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TooDevastated

Two Months...

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On 20.09.2017 at 8:28 PM, Azipod said:

We are waking up to a nightmare each morning.  Wait, we live a nightmare day in and day out.

I'm in my 10th week.  I just started crying when I crawl into bed at night.   It feels so terrible to go to bed and not be there with your partner.   When I look over to the other side of my bed, I can still see and feel how it was like before when she was here.  But now she is not.   The sadness consumes me and I cannot understand why I have to go through this, everyday.

I miss her terribly.

I heard once that in dream state time feels a lot longer. I wish this was a long terrible dream and I'd wake up one day!

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On 20.09.2017 at 8:25 PM, Azipod said:

Yes, I hate that feeling so much.   Lately, there's been so many world events. There's been so many developments around our lifestyle.  There's been so many new things I see each day.     I so wished that I could tell my wife and share with her these experiences.   I want to experience them together, with her.   But the reality is that I can't do that.  The reality is so so sad.

Thinking about these miserable feelings sometimes makes me want to throw up.  My gut hates it.

I want to ask him what he thinks about the latest response from N. Korea or Trump or hurricanes and then I realise we cant even talk about the bloody news now! He followed the news so smartly, reading different newpapers and comments from different countries so all I had to do was ask him whats going on. I never needed to do the hard work of figuring out whats going on. It's basically everything that I miss about him!  not just a few things..

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On 20.09.2017 at 8:59 PM, KMB said:

I was just reading your above post you just sent while I was writing this. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be with your wife. We all want to be with our soul mates. But, we can't. Not until it is our turn. The pain does get deeper as time goes on. I think that is due to the reality seeping in.  I felt the same way in those early times. My roughest point was around the 6 month mark. The shock had faded away. Denial was fading and the stark reality that my husband was indeed physically gone and not coming back was hard hitting. Grieving is a very long, painful process that can take years to evolve from.  My heart goes out to you. Keep expressing yourself here. We all care about each other.

I wish we could know for how long we must carry this pain in our chests. I'm pretty sure cant do this for 50 years!

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23 hours ago, Azipod said:

These questions really hit home for me.   I've grieved a lot.  But I've only touched the surface on thinking about what was going on in my wife's head as things were coming to an end.  It's scary and sad for me to think about how she may have been experiencing.  Those are actually thoughts that I'm not ready to visit.  Presently, I pretty much tell myself that she's not here and I don't have to worry about what she may have went through in her mind...... but the truth is that I'm really just running away from the thoughts.   One day, I'll be able to process those thoughts and see what I get from it.    This entire ordeal is just too much.   I am so sad and I am begging for something to take my life.

They are so painful to think about but I cant help asking them! I had a terrible stomach pain last week and I was begging god to just take me and not let me stay in this misery any longer. Then the disturbing part of my mind started asking... if I'm hurting so bad and surviving it, how bad he must have been hurt to die? What kind of pain he had to endure until he was gone? It's all too much to think about I know. 

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12 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Actually I got phone call one of my friend one day and she said everyone wants to talk to you but we all don't have any idea what to say, Goli was the ideal person and we all are feeling so sorry for him. After that she never called nor other friends, neither did I because I am not that situation to call anyone, even I do not pick call when someone call me. Sometime I want people near me but at the same time I don't want any, I just want my husband nothing else.

Today, again Friday, one more long weekend without him. Weekend scared me now because I have no idea how I will survive my days. 

I'm so sorry you have to go through weekends alone and on top of all this, you'll have to worry about a wedding coming up!

A friend of mines has asked me if I'd like to go and help her pick her wedding dress yesterday. That made me feel terrible for all the things I will never have. Dont get me wrong. I'm glad that she is happy and all... It was just another reminder of the things I'll never get to have. Him down the aisle smiling at me as I walk closer.... Long gone dreams..

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On 21.09.2017 at 5:07 PM, KayC said:

I feel for all of you still in those early stages where you wake up to get hit with all of this rude awakening all over again.  For me I have long since quit expecting him to be here.  I know he's not going to call, I know he's not walking through that door, I know I'm sleeping alone.  What is worse, the rude awakenings, being repeated shocked, or actually adjusting to this change...having adjusted is easier on us in one sense, but incomprehensible in another sense.

It's so hard to be in our shoes Kay. But I honestly cannot imagine what it must be like for you! Quitting to expect him to be there, knowing you wont get a call from him, actually having accepted all the nasty sides of this loss.... It sounds just as painful. 

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KMB   
41 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

wish we could know for how long we must carry this pain in our chests. I'm pretty sure cant do this for 50 years!

Grieving has no rules or time frame. We learn to carry the sadness with us, the rest of our life. It helps NOT to think about down the road and how are we going to feel. Don't think about 50 years or your own longevity. We don't know anything beyond today. That is why the best advice is to take one day at a time. We don't know about tomorrow and there is no point in worrying about what we cannot know. All we need to do, is today.

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LoveGoli   
8 hours ago, Azipod said:

Fridays are the worst day in many ways.  It's the start of another weekend, where we are not able to spend time together.  It's another weekend, to go into long moments of darkness coupled with sadness.   Friday also marks the end of another week, without our partner.    With that, it reminds me how purposeless my life is with this never ending repeating cycle.

Yes weekend are so bad now, full of loneliness. All are going for wedding and i am at home, what could be my life, and now this is totally opposite. I don't know why my all happiness taken away from me, I can't stop myself to think Why. 

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LoveGoli   
6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I wish we could know for how long we must carry this pain in our chests. I'm pretty sure cant do this for 50 years!

I wish i know how long so that I can count my days but now i dont know how long. I can't do this even few months this is too much for me.

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KayC   
17 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I wish we could know for how long we must carry this pain in our chests. I'm pretty sure cant do this for 50 years!

You can't do this for 50 years as it is right now, but it will change.  I know there's no way for you to see that right now, but it does.  The day he died, the early years and beyond, and now, they are very different, my anxiety was extremely high then, and now it may hit now and then but nothing like it was then.  Plus I was in shock, I had so much adjusting to do, I'm used to living alone now.  It may get old and I get lonely at times, but it's not the panic it was in the beginning.  I used to dread nights and weekends because that had been our time and now every day is pretty much the same, I don't fear weekends anymore, but neither do I look forward to them as I did when he was alive.  

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On 23.09.2017 at 3:35 PM, KayC said:

You can't do this for 50 years as it is right now, but it will change.  I know there's no way for you to see that right now, but it does.  The day he died, the early years and beyond, and now, they are very different, my anxiety was extremely high then, and now it may hit now and then but nothing like it was then.  Plus I was in shock, I had so much adjusting to do, I'm used to living alone now.  It may get old and I get lonely at times, but it's not the panic it was in the beginning.  I used to dread nights and weekends because that had been our time and now every day is pretty much the same, I don't fear weekends anymore, but neither do I look forward to them as I did when he was alive.  

What if it doesnt change? What if I stay like this? The fact that the love of my life has died will not change and will struck my head and crush my heart everyday. 

I feel like a computer that has gone on to an error loop. My brain is stuck at 'Bruce died of an heart attack'. I can't process it and I can't think about anything else. ALL day EVERYDAY, my head repeats that sentence without being able to comprehend it.  

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KayC   
20 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

What if it doesnt change? What if I stay like this? The fact that the love of my life has died will not change

I thought the exact same thoughts when I was new in my grief.  Give yourself time to process your grief, it takes longer than a few months, it takes years, but yes, you will adjust little by little, so minutely as to seem imperceptible at first and then one day when you look back you will see it.
Yes you will continue to miss him, but it will not carry the same intensity of pain that it now does.  I know it's hard to fathom, but amazingly enough, we adjust to even the unthinkable.  

You are still processing...

You are where you can expect to be at this point in time.

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KMB   

TooDevastated,  We have all been there, are there. Be patient with yourself. Our grieving is a process that can take a very long time to adapt to. The intensity, our thoughts, our emotions, do change over time. If our bodies and minds were not equipped to handle grief, we would have not lasted as long as we have. The grieving does change little by little, over much time, due to our patience and our efforts at the work that grieving requires. You are still fresh in this, and like Kay said, you are where you can expect to be.  (HUGS)

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Azipod   
On 9/24/2017 at 2:25 PM, TooDevastated said:

What if it doesnt change? What if I stay like this? The fact that the love of my life has died will not change and will struck my head and crush my heart everyday. 

I feel like a computer that has gone on to an error loop. My brain is stuck at 'Bruce died of an heart attack'. I can't process it and I can't think about anything else. ALL day EVERYDAY, my head repeats that sentence without being able to comprehend it.  

I've heard another describe the grief process using the computer error loop analogy before too.

They say that the human BODY is meant for bonding.  When we lose our loved ones, that physical bonding is severed.   As a result, we then feel sad, lonely, empty, etc.

The BRAIN is wired for what we train it to do.  When the Brain sees that we are with each person everyday, where we eat together, sleep together, talk together, and basically do everything together, then the brain expect us to do just that.   When we lose someone, and our relationship is severed, the Brain gets confused and it does not know what is going on.  So what the brain does is like what a computer does ... when there is a fatal error, it's just going to go ahead and reboot itself, expect what it is wired to expect, then it fails, and then it reboots itself and the whole process repeats itself.   That is why we keep getting flashbacks and we re-visit our trauma.  

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LoveGoli   
15 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I've heard another describe the grief process using the computer error loop analogy before too.

They say that the human BODY is meant for bonding.  When we lose our loved ones, that physical bonding is severed.   As a result, we then feel sad, lonely, empty, etc.

The BRAIN is wired for what we train it to do.  When the Brain sees that we are with each person everyday, where we eat together, sleep together, talk together, and basically do everything together, then the brain expect us to do just that.   When we lose someone, and our relationship is severed, the Brain gets confused and it does not know what is going on.  So what the brain does is like what a computer does ... when there is a fatal error, it's just going to go ahead and reboot itself, expect what it is wired to expect, then it fails, and then it reboots itself and the whole process repeats itself.   That is why we keep getting flashbacks and we re-visit our trauma.  

Good explanation to understand human mind. 

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M88   
On 24/09/2017 at 0:35 AM, KayC said:

I used to dread nights and weekends because that had been our time and now every day is pretty much the same, I don't fear weekends anymore, but neither do I look forward to them as I did when he was alive.  

This is where I'm at now.  I too would not have believed I would ever get used to living without my hubby, let alone get used to living by myself.  We are so distraught in the early months and adjustment occurs so gradually that don't realise it's happening. 

I now 'need' time alone in which to continue the grieving process, but I love having various friends come stay for a night or two, every two or three weeks.  And I still spend a couple of hours on the ph each day.  

A yearning to do some of the things  'we' used to enjoy, has also gradually awakened in me.  Grief attacks and meltdowns still occur without notice,  but not as often.  The 'tummy flipping over' sensation when I see or hear something that reminds me of him, or his death, still occurs often.  

Azipod - that is a very good explanation! 

 

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KayC   
9 hours ago, Azipod said:

I've heard another describe the grief process using the computer error loop analogy before too.

They say that the human BODY is meant for bonding.  When we lose our loved ones, that physical bonding is severed.   As a result, we then feel sad, lonely, empty, etc.

The BRAIN is wired for what we train it to do.  When the Brain sees that we are with each person everyday, where we eat together, sleep together, talk together, and basically do everything together, then the brain expect us to do just that.   When we lose someone, and our relationship is severed, the Brain gets confused and it does not know what is going on.  So what the brain does is like what a computer does ... when there is a fatal error, it's just going to go ahead and reboot itself, expect what it is wired to expect, then it fails, and then it reboots itself and the whole process repeats itself.   That is why we keep getting flashbacks and we re-visit our trauma.  

I haven't heard it explained like this before.  Makes sense!

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I heard the computer mentioned before where a woman was talking about grieving.

When you are grieving there is a programme(like a computer programme) running in the background continuously,24 hrs/day.When somebody asks you : 'How are you feeling today' your answer could be very likely be that you burst out into tears.The person asking will apologise profusely,because they have made you sad and cry again.They have not made you sad,you are sad all day long;the computer programme is running all day long but it is not necessarily very visible.

Friends/relatives should not say sorry that they made you cry/sad.They did not make you cry.You are crying because you lost your loved one.And talking about that is good.You can never talk about it too much and crying also does not do any harm.

 

 

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On 26.09.2017 at 6:44 AM, Azipod said:

I've heard another describe the grief process using the computer error loop analogy before too.

They say that the human BODY is meant for bonding.  When we lose our loved ones, that physical bonding is severed.   As a result, we then feel sad, lonely, empty, etc.

The BRAIN is wired for what we train it to do.  When the Brain sees that we are with each person everyday, where we eat together, sleep together, talk together, and basically do everything together, then the brain expect us to do just that.   When we lose someone, and our relationship is severed, the Brain gets confused and it does not know what is going on.  So what the brain does is like what a computer does ... when there is a fatal error, it's just going to go ahead and reboot itself, expect what it is wired to expect, then it fails, and then it reboots itself and the whole process repeats itself.   That is why we keep getting flashbacks and we re-visit our trauma.  

Yes. But it is a lot more than this. What would you do if you travelled past and you were trying to get the attention of your past self in a subtle way or of someone that you know in the past? ( I am a sci fi geek so I do spend a lot of time dwelling on these stuff). Of all the scenarios I saw in films, I always thought I would throw a rock from far ahead when noone is looking. Pain always gets someones attention. 

What has happened... my boyfriend suddenly dying... It feels like its a signal from someone. Like a message from the universe to get my attention. Anything less wouldnt have put me on this 'error loop'. Now I feel like there is a crucial message that I have to interpret quickly and I have no idea because my mind cant function properly at the moment. I dont know if any of this makes any sense to anyone. 

Whats more...I am in an existential crisis and my former way of living and life purposes are no longer valid. 

I never thought grief could cause all of these... How lucky I was to never have suffered the loss of something loved dearly.

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LoveGoli   
8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Whats more...I am in an existential crisis and my former way of living and life purposes are no longer valid. 

I never thought grief could cause all of these... How lucky I was to never have suffered the loss of something loved dearly.

I lost my father when I was 10 but that time I was so young so that was totally different after that I lost my grandfather and it was painful but damn this pain is totally out of the world. There is no comparison between other loses and loosing your partner. When you loose other people your partner always there to support you and now we lost our biggest support. He was  like oxygen for me and if I can't see him even for 15 min in home I just start looking for him but now I find myself walking dead body.

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SRB   

I lost my fiance suddenly on September 1st...not sure why yet but natural causes.   He was my person and I worked so hard and through so much in order to find him. I feel what you are feeling. Im annihilated...I do not feel like I have the capacity to get through this. The future just blew up...im 42...not young...not old.  I have so little energy to hope I can reshape my life in a way were Ill have room for joy amongst all this pain...I also have very little desire to.  I look for him everywhere trying to find a physical sense of him...his essence...something.  I had no idea this pain existed and I had no idea a human could cry so much.  The adrenalin is wearing off and im so tired...so so tired but I dont sleep well and eating is a chore.  Water is an afterthought.  I ask for him to come get me and I cant  take my life or I wont see him again.  I went back to work this week and got sent home to rest...but i cant.  I dont know what to say...just that I think I understand your pain.  Your person is gone and it is intolerable...

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KayC   

SRB,

I hope you're under the care of a doctor for your lack of sleep.  I made the mistake of turning down the sleep aid my doctor offered because I felt this was a permanent solution and I just needed to learn to live with it.  Yes and no.  I would have done myself a great service had I gotten the needed sleep to be able to function better, I did, after all, have to work in order to pay the bills.  I made it harder on myself by rejecting his help.

I realize you can't possibly see down the road when the intensity of the pain lessens, but it does.  I can't say when it will be as it's different for all of us, many factors being involved, our own personality, coping skills, how deep the relationship/love, our support system, how much grief work we do (grief counseling, grief support group, books on grief, articles on grief, journaling, art therapy, forums, etc.).  We need ample time to process our grief,none of this is quick or easy.  This is the hardest journey I've ever been on.  It is also exhausting.

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KMB   

SRB. My heart goes out to you. Losing our partner is the toughest, most painful event we will probably experience for the rest of our life. During the early weeks, months, we are inconsolable. We can barely function with the most mundane of daily life. Taking showers, eating, drinking water, paying bills. Everything requires a huge effort and is very draining. We get overwhelmed and exhausted with just doing one simple little thing. Even thinking in itself is exhausting. Sleeping----- some people can sleep for hours, a whole day. Then, there are the rest of us where sleep cannot be had. Reach out for help to any resources available to you. See your doctor for a sleep aid or anxiety meds if you need to. Reach out to family and friends when you need someone to talk to. Let them know what you need, even if someone could come to you and just sit with you for awhile. Grieving is such a hard process to go through and even harder to process without support of others.

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