my wife died

[bornaghost]

I dont know brought me here but I have decided to let it out..

I was together with my wife for nearly four years, we had just got married last year. She got diagnosed with ovarian cancer back in April. She underwent chemo and surgery and she ending up getting better... until they found brain tumors. The tumors had been there for a long time, and they were growing at very fast pace. The doctors said she needed them removed immediately so she decided to get them removed.    Upon surgery the doctors hit her memory cords close to where the tumors was located. The doctors said she probably wont have any memory permanently when she awakes.... She was in coma for about week after the surgery. She awoke...... and she had no idea where she was, who she was,  or who I was. She wouldnt even speak to me, only the doctors. I tried explaining to her what happend and showed her pictures of us and she just ripped them up and told me "I dont need no life, when I have no idea what happend my whole life". She was still dying, they were only able to remove a small percent of the tumor and there were more that needed to be removed but they couldnt do it because how weak she was. Her immune system was pretty much gone from all the chemotherapy.... A few days later she fell back in coma and had to be hooked up to a machine to live. Her parents decided to pull the plug and let her be at peace after three weeks of waiting, she was only 23 years old.  She was 90 pounds and bald when I held her for the last time.  It's been three months and I still live out each moment in my head. I've only gotten worse not better as time goes on. I've lost my job because of all the stress and pain.  I just dont how much more I can go on without her. It's not that I want to kill myself, I just want to be with her again.... Nothing matters to me anymore. Everyday is burden, and my mind is wasteland.  

 

[Loaded12345]

I understand how you can relive every moment in your head I lost my wife of almost 12 years three weeks ago. It was sudden my world changed in a matter of 5 hours I relive those hours everyday. I question every decision I made that day, every thing the doctors did, not that it would change anything. The biggest weight I held for weeks was I alone was there for the entire thing from when we left for the ER her in an ambulance me in our truck, until the doctor was explaining to me how there was no chance to save her as another was doing chest compressions. I was alone when I had to make a decision for them to stop. I wrote my story on a forum like this it truly felt like a weight had been lifted the burden of the experience was not mine alone anymore. I don't know the people who read it they all gave me words of encouragement as I am trying for you now. Just know I now carry some of your burden to lighten the load.  I guess I'm lucky in that I have to keep chugging along for my kid I have no choice. The pain from having your wife not remember who your are must be immense I can see why you feel the way you do. I feel the emptiness and loneliness as well it is hard to be at work but it's hard to be home. In February my wife and I decided to lose weight together I've lost 70 lbs since then. I have gotten back to the gym because my weight loss made her proud, I go to work because I can't imagine losing everything that we have worked so hard to get, I find strength in my memories of her and our life together, I find even more in helping our son to get through this time. We were a team, and now I feel like an army of one. I hope you can find strength in your memories of your wife, I hope you will make the connections in your life together to push on in this life now. 

[Eagle-96]

Wanted to tell you both how very sorry I am for your losses. I know they are just words but sometimes words are all we have to give. I lost my wife of 13 years to a heart attack at the age of 46. She held on for 7 hours but there was just too much heart damage. One minute we are the happiest people on Earth, the next minute we are the saddest. it is such an immense turnaround in the blink of an eye. I am glad you found us here as we will be here to provide advice when asked, provide a roadmap as best we can, or just to listen. There will be so many emotions swirling around(despair, sadness, fear, anger, regret, confusion). We can get them one at a time or all at once. I try to just ride out the wave and hold on until it passes. It can be a minute or seemingly all day sometimes. I find that if I try to suppress the emotions they end up finding me anyway. One other thing I want to say is that it is ok to show your emotions as men. Somehow society tells us that men are not supposed to cry. And surely not in public. We are supposed to push it down and suck it up. Well I'm here to tell you that is a load of crap. If people have a problem with men showing their emotions then it is THEIR problem. Don't EVER apologize for being emotional in public. It's high time we break some stereotypes with male grief. I wish you both peace and comfort as you navigate this terrible road.

[Cela]

@bornaghostI'm very sorry for the loss of your wife. At only 23, she was far too young. I feel similarly to what you posted in that I feel like the pain is intensifying with time versus getting better. So many people say give it time, give it time, but time feels like my enemy. It hurts more with time, so far, and each day that passes if another day farther from my love. I lost my husband, together for 6 years married 2.5 weeks, just over 2 months ago. I'm sorry to have to meet you here. 

 

[Azipod]

Bornaghost, I'm sorry for to hear about your loss.   It's difficult to lose someone.  It's even more difficult to endure the events that lead to their passing.  Those memories and moments can be really traumatic.  Even though my wife left this world in pretty much the most peaceful manner possible, I still have flashbacks of her last final days, when she was not feeling well --- I've concluded that this was her way of dying -- She was sick, but no one knew it was life threatening until just hours before she went.    I am sorry that you have to go through this terrible journey.   

It also caught my attention that you said the surgeons touched her memory cords.  I know this isn't the best time, but perhaps there is some malpractice to look into.  I don't know.  You need to protect yourself, and the future.

 

 

[KayC]

Bornaghost,

I am so sorry, I can't think of anything more horrible than what you have been through.  It's so unfair, all of it.  I can't imagine the immense pain you're going through.  I believe with all my heart we'll be together again and our memories intact, if not for that hope I don't know how I could handle all this.  I hope you will consider seeing a grief counselor, they're trained to help us through this maze.  I'm sorry about your job too, I wish they could have given you leave instead, this is very hard to navigate when we're at our most confused vulnerable state.  You have found yourself among people going through loss that understand the profound grief, it's like a caring family here, we're listening to you...

[KMB]

bornaghost, I am deeply sorry for your tragic loss and the manner it happened.The whole ordeal must seem like a most terrible nightmare to you.  One that you wish with all your heart you could wake up from. We all wish we could wake up from this nightmare of loss and go back in time again. As we all painfully know, we cannot. Life itself keeps moving forward and we get stuck in our own time warp.

I am relieved that you did find your way to this forum. It is a safe, non-judgemental place to read others posts and express your thoughts and feelings. You are not alone, even though there will be times that you will feel that you are. We all know the pain of losing our soul mate here. We know how horrible this new, unwelcome journey is. I am also sorry about your job loss. Your employer could have been more compassionate and understanding.  it is ironic how people can be joyous about life, but when dealing with death,  the topic is avoided. Others expect us to forget and move on. They don't understand, until it happens to them. We never get over the loss of our soul mate. We just learn to carry that loss with us, somehow, someway.

[KMB]

Loaded12345,  You are so fresh into your loss and I am deeply sorry. Reliving those last hours, moments, questioning every step, is part of the process. I did that for a long time myself. We all do. All of that does dissipate over time. Reality sinks in, we understand the logistics more readily. We also come to the knowing that we cannot undo what happened. We are not to blame. There is no need to feel guilt. Bad stuff happens that we have no control over.

It does help to come here, read others posts, express your own thoughts and feelings. It does relieve some of the burden and we are listening. We each respond and try to bring a small measure of comfort and a huge amount of understanding.

The legacy of you and your wife lives on in your child. She lives in your hearts. Hang onto to the love and memories, they will help see you through.

[KayC]

On 9/5/2017 at 8:04 PM, Loaded12345 said:

I understand how you can relive every moment in your head I lost my wife of almost 12 years three weeks ago. It was sudden my world changed in a matter of 5 hours I relive those hours everyday. I question every decision I made that day, every thing the doctors did, not that it would change anything. The biggest weight I held for weeks was I alone was there for the entire thing from when we left for the ER her in an ambulance me in our truck, until the doctor was explaining to me how there was no chance to save her as another was doing chest compressions. I was alone when I had to make a decision for them to stop. I wrote my story on a forum like this it truly felt like a weight had been lifted the burden of the experience was not mine alone anymore. I don't know the people who read it they all gave me words of encouragement as I am trying for you now. Just know I now carry some of your burden to lighten the load.  I guess I'm lucky in that I have to keep chugging along for my kid I have no choice. The pain from having your wife not remember who your are must be immense I can see why you feel the way you do. I feel the emptiness and loneliness as well it is hard to be at work but it's hard to be home. In February my wife and I decided to lose weight together I've lost 70 lbs since then. I have gotten back to the gym because my weight loss made her proud, I go to work because I can't imagine losing everything that we have worked so hard to get, I find strength in my memories of her and our life together, I find even more in helping our son to get through this time. We were a team, and now I feel like an army of one. I hope you can find strength in your memories of your wife, I hope you will make the connections in your life together to push on in this life now. 

I am very sorry for your loss.  You have a very positive attitude and it's sure to aid you in this journey.  I hope you will continue to come here and read and post, it helps to express ourselves where we know we'll be heard and understood.