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Can't wait to see him!


sunflowerlove

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sunflowerlove

My boyfriend passed away on August 19. I feel so sad and lonely because we would spend so much time together and talk about life. I wrote this letter to myself out of sadness and wanted to share with everyone.

Suddenly, my looks don't matter. I realized the reason I wanted to get rid of my acne marks, have nicer hair, a bigger butt, a nice brighter smile, short nails and look pretty was because I wanted to look good for him. I started class on Monday two weeks ago, two days after his death was my first day of class. If he knew that I enjoyed class he would be so proud of me. He knew how much I hated school. I'm writing this letter in class. Today, I noticed I had plenty of time to do chores. For some reason time felt like it was going by really slow. I wasn't in a rush to do my chores because I no longer had anyone waiting for me. Time seemed to be going by fast whenever I was with him. I miss him with all my heart. I think of him and tears start to come out of my eyes. I try to think positive but I feel like my feelings are very bi-polar. One day I'll say I miss him and want him back. Another day I'll call him a liar and tell him I don't want to see him again. My boyfriend lied to me a lot but for some reason I've always ran back into his arms. We had so much planed for the future so every time I say a sentence its like, "oh Scott and I made plans for this". Reality hits me hard because he is no longer alive. Anything I speak of brings me memories of him. Before his passing I wasn't able to see him for three days. He kept texting me he missed me and that he wanted to see me. Sadly, I had to go to work and couldn't be with him. I was re-reading through our text messages and he said to me " I don't think I can wait more than 24 hours without seeing you". I didn't think he was going to die and it was true, he died the following day. Til this day I still can't believe is gone. Its been two weeks and a half and I wish someone would come up to me or call me to tell me he came back to life as a miracle.  I want to see my caller id that reads his name and last name. I want to hear his voice calling me, " baby", as he is giving me an excuse.  Like everyone else in this forum has said, I don't know if I'll ever find love again. I know this may sound really sad but I want to die single until I meet him again. All I think about is his beautiful eyes that sparkled every time I saw him. Our memories of the past seem like a wonderful dream I NEVER want to wake up from. I was always a happy, strong person and now I feel so sad, lonely and bitter. The few friends that I have keep telling me I will get better as time goes by. But god I wish time would hurry up so this pain can go away. Thanks for reading my letter!

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@sunflowerloveI am sorry to meet you here and read about your pain. Losing a partner is a pain none of us could have imagined prior to it happening to us.  I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your letter.  Often, I feel like I am merely existing on this earth waiting to die to be able to meet my love once again.  I miss every fiber of his being immensely.  Like you, I often write my love letters. I have filled a notebook with memories and even sketches of his face. Keep writing if you find it therapeutic. 

Reading here has helped me feel not so alone and has helped me not feel insane with some of my thoughts and feelings. I hope you are able to find some help here as well. Share as much or as little as you would like. 

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sunflowerlove,

I am sorry for your loss...you didn't tell us what happened, if you want to talk about it, we're here.

It helps to express yourself, so journaling is good.  It sounds like your relationship was not perfect but you loved him all the same.  People tell you it will get better, what they don't tell you is that we never forget, it's lurking beneath the surface.  Yes we can adjust to our new life, but it takes much time to process this, it's hard.  And our life is not the same again, WE are not the same again, this death affects us, we don't take life for granted again.  We know that at any moment something can change everything in the blink of an eye.  We can smile again, but we carry that grief around inside us no matter what we're doing, it's still there.  They're on our minds...

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sunflowerlove

@Cela Hey there! It really does suck that we're meeting this way! I will read your post soon, I wanted to ask dumb questions like "how did your love one die". I'm on break about to head back to work.  I will read more post soon. I googled how to deal with a passed boyfriend and it brought me here. Immediately, I wrote a post because I wanted other to know how I feel. I'm happy to hear that I'm not going crazy because my feelings are so uncontrollable lately. All of this is just too devastating! Thanks for your encouraging words!!

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sunflowerlove

@KayC His name was Scott, he was 31 years old. We started dating in May of this year 2017. We met at work last November 2016 and I never really noticed him until he approached me. He started talking about chemistry and how him and I had good chemistry. At the time I was not interested in him, so I called him crazy. I told him off several times but he was just so clingy! He was a good guy and like most of us he had a bad side. A bad side of lies, in which he liked getting high, never listen to anyone and liked taking what wasn't his. He had mention to me about his addiction but I was there by his side ready to help him.  I got mad at him on July 22  because he didn't come with me to this cook out I had been asking him to attend. My anger wasn't because he didn't come with me. I got angry at him because he didn't have the nerve to tell he wasn't going to come until that day minutes before from me picking him up. Later on I found out he had been getting high none stop. He was shooting heroin up his leg fro five days in a row. We had been in contact all those days although he was being distant. At the time I assumed he was doing well. I thought he was working his jobs and staying drug free. Thankfully, I had a weird feeling and contacted him on  the fifth day! He was a mess when I got to him. I begged him to go to the hospital but he didn't want too. Two days later he checked himself in the hospital because he would not stop throwing up and getting the chills. He had been in the hospital for almost three weeks from a bacterial infection. He died from a blood clot that went straight to his heart. I texted him that day at 11:40 PM asking him if he was going to sleep soon. Later I found out he asked for help around 11:45 PM because he couldn't breathe. He was going to be discharge 2-3 days after his death. Its just too sad and I feel like he slipped away from my hands. He was a heroin addict and was struggling with it.  Our relationship was not the best but for some reason I cared about him. Everyone around me kept telling me he was no good for me. God knows why but I couldn't stay away from him. I know I'll be alright, but its just so so so surreal.

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I am so sorry for your loss Sunflower. Drug addiction is a monster that destroys without regard to race, color, sex, or religion. I am so sorry that he struggled with it. Keep writing as it is, indeed, therapeutic and can help to heal your heart. As KayC said. It doesn't ever leave us. We just learn to adjust to the grief and to live in a new way. I truly know that that grief monster is always around. Lurking around a corner I don't expect it be. When it finds me I just take my beating and pick myself up off of the floor and try to live the best life I can. I pray for your peace and comfort.

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21 hours ago, KayC said:

And our life is not the same again, WE are not the same again, this death affects us, we don't take life for granted again.  We know that at any moment something can change everything in the blink of an eye.  We can smile again, but we carry that grief around inside us no matter what we're doing, it's still there.  They're on our minds...

So very very true. I now understand that life can change in an instant when we least expect it. It certainly did for me. I guess it helps us to appreciate the little things more. To live in the moment and cherish the memories as we are making them instead of being in such a hurry to move on to the next thing. 

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Sean, I know for me that I do live in the moment now.  Before I just thought everything would continue the way it was.  I have grief but I also have deep appreciation for even the little things.
 

sunflowerlove, it sounds like you have been through a lot in the few months you were together, he definitely got through to your heart.  I'm sorry it was cut so short. :(

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sunflowerlove

@Eagle-96 Thanks you for the encouragement! At this point my mind is full of confusion. I try to think positive but its hard. I keep thinking of what could of been and if I had been there with him would things turn out different? I try to think about my future , I think how can I continue? Although he was my boyfriend for a short period of time, I say to myself, "how will i ever explain this to my kids and future husband". I rather stay single and be loyal to him because he would of done the same. Maybe I'm overthinking things right now. Everything still, seems very unbelievable. I want to think he went away for a long vacation but its not the same because he would text me all the time.  I'm standing strong but the sadness is so unbearable sometimes!

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13 hours ago, sunflowerlove said:

@Eagle-96 Thanks you for the encouragement! At this point my mind is full of confusion. I try to think positive but its hard. I keep thinking of what could of been and if I had been there with him would things turn out different? I try to think about my future , I think how can I continue? Although he was my boyfriend for a short period of time, I say to myself, "how will i ever explain this to my kids and future husband". I rather stay single and be loyal to him because he would of done the same. Maybe I'm overthinking things right now. Everything still, seems very unbelievable. I want to think he went away for a long vacation but its not the same because he would text me all the time.  I'm standing strong but the sadness is so unbearable sometimes!

We'll always have the what ifs and the coulda' beens. I struggle with thinking of the life Lori and I should have had as opposed to where I am now. We can never go back to the "oh no" moment and change it. As hard as I try to come up with an alternative scenario where my CPR was better or we went to a different doctor the night before she had her heart attack I can't seem to make it come true. Most of us here have regret and 2nd guessing. It's a hard pill to swallow but we eat that pill every day no matter how bitter it tastes. I feel that Lori wouldn't want me to give up just yet so I'll keep fighting.

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9 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Most of us here have regret and 2nd guessing. It's a hard pill to swallow but we eat that pill every day no matter how bitter it tastes. I feel that Lori wouldn't want me to give up just yet so I'll keep fighting.

How you peoples are so strong, how? Why its so hard for me, i cant see hospital and death scene on television anymore, it makes me cry. I cant listen romantic songs or sad songs, everything makes me cry, why i am so weak. 

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

How you peoples are so strong, how? Why its so hard for me, i cant see hospital and death scene on television anymore, it makes me cry. I cant listen romantic songs or sad songs, everything makes me cry, why i am so weak. 

We're not as strong as you think and you're not as weak as you think. I don't want you to ever think you're weak or not enough. All we can do is try to be the best version of ourselves that we can be even in the face of our unimaginable circumstances. Sometimes that means that we try as hard as we can to be the person our soulmate fell in love with. Sometimes that means just mustering the energy to clean the kitchen. Sometimes it's just getting out of bed. It's not easy to do and it certainly isn't fun. Lori made me a better man and I feel like I owe it to her to try to carry on as best I can.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

How you peoples are so strong, how? Why its so hard for me, i cant see hospital and death scene on television anymore, it makes me cry. I cant listen romantic songs or sad songs, everything makes me cry, why i am so weak. 

We aren't strong, we're no different than you.  You are very new at this, plus realize we all have different timetables.  If you get up everyday, breathe, manage to eat something and drink some water, pay your bills, go to work, you're doing well...even if you spend the rest of your time crying.  This is a long journey so try to be patient with yourself, it takes what it takes.  You'll get through this, the same way we are, one day at a time.  And remember, it won't always be in this intensity and you will get better at coping/adjusting.  Sean's answer is good...just keep on keeping on.

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sunflowerlove

@Eagle-96 I know its not healthy to think about the if's and what's but its hard not thinking about it! Yes, never give up! Our loved wants want to be with us but they will be patient until the time comes for us to be with them. Gosh, I hope all of that "you'll be together one day" is real because if its not than I don't know anymore.

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10 minutes ago, sunflowerlove said:

@Eagle-96 I know its not healthy to think about the if's and what's but its hard not thinking about it! Yes, never give up! Our loved wants want to be with us but they will be patient until the time comes for us to be with them. Gosh, I hope all of that "you'll be together one day" is real because if its not than I don't know anymore.

It is among the hardest things I face every day. The last few minutes before the ambulance got to the house play in my mind like a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. The what ifs and the 2nd guessing are difficult to overcome sometimes. Your brain tells you that things turned out the way they were meant to but your heart won't listen. Your heart begs for a different outcome. But make no mistake that you, we, us, everybody did EVERYTHING we could with the information we had at the time. Whether it was CPR, trusting a medical diagnosis, leaving a hospital to get some rest only to find out they passed while we were gone, thinking we missed a sign somehow. Whatever the circumstance we all face. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT. 

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sunflowerlove

@Eagle-96 I can relate to you because when my Scott passed away which was on a Saturday at 10:45 PM. I texted him at exactly 10:45 PM asking him if he was going to sleep soon. I had no idea he was fighting for his life! I was at work and I could of visited him that day but I assumed I was going to see him on Monday. If only I had texted him before his death would him and I had closure? Or would it have been a good bye? If I would of texted him "Be strong baby, you'll be okay", since someone told me words matter would they have mattered and changed anything? You have no idea how much I wish one of those times machine things excised in real life.

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12 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

It is among the hardest things I face every day. The last few minutes before the ambulance got to the house play in my mind like a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. The what ifs and the 2nd guessing are difficult to overcome sometimes. Your brain tells you that things turned out the way they were meant to but your heart won't listen. Your heart begs for a different outcome. But make no mistake that you, we, us, everybody did EVERYTHING we could with the information we had at the time. Whether it was CPR, trusting a medical diagnosis, leaving a hospital to get some rest only to find out they passed while we were gone, thinking we missed a sign somehow. Whatever the circumstance we all face. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT. 

I wish I could have words describe my feelings like you did here. Yes, this is true, my heart not listening my mind, my heart want different outcome. I was just reading his last messages and it makes me feel sad again that how alone I am now, how he used to take care of me, every small things I was taking for guaranteed , because I never thought that things will never same again very soon. I wish I could die same day, but it was not in my hand.

I am crying while writing all these , Goli I miss you every single moment, hope you reading all this, things I never told you. You were, you are and you will be my life forever, without you I am existing only, no matter wherever I go in life,  you will be in my heart, and if there is any next birth I want you in every birth but please tell God, in next birth  please give us some time to spend our life together.

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