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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
JDustin

My Life, My Love

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My wife of 22 years passed away on Mothers day this year. It was a normal saturday in April on our way home from the store. Half way home she became I'll. I took her to the ER, to find out she had had a minor stroke. That night in the hospital she had another stroke and lost sight on her right eye, she was already blind in her left eye from the year before. She had 2 more stroke after that. The last one was in her brain stem and they could not remove it. 16 days later she was gone. She was every thing. I think about since she is not here why should I be. I dont want to hurt myself but at times i become very angry and it then seems like a good idea. I have quit my job after 15 years because I  don't want to deal with that stress. I have returned to my mother's home and at 43 years old that's a challenge in itself. My plan is to stay long enough to get myself better, find a new job and start moving forward with my life. I will never get over looking my wife.....i just want to be able to function at a normal level, whatever that is. We have a daughter who is 25. I feel in a way I lost her too since I don't see her everyday like I have for the last 22 years. I feel alone and isolated and often watch people going through their day to day lives with smiles and laughter and here I am standing still with my.......

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J - I am so sorry for your loss.  Sadly, all of us here know the intense depth of pain losing a soulmate brings.  And only those who have experienced this type of loss understand it.  It has such a huge impact on our minds. bodies, and souls and there are no shortcuts to healing.  It can't have been easy leaving your home and job.  Do try and keep in touch with your daughter.  I know it takes effort sometimes to pick up the phone,  but please do. She'll be mourning her Mother and will need her Dad. 

Grief is a terrible, isolating trauma in itself that we must endure and work our way through as best as we can.  Just when we think we can't possibly feel any worse, the pain seems to hit us harder yet a few months out from our loss.  At this stage we really do need to take care of ourselves.  We need to get the grief counselling we need, eat nutritious food - even if only small portions, and get enough rest and exercise.  Our bodies need the nutrition to help them recover from the shock.  Grief is a long, twisted, pot hole ridden road, often taken with three steps forward two back.  In time and with hard work, we develop strategies and coping skills which help us quicker regain the lost ground those two steps back cost us.  And here on the forum is where we learn these strategies and skills so I am glad you found us. 

I lost my darling man 20 months ago and the phrase 'one day at a time' is how I have to live my life now.  I still need to remind myself of this phrase many times each day as I'm still dealing with many serious legal and family issues -  it's a worthwhile skill to learn.   

Keep reading and posting and you will find understanding, support and compassion. 

Sending you strength and hugs. 

 

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JDustin,

I am sorry for your loss. I am, however, glad you found us here. It always breaks my heart when a new member joins the forum. It must be hard to not only lose her but to have so much other change in your life at the same time. As M88 said, try to keep contact with your daughter if you can. You both need each other now more than ever and I hope the bonds will remain strong. Please continue to come here whenever you need to. We will provide advice when you need it or just listen if you need an ear. I pray for you and your strength as you navigate this road.

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JDustin,

I am sorry to hear of your loss, you will find you are here with others who understand and get it, this is the one thing we have in common...trying to continue in the face of such radical change.  

It will be very important to make good decisions for yourself to help you have the best possible survival for yourself, and for your family.  I want to share an article I wrote as I think it could help you, starting with finding a good grief counselor.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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7 hours ago, M88 said:

J - I am so sorry for your loss.  Sadly, all of us here know the intense depth of pain losing a soulmate brings.  And only those who have experienced this type of loss understand it.  It has such a huge impact on our minds. bodies, and souls and there are no shortcuts to healing.  It can't have been easy leaving your home and job.  Do try and keep in touch with your daughter.  I know it takes effort sometimes to pick up the phone,  but please do. She'll be mourning her Mother and will need her Dad. 

Grief is a terrible, isolating trauma in itself that we must endure and work our way through as best as we can.  Just when we think we can't possibly feel any worse, the pain seems to hit us harder yet a few months out from our loss.  At this stage we really do need to take care of ourselves.  We need to get the grief counselling we need, eat nutritious food - even if only small portions, and get enough rest and exercise.  Our bodies need the nutrition to help them recover from the shock.  Grief is a long, twisted, pot hole ridden road, often taken with three steps forward two back.  In time and with hard work, we develop strategies and coping skills which help us quicker regain the lost ground those two steps back cost us.  And here on the forum is where we learn these strategies and skills so I am glad you found us. 

I lost my darling man 20 months ago and the phrase 'one day at a time' is how I have to live my life now.  I still need to remind myself of this phrase many times each day as I'm still dealing with many serious legal and family issues -  it's a worthwhile skill to learn.   

Keep reading and posting and you will find understanding, support and compassion. 

Sending you strength and hugs. 

 

I am sorry for your loss. I am greatful for the feedback. I don't want this to sound bad but there is comfort sharing with people who understand what it feels like to loose your soulmate in some way. Talking to people that have not gone through this try to say things to make you feel better but sometimes it does the opposite. I will continue to post as needed today was a good day.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

JDustin,

I am sorry to hear of your loss, you will find you are here with others who understand and get it, this is the one thing we have in common...trying to continue in the face of such radical change.  

It will be very important to make good decisions for yourself to help you have the best possible survival for yourself, and for your family.  I want to share an article I wrote as I think it could help you, starting with finding a good grief counselor.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you for the tips they make a lot of sense and they help me to see that i am moving in the right direction but its just going to take time and i have to be patient and let it just happen. I think  one of the biggest issues i have is its just me. I spent 22 years focused on someone else just as much as my wife, Janay focused on me. Your right its time for me to put me first.....it just doesnt feel right. Thank you again.

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7 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

JDustin,

I am sorry for your loss. I am, however, glad you found us here. It always breaks my heart when a new member joins the forum. It must be hard to not only lose her but to have so much other change in your life at the same time. As M88 said, try to keep contact with your daughter if you can. You both need each other now more than ever and I hope the bonds will remain strong. Please continue to come here whenever you need to. We will provide advice when you need it or just listen if you need an ear. I pray for you and your strength as you navigate this road.

Thank you for the reply. I actually went and saw my daughter today and took her to lunch. We now live in different cities so I told her I require one actual phone call every week. We can text as much as we want but I want to hear her voice every week. Thank you again.

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11 hours ago, JDustin said:

 I think about since she is not here why should I be.   My plan is to stay long enough to get myself better, find a new job and start moving forward with my life. I will never get over looking my wife.....i just want to be able to function at a normal level, whatever that is. I feel alone and isolated and often watch people going through their day to day lives with smiles and laughter and here I am standing still with my.......

I am so sorry for your loss and know too well your pain. You won't ever get over the loss of your wife nor should you; she was a part of you and what you shared is once in a lifetime occurrence.   But we are not meant to stay wounded. We are supposed to move through our tragedies and challenges and painful episodes of our lives.  I applaud you for wanting to be able to function at a normal level again; by remaining stuck in our wounds, we block our own transformation and overlook the greater gifts inherent in our wounds; the strength to overcome them and the lessons we are meant to receive through them. I believe they are meant for us to become compassionate and wise. 

When I lost my Charles, I didn't believe I could endure without him.  But I have, I have been broken, and have experienced hardship, heartbreak, loneliness and have lost myself.  Every so often I get so sad; so sad that I completely shut down.  I literally blankly stare at the walls and it doesn't matter what is said to me; because in that moment,  I simply don't exist.  I actually hit rock bottom and then I fell apart and had no clue how I was going to pick myself back up.  I realized that hitting rock bottom didn't mean I had to stay there; I found that God was the rock at the bottom that leveled me again.   Through the grace of God here I stand, still moving forward, perhaps becoming more stable and steady each day.  Don't misconstrued what I'm stating; everyday I still hurt, pain, ache, and struggle with the loss of my Charles and will never forget the harsh lessons this life has and is teaching me, I've lived; I've loved; I've lost; I've missed; I've hurt; I've trusted; I've made mistake, but most of all, I've learned.

I am a stronger believer in God and prayer and although I might not be able to see where I'm headed, I can assure you, God can.  HE is holding my hand, breathing life into every aspect of my present  and future.  HE is shining HIS light in every dark corner of my mind.  So as hard as it is, (and for the meek human that I am, it is very hard) I'm going to hold tight to HIM; holding tight to HIS love knowing HE will never leave me.  My faith tells me that I am in HIS grip forever.  No uncertainty, no broken dreams, HE is with me in all of this.  I trust HIM and know that HE will gracefully lead me where I need to be.  We may live in this world for a short time, but I know that my real home is Heaven and my Charles, along with the angels, is awaiting my return.  Only this time, we won't ever have to worry about parting again, because it will be for eternity.

 

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When I lost my husband, I didn't only lose the ability to feel his arms around me, to share in life with my best friend, my purpose in life, someone to enjoy pleasing and cooking for, share meals with, etc. but it's as if my life was now a vacuum, everything demolished in his death.  I basically had to start from scratch but couldn't even do that until my brain could process his death, I couldn't wrap my head around how someone so vibrant, so full of life, could just be gone!  It took a good three years just to grasp that, process it.  My brain felt shaken, it couldn't compute, I later learned they have a name for that, grief fog.  It took a long time to come out of that...I don't feel I was ever the same employee again, my superwoman days were over.  I couldn't watch t.v. for a year, read a book for the fun of it, all the way through for ten years!  People don't realize how hard hitting this is!  I still don't sleep in our bed, I took to a recliner instead, the bed is too much of a reminder how empty it is on his side.
In time I realized he is with me, just in a different way.  I can't snuggle with him on the couch, but his very essence continues inside of me.  When I went for job interviews, I pulled his belief in me from within and relied on it.  When I lost a pet, I felt his lingering comfort hold me.  Everything we were to each other, the ways we affected one another, it's all still there, even as our love continues to exist.

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52 minutes ago, KayC said:

When I lost my husband, I didn't only lose the ability to feel his arms around me, to share in life with my best friend, my purpose in life, someone to enjoy pleasing and cooking for, share meals with, etc. but it's as if my life was now a vacuum, everything demolished in his death.  I basically had to start from scratch but couldn't even do that until my brain could process his death, I couldn't wrap my head around how someone so vibrant, so full of life, could just be gone!  It took a good three years just to grasp that, process it.  My brain felt shaken, it couldn't compute, I later learned they have a name for that, grief fog.  It took a long time to come out of that...I don't feel I was ever the same employee again, my superwoman days were over.  I couldn't watch t.v. for a year, read a book for the fun of it, all the way through for ten years!  People don't realize how hard hitting this is!  I still don't sleep in our bed, I took to a recliner instead, the bed is too much of a reminder how empty it is on his side.
In time I realized he is with me, just in a different way.  I can't snuggle with him on the couch, but his very essence continues inside of me.  When I went for job interviews, I pulled his belief in me from within and relied on it.  When I lost

a pet, I felt his lingering comfort hold me.  Everything we were to each other, the ways we affected one another, it's all still there, even as our love continues to exist.

I still feel that she is going to walk in the front door or call me on the phone. I was by her  side the entire 16 days, I know what led up to to the  decision of letting her go because there was no way she would ever be the person she was before she got sick and that's not what she wanted. I "know" she is gone in my head, its the"feeling" in my heart she is gone and not coming back that I am having trouble with. I am sorry for your loss....thank you for sharing your words.

 

 

 

 

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JDustin,  I still feel as you do. That my husband will  walk in the door or call me. Whenever I go in our garage, I expect to see him there working on some project. It has been a little over a year for me and I know I will always wish for him to come back. Reality hits every day and all we can do is just keep plugging away, day by day, on this lonely road. I am deeply sorry you are on this road with us. It does take awhile for our mind to grasp fully, the concept of how someone we cherished is no longer here. I don't know if the heart ever gets it. The heart wants, what it wants. We will carry our loss and the yearning in our hearts forever.

I am glad to hear you and your daughter are remaining in contact. You lost your wife, and she lost her mom. Staying together as a family and supporting each other will help you both. I attended a grief support group for awhile. One of the things I learned, is that we have to take on the responsibility of reaching out, keeping contact with family and friends. I know it doesn't seem fair, but sometimes, others really do not know what to say or do.

Your union with Janay sounds like mine with my husband. Focused on each other. Many others on here can attest to the same. It is so hard to take care of only ourselves now. But, we must, if we are to survive the toughest trial we will ever face. Janay is in your heart and she will walk alongside you, spiritually, until you meet again.

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It's common in the early months to still feel they'll call or walk in the door and then it hits you afresh that they're gone.  That reality keeps slapping us in the face and it's hard.  I feel it was easier when I fully realized he was gone because then I didn't keep getting these rude awakenings.  But then I had to figure out how to live with it.  Nothing easy about this.

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