We weren't close...Now I'm the one who hurts most of all

[babyhatton]

On April 2,2010...My senior year of high school...My spring break...On the way to a convention...I got a call..

  The call turned out to be my grandmother...Calling me to tell me that my father had died...All I could do was scream and my boyfriend pulled over and I just jumped out and began to sob...

My father and I never really got along, we were very different most of the time and I tended to avoid him and resent him for a lot of the things he had done in my life...But I always thought that once I was moved out and on my own, I would appreciate him more with time... That time was taken away from me!

We weren't close and I didn't tell him how much I admired him and loved him enough...Everyone thought I hated him...Even I thought that once he died that I wouldn't hurt as much as I am...

Now I cry more than anyone in my family about it, I break down with music or smells or just people in general...I can't figure out how to cope.

I've always been the "black sheep" and the moment I found out he died I knew it should have been me...He was so close with my mother and my brother...They didn't need me...

I feel so selfish and guilty and hurt....I say that I hurt so much more than others because we had gotten into a fight last winter and we never fully made up...My mom told me that when he was at the doctor (unrelated to his death) getting a spinal tap that he kept talking about me and how he was sorry...But I never got to hear it, I never got to make  peace...

My brother was next to him asleep while he died...And even though I KNOW he must hurt more than me, I can't help but feel that I'm suffering so much...Because the one thing I wanted,NEEDED my dad for  he can't be around to see...My graduation...That was the only thing in the world I wanted him to see.

What do I do now? What do I do when I can't make peace with him, prove to him that I cared...prove to him that I'm worth something?

I cry at least twice a day over it...More whenever his mother (my grandmother) tells me that he never cared and that when we left that day for  vacation that he didn't come and say bye to me... I'm going crazy...I even took the matress that he died on and moved it to my room...

I know that he cared, for my year book he had written a note that was published in the back...But I'm still hurting...There is so much that goes into this...Anger,Sadness,hurt,fear,loneliness...

I'm 18 and I haven't had time to calm down...What can I do?

[agnaq111809]

My deepest condolensces to you and yours. 

Losing family members is very difficult, especially in the first few months.  Your dad loves you.  And in the midst of all the turmoil you are feeling, you love him too.

Throughout this 'ordeal', everything from anger to ultimate 'hurtdom' including guilty emotions, they're all mixed together.  It's the miracle from God that we survive.  It's His Almighty Grace and Mercy that 'detangle' all the storms going through right now.  I request you the song 'Ride Our Your Storm'.  I find solace in John 14 where we are told to not be troubled.  Read John 3:16; Psalms 23; Psalms 91.  We are never alone. God is with us all the time. He cares for you very much.  The guardian angels surround you.  Even if you just said, "Thank-you God, Jesus, Holy Spirit", a great sense of peace and comfort will surround you. 

[rlolheiser]

There isn't a right or wrong answer for you.  I am so sorry for your loss, even if you feel you weren't close to your father, it doesn't change the fact that he is your father.  Many times people don't appreciate what we have until we have lost it.  You can choose to live your life in guilt which will do no good, or speak to him and tell him how you feel, tell him you love him.  I believe he can hear you, and if you believe in God, ask for guidance.  It is a hard road to go it alone, and you will have good days and bad days, give it time.  Grieving is hard, especially if you mix it with the guilt I hope you learn to put the guilt away, take care of yourself, and make the best life you can for yourself as even without words it is what our fathers want for us.

I pray you find your peace in this world.

[Kelly]

June 07, 2010

 

Dear Members,

 

We’re excited to inform you that we’re moving to a new and improved message board at the end of this week. It may seem a little bit sudden, but we recently learned that the company that designed our current board is no longer in existence. Our new message board will offer enhanced profile capabilities and chat rooms with up to 20 people at a time (and more if we need it). All of your old posts and private messages will be migrated to our new message board. You may need to re-post your profile picture. Our new message board will feature:

 

• Custom profile fields
  
• Profile page customization with optional background colors, images, and tiling options
  
• Facebook and Twitter integration
  
• Multiple post responses via “mini-quotes”
  
• Pinned discussion threads
  
• Targeted board announcements (for entire board or certain sections)
  
• Comprehensive search options enabling users to easily find all content created by a particular member (by clicking “Find Content” on the main profile page, or in the “Mini Profile” pop-up which can be accessed throughout the board) 
  
• Enhanced privacy options that allow users to sign in anonymously, be hidden from the online users list, disable personal conversations, and deny user-to-user emails

 

You can access the new message board by visiting www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com. Grieving.com is still 100% a part of Beyond Indigo; we just created a new Web address for Search Engine Optimization (SEO) purposes. We’ll do our best to redirect all existing URL’s to our new board, but if you have difficulty accessing them, just remember to visit www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We’ll of course try to make this transition as seamless as possible. 

 

Our new board will seamlessly enable us to grow our community and provide you with even more ways to interact with one other, and for that we’re very grateful. Please feel free to email feedback@beyondindigo.com with any questions, and thank you for being a part of the Beyond Indigo online community.

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President/CEO, Beyond Indigo

 

 

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com. 

Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family