry about visitation dreams, signs or feeling spirit's presence. That will come in all its good timing. When we are in the early, most painful grieving, it isn't easy for spirit energy to break through the negative energy of grief. Visitation dreams are the most common because when we sleep, our physical body is at rest and our minds are open. It is easier for spirit to use their energy for coming through.

Sending prayers for comfort, strength and eventual peace.  (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   
On 9/12/2017 at 1:07 AM, Missy27 said:

on top of the waves of different emotions all at once I also feel like I'm not scared of death anymore I almost welcome it because the thought of just seeing him again makes me so happy. I have no other choice but to pick myself up and move on and I realised it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

I always feared a new pain or something that ailed me in the past. I feared it because I wanted to be in good health so that I would be here for Lori. I always told her that we needed to be healthy so we could sit in our rocking chairs on the porch when we got old. That goal drove me to try to be better and to take care of myself. Now, I don't fear death either. If the doctor gave me a terminal diagnosis I'm not sure I would fight it. I don't mean to diminish what anyone has been through on this forum with the terminal diagnosis and death of their soulmate. I'm just not sure if I would be too upset if my time was up. Not sure I would have the fight in me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dian   

I

10 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I always feared a new pain or something that ailed me in the past. I feared it because I wanted to be in good health so that I would be here for Lori. I always told her that we needed to be healthy so we could sit in our rocking chairs on the porch when we got old. That goal drove me to try to be better and to take care of myself. Now, I don't fear death either. If the doctor gave me a terminal diagnosis I'm not sure I would fight it. I don't mean to diminish what anyone has been through on this forum with the terminal diagnosis and death of their soulmate. I'm just not sure if I would be too upset if my time was up. Not sure I would have the fight in me. 

I used to want to take care of myself and actually said to my husband a few weeks before he passed that we need to be healthier so we can be around for our  grandchildren some day. Now when i feel any pain I'm like bring it on I'm ready to go. I don't have the fight in me either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dian   

Missy,

I am so sorry for your loss. In the first few weeks after my husband passed I was so consumed with grief I felt like i was losing my mind. I couldn't function. It has been three months and I still cry everyday but my head has cleared a little . My husband passed suddenly of a heart attack , it was so hard to believe he was gone. Some days it is still hard to believe. Keep posting here, the people here truly care and totally get get how you are feeling. My heart goes out to you and your children. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dian   
On 9/12/2017 at 10:25 AM, KayC said:

I'm not sure what you're wondering about when you inquire to my experiences...it's been a very long journey that I'm still on.  In the beginning I remember being in shock, working feverishly on a collage for his funeral, 17 hours straight...people calling continually, my sister and daughter made most of the phone calls and manned the phone.  My daughter following me around with food and water.  I got edema from the stress, had to see the doctor, my daughter broke out in cysts, had to see the doctor.  Physical manifestations in grief are common.  Tending to details, appointment over an hour away with Social Security office, the lady their pronouncing our marriage "ended in death", I cried so hard I couldn't see to drive, went to a friend's house to get it together.  So many things to tend to, people to notify, insurance, bank, etc.  Picking up the ashes, had my sister drive me, I knew better than to try.  Amazed he fit in that Kleenex sized box.  They said he was very lean, I knew that.  Not an ounce of fat on him, so why did he die of a heart attack?!  My two best friends didn't bother attending his funeral.  That was a rude awakening of what was to come...all our friends disappeared.  I was no longer part of a "couple".  Our best friends never invited me over again.  I couldn't understand that but found this is common in grief.  They avoid death like the plague, it makes them uncomfortable, reminds them of the mortality...they're afraid it's contagious???  Going forward in this new alien life without friends was very hard.  Coming home from work to an empty house.  No more phone calls on his breaks at work.  Weekends and nights were the worst.  It was hard to function at work, breaking into tears at any moment, hard to focus, brain not working right.  I asked my boss to check my work, I no longer trusted my brain to work right.  My job was gone, the company went under, it was the beginning of the recession and President Bush suddenly decided to use the ten year stock of military airplane parts they had on hand and no longer ordered any more, no notice, that was our line of work.  I found out I, who had always been a hot commodity, was apparently unhireable...when had I gotten so old?  I was in my 50s, no one wanted to hire me.  They wanted young people with a piece of paper that I could TEACH!  I felt so alone, no George to catch me.  No one to fall back on but myself. I was afraid of losing my home, I'd had to remortgage it to pay off the hospital, doctor, ambulance bills.  I got a job in the nick of time, they give you six months unemployment, I was two weeks shy of it running out.  Life became hard.  I now had to commute 100 miles/day to work.  I went to work in the dark, got home in the dark.  My dog was acting out, my daughter pointed out she was grieving.  Was I so out of touch I hadn't realized it?  I started paying her more attention.  Year turned into year.  Lonely.  Frantic.  Scared.  You don't want to know the rest.

BUT, I got by.  I lost my job.  I broke my right elbow.  No one to help me.  But I got through it, where there's a will there's a way.  Put back to work part time, they were behind paying me though.  Finally, got my pink slip.  Decided to retire, it was now my 61st birthday.  Found out same week I needed a new roof.  Boss had said he'd pay my medical insurance through the end of the year...he didn't.  Took me 13 1/2 months to get paid from him.  All kinds of medical issues, waiting for insurance.  Had surgery.  Came home, no one to take care of me.  Scared.  Didn't even know if I could get up from couch by myself.  Again, where there's a will, there's a way.  I made it through it.

I don't say these things to scare you.  This has been my journey, all our journeys are different.  I have LEARNED so much on this journey.  It has been rich in what I've learned.  I am grateful for all of the lessons, even though they've been hard.  Not so grateful that I wouldn't welcome George back in a heartbeat if only I could!  It's like he's on a journey with no cellphone, no ability to write and I am waiting for the day we'll be together again.

One of the biggest things I've learned on this journey began on day 11.  I came out of the eyedoctor, my last day to have George's insurance, and I saw a store's stuff for sale out on the sidewalk...there was a dragonfly I think God used to get my attention, on a refrigerator magnet.  It said, "Find Joy in Every Day".  I bought it and have it up still.  I begin LOOKING for joy every day.  The big joy in my life, George, was gone, so I looked for the smaller joys that are still...a stranger letting me merge in traffic, a rainbow (my George left this world in a huge thunder and lightening storm with a triple rainbow), a deer in my yard, a call from one of my sisters, a dog's kiss, these are the little joys I've come to appreciate and acknowledge.  I found it's called practicing living in the present...focusing on what IS rather than merely what ISN'T.  And it's been life-altering.  It's taught me the value of gratitude.  It's given me the practice of LIVING rather than merely existing in this waiting pattern.  I look forward to being with George again, I proceed on faith, hope, but I also embrace what IS in my life.  Nowadays I have two grandbabies I enjoy...I don't get to see them enough, about once a month, but I enjoy seeing pictures and videos on FB of them.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

KC,

You should write a book ! What a,strong woman you are to have survived all of that and still manage to have a positive attitude and help others! Maybe Francine could co-author it with you, you both have a way with words. I sure would read it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
22 hours ago, Dian said:

Maybe Francine could co-author it with you,

Thanks but KayC and KMB would be my suggestions for writing books; talk about strong and inspirational women.  When I joined this forum these ladies literally were a big reason for me to have gotten this far.    I'd be the first to ask them both for their endorsements.  :wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Azipod   

Missy, I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in the very early stages of this.  Take care of yourself and your children.   I know you must be in a fog, with a million thoughts, all while suffering in this new type of intense grief.    When I was a few weeks in, there was a time and a part of me that wanted to know my wife was OK.  So I understand why you want to see signs, sit with a medium, so you can get some sort of assurance and peace.       Give it some time.  Take care of yourself first.   You will see signs when the time is right.   For some, it may be immediate.  For me, it took about a month and a bit more to start seeing things.   Took 6 weeks before the first visitation.      Everyone is different.  When the time is right, and things are align, you will get those signs.    Sometimes it will take longer.     Come back here often.   We are all in this together.  You are not alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

Francine, Thank you. I've never been one to take the limelight. I've always been a behind the scenes person. I think all of us here should write our own chapters and publish our collection together. Everyone here is an empathetic contributor in their own way. I wonder if any grief family has ever done this?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
9 hours ago, KMB said:

I think all of us here should write our own chapters and publish our collection together. Everyone here is an empathetic contributor in their own way. I wonder if any grief family has ever done this?

:wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
On 9/14/2017 at 9:32 PM, KMB said:

I've never been one to take the limelight. I've always been a behind the scenes person.

Take your bow; you deserve it.  I get it though; people (like you) who shine from within, don't need the spotlight!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
18 hours ago, Francine said:
On 9/14/2017 at 7:32 PM, KMB said:

I've never been one to take the limelight. I've always been a behind the scenes person.

Take your bow; you deserve it.  I get it though; people (like you) who shine from within, don't need the spotlight!

Yep!  That's how my son is too, more comfortable behind the scenes, but always helping people, that's how I see you too!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×