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Loaded12345

It comes in waves

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Today is 4 weeks since the last time I spoke to my wife. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since she has been gone. Funeral services are done that was the day it all seemed so final. Her birthday is coming up we will have a party it is her 40th after all celebration of life for friends and family who couldn't make the trip to the funeral. I'm back at work it takes so much to make it through one day I see how people lose so much after the loss of a spouse. The energy it takes to be around people is immense much less to function productively. I have so much to lose that we have worked so hard to achieve. The mixture of emotions I feel on a daily basis is insane. How can a person be so lonely but not want to be around anyone at the same time. I've been mad at everyone for every reason yet no reason at all. Ive looked for who to blame, I've blamed myself as if you can place blame on anyone for something that was completely out of anyone's control. For a week after she passed I went numb to everything I had other things that needed my attention. I miss that numbness in a way, but it wasn't helping.  I totally blocked everything to accomplish the task at hand it needed to be done for my son. After that I could see to taking care of thing for my wife. It's easy to stay focused when I have a task to focus on. I have heard how strong I am, how sorry everyone is, how if there is anything they can do, how it is good to focus on my son but I need to take time for myself. I am not the only who lost when my wife passed she was loved by so many, touched so many lives it gives me pride that she's my wife. When I say it comes in waves right now I get hit with waves of emotions from sorrow, to anger, to hope, and pretty much everything you can think of. I'm sure thing will never be the same I don't expect them to be. At times I feel like this should be easier somehow then I feel like it's been too easy already. Thanks for your time.  

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I definitely agree that it seems crazy. The loneliness is overwhelming but being around anyone for more than 15 minutes is unbearable to me. Part of my envies you having a child. You have someone to focus on taking care of. But I also can't imagine having to do anything more than putting one foot in front of the other. All I can say is that nothing about this disaster is easy and we're here for you as much as we can be. Sorry you're going through this.

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KayC   
14 hours ago, Loaded12345 said:

How can a person be so lonely but not want to be around anyone at the same time.

Because the one you're lonely for is gone.

14 hours ago, Loaded12345 said:

I miss that numbness in a way, but it wasn't helping.

Most of us feel shock or numbness at first, it's purpose is to protect us and let reality to hit us bit by bit as we can better handle it.  That time frame will be different for everyone.
 

I'm very sorry for your loss.  This is the hardest thing in the world, but it can be gotten through.  I don't know what people did before forums, I can't imagine.

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Francine   
On 9/10/2017 at 5:25 PM, Loaded12345 said:

I've been mad at everyone for every reason yet no reason at all. Ive looked for who to blame, I've blamed myself as if you can place blame on anyone for something that was completely out of anyone's control. For a week after she passed I went numb to everything I had other things that needed my attention.

I think it's quite normal to feel this way; blame someone, anyone; heck someone has to be at fault - when you can't find someone, blame yourself.  You know no one is at fault, but it's easier for us and we want *easier* anything.  Expect to experience those insane emotions and they will get worse before they get better.  It is those moments when you think the pain can't get any worse and then it does.  You take a deep breath and pick yourself back up and continue to battle the moments of the ever-changing never-ending day.  But you know what? - You are a warrior and you won't give up; not only for yourself, but for her.  She wouldn't want you to.   Things don't go wrong in life and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up; they happen to break you down and built you up so you can be stronger than you thought you could ever be.

 

On 9/10/2017 at 5:25 PM, Loaded12345 said:

but I need to take time for myself. I am not the only who lost when my wife passed she was loved by so many, touched so many lives it gives me pride that she's my wife.

So true. Going through something as difficult as this is draining.  You deserve to make self-care a priority.  Whether that means lying in bed all day, sleeping, crying, rescheduling plans, finding an escape through a good book, watching your favorite TV show or doing nothing at all - give yourself permission to put your healing first.  Quiet that voice that is telling you to do more and be more - whatever you do, let it be enough.  Feel your emotions, breathe, and be gentle on yourself.  Know that you are doing the best you can to cope and survive and trust that during this time of struggle, it's enough.

I feel you - I am so proud and grateful to have been allowed to share my love and life with my Charles, my soulmate for 45 years.    Many are not awarded that luxury.  I thank God for designing a man specifically for me, and placing him in my life and loving me for the rest of his life. I am truly grateful for this man who fathered my children,  was my best friend, my protector, my one and only truelove, my soulmate, my heart. I cannot nor will not ever let him out of my heart. 

I love my Charles so much and to this day, still do; the days will always be brighter because he existed; the nights will always be darker because he's gone.  And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.
 

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Karl   

Guilt is a part of the grieving process, they say it is one of the first parts, but I still have guilt over my relationship with my wife. Did I tell her that I loved her enough? or did I show how important she was to me? etc....

The loneliness you feel is the realisation of the missing part of you, like losing a limb. My loneliness is the hardest part to still cope with, I don't want to be around people often, I'm quite happy on my own. But the loneliness we feel is different than being by yourself, if you know what I mean, it's not sharing something in a movie or some gossip, not waking up to your love, not sharing experiences together etc... 

Don't push yourself, take time to do things your own way, and don't let others rush you or make choices for you, you may regret very quickly. 

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Francine   
On 9/11/2017 at 7:22 PM, Karl said:

Guilt is a part of the grieving process, they say it is one of the first parts, but I still have guilt over my relationship with my wife. Did I tell her that I loved her enough? or did I show how important she was to me? etc....

The loneliness you feel is the realisation of the missing part of you, like losing a limb. My loneliness is the hardest part to still cope with, I don't want to be around people often, I'm quite happy on my own. But the loneliness we feel is different than being by yourself, if you know what I mean, it's not sharing something in a movie or some gossip, not waking up to your love, not sharing experiences together etc... 

Don't push yourself, take time to do things your own way, and don't let others rush you or make choices for you, you may regret very quickly. 

 

You're right - Guilt is a huge part of the grieving process and I think we all go though it.  Remember we are mere humans with human minds and feelings and we're always gonna question ourselves; asking those questions  "If I had",  "Would I have", "Should I have", "Could I  have". 

Loneliness is such a sad affair and I can't hardly wait to be with my Charles again. Like you, loneliness is the hardest part of grief.  I try to be strong, but this world is so lonely without my Charles in it.   Since his departure from this earth, I've never realized how lonely I am until it's the end of the day and I have a lot of things to talk about and no Charles to tell them to.  But you know what, there's a place within me where his fingers still rest on mine, his kisses still linger on my lips and his whispers softly echo in my ears.  Its a place where a part of my Charles will forever be a part of me.

Today, I am NOT OK; it hurts, but that's OK, I'm used to it. I'm tired; tired of trying; hoping; coping; existing; that feeling when you're not necessarily sad, but just feel really empty; I feel I'm done.  Will it get better, I don't know, I guess I hope so.  I guess one must tell themselves that things will get better tomorrow, even if they are not better tomorrow.  I guess we need to keep telling ourselves it will be tomorrow, and eventually it just may be.

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KMB   
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6 hours ago, Francine said:

Today, I am NOT OK; it hurts, but that's OK, I'm used to it. I'm tired; tired of trying; hoping; coping; existing; that feeling when you're not necessarily sad, but just feel really empty; I feel I'm done.  Will it get better, I don't know, I guess I hope so.  I guess one must tell themselves that things will get better tomorrow, even if they are not better tomorrow.  I guess we need to keep telling ourselves it will be tomorrow, and eventually it just may be.

 

Feeling the same. Except, I AM sad all the time. I don't know what other word to describe the feeling. I don't find any pleasure or joy  in anything. My Ed should be here, sharing this life together, for many more years, as our hearts and minds had wanted.

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KayC   
On 9/11/2017 at 5:22 PM, Karl said:

Did I tell her that I loved her enough? or did I show how important she was to me? etc....

I bet she knew.  If in doubt, tell her now, maybe they can hear us.  I talk to my husband all the time!

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KayC   
13 hours ago, KMB said:

Feeling the same. Except, I AM sad all the time. I don't know what other word to describe the feeling. I don't find any pleasure or joy  in anything. My Ed should be here, sharing this life together, for many more years, as our hearts and minds had wanted.

I know.  I feel the same way.  I've learned to coexist with my grief, it took me a long time to get there.  I can fully enjoy my grandchildren and my dog, but my grief is always there too.

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Francine   
17 hours ago, KMB said:

 Except, I AM sad all the time. I don't know what other word to describe the feeling. I don't find any pleasure or joy  in anything. My Ed should be here, sharing this life together, for many more years, as our hearts and minds had wanted.

I so feel you.  Charles should be here with me and I'm lost without him.

 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I can fully enjoy my grandchildren and my dog, but my grief is always there too.

I too enjoy my grandchildren; they make me laugh and I am so grateful to God for allowing them to have at least one grandparent.  But when they are around, I want Charles around (like before) so that we can enjoy them together.  I hate the fact that they will grow up without him; so I will make sure, until I take my last breath, that he is never forgotten.  Its just so very very hard.
 

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Francine said:

I hate the fact that they will grow up without him; so I will make sure, until I take my last breath, that he is never forgotten.  Its just so very very hard.
 

There just are no words really, for anything of what we are going through.

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