Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Recommended Posts

I was a normal quiet girl before I met him. I hadn't dated anyone since 2011 nor did I care or even thought about dating.  I met him at work on a chilly November 2016 evening. I thought he was a strange man when I first saw him but I am a strange person myself. Up till February 2017 he was just another co-worker who I hardly notice. One day another co-worker pointed out he was a drug addict. For some reason, I paid more attention to him after that. I've always been a brave girl with no regrets. So, I went up to him and asked him if he was a drug addict. My question threw him off, he wasn't expecting it. He nod his head with a smile and answered "no".  At the time I don't blame him for lying, I was just a weirdo asking him an uncomfortable question. To make it clear, he was a heroin addict and really liked cocaine, the cocaine part was told to me by someone else after he died. Around February 14  I remember he called me several times. I answered his phone call, he said to me "Happy Valentine's Day" and asked if I had any plans. I responded, " Thanks and no I don't have any plans". I hung up immediately because back then I wanted nothing to do with him. His birthday was in March, I remember he begged me to go out with him to dinner to celebrate his birthday. I felt bad and sorry for him so I agree to go with him. We chatted and I ended up buying dinner for him. For whatever reason I felt bad for this poor guy. He was far from home, lonely and was fighting his drug addiction. One night weeks after his birthday while we were at work he gave me a back hug and a kiss on the neck. God knows why but I really, really enjoyed that hug and kiss. I will never forget that day!  After that night, that's when it all started. I started to care and worry for him like a lunatic. Our first kiss was on a rainy night in my car in March. I can't really remember the exact date. I never been the type of person to write things down. Maybe I thought I was going to be with him for a long time so dates weren't important. He was always very respectful and innocent, that's what I loved about him. He never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do. Once we kiss, I found myself asking him for more! I had kiss several guys in the past and I knew how to tell among good kissers and bad kissers. He was indeed a bad kisser but I liked it... I always teased him and told him although he was a bad kisser I still wanted only him, only his kisses. For three months we had a good time; oh how I wish those days never went away. Of course we had our differences and a few arguments here and there but I was crazy for this guy! Like an idiot, I would run to him when he needed help. Now that he has passed away, I want to kiss him really bad. I miss him, I want to see him, I want to ask the heavens why!? I know I can't ask why but I'm just trying to understand, trying to get this awful feeling inside my heart. Wish we could of been nicer and happier with each other. The quote, " You don't know what you have till its gone", hits me very hard. Its so true now that he's gone what am I suppose to do?  I never been the type to wish for things. Even when I blew my birthday candles or when we texted each other, " its 11:11 make a wish".  For 24 years, I have not wished for anything until recently. Now, I find myself making just one wish, one desperate wish. A wish that I want with all my heart to come true. The wish of seeing him again. I'm not asking to die I just want to see him. I want to tell him, " how much I love him, to take care, to not worry about me and that we will be together one day". I feel as if I'm being punished or as if I been cursed. I try to believe I've been a good person with good intentions. I've spoke to several people about death, people from different religions, different countries to try to comprehend why this happened to me. Just when I thought my love life was about to be full of happiness. My happiness gets taken away... He said to me," I love you soooooo much to infinity n beyond", maybe the small, powerless me will meet him in infinity or beyond.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
M88   

Hi Sunflowerlove - you are obviously a very loving, generous soul and I am so sorry you didn't get to have a long happy life with your partner.  It sounds like you and he had a fun, loving relationship.  My late hubby and I started our life together in our middle years but age didn't prevent us from being silly buggers together.  I so miss his sense of humour and our laughter.  I miss everything about him with every fibre of my being and finally 20 months since his terrible death,  I am finally able smile instead of cry, at some of the memories we made.  Some of what you wrote also brought a smile to my face. 

We also didn't get to say goodbye, but I take comfort in that he always knew he was loved and appreciated to bits. From what you write,  I'm sure your man knew this too and it will bring you comfort. 

Sending strength, love and hugs X 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ka9219   

Sunflower, how unfair is life, isn't it? I wish I could tell you one day this wish will come true, I've asked the same as well, but our reality is beyond of being a fairy tail. I remember about a quote that says: Reality always superpasses fiction. Yes reality could be sadder and colder than any horror story. I understand the pain and the sorrow,  I've dreamed about touching one more time his face, to smell his essence, to kiss his lips. 

I wish I could said something worth telling but I found myself in the same struggle, wishing I could be one more minute in his physical presence, but after a minute I'll want another minute and then another more, and it will never stop, because what I really wanted is to spend my whole life next to him, taking care of each other, loving each other. I keep constantly wondering why and why and why, but there is no answer, and it seems it will never be.

Hang in there, I know this is hard, I am going through the same, is not easy, it will never be. But you are not alone, his soul is with you and to carry the weight in life we are also here for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Sunflower, thank you for sharing your story with us, it's beautiful to read how people came to be together, how they felt about each other.  I do believe we'll be together again.  The odds of us finding each other were a million to one, yet we did, how could we not, two souls destined for each other, we will be together again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@M88 Thank you for your comment! I'm glad to hear I brought a smile to your face! I'm looking forward to the day I can smile while thinking about him. I felt a wave of sadness yesterday so I decided to write a forum about my man. I'm trying to think as positive as I can but I know he is no longer here and it tears me into pieces. Again, thank you for the nice comment!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Ka9219 Thank you for your comment! I wrote this forum because I could not get him out of my mind. i felt like a crazy person nothing wanting to think about him because it breaks me down. At the same time, I wanted to think about him. I understand sometimes there's not much to say. Either way, thank you for attempting to bring my mood up. I really do hope his soul is with me!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

sunflowerlove,  Your heart poured out your love story and you wrote so beautifully. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Life is so weird at times at how it operates. All of us here have our love stories and wonder at so many questions about the whys of what was so beautiful disappearing. You found each other in this life, you will find each other again, in the next life we go to after this one. Sending you prayers of love peace and comfort.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
On 9/7/2017 at 8:02 PM, sunflowerlove said:

wish that I want with all my heart to come true. The wish of seeing him again. I'm not asking to die I just want to see him. I want to tell him, " how much I love him, to take care, to not worry about me and that we will be together one day". I feel as if I'm being punished or as if I been cursed. I try to believe I've been a good person with good intentions. I've spoke to several people about death, people from different religions, different countries to try to comprehend why this happened to me. Just when I thought my love life was about to be full of happiness. My happiness gets taken away... He said to me," I love you soooooo much to infinity n beyond", maybe the small, powerless me will meet him in infinity or beyond.

I'm so sorry and I share your wish.  Why things happen when they do, is a mystery that we will never know (not now anyway) and perhaps we are not meant to know.   I too thought I was being punished and abandon by God.  How could HE have taken my Charles away from me; Charles was a good man, husband, father, protector, soulmate, my best friend.  I know now that God did not or will not abandoned me.  I am a stronge believer in faith and God, and while I may not understand how everything will work out, I trust HIM.  I may not see the way, but I trust that HE will make a way; things may look dark and bleak now, but my dawn is coming.  There is a perfect peace that comes when we place our trust in HIM.  Knowing that we are secure in HIM and that no matter what threatens us, we can go to HIM and find shelter and safety.  I believe we're not completely happy here on earth because we're not suppose to be.  Earth is not our final home; we were created for something better  - our citizenship is in heaven.  Trust in God's timing; its better to wait a while and have things fall into place than to rush and have things fall apart.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Francine Hey lady! Sucks we meet this way. I just don't understand why I'm suffering so much if god is love. You know? Like, I believe in god and Jesus Christ but I want to understand why my happiness was taken away?! Although, your last three sentences, I never heard anything like that! That is so nice to hear, it made my day!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@sunflowerlove you saw beyond the addict and they don't really let people get to know them. I see that with Rachel how she pushed a lot of people away and withdrew from a lot of things. She did try hard to be a good mother and for us to have a good family life though. Don't let him being an addict define your relationship, it's just an unfortunate accident. That's what I try to tell myself too. The wondering about the love that could have been is the hardest part. You'll survive though and sometimes I think that's the hardest part knowing you'll survive without that person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
14 hours ago, sunflowerlove said:

@Francine Hey lady! Sucks we meet this way. I just don't understand why I'm suffering so much if god is love. You know? Like, I believe in god and Jesus Christ but I want to understand why my happiness was taken away?! Although, your last three sentences, I never heard anything like that! That is so nice to hear, it made my day!

I agree, it is unfortunate, but we were brought together for reason in just this manner.   Why must we suffer; perhaps love cannot exist without it, and God is Love.  People have a hard time letting go of their suffering; perhaps out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.  Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it and for all we know, sometimes God lets our lives fall apart so we can finally let HIM help us rebuilt it in a more beautiful way than we could have ever imagined.

If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an accepted part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.   We have our individual crosses to carry, imagine the cross our Lord had to bare for all of us. 

You take care and know you are always in my prayers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×