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TooDevastated

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On 10/12/2017 at 6:31 AM, Dingdong said:

Hello all, I am new here and trying to find my place anywhere in the planet. I lost my son to suicide last January 11. Aug 3 should have been his 16th bday, but being it a Thursday, we want to celebrate it Saturday Aug 5, but on the night of Aug 4 , my husband had a heart attack and passed away. So, now it’s just me and my daughter and she is mad at me. Maybe because I didn’t take my husband to the hospital, but I asked him , he said “No, just let me rest” but went to cardiac arrest holding my hands. What do I do now? I’m about to lose my mobile home because I cannot afford to live there anymore. I am presently staying with my sister because I can’t even drive the tragedies seems to destabilize me. The good Lord is still blessed me though, because Ia still on paid leave until Feb 2018. The emotional stress is too much. I don’t know who to cry for sometimes, I am not done grieving with the loss of my son and now my husband who was always there  everytime I cries every night was take too. Tell me people why is life seems so unfair to me ?

Dingdong,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's not uncommon to second guess our actions prior to their death, almost as if we're trying to come up with a different outcome.  Guilt feelings are common in grief.  But the truth is, he made the decision not to go to the hospital, if he didn't know how dire his situation was, how could you expect to know?  You only know what he conveyed to you.  My husband also died of a heart attack, and he didn't even let me know when he went to the hospital (I was away for the weekend).  I didn't get to the hospital until just before he died, I could have had all weekend with him if only he'd let on.  They made their decisions with the knowledge they had at the time, none of us knew it would end up like it did. 

I'm sorry you lost your son too, that is really hard.  I'm sorry your daughter is mad at you.  Sometimes people lash out at the ones they are most comfortable with, they don't know how to handle their grief.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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