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TooDevastated

Two Months...

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On 20.09.2017 at 8:28 PM, Azipod said:

We are waking up to a nightmare each morning.  Wait, we live a nightmare day in and day out.

I'm in my 10th week.  I just started crying when I crawl into bed at night.   It feels so terrible to go to bed and not be there with your partner.   When I look over to the other side of my bed, I can still see and feel how it was like before when she was here.  But now she is not.   The sadness consumes me and I cannot understand why I have to go through this, everyday.

I miss her terribly.

I heard once that in dream state time feels a lot longer. I wish this was a long terrible dream and I'd wake up one day!

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On 20.09.2017 at 8:25 PM, Azipod said:

Yes, I hate that feeling so much.   Lately, there's been so many world events. There's been so many developments around our lifestyle.  There's been so many new things I see each day.     I so wished that I could tell my wife and share with her these experiences.   I want to experience them together, with her.   But the reality is that I can't do that.  The reality is so so sad.

Thinking about these miserable feelings sometimes makes me want to throw up.  My gut hates it.

I want to ask him what he thinks about the latest response from N. Korea or Trump or hurricanes and then I realise we cant even talk about the bloody news now! He followed the news so smartly, reading different newpapers and comments from different countries so all I had to do was ask him whats going on. I never needed to do the hard work of figuring out whats going on. It's basically everything that I miss about him!  not just a few things..

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On 20.09.2017 at 8:59 PM, KMB said:

I was just reading your above post you just sent while I was writing this. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be with your wife. We all want to be with our soul mates. But, we can't. Not until it is our turn. The pain does get deeper as time goes on. I think that is due to the reality seeping in.  I felt the same way in those early times. My roughest point was around the 6 month mark. The shock had faded away. Denial was fading and the stark reality that my husband was indeed physically gone and not coming back was hard hitting. Grieving is a very long, painful process that can take years to evolve from.  My heart goes out to you. Keep expressing yourself here. We all care about each other.

I wish we could know for how long we must carry this pain in our chests. I'm pretty sure cant do this for 50 years!

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23 hours ago, Azipod said:

These questions really hit home for me.   I've grieved a lot.  But I've only touched the surface on thinking about what was going on in my wife's head as things were coming to an end.  It's scary and sad for me to think about how she may have been experiencing.  Those are actually thoughts that I'm not ready to visit.  Presently, I pretty much tell myself that she's not here and I don't have to worry about what she may have went through in her mind...... but the truth is that I'm really just running away from the thoughts.   One day, I'll be able to process those thoughts and see what I get from it.    This entire ordeal is just too much.   I am so sad and I am begging for something to take my life.

They are so painful to think about but I cant help asking them! I had a terrible stomach pain last week and I was begging god to just take me and not let me stay in this misery any longer. Then the disturbing part of my mind started asking... if I'm hurting so bad and surviving it, how bad he must have been hurt to die? What kind of pain he had to endure until he was gone? It's all too much to think about I know. 

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12 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Actually I got phone call one of my friend one day and she said everyone wants to talk to you but we all don't have any idea what to say, Goli was the ideal person and we all are feeling so sorry for him. After that she never called nor other friends, neither did I because I am not that situation to call anyone, even I do not pick call when someone call me. Sometime I want people near me but at the same time I don't want any, I just want my husband nothing else.

Today, again Friday, one more long weekend without him. Weekend scared me now because I have no idea how I will survive my days. 

I'm so sorry you have to go through weekends alone and on top of all this, you'll have to worry about a wedding coming up!

A friend of mines has asked me if I'd like to go and help her pick her wedding dress yesterday. That made me feel terrible for all the things I will never have. Dont get me wrong. I'm glad that she is happy and all... It was just another reminder of the things I'll never get to have. Him down the aisle smiling at me as I walk closer.... Long gone dreams..

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On 21.09.2017 at 5:07 PM, KayC said:

I feel for all of you still in those early stages where you wake up to get hit with all of this rude awakening all over again.  For me I have long since quit expecting him to be here.  I know he's not going to call, I know he's not walking through that door, I know I'm sleeping alone.  What is worse, the rude awakenings, being repeated shocked, or actually adjusting to this change...having adjusted is easier on us in one sense, but incomprehensible in another sense.

It's so hard to be in our shoes Kay. But I honestly cannot imagine what it must be like for you! Quitting to expect him to be there, knowing you wont get a call from him, actually having accepted all the nasty sides of this loss.... It sounds just as painful. 

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KMB   
41 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

wish we could know for how long we must carry this pain in our chests. I'm pretty sure cant do this for 50 years!

Grieving has no rules or time frame. We learn to carry the sadness with us, the rest of our life. It helps NOT to think about down the road and how are we going to feel. Don't think about 50 years or your own longevity. We don't know anything beyond today. That is why the best advice is to take one day at a time. We don't know about tomorrow and there is no point in worrying about what we cannot know. All we need to do, is today.

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LoveGoli   
8 hours ago, Azipod said:

Fridays are the worst day in many ways.  It's the start of another weekend, where we are not able to spend time together.  It's another weekend, to go into long moments of darkness coupled with sadness.   Friday also marks the end of another week, without our partner.    With that, it reminds me how purposeless my life is with this never ending repeating cycle.

Yes weekend are so bad now, full of loneliness. All are going for wedding and i am at home, what could be my life, and now this is totally opposite. I don't know why my all happiness taken away from me, I can't stop myself to think Why. 

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LoveGoli   
6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I wish we could know for how long we must carry this pain in our chests. I'm pretty sure cant do this for 50 years!

I wish i know how long so that I can count my days but now i dont know how long. I can't do this even few months this is too much for me.

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KayC   
17 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I wish we could know for how long we must carry this pain in our chests. I'm pretty sure cant do this for 50 years!

You can't do this for 50 years as it is right now, but it will change.  I know there's no way for you to see that right now, but it does.  The day he died, the early years and beyond, and now, they are very different, my anxiety was extremely high then, and now it may hit now and then but nothing like it was then.  Plus I was in shock, I had so much adjusting to do, I'm used to living alone now.  It may get old and I get lonely at times, but it's not the panic it was in the beginning.  I used to dread nights and weekends because that had been our time and now every day is pretty much the same, I don't fear weekends anymore, but neither do I look forward to them as I did when he was alive.  

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