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My mom (49) passed away unexpectedly...in front of my eyes

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It's been four months since she left me. To this day, I don't understand why. Even the autopsy report does not provide a clear answer. 

But it doesn't even matter. All I can think is: She's gone. My number one supporter and best friend is gone. 

And I didn't stop it. I didn't do anything. She was dying in front of my eyes and I didn't even realize it. 

Within 18 hours, my mom went from being a 100% fine to collapsing on the bathroom floor.

She was so healthy and so full of energy and life. It just doesn't make sense. But it's my new reality I can't escape from.

Since she passed, my life has been a blur. My days have become meaningless. My heart has been in constant pain. 

I am 23 years old. An only child. How will I survive the next 60 years? Without my rock, my light and my guide.

How will I ever feel loved again? How will I ever feel happiness again?

I would do anything to have her here again. To be able to hug her, share my day with her, and to see her beautiful smile.

We had so many plans. So much more to do together. But now she will not be there when I get my first job or when I get married and have children. Or when I am in need of her love and care.

I miss her. Every single day.  

Yet, everyone around me continues living like nothing happened. They will eventually forget her. Most of them already did.

And that's what I'm most afraid of. That as the years go by, the memories of her will start to fade. And I will forget her voice, her movements, her jokes... Because these memories of her are all I have left.  

I will never understand why this had to happen.

I feel so alone. So lost. So hopeless. I miss you mom.  

To everyone going through a similar journey,

I send you all my love and strength. 

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Dear Virgo,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm very sorry for your loss and all the pain and sorrow you are going through. I know this is an extremely difficult time.

Please know you are not alone in your thought and feelings. And you have expressed so well what each and everyone goes through after the devastating loss of a parent. I wish I could go back in time for all us.

We are all here for you. Take care of yourself. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Dear Virgo,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You are still in shock and traumatized which is completely understandable.  I completely understand your feelings as it is so painful and hard to even absorb.  I knew my mom would die one week before she did.  When it happened though it was still a shock and that shock that she was gone went on for at least 3-4 months.  So for you, your mom being healthy and then suddenly dead is terribly brutal.  I know life feels meaningless and empty and it is hard to enjoy anything.  I felt like this every single day for 7 months.  Only now I think I'm beginning to turn a corner and look forward.  Having said that every single day I talk to my mother out loud like she is here and listening.  I miss her every day.  I can't imagine happiness again and the realization of not speaking to her, not having a conversation ever again makes me cry every day.  Pain of loss goes on for a long time.  I have said this before, I don't think it's something we can expect to get over.  It changes us.  The love we experience from a mother we will never have again, we have to find a new way to be in the world without them.  I think it probably takes years.  The current blur you feel will in time get a little bit less but the pain of loss I believe stays.  I'm deeply sorry for the traumatic way your mom died.  I still re play the scenes in the hospital and everything that happened in my mind.  I dream about her.  No one can minimize the importance of loosing a mother, it's just terrible.  Know we are all here because we're all in the same sad club.

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I had tears in my eyes reading your post. I lost my father and mother 2 weeks agoand was very close to my father. Reading your post felt like I was reading my own emotions. Take it one day at a time and don’t expect anything from yourself. 

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