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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Cutie Pie

Anywhere you go let me go too, that's all I ask of you!

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My Panda baby died on 27th Aug, 2017. Two weeks ago. I don't think I will ever believe that's really true that he is gone.

We've together for 6 years this coming 11th Nov. Met at work, I found him shining in the crowd so handsome. I was just an intern in the company and he was already the director of a department. Whenever he travels to my city (subsidiary company based in Changchun, China), I would be the first one to notice him and obverse him from afar. I didn't think he would ever like me or even look at me.

It took my by surprise when he asked me for dinner after our first conversation. I was over the moon. I remember how nervous I was at dinner that day, after all English is my second language. But it didn't matter really, because we clicked instantly and understood each other perfectly. Things were so great and magical. I moved to Shanghai after I graduated from Uni and found a nice job, and most importantly I moved in with him.

Life then was like a dream. We did everything together. We could walk to the metro holding hands, have lunch together and go back home together when we finish. We would do all the things that married couples do and I was even his "hairdresser" because hairdressers in Shanghai rarely know how to cut Afro hair. I was not very good at the beginning, but during the years I have mastered it. Yes, I am Chinese and he is British African. Living in a city like Shanghai, where some people still find people from other race strange or interesting, we did experience lots of stares and pointed fingers. But we never cared. Every time when people look at us with curiosity, I would hold my Panda even tighter. I love him. He is the best person in the world. I never loved anybody like I loved him and I think I have used all my credit and now I have left with nothing. It's so painful to look at all the pictures we took over the years when we travel. He took me everywhere, Thailand, Indonesia, Singapre, Spain, France, Italy, UK. We've been to all those places together. He even supported me to get my MSc in England in 2015. I recently received my graduation photos from the graduation ceremony in July this year. He was in the family photo along with my mom and I. He looked so proud and happy. He was there for me. As a matter of fact, that was the last time we traveled together. I can't possibility imagine that he would not return to England alive anymore.

I was stupid and careless to miss his symptoms, because he has been feeling not 100% himself for quite some time. Low appetite,  short of strength, running stomach and coughs. Every time when I say that you need to see the doctors, he would say that he is ok as long as he has some tablets. He wasn't feeling good even when we were in UK and Italy this July, but I didn't even tell him that he needs to get checked. I was so into my graduation and holiday that I didn't force him to get help. I didn't know really. I had no idea. I was too happy in life to believe that he would die one day. That never occur to me. I thought we have many year ahead of us. But he did die.

When I called him on 15th Aug, 2017, I just finished work. It was already 20:30 in the evening and I didn't reply to his message (regular message to remind me to have lunch on time). I called him and he picked up. I kept on telling him about how busy I was in the afternoon having client meetings blah blah blah. But he was awfully quite. How can he be so quite? He usually talks a lot. I stopped to ask him how was his day. Then I heard him breathing really heavily and rapidly.  What's going on with my baby? He was in a different City on biz trip and 5hrs away from me by train. I got really mad and told him that he has to go for hospital now!. He said that he can't because he doesn't speak Chinese and how can he get to the hospital? I told him that he needs to go to the hotel reception and get someone to go with me. He finally said yes. He said he will pack a few things and go immediately.

We called him later to check if he's at the hospital and what's going on. he was so weak and only told me that he was waiting to get X-ray and some other tests. I tested him and tried to cheer him up. He then told me that the doctor said he has pneumonia. And he has to go into ICU now. What? ICU? How can it be? I booked the first flight out the next morning to that City and texted him telling him that I love him and I am coming to take care of him. He then texted me back "I love you even more". That was the last word he said to me. He told me that he loved me even more.

When I finally saw him the next morning, he was already on ventilation machine, barely conscious. I woke him up by raising my voice and he finally opened his eye. But he was a bit disoriented and in shock, perhaps because I had to dress up in gowns and face masks. I must looked like a stranger to him. I told him: Baby boy, my Panda baby. I'm here. your cutie pie is here. Don't worry baby I will take care of you. We are trying everything to make you feel better. Don't be scared. you need to be strong and recover soon. I love you panda. He soon went back to unconsciousness, but he was calm and relaxed by hearing my voice. My tears burst out and I don't know how to stop. My heart was too painful that I couldn't do anything other than crying and begging the doctors to save him. He was my everything and I can't and won't lose him. NO! Never.

How can his condition get worsen so quickly? I failed to comprehend. I just don't know.

All I wanted was to save him, so no matter what the doctors propose in terms of drugs and treatment I said yes to regardless of the cost. He didn't have medical insurance in China so everything would have to be paid by us. It was not cheap. it was 30,000 RMB (4500USD) per day because he needed top antibiotics and dialysis. The doctors told me he has multi-organ failure in his Lungs, kidneys and heart. He was in a critical situation and could die any minute. I was devastated and heart broken. I even told the doctors that I can give him one of my lungs and kidneys if he needed it and I will do everything that saves his life. Literally anything and everything.  But the doctor said he was too weak to survive that kind of surgery. My poor Panda. How could i save him, I couldn't stop asking myself.

He had only me and his half brother in China. His half brother works in Beijing as a English teacher. But he was of no help as he said he has no money and he left me and by baby after staying with me outside of my panda's ICU room for 2 nights. Yes. I slept outside the ICU room for 12 nights and 5 nights among those I slept on a metal bench. But he died anyway, regardless of all the efforts and hope. he died. But I wasn't there when that happened. I had to travel back to Shanghai on that Sunday - 27th Aug, 2017 to sort out my work arrangement. I saw him in that morning and I already knew that he was not coming back. He had nose, air pipe bleed that day when I saw him and the nurses said I should prepare myself. That day, I told him that I am sorry that I can't save him. And I love him with all my heart. I will come back for you, please wait for me. please hold on and don't give up.'" But as soon as my train arrived at Shanghai, I received a call from his nurse saying that his heart is failing. I got off the train with a empty head. I lost the ability to think. I was like a mad person shutting, crying on the train platform having no directions, don't know what to do. Before long, the doctor called me and said that they have announced him dead. He was gone. He died alone. He didn't have anybody with him when he passed. I blame myself for going back to Shanghai. Why do I have to go that day? Why can't I stay for him? I've been there all along but Why on earth do I have to go that day? Why? I hate myself for making that decision to leave. I should have been there holding him when he died. I would have talked to him and sang to him as I did for the past 12 days even tho I can't see him every day but I always record audios and send my phone in to play the recordings. My panda baby heard me. He must have heard me when I said that I am sorry that I can't save you. So he gave up. He must have known that I was leaving so he had no will to fight anymore. My baby wasn't conscious but I knew that he heard me every time. He knew. He just knew.

I didn't go back after hearing his death till a week later. I didn't have the courage to go back I guess, I dont know for sure. Before traveling back to the city where the hospital was, I had to travel to a small town near Beijing to pack his belongings with his half brother. ( He moved to that small town 3 years ago for salary increase, so we've been traveling back and forth in turns). But his half brother didn't even have the decency of waiting for me before he pack. For god sake I begged him even to wait for me because I can not get a earlier train and i have to arrive 30mins later than him. But when I got to his apartment which is also my home, that place was a mess. I just wanted to see how my baby left it. and sleep in his bed and smell his pillow once again, but his half brother told me that I was not a direct relative, so I couldn't touch his things. I wasn't family. The woman who spent 6 year with him and waited outside his ICU room the whole time turns out to be a total stranger. I lived there as well, but now it's suddenly a place that I didnt belong. I cried. I can't find another word to describe how I cried, but I was too sad to even catch my breath. I held his favorite suit and I tried to feel his presence again. I hated his half brother. I really did and still do. He lied to me about the whole thing. he only said that to me because he didn't want me to go through my panda's file and find anything that might indicate a will or savings. He thought too little of me. He treated me like nobody. How do I tell someone failed to see that I love my baby and I did everything to save his life? I was there to sign off on his medication and treatment when his half brother wasn't there and after he left, even tho the doctor told me that I can't make those decision on behalf of him because we weren't married. I paid for his treatment with my own money and I was the one person that knew my baby's pin code to his bank cards so that his salary can be used for the treatment. I was the only one that knew the password to his phone and laptop so that we can call everybody in his family and ask for help. But what did his half brother and the rest of his family do? They didn't send any money. His half brother told me he will give his salary but he never did. his sisters didn't contribute a dime. even tho my baby helped them in their lives and even some of them to move to England. They did nothing for him, but kept on questioning me about what happened to my baby's money in China. How would I know. all the bank accounts he had have little balance in them, except after receiving his Aug salary. I had to give his phone, his key, his passport and all his bank cards to his half brother and show him what my baby's financial status was. I even told him that if he wants to check the bank statement, he can go to the back and do that. If anything indicates that I took his money, feel free to call the police and there will be evidence from the ATM CCTVs and all.

I am heart broken. My baby protected me from his family because he realized that his family didn't appreciate what he did for them before he met me. They kept on asking him for money and he didn't have a life of his own. They broke his heart so he stopped providing for them after all of his siblings comes out of age. He did great I'd have to say. He helped everybody but those people were really not worth helping. During the whole event, only me, his first wife and his second wife contributed. His first wife was really kind to send money and she was genuinely concerned with his health. His second wife - mother of his children helped a little as well. And she sold my car in England for 500 Pounds and sent back to me to help with the bills.

The pass month has been a real nightmare. I woke up every morning trying to understand what really happened. I can't explain that the man that I love and the man who was so alive can just died like that. He said he loved me more and would never leave me. But he did. I am left with nothing now. I have lost the love of my life. I can never hold him again nor kiss him. I am dead as well.

I saw his body at the mortuary on 3th Sept, 2017. It wasn't him. I can't be him. It doesn't look like him. I touched his face and he was cold. I was really scared and it took me some time to be able to look at him. I laid my eyes on him and I don't see him anymore. That wasn't my panda baby. His soul has gone. He was cold.  I couldn't stop crying and they won't let me be with him there for too long. So I had to dry my tears and started to recite him some versus. I never was a religious person, but he was. We visited the Vatican city barely a month ago and I thought we were blessed. When he got sick, I started praying. I offered a deal to God that I will quit eating meat and trade half of my left time and I can share his disease, so that he can live. But he died. God didn't take my offer. But I recited the versus anyway, because I want to believe that his spirit is still with me and I will see him once again when my time comes. As stupid as it is, that keeps me going.

I then sang him a song, it's from the Phantom of the Opera (my favorite opera that we watched together this July in London).

Say you share with me one love, one life time

Lead me, Save me from my solitude

Say you want me with you, here beside you

Anywhere you go let me go too

Baby, that's all I ask of you

 I know that I am young only 27 years old. But I just don't know how to face life without him anymore. He was my everything. He was the one that made life full of possibilities, but now everything is just dull and empty. All I can think of now is to honor his wishes but transferring his body home, but due to lack of money, that is still pending. His half brother is trying to gather some money, but I know the only reason he is doing that is because he is eye-balling his life insurance payout. I can't believe that someone can be so stupid to think he as half brother would get anything out of the life insurance while my panda has children in England who will be entitled to inherit all. I have given up reasoning with his half brother about anything and just want to help to get my baby a proper burial. 

I believe that my baby is watching over me. And I will do everything in my power to let him rest in peace. I love you my panda baby. I love you with all my heart.

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M88   

I am so sorry for your terrible loss, Cutie Pie.   You have such a beautiful love story.  As all of us here on the forum have learnt that life can be very cruel.  Know that we understand the pain you are feeling.  I hope you will find comfort and compassion here as I have.  I too have been subjected to family who very quickly starting claiming my darling man's possessions, so I also understand that hurt. 

I'm not quite sure if you are wanting to have your partner taken back to England from China or to your city but whichever it is, as he is British I suggest you contact the British Embassy - I'm sure they will help you.  Here is the link to their webpage.  You will see a contact ph number on this page.   

I won't write too much now as I'd like you to see the link asap.  Know that my thoughts are with you and I send you strength, love and hugs Xx

https://www.gov.uk/world/organisations/british-embassy-beijing

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18 minutes ago, M88 said:

I am so sorry for your terrible loss, Cutie Pie.   You have such a beautiful love story.  As all of us here on the forum have learnt that life can be very cruel.  Know that we understand the pain you are feeling.  I hope you will find comfort and compassion here as I have.  I too have been subjected to family who very quickly starting claiming my darling man's possessions, so I also understand that hurt. 

I'm not quite sure if you are wanting to have your partner taken back to England from China or to your city but whichever it is, as he is British I suggest you contact the British Embassy - I'm sure they will help you.  Here is the link to their webpage.  You will see a contact ph number on this page.   

I won't write too much now as I'd like you to see the link asap.  Know that my thoughts are with you and I send you strength, love and hugs Xx

https://www.gov.uk/world/organisations/british-embassy-beijing

Hi M88,

Thank you for your comforting words. I am now facing the fact that his half brother is trying to travel to England with my panda's body and take his processions. He is on refugee visa in China at the moment and working without permit. (he holds Zimbabwean passport). What he really want is to go to England and stay there, as far as he's concerned, the transfer of my baby's body is just a mean to his end.

Thanks for the link. We've been in contact with the embassy. But to be honest, they are not very helpful. No financial support, no support for body transfer. they basically just give directions and that's all. I'm very disappointed at the embassy.

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M88   

Hi Cutie Pie, I really am sorry for all this added trauma your dear man's half brother is creating - he is a bully, his behaviour is appalling !!  My heart just aches for you.  I do hope you have supportive family and friends around you.

Are there any support agencies in China that could help you financially to get to England?   

I too am disappointed with the lack of support from the British Embassy!!  

Strength, love and hugs Xx

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KayC   

Cutie Pie,

I am so sorry for your loss, for all you have been through since the day you lost him.  I don't know how his family can live with themselves.  If you were here in the states you would have the right to stay in your place, they couldn't make you leave, it was your home too.  I am surprised for the British Embassy's lack of help.

It's hard to comprehend that is family is not helping to get his body transported and buried.  I guess I can say I've seen it all.  

One thing that hit me was your feeling like you let him down because you weren't there at his moment of death.  None of us know when they'll die and sometimes circumstances prevent us being there...I was at the hospital when my husband died but the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me so I couldn't be there next to him when he died.  I want you to understand that he knew you were there for him from the time you met, and he would have died with you there or not, he does not hold it against you, you were the one person there for him, the one fighting for him.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

I wish you peace, I know this journey is hard, but I hope you will continue to come here and read and post, we all go through this together.

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14 hours ago, M88 said:

Hi Cutie Pie, I really am sorry for all this added trauma your dear man's half brother is creating - he is a bully, his behaviour is appalling !!  My heart just aches for you.  I do hope you have supportive family and friends around you.

Are there any support agencies in China that could help you financially to get to England?   

I too am disappointed with the lack of support from the British Embassy!!  

Strength, love and hugs Xx

Hi M88. Thanks a lot for your reply. My heart hurts every second since he got sick and it seems like it will keep hurting forever. 

I have my mom with me. She is supportive, but sometimes she thinks that I should be up and running already as I still got her. I understand that she wants to feel better, but it doesnt really help. True that I still have her and she is my mom, but I also lost the man that I love the most. He was my best friend and my partner in crime. The things we've through and shared are incomparable with anything else. I have to pretend that I am ok around her. But I am exhausted.  

I live in a rented apartment in Shanghai and the rent is the same amount as my salary. I only had my life up to this standard because of my baby. He was the one that insisted that I have a two-bedroom apartment in Shanghai town center. He wanted the best for me and he was the one paying for the rent. Now I have to find another place to leave because I can no longer afford it. Most likely I will rent a room in a shared apartment and share the bed with mom. My mom doesn't work. I'm more like her mom to some degree, supporting the family, paying bills. I guess that's my destiny. I had my baby along my side, but he is gone. My love is gone, but I can't go with him because I have my mom to take care of. Life is just so hard.

I didn't realize how cruel the world is till I found that nobody would help with his medical bill or his transfer. there are agencies but they all charge a lot of money. The embassy also said many times that they don't provide any financial support. I can only expect his half brother to borrow some money to pay for the transfer. And I know that the only reason he is doing that is to get to England and get a big cut of my panda's life insurance. Yes. My silly panda didn't have any medical insurance in China, but he has a life insurance in England. What an irony. It's like he knew that he will died like that. 

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

Cutie Pie,

I am so sorry for your loss, for all you have been through since the day you lost him.  I don't know how his family can live with themselves.  If you were here in the states you would have the right to stay in your place, they couldn't make you leave, it was your home too.  I am surprised for the British Embassy's lack of help.

It's hard to comprehend that is family is not helping to get his body transported and buried.  I guess I can say I've seen it all.  

One thing that hit me was your feeling like you let him down because you weren't there at his moment of death.  None of us know when they'll die and sometimes circumstances prevent us being there...I was at the hospital when my husband died but the nurse threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me so I couldn't be there next to him when he died.  I want you to understand that he knew you were there for him from the time you met, and he would have died with you there or not, he does not hold it against you, you were the one person there for him, the one fighting for him.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

I wish you peace, I know this journey is hard, but I hope you will continue to come here and read and post, we all go through this together.

Hi KayC,

Thank you for your reply. It's nice to hear from you. I've seen your post in other threads and I know that you've been helping people like me who is grieving. I am sorry for your loss as well. Hope you are getting better, tho I don't know how myself.

I, too, can't possibly understand his family. They are so hard to communicate with. Never forthcoming. I was brought up to be always telling the truth and do the right thing. So it really hurt me to see them playing me like that. All they want now is to get me help to filling paperwork in Chinese and be there translator between hospital and Funeral home. I feel used. But I have to play along, because I want my baby to be properly buried. I guess that's why they know that no matter how badly they treat me, I will be helping them regardless. It's sad. But I keep on telling myself that I am helping my Panda. 

Thank you for your kind words. I do feel that I have failed him. I should have been by his side when he died. I remember seeing it on TV that when people die, their souls leave the body and they will be able to see who's been there with them. I am so sad that when my panda died, his soul couldn't find me near him. I say to him that I am sorry every day. I hope that he knows that I love him so much and he can take me with him anytime he wants. My panda's niece has been nice to me and she said something to help me after I informed his family about his death. She said that her uncle didn't want me to be there to see him die and that's why he die after I left for Shanghai that Sunday. He wouldn't want me to be there to witness his death. He knew that would have broken me. I know that She is trying to make me feel better and that's really nice of her. 

 

 

 

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M88   

Hello Cutie Pie - hugs for you first,  hon.  I'm so sorry you have so many issues to deal with.  Sadly, death sometimes brings out the worst in some people, especially sometimes when the family itself is not the typical nuclear family.  It stuns us when we have no idea it's coming.  Bad behaviour like this hurts us to the core.  Even though you feel used by Panda's brother (and justifiably so)  your love, your loyalty to get Panda back to his homeland, is giving you the strength to cope with this knowledge.  You will spend the rest of your days knowing you did the absolute very best you could for him.  

Death can also bring out the best in others and I hope some good people will come into your life soon.  As your Mum seems to be your main support, how about sitting down with your Mum and saying - Mum, this is how it really is for me - don't hold back, tell it like it really is. Tell  her you really do need her support to get through this.  In life, we too often assume other people we're close to know, or should know, how we're feeling.  This is new, unimaginably scarey territory to all of us here and grief, especially early grief, is blimmin terrifying at times. 

I'm glad you have found us and because we live in different parts of the world there is usually someone reading or posting on the forum.   Honestly, only people who have experienced the loss of a much loved soul-mate can grasp and understand the real depth of our pain, but in our everday lives we need support as well.   

Please know that you didn't fail your Panda, Cutie Pie.  You did everything and more, within your power to help him.  What your Panda's niece's Uncle said, is something that we hear/read of often - sometimes people do wait to die alone so as to spare loved ones added pain. Hearing is the last sense to go for someone dying - I have this to be so with the two passing aways, I've been present at.  Please take comfort in that your Panda will have heard your audio recordings and your special loving goodbyes and know they'll have brought him much comfort.  The last love filled words he heard - with him forever. 

Sending you strength, love and big hugs Xx

 

 

 

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KayC   

Cutie Pie,

You and your story were really on my mind all day...I hope you read the article I linked for you.  This is something I struggled with as well, but I've had to accept that even though I couldn't be with him at the moment he died, he knew I was always there for him and would be then too if I could.  Perhaps it helped them to be able to focus on what was to come instead of worrying about our responses.  And if, just after they died, they looked around their body...perhaps they also found us where we are before they fully transitioned to what was next.  Not only were they important to us, but we were important to them as well.

Your attitude is remarkable.  I remember Michelle Obama (our last president's wife) saying, "When they take the low road, we take the high road."  I love that.  That is what you are doing and you are not giving them the power to change who you are, you are not seeking their level.

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RWT143   

I am so sorry for your loss, Cutie Pie.  I am glad you found this site and that you are posting and sharing your story. People here understand what you are going through and provide so much support and love.  I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort.  It is so devastating to be blessed with such a deep and true love then have it ripped suddenly.  The only advice that I have is to take it one moment at a time, as I find that one day at a time is often to much for me personally.  Cherish the memories the two of you made together.  Know that he is with you in spirit and always will be, until you meet again.  Hugs and love... Patty

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Eagle-96   

Cutiepie,

So very sorry for your loss. The grief we endure is daunting enough only to be asked to take on more pain due to the actions of those who should be on your side. It no longer surprises me when I hear of people trying to capitalize on the death of someone. Greed is a powerful thing and can cover the eyes and hearts of people we never thought would stoop so low. I pray that you will find peace and comfort and that the right people will come into your life to provide the hope and joy you so desperately need. Just come to the forum any time you feel the need as we are here for you.

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17 hours ago, M88 said:

Hello Cutie Pie - hugs for you first,  hon.  I'm so sorry you have so many issues to deal with.  Sadly, death sometimes brings out the worst in some people, especially sometimes when the family itself is not the typical nuclear family.  It stuns us when we have no idea it's coming.  Bad behaviour like this hurts us to the core.  Even though you feel used by Panda's brother (and justifiably so)  your love, your loyalty to get Panda back to his homeland, is giving you the strength to cope with this knowledge.  You will spend the rest of your days knowing you did the absolute very best you could for him.  

Death can also bring out the best in others and I hope some good people will come into your life soon.  As your Mum seems to be your main support, how about sitting down with your Mum and saying - Mum, this is how it really is for me - don't hold back, tell it like it really is. Tell  her you really do need her support to get through this.  In life, we too often assume other people we're close to know, or should know, how we're feeling.  This is new, unimaginably scarey territory to all of us here and grief, especially early grief, is blimmin terrifying at times. 

I'm glad you have found us and because we live in different parts of the world there is usually someone reading or posting on the forum.   Honestly, only people who have experienced the loss of a much loved soul-mate can grasp and understand the real depth of our pain, but in our everday lives we need support as well.   

Please know that you didn't fail your Panda, Cutie Pie.  You did everything and more, within your power to help him.  What your Panda's niece's Uncle said, is something that we hear/read of often - sometimes people do wait to die alone so as to spare loved ones added pain. Hearing is the last sense to go for someone dying - I have this to be so with the two passing aways, I've been present at.  Please take comfort in that your Panda will have heard your audio recordings and your special loving goodbyes and know they'll have brought him much comfort.  The last love filled words he heard - with him forever. 

Sending you strength, love and big hugs Xx

 

 

 

Hi M88 Thank you for your reply. Seems like there is always more truth to the story. I hate to say but I just found out that Panda's ex-wife had an joint account with Panda and before he was admitted to the hospital, several days before, Panda transferred 31000 pounds to the account for the kids tuition (they go to private schools).  She had only needed 10000 to pay for this terms for the two kids and she had 21000 pounds available but she didn't say anything. After Panda got sick, she told me that she was even struggling to find money to pay for the tuition, but the fact was she had more than she needed all along. I can't put it into words anymore as I don't understand why did she give Panda up. Why did she kept quite about the money that Panda sent which could have been used to save his life. She was selfish. She decided that she wasn't gonna tell anybody about the money. On top of that, his half brother knew about the transfer as well when he found the transaction history on his laptop. I don't know when and I am afraid that I might discover later that both of them knew about the money and they came to an agreement to not tell anybody and not save Panda. My brain is burnt. My heart can't stop bleeding. I'm filled rage and I want to kill them myself. I don't know what to do. I am just hurt all over again.

I don't know if I should travel to England with my Panda. I don't know. I would love to take him home, but I just don't have the courage to do so. We always travel to England together, this time, I might have to fly back all alone. How does that work? I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your advise. I have talked to my Mom and she now understand how I really feel. That comforts me a lot.

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13 hours ago, KayC said:

Cutie Pie,

You and your story were really on my mind all day...I hope you read the article I linked for you.  This is something I struggled with as well, but I've had to accept that even though I couldn't be with him at the moment he died, he knew I was always there for him and would be then too if I could.  Perhaps it helped them to be able to focus on what was to come instead of worrying about our responses.  And if, just after they died, they looked around their body...perhaps they also found us where we are before they fully transitioned to what was next.  Not only were they important to us, but we were important to them as well.

Your attitude is remarkable.  I remember Michelle Obama (our last president's wife) saying, "When they take the low road, we take the high road."  I love that.  That is what you are doing and you are not giving them the power to change who you are, you are not seeking their level.

Hi KayC,

Thank you for sharing the article with me. It is beautiful and healing. I, for now, still cannot forgive myself for not being there. But with time, I will. I will try at least.

I'm sorry that you were thrown out the room when he died. It's so painful to hear that and I have the image in my head of you thrown out of the room and crying your heart out. I know that you'd hope to be there for him. Hold him in your arms, or at least hold his hands and pat him and say that everything is gonna be alright. I love you. I dream to have that chance everyday. I think that I could have done that for him, could have held him, gave him a kiss, touched his cheek, held his hand. and told him that this is cutie pie, I love you with all my heart and I know exactly what you want to say even if you can't speak. I know you love me deeply. I will always remember how sweet your love is. I will love you forever and I will take care of myself for you and I will make sure your kids are ok. I wish he knew that I will do what's the best for his kids. I wish he knew that I really really really love him.

Maybe he knew. maybe he didn't want me there when he died. Maybe he didn't want me to experience his death like that so he chose to die after I left. Lots of maybes. 

I heard that when people die they immediately get enlighten with the facts and wisdom. So he would know that I really love him and I've done everything I can to save me. He will feel my love and my sorrows. I hope he does.

Thank you for cheering me up. I will try to stay strong and do everything I can to get my panda home. Nothing his family do or say would push me away. 

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M88   
3 hours ago, Cutie Pie said:

Hi M88 Thank you for your reply. Seems like there is always more truth to the story. I hate to say but I just found out that Panda's ex-wife had an joint account with Panda and before he was admitted to the hospital, several days before, Panda transferred 31000 pounds to the account for the kids tuition (they go to private schools).  She had only needed 10000 to pay for this terms for the two kids and she had 21000 pounds available but she didn't say anything. After Panda got sick, she told me that she was even struggling to find money to pay for the tuition, but the fact was she had more than she needed all along. I can't put it into words anymore as I don't understand why did she give Panda up. Why did she kept quite about the money that Panda sent which could have been used to save his life. She was selfish. She decided that she wasn't gonna tell anybody about the money. On top of that, his half brother knew about the transfer as well when he found the transaction history on his laptop. I don't know when and I am afraid that I might discover later that both of them knew about the money and they came to an agreement to not tell anybody and not save Panda. My brain is burnt. My heart can't stop bleeding. I'm filled rage and I want to kill them myself. I don't know what to do. I am just hurt all over again.

I don't know if I should travel to England with my Panda. I don't know. I would love to take him home, but I just don't have the courage to do so. We always travel to England together, this time, I might have to fly back all alone. How does that work? I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your advise. I have talked to my Mom and she now understand how I really feel. That comforts me a lot.

Hugs for you again first, hon.  What you have learned is very disturbing and my heart fair aches for you.  I wish I could ease your pain and suffering. 

I can only speak of my experience, and sadly it seems the people who want to gain money from the death of someone close, plead poverty, when in reality they are in a much better financial position than ourselves - always have been, always will be.  I understand your pain & feeling hurt all over again as I too have felt that numerous times.  This is the time we desperately need support, Cutie Pie, so I'm pleased you had a good honest talk with your Mom. 

There is so little written about family behaving badly and wanting to profit asap from a loved ones death, on the net or in grief books. It's a difficult issue for us to admit to and we feel shame, but the shame belongs to the bully's doing this - not us.  I'm sorry, I know that isn't helpful for your current heart-wrenching problem. 

If you travel back to England with your Panda's body, do you have people there that will take you under their wing and support you through the times you need to have contact with his untrustworthy family?  

You are a courageous, strong, young woman and I also understand that you aren't feeling like you are at present, but one day soon you will see that you are.  

Know my thoughts are with you. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx

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Cutie Pie, your story touched me deeply because it was so similar to mine. I lost my partner suddenly four months ago to very aggressive cancer. Just like you said, one minute he was this lively man I couldn't keep up with, and within two months it was all over. However, the way his family has been treating you also hits close to home, unfortunately. My partner didn't have any fortune or possessions, so if I were after that there would be nothing for me to seize. You would think that it would reassure his relatives as to the motives of my love for him; it didn't. Very few of his close friends have accepted me as his partner, even though I was the only one to be by his side EVERY DAY in the hospital. I mean seriously, people would come to visit and see me there with him and still refuse that we had a relationship! We had an age gap of 30 years and people are jealous of what we had. They are jealous that we had managed to overcome all obstacles and be together happy and balanced. They can't accept that someone as young as me (23 years old) could really be in love with someone his age without any hidden motives. But there were none! He was the love of my life and we simply happened to be born in different decades, that's all! I actually find it very offensive to him that they wouldn't consider him ''worthy'' of someone like me. Just like in your case, by doubting your relationship and your love, his relatives are actually doubting him and his life choices, which to me is pure envy. I take the liberty to assume that you too had a large age gap. You were lucky that his ex wives were supportive, because technically they really had zero obligation to do anything. My partner was married once, a deeply unhappy and toxic marriage and a nasty divorce 10 years ago. I only met his ex wife at the funeral, because she had the guts to make a eulogy stating how much they loved each other, with fake tears and everything. I couldn't believe my ears. The woman that destroyed his life during 22 years and threatened to never let him see his children again if he dared to divorce her, the woman that in my opinion made his life so unbearable that she got him sick eventually, spoke about how much they loved each other!! Needless to say, they hadn't spoken once in the past 10 years and she didn't even visit him at the hospital. While she wasn't exactly a problem, his ex before me was. She was the one that could definitely not accept that we were together because she was still very possessive of him, so she made my life a living hell during the two months of his hospitalisation. And obviously, until today and for as long as she shall live, she keeps presenting herself as his partner to the people that haven't known me. No one in my life has done me so much harm on purpose.

Sorry for the long post, but your story really clicked with me. It's just horrible having to experience the loss of the person you love the most AND have to deal with jealousy, competition, doubt and alienation. It tears me apart and eats up my soul a little more every day. Feel free to contact me if you wish. I hope you'll find peace.

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6 hours ago, Cutie Pie said:

I don't know if I should travel to England with my Panda. I don't know. I would love to take him home, but I just don't have the courage to do so. We always travel to England together, this time, I might have to fly back all alone. How does that work? I don't know what to do.

My partner was buried in a different country too -his hometown-, so I've done that travel. In case it can help you decide, here's how it was for me.

You will feel alone without him. Terribly alone. If you want and can, take somebody with you. I didn't because I didn't want to, but the travels back and forth were gut-wrenching. I was crying my eyes out on the plane. I would look at the passenger sitting next to me and hate them for not being my partner. Once I was there, a cousin of his was kind enough to let me stay at her house. I had already booked a hotel, but she contacted me -we had never spoken before- and she said ''look, I don't know you but you took care of my cousin and for that I will forever be grateful to you''. She was among the few rays of sunshine in this whole mess. I decided to accept her offer and I did well, because being alone in a hotel room would have been even worse. Plus, it felt nice to be with someone related to him. So if you have that possibility with a relative or a friend of his, do it. Overall, my advice would be to accept that you will probably be alone. Maybe you won't -I was a lot less alone than I had expected-, but at least like that you'll be prepared for the worst case scenario. Keep in mind why you want/don't want to do this and just focus on that. If you decide to go, it will be for you and Panda, no one else. I hope you do what's best for you. 

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18 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Cutiepie,

So very sorry for your loss. The grief we endure is daunting enough only to be asked to take on more pain due to the actions of those who should be on your side. It no longer surprises me when I hear of people trying to capitalize on the death of someone. Greed is a powerful thing and can cover the eyes and hearts of people we never thought would stoop so low. I pray that you will find peace and comfort and that the right people will come into your life to provide the hope and joy you so desperately need. Just come to the forum any time you feel the need as we are here for you.

Hi Eagle-96,

Thanks for your comforting words. I really needed it. It hurts to know that his close family held back my panda's money, even that money could have saved his life. I am amazed by what comes to people's mind when they see my baby lying in bed, defenseless and desperate for help. I agree that greed is a powerful thing and I believe that that greed they have will finally consume themselves.

I hope that I will find peace. Once my panda is buried, I will start to heal I think.  Thank you for replying to me. It really helps me to know that you guys understand my pain and struggle.  

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KayC   
10 hours ago, Cutie Pie said:

I heard that when people die they immediately get enlighten with the facts and wisdom. So he would know that I really love him and I've done everything I can to save me. He will feel my love and my sorrows. I hope he does.

I think that too.  It doesn't hurt to write him a letter and tell him how you feel, what you experienced.  Who knows but what he might be looking over your shoulder reading it!

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KMB   

Cutie Pie, Your love story and all that you are still tragically  enduring has touched my heart deeply. You have been in my thoughts and continual prayers. Just please know that someday, somehow, your panda's family, ex wives, will be held accountable for their disgusting behavior. Maybe not in this life time, but most certainly they will have to face their wrongs in front of our creator.:wub:

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19 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

Cutie Pie, your story touched me deeply because it was so similar to mine. I lost my partner suddenly four months ago to very aggressive cancer. Just like you said, one minute he was this lively man I couldn't keep up with, and within two months it was all over. However, the way his family has been treating you also hits close to home, unfortunately. My partner didn't have any fortune or possessions, so if I were after that there would be nothing for me to seize. You would think that it would reassure his relatives as to the motives of my love for him; it didn't. Very few of his close friends have accepted me as his partner, even though I was the only one to be by his side EVERY DAY in the hospital. I mean seriously, people would come to visit and see me there with him and still refuse that we had a relationship! We had an age gap of 30 years and people are jealous of what we had. They are jealous that we had managed to overcome all obstacles and be together happy and balanced. They can't accept that someone as young as me (23 years old) could really be in love with someone his age without any hidden motives. But there were none! He was the love of my life and we simply happened to be born in different decades, that's all! I actually find it very offensive to him that they wouldn't consider him ''worthy'' of someone like me. Just like in your case, by doubting your relationship and your love, his relatives are actually doubting him and his life choices, which to me is pure envy. I take the liberty to assume that you too had a large age gap. You were lucky that his ex wives were supportive, because technically they really had zero obligation to do anything. My partner was married once, a deeply unhappy and toxic marriage and a nasty divorce 10 years ago. I only met his ex wife at the funeral, because she had the guts to make a eulogy stating how much they loved each other, with fake tears and everything. I couldn't believe my ears. The woman that destroyed his life during 22 years and threatened to never let him see his children again if he dared to divorce her, the woman that in my opinion made his life so unbearable that she got him sick eventually, spoke about how much they loved each other!! Needless to say, they hadn't spoken once in the past 10 years and she didn't even visit him at the hospital. While she wasn't exactly a problem, his ex before me was. She was the one that could definitely not accept that we were together because she was still very possessive of him, so she made my life a living hell during the two months of his hospitalisation. And obviously, until today and for as long as she shall live, she keeps presenting herself as his partner to the people that haven't known me. No one in my life has done me so much harm on purpose.

Sorry for the long post, but your story really clicked with me. It's just horrible having to experience the loss of the person you love the most AND have to deal with jealousy, competition, doubt and alienation. It tears me apart and eats up my soul a little more every day. Feel free to contact me if you wish. I hope you'll find peace.

Hi FirstWas,

I'm sorry to hear that we have similar experience in this tragedy. I think that we can find comfort in each other and cheer each other up. 

You are right about the age gap that I have with my panda. it's 22 years. But I didn't feel it at all as he was just a vibrant man. He was so curious about life just as I do. We have so much to talk about everyday and we enjoy the same movies, food, travelling spots, etc. He was my one and only. I don't think that I will ever find someone like him ever again. I am gonna be alone and think about every second that we had together. Memories do fade and I am so scared that one day my memories of him will disappear. I don't want to leave him behind. It hurts me to see other people moving on with their lives as my panda just died. Why did this happen to him? I am dying for a answer. He was such a kind person, never hurt anybody. Why does he have to die? Why am I left behind? I ask myself everyday and I dont know the answer to anything anymore.

I thought his wife was kind enough to lend a hand, even just a little bit of financial support. But I was wrong. His second wife (not married technically, but have two kids), received 31000 pounds from him just 6 days before he got sick. That money was for the kids tuition, but only 9000 needed for this term. So she had 22000 pounds in hand when my baby got sick and she didn't even mention it. She told me then that she didn't receive any money from my panda for the school fee and she is struggling to make the ends meet. That was a huge lie and I just found out about the truth. My world is upside down because I can not believe that she would leave the father of her children to die and hide the money for herself. I can't believe that my panda had children with such a cruel woman. He died, partially because she killed him. even not with her own hands, but too some degree she did.

I completed understand what you mean by "It's just horrible having to experience the loss of the person you love the most AND have to deal with jealousy, competition, doubt and alienation." This is so true. I can't believe that some people put themselves behind my panda's life. Some people are just born evil.

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KayC   

Wow, if that's so, it's cold, isn't it.  I would ask her about it.  But then I'm a confrontational person, you may not be.  

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14 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow, if that's so, it's cold, isn't it.  I would ask her about it.  But then I'm a confrontational person, you may not be.  

I wish I could, but the person who told me is his niece. They will hurt her if I tell them what she told me. I'm stuck. It hurts me to know that his family knows the facts but they are not doing anything.

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On 9/14/2017 at 2:22 AM, KMB said:

Cutie Pie, Your love story and all that you are still tragically  enduring has touched my heart deeply. You have been in my thoughts and continual prayers. Just please know that someday, somehow, your panda's family, ex wives, will be held accountable for their disgusting behavior. Maybe not in this life time, but most certainly they will have to face their wrongs in front of our creator.:wub:

Hi KMB,

Thank you for your reply. My heart hurts every time when I see you guys call me cutie pie. He was the only person that calls me that, in fact, he called me sweet cutie pie. I thought by putting it as my display name would help me. But maybe now. It makes me miss him even more. I thought I was better. I thought at a point that I could manage, but I am down at the bottom again.

I agree with you. Those who turned their backs on him will be punished. I will live to see that happen. I will protect my panda from them.

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On 9/12/2017 at 10:26 PM, RWT143 said:

I am so sorry for your loss, Cutie Pie.  I am glad you found this site and that you are posting and sharing your story. People here understand what you are going through and provide so much support and love.  I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort.  It is so devastating to be blessed with such a deep and true love then have it ripped suddenly.  The only advice that I have is to take it one moment at a time, as I find that one day at a time is often to much for me personally.  Cherish the memories the two of you made together.  Know that he is with you in spirit and always will be, until you meet again.  Hugs and love... Patty

Hi Patty. Glad to hear from you. You guys have been so kind helping me and comforting me. I totally get what you mean by take it one moment at a time. I thought I can do this. I thought I was getting better, but today it hit me again. I was on the way to work and talking to my panda as I've been doing since he died. Suddenly, I realized again that he will never love me back anymore. And there will on long be any new memories for us anymore. Whatever I do, it's gonna be just me. He is no long with me. I can't hear back from him anymore. Will never get a call or message from him anymore. I lost him forever. I wish I can say how much I miss him. I have ran out of words. 

 

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LoveGoli   
28 minutes ago, Cutie Pie said:

Hi Patty. Glad to hear from you. You guys have been so kind helping me and comforting me. I totally get what you mean by take it one moment at a time. I thought I can do this. I thought I was getting better, but today it hit me again. I was on the way to work and talking to my panda as I've been doing since he died. Suddenly, I realized again that he will never love me back anymore. And there will on long be any new memories for us anymore. Whatever I do, it's gonna be just me. He is no long with me. I can't hear back from him anymore. Will never get a call or message from him anymore. I lost him forever. I wish I can say how much I miss him. I have ran out of words. 

 

We all are struggling with this. Can't touch, hear, listen, kiss, feel them. They are gone forever at least physically and its very hard to deal with. I am struggling daily with this pain, every morning is like slap on my face when I don't see him next to me then I stare our wedding photo which is hanging on wall and its like my heart ripped out. I want to cry loud that time, its so unfair but can't help it. We have to live like this, it is our destiny now, we are those unlucky one who did not get chance to "live happily ever after."

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