Two Months...

[Djh0901kc]

10 minutes ago, KMB said:

Thank you, Djh. Whatever my longevity is, I wish I could hit high speed, fast forward, or something.I've been doing today minute by minute like I did in the beginning months. Why the backwards slide after over a year? The universe is supposed to be rooting for me, not bringing me backwards. What is the lesson in that?

I don’t understand it either. I hate this and there’s nothing fair about it. You’re stronger than I am to have made it this far. 

[KMB]

18 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

You’re stronger than I am to have made it this far. 

I don't consider myself stronger. If it wasn't for my pets needing me, I might have checked myself out of this agony a year ago.  The dog and cat are in their senior years. There is no way I could have re-homed them or left them at a shelter. They wouldn't have understood my abandoning them. They haven't taken my husband's loss well either. They are my shadows, especially my dog. My dog still goes around when we are outside, and looks for his buddy. He sniffs at my husband's chair in the garage and the drivers door and ground next to the vehicle my husband used. The tears run down every time I see my dog doing those things. I know how he feels.

[TooDevastated]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

I don't consider myself stronger. If it wasn't for my pets needing me, I might have checked myself out of this agony a year ago.  The dog and cat are in their senior years. There is no way I could have re-homed them or left them at a shelter. They wouldn't have understood my abandoning them. They haven't taken my husband's loss well either. They are my shadows, especially my dog. My dog still goes around when we are outside, and looks for his buddy. He sniffs at my husband's chair in the garage and the drivers door and ground next to the vehicle my husband used. The tears run down every time I see my dog doing those things. I know how he feels.

Its great for you to have a pet that you had with your husband. I am sure they are great comfort and it must be good to see other living things missing him daily.  I really wanted to get his pet buy his family wouldnt allow it.. I dont have anything to look after. I have got nothing that needs me. No crucial role for anyone anymore. I wish I was pregnant so I'd have a baby left from him and I'd have to put myself together to look after it. Im gonna check myself out if I dont get a deadly illness soon. 

With my family's rate of pancreatic cancer and brain tumors, I hope I develop one of them soon. They say sadness and stress fastens the cancerous tissue growth and I have had a lot of that already havent i...

[KMB]

TooDevastated, Have you given any thought to getting yourself a pet? Or do you live in a place that doesn't allow them? Maybe adopting a cat that is past the kitten stage and can be left alone if you are working? Cats are independent and don't require having to be taken outside for bathroom breaks.  Just an idea. I don't know how I could exist without my pets. They are the only ones that need me at this stage of my life.

[TooDevastated]

12 minutes ago, KMB said:

TooDevastated, Have you given any thought to getting yourself a pet? Or do you live in a place that doesn't allow them? Maybe adopting a cat that is past the kitten stage and can be left alone if you are working? Cats are independent and don't require having to be taken outside for bathroom breaks.  Just an idea. I don't know how I could exist without my pets. They are the only ones that need me at this stage of my life.

I dont want to make any plans. Its like time is frozen and I am waiting for something to happen. 

Bruce and I were both dog-loving people rather than cats. I thought about getting a puppy but it wouldnt be the same as having something left from him. I dont know whats going to happen to me yet either. I don't want to pull another creature into my darkness... But thanks for the suggestion KMB. Just having a really dark day like the rest of you guys.

You are really strong to have made it over a year! X 

 

[Djh0901kc]

Are we all bringing each other down? We seem to be having bad days at the same time. 

[TooDevastated]

14 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Are we all bringing each other down? We seem to be having bad days at the same time. 

I can't say I had any good days for the last 3 months. I just realised its after midnight. It has been officially 3 months since my baby has died. I never knew time could freeze for this long.

[KMB]

20 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Just having a really dark day like the rest of you guys.

I don't know why I was having such a bad time of it today.  It has been several months since I felt this extreme intensity of pain and sadness like in the beginning. I have ok days and bad days for the most part.   Maybe there is something in the atmosphere for us today, I don't know. Maybe it is because there is a full moon tomorrow. But that moon is the harvest moon, which is always a good and happy time.  Heck if I know.   All I know right now, is that I can go to bed in a couple hours and escape into hiding again.

[KMB]

30 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Its like time is frozen and I am waiting for something to happen. 

I had that feeling for quite a while in the beginning months. I was constantly on edge, waiting, restless. I couldn't explain that restlessness or the sense of waiting. After all those feelings faded, I figured it was part of the denial/bargaining stage. I kept waiting for my husband to walk in the door and say he was home. I kept waiting for the phone call from him asking me to come and pick him up. I guess my heart finally made the connection to the logical part of my brain. I didn't have to wait anymore. I still have those thoughts from time to time. Wishing my husband could walk in the door or call me. The heart wants what it wants.

[LoveGoli]

8 hours ago, Azipod said:

Hurricanes, shootings, terrorist attacks, I don't really care.     I know I sound selfish, but each of our loss is just as tragic as any of those other world events.   The news is no big deal.   WE ALREADY BEEN SUFFERING.    The news is "old news."    We are already victims.

If you are selfish then I am too because I don't care too about all other things happening in world because my life already sucks and these things doesn't matter to me. Few days earlier one bridge collapsed and few people died on that, I feel bad about that but not that bad as I used to earlier. I was thinking **** happened with them too, like me.

 

[LoveGoli]

7 hours ago, KMB said:

Thank you, Djh. Whatever my longevity is, I wish I could hit high speed, fast forward, or something.I've been doing today minute by minute like I did in the beginning months. Why the backwards slide after over a year? The universe is supposed to be rooting for me, not bringing me backwards. What is the lesson in that?

I am so sorry that you had terrible day, you always provide comfort to others and I feel really bad seeing you like this. I wish I have some words to comfort you but as you know I am new to this journey so all I can say we are here for you and we are listening whatever you want to say. Lots of hugs from me and my Goli.

[LoveGoli]

2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Are we all bringing each other down? We seem to be having bad days at the same time. 

My all days are bad and since last 3 months there is no good day for me, so I can't say we all having bad day at same time because all days are bad for me.

[LoveGoli]

2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I can't say I had any good days for the last 3 months. I just realised its after midnight. It has been officially 3 months since my baby has died. I never knew time could freeze for this long.

I can feel your pain, its 3 months for me, I am just remembering him, his last day, his last words. Oh I wish I can go to past and see him one more time.

[KayC]

I'm sorry you all had a bad day yesterday.  With me it was Monday.  I don't know why some days are harder than others, only that it happens.  I've learned to flow with the grief, it's going to hit of its own accord and nothing we think or do will stop it.
Anyway, I hope you all have a better day today, at least some reprieve.

KMB, I am the same as you, I NEED my pets in my life, I don't want to think about what it'd be like without them.

[Azipod]

17 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I dont want to make any plans. Its like time is frozen and I am waiting for something to happen. 

Bruce and I were both dog-loving people rather than cats. I thought about getting a puppy but it wouldnt be the same as having something left from him. I dont know whats going to happen to me yet either. I don't want to pull another creature into my darkness...

I don't have any plans either.  I live each of my miserable day, one day at a time.  It's quite grueling to say the least.  

I do have a 14-year old dog who has been through so much with me.  Grad school, bunch of girlfriends, 5-jobs, my first marriage, and now my wife's passing.  I really can't believe it.

If I let myself out of this world, it will not happen until he passes away first.   I'm his life.  And my wife was mine.     

It's senseless to just leave people and animal on earth to suffer.

[Azipod]

17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Are we all bringing each other down? We seem to be having bad days at the same time. 

No.  This is the reason why we are here on this forum.   We are here to support each other.    We would be more miserable by "capping" our emotions.

[Azipod]

14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

If you are selfish then I am too because I don't care too about all other things happening in world because my life already sucks and these things doesn't matter to me. Few days earlier one bridge collapsed and few people died on that, I feel bad about that but not that bad as I used to earlier. I was thinking **** happened with them too, like me.

 

I'm here to support everyone on the forum.  We're a family.    However, with other tragic life events out there, I simply don't care.  I'm sorry but I can't carry other people's grief right now.   All I can do is giving attention to the people here.

[Azipod]

14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I can feel your pain, its 3 months for me, I am just remembering him, his last day, his last words. Oh I wish I can go to past and see him one more time.

LoveGoli & TooDevastated.   3-months and 4-days here.   I see this as a mile-marker.  It's a quarter of a year.  It's crazy how time flies.  I can't believe that I haven't slept on the same bed with my wife for that long already.   Before I loss her, I could not even imagine being away from her for so long.  Before the loss, I've never even been in our house to sleep without her.  We were always together.

We need to give ourselves a pat in the back for crossing this mile-marker.   It's been difficult.  It will continue to be so.  But we did survive.  We need to continue to carry on for another 3-months to the 6-month mark.

Our loved ones are still here.  As long as we are alive, they will be alive with us too.   Without us, memories of them will be lost.  We owe it to them to keep them in our heart.

[KMB]

21 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I thought about getting a puppy but it wouldnt be the same as having something left from him.

Maybe, in time, you will consider getting a puppy. Maybe you can check with shelters and see what is available. If a certain pup takes a liking to you, consider it as a sign and gift from Bruce. He will know that a pup will bring you comfort and fill that empty void of feeling needed and loved.

[KMB]

3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Our loved ones are still here.  As long as we are alive, they will be alive with us too.   Without us, memories of them will be lost.  We owe it to them to keep them in our heart.

Yes, we do. We will carry on somehow. All of us here have been surviving thus far, and we will continue to do so. Even though it is so very painful, we will continue to take steps forward, slide backwards, take another step or two forward, back, and keep going. We can do this.

[TooDevastated]

4 hours ago, Azipod said:

We need to give ourselves a pat in the back for crossing this mile-marker.   It's been difficult.  It will continue to be so.  But we did survive.  We need to continue to carry on for another 3-months to the 6-month mark.

I dont want time to pass. I dont understand what the point of surviving is! Whats the point of existing with a missing half? This is a deficient existence and I dont want to keep going this way for many years to come.

I miss him. My brain is still on error loop. Its all I think about day in day out. And it feels like he is drifting further away from me. 

[Azipod]

6 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I dont want time to pass. I dont understand what the point of surviving is! Whats the point of existing with a missing half? This is a deficient existence and I dont want to keep going this way for many years to come.

I miss him. My brain is still on error loop. Its all I think about day in day out. And it feels like he is drifting further away from me. 

I know.  I feel so sad.

I'm trying my best to cheer everyone on.  But behind the rooting I feel really down myself.  I am so sad.

Today at work, I kept thinking about how I could just text my wife whenever I wanted to say something, or just wanted to hear from her.  She would always respond so quickly.   She would just give me a quick hello, and I was fine with that.    Now that I think of it, I was likely missing her and just wanted to hear from her.  It gave me so much comfort when she responded, so I know that my love is there and we're together.

Now, it's all different.  I can't do that anymore.   I miss her so much!!!

[TooDevastated]

2 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know.  I feel so sad.

I'm trying my best to cheer everyone on.  But behind the rooting I feel really down myself.  I am so sad.

Today at work, I kept thinking about how I could just text my wife whenever I wanted to say something, or just wanted to hear from her.  She would always respond so quickly.   She would just give me a quick hello, and I was fine with that.    Now that I think of it, I was likely missing her and just wanted to hear from her.  It gave me so much comfort when she responded, so I know that my love is there and we're together.

Now, it's all different.  I can't do that anymore.   I miss her so much!!!

How comforting it was to have him no matter what happens. 

When something bad at work or with family happened, I always thought... OK, its not that bad. I have got him. We'll get through this together. Because I knew he'd be there simply because I was me! It didnt matter if I was fired, or fought with mum, it wouldnt even matter if I was hit by a bus and couldnt walk anymore! He would be there to take a great care of me! THAT is what I have lost. He has done so much for me. So much to support me and have my back. I got used to it so much that I feel like my spine has been removed from my body...

[Azipod]

13 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

How comforting it was to have him no matter what happens. 

When something bad at work or with family happened, I always thought... OK, its not that bad. I have got him. We'll get through this together. Because I knew he'd be there simply because I was me! It didnt matter if I was fired, or fought with mum, it wouldnt even matter if I was hit by a bus and couldnt walk anymore! He would be there to take a great care of me! THAT is what I have lost. He has done so much for me. So much to support me and have my back. I got used to it so much that I feel like my spine has been removed from my body...

That really is why this whole thing is so sad.  We've lost our soul mate.  That one person who will love us, take care of us, comfort us.  The one who completes us.  As others have said. This is an amputation of the body.   I've lost my better half.  Losing my wife is bad enough.  The thought of never ever having her again here kills me.

[TooDevastated]

58 minutes ago, KMB said:

Maybe, in time, you will consider getting a puppy. Maybe you can check with shelters and see what is available. If a certain pup takes a liking to you, consider it as a sign and gift from Bruce. He will know that a pup will bring you comfort and fill that empty void of feeling needed and loved.

Maybe I will one day. If I see a puppy that needs caring, I wouldnt be able to turn it down anyways...

[KMB]

21 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am so sorry that you had terrible day, you always provide comfort to others and I feel really bad seeing you like this. I wish I have some words to comfort you but as you know I am new to this journey so all I can say we are here for you and we are listening whatever you want to say. Lots of hugs from me and my Goli.

Thank you, LoveGoli. Well, grieving is compared to a roller coaster. I just wasn't expecting to get hit as hard as I was yesterday. The intensity was just like the early days and weeks. I just figure the grief monster got a bug up his rear and decided to give me a good jolt. Every day is bad to okay. But yesterday was a knock out. I'm feeling calmer today.  I got some things done today that I couldn't even attempt yesterday. My functioning was at zero yesterday.

[KMB]

3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Maybe I will one day.

Our hearts were designed big enough to care and love for many. People and animals. Despite our loss, as humans, we still have a desire to love and feel needed. It takes much time and patience to get to that point.

[LoveGoli]

4 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

How comforting it was to have him no matter what happens. 

When something bad at work or with family happened, I always thought... OK, its not that bad. I have got him. We'll get through this together. Because I knew he'd be there simply because I was me! It didnt matter if I was fired, or fought with mum, it wouldnt even matter if I was hit by a bus and couldnt walk anymore! He would be there to take a great care of me! THAT is what I have lost. He has done so much for me. So much to support me and have my back. I got used to it so much that I feel like my spine has been removed from my body...

I am having difficulties doing work in office, because I can't concentrate like before. I wish he was here so that I can share my all problems with him. Whenever any thing happened in office, I share with him instantly on phone but now, I have to hide all these things inside my heart. Whenever he got office he messaged me, whenever he or I feel free we called each other, lunch time call to ask about our meals. Life is so empty now, how one person become so important that we started to loose our identity, when we became so dependent on them.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Azipod said:

I'm here to support everyone on the forum.  We're a family.    However, with other tragic life events out there, I simply don't care.  I'm sorry but I can't carry other people's grief right now.   All I can do is giving attention to the people here.

That's understandable.  I'm hit by these tragedies because I know what it feels like to lose my spouse and my heart hurts for anyone else going through it.  But right now you are in the earlier stage and you don't have room to deal with any other emotion except your own.  When we are newly hit with loss we have to be selfish and focus on it, it takes everything within ourselves to get through this, we don't have anything left for anyone else.  That is built in to us, it's the natural way of grief.

[Azipod]

14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am having difficulties doing work in office, because I can't concentrate like before. I wish he was here so that I can share my all problems with him. Whenever any thing happened in office, I share with him instantly on phone but now, I have to hide all these things inside my heart. Whenever he got office he messaged me, whenever he or I feel free we called each other, lunch time call to ask about our meals. Life is so empty now, how one person become so important that we started to loose our identity, when we became so dependent on them.

I am feeling your pain with you.  I am going through the same.  The fact that we are affected so greatly by this loss is a testament of our love for our partner.  I never knew I could love someone so much.   Honestly, even though I valued my wife's prescence with me everyday, I never realized how much of an impact her departure would have on me.  I am so lost.

[LoveGoli]

1 minute ago, Azipod said:

I am feeling your pain with you.  I am going through the same.  The fact that we are affected so greatly by this loss is a testament of our love for our partner.  I never knew I could love someone so much.   Honestly, even though I valued my wife's prescence with me everyday, I never realized how much of an impact her departure would have on me.  I am so lost.

So true, i valued my husband so much and i knew i love him more than anything but i never knew i would be so alone, so devastated , so lost without him. May be we never imagined, we will face this reality one day so soon

[Azipod]

12 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

So true, i valued my husband so much and i knew i love him more than anything but i never knew i would be so alone, so devastated , so lost without him. May be we never imagined, we will face this reality one day so soon

Well, LoveGoli....... it's another Friday and Weekend here.... and I don't like it.

Someone please shoot me!

[LoveGoli]

5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Well, LoveGoli....... it's another Friday and Weekend here.... and I don't like it.

Someone please shoot me!

Its Friday night here, i am going to watch tv till late night until i get sleep. I am afraid of saturdy morning, another sucking weekend.

[TooDevastated]

On 06.10.2017 at 7:44 PM, LoveGoli said:

Its Friday night here, i am going to watch tv till late night until i get sleep. I am afraid of saturdy morning, another sucking weekend.

It's Monday and it doesnt feel any better. I got out of the hospital this morning. Spent the whole weekend alone. Noone to be with me to told my hand, cheer me up, bring me food and make me feel safe. I carried the crushing weight of knowing I had lost my only family these last days. What's worse is that I had to go to the office. People gossip about me behind my back about how I still havent gotten back to myself. I actually walked in on one of the people I supervise moaning about how I take it out on them and how it should have been XX (someone else at the office) to get the promotion..... I have been more than understanding towards everyone, even in this state of feeling hopeless and desparate. It's really inconsiderate of people to make such rude and baseless comments.

[Azipod]

6 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

It's Monday and it doesnt feel any better. I got out of the hospital this morning. 

I'm glad that you were released and back to work.  Were the doctors able to find out the cause of the fainting?   

[TooDevastated]

19 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I'm glad that you were released and back to work.  Were the doctors able to find out the cause of the fainting?   

Not yet. They have taken blood samples and a brain MRI scan. I'll get the results during this week. 

[Azipod]

7 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Not yet. They have taken blood samples and a brain MRI scan. I'll get the results during this week. 

It's weird.  The odd part of me wished I was in your shoes.  I wished the doctors told me something was wrong with me.  That way I have death to look forward to.    I know I'm very dark.... but I just hate having to endure this grief everyday.   There's no point for me here.

[TooDevastated]

10 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It's weird.  The odd part of me wished I was in your shoes.  I wished the doctors told me something was wrong with me.  That way I have death to look forward to.    I know I'm very dark.... but I just hate having to endure this grief everyday.   There's no point for me here.

Oh I wish my results to reveal something really nasty! I try not to keep my hopes too high, though. We are all very dark now...No point for me here either..

I was very disappointed to wake up at the hospital! I wish the neighbour didn't find me fainted in my car. Maybe if I was left alone long enough, I might have died. 

[Azipod]

7 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Oh I wish my results to reveal something really nasty! I try not to keep my hopes too high, though. We are all very dark now...No point for me here either..

I was very disappointed to wake up at the hospital! I wish the neighbour didn't find me fainted in my car. Maybe if I was left alone long enough, I might have died. 

Your neighbor was the savior?   Oh, it is so not time for you to go yet!    It would be awful if I ended up living to my elder years.   My time needs to come up soon.

[TooDevastated]

9 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Your neighbor was the savior?   Oh, it is so not time for you to go yet!    It would be awful if I ended up living to my elder years.   My time needs to come up soon.

Yeah, she was my "saviour"... My time needs to come up soon too! 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

It's Monday and it doesnt feel any better. I got out of the hospital this morning. Spent the whole weekend alone. Noone to be with me to told my hand, cheer me up, bring me food and make me feel safe. I carried the crushing weight of knowing I had lost my only family these last days. What's worse is that I had to go to the office. People gossip about me behind my back about how I still havent gotten back to myself. I actually walked in on one of the people I supervise moaning about how I take it out on them and how it should have been XX (someone else at the office) to get the promotion..... I have been more than understanding towards everyone, even in this state of feeling hopeless and desparate. It's really inconsiderate of people to make such rude and baseless comments.

I'm sorry people are being so unkind to you.  It has to be hard to be alone in the hospital and not even know what's wrong.  You are right, it's very rude for people to behave as they are towards you.  

[KMB]

TooDevastated,  I am glad to hear you are out of the hospital. I am sorry no one was there for your time there. I am also sorry and disgusted at how you are being treated at work. I'll never understand some people and their selfishness and lack of empathy.

[Dingdong]

Hello all, I am new here and trying to find my place anywhere in the planet. I lost my son to suicide last January 11. Aug 3 should have been his 16th bday, but being it a Thursday, we want to celebrate it Saturday Aug 5, but on the night of Aug 4 , my husband had a heart attack and passed away. So, now it’s just me and my daughter and she is mad at me. Maybe because I didn’t take my husband to the hospital, but I asked him , he said “No, just let me rest” but went to cardiac arrest holding my hands. What do I do now? I’m about to lose my mobile home because I cannot afford to live there anymore. I am presently staying with my sister because I can’t even drive the tragedies seems to destabilize me. The good Lord is still blessed me though, because Ia still on paid leave until Feb 2018. The emotional stress is too much. I don’t know who to cry for sometimes, I am not done grieving with the loss of my son and now my husband who was always there  everytime I cries every night was take too. Tell me people why is life seems so unfair to me ?

[Patti14]

2 hours ago, Dingdong said:

Hello all, I am new here and trying to find my place anywhere in the planet. I lost my son to suicide last January 11. Aug 3 should have been his 16th bday, but being it a Thursday, we want to celebrate it Saturday Aug 5, but on the night of Aug 4 , my husband had a heart attack and passed away. So, now it’s just me and my daughter and she is mad at me. Maybe because I didn’t take my husband to the hospital, but I asked him , he said “No, just let me rest” but went to cardiac arrest holding my hands. What do I do now? I’m about to lose my mobile home because I cannot afford to live there anymore. I am presently staying with my sister because I can’t even drive the tragedies seems to destabilize me. The good Lord is still blessed me though, because Ia still on paid leave until Feb 2018. The emotional stress is too much. I don’t know who to cry for sometimes, I am not done grieving with the loss of my son and now my husband who was always there  everytime I cries every night was take too. Tell me people why is life seems so unfair to me ?

I am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how you feel losing your son. I lost my husband almost 3 weeks ago and I know how painful that is. It is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. I am lost and hurting so bad. I can't imagine having to feel this way twice. I really don't have any advice to offer because I am not doing well with the loss of my husband. Life is unfair and it sucks. 

[Azipod]

2 hours ago, Dingdong said:

Hello all, I am new here and trying to find my place anywhere in the planet. I lost my son to suicide last January 11. Aug 3 should have been his 16th bday, but being it a Thursday, we want to celebrate it Saturday Aug 5, but on the night of Aug 4 , my husband had a heart attack and passed away. So, now it’s just me and my daughter and she is mad at me. Maybe because I didn’t take my husband to the hospital, but I asked him , he said “No, just let me rest” but went to cardiac arrest holding my hands. What do I do now? I’m about to lose my mobile home because I cannot afford to live there anymore. I am presently staying with my sister because I can’t even drive the tragedies seems to destabilize me. The good Lord is still blessed me though, because Ia still on paid leave until Feb 2018. The emotional stress is too much. I don’t know who to cry for sometimes, I am not done grieving with the loss of my son and now my husband who was always there  everytime I cries every night was take too. Tell me people why is life seems so unfair to me ?

Dingdong.  I am so sorry to hear about two of your successive losses.  This is terrible and we must somehow find strength to help us carry on each day.  It will be difficult and things will take a toll on you.   The one thing that carries me forward, is to know that life is unpredictable.  (We all experience that... we've lost someone, some unexpectantly).   All we can do is carry on forward 1 day at a time.  We don't know what's in store for us next week, next month, or next year.    Something good(?) may happen?   I don't know.  All I can say is that we never know what is there until we turn the corner.   So with that in mind, just take it easy and do what you can to make it through the day.   That's all we can do.

[KMB]

3 hours ago, Dingdong said:

 

Hello all, I am new here and trying to find my place anywhere in the planet. I lost my son to suicide last January 11. Aug 3 should have been his 16th bday, but being it a Thursday, we want to celebrate it Saturday Aug 5, but on the night of Aug 4 , my husband had a heart attack and passed away. So, now it’s just me and my daughter and she is mad at me. Maybe because I didn’t take my husband to the hospital, but I asked him , he said “No, just let me rest” but went to cardiac arrest holding my hands. What do I do now? I’m about to lose my mobile home because I cannot afford to live there anymore. I am presently staying with my sister because I can’t even drive the tragedies seems to destabilize me. The good Lord is still blessed me though, because Ia still on paid leave until Feb 2018. The emotional stress is too much. I don’t know who to cry for sometimes, I am not done grieving with the loss of my son and now my husband who was always there  everytime I cries every night was take too. Tell me people why is life seems so unfair to me ?

 

I am so deeply sorry to read of your tragic double losses. Life certainly has been unkind and unfair to you. I am sorry your daughter is mad at you. I don't think she really is. She is in pain and you are the closest person to lash out at. In time and treating her with love and patience, she will see that you were not to blame. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest also. He was feeling really tired his last couple of weeks, but he refused to let me take him to the hospital. He had just seen one of his doctors also, who said his heart sounded good and strong. I felt guilt for a long time. But, I have come to realize that we have no control over what another chooses for themselves, no matter how much we love them.

I am sorry you are losing your home as well. There are so many secondary losses on top of losing our loved ones. Makes you wonder how much we can actually deal with. You are blessed in having your sister step up and give you a place to stay.  You will be crying for both your son and husband. There is no need to choose. Your grieving encompasses both. They are with each other in Heaven, under God's love and care.

This is a time when you really need to keep your faith in God. He sees your pain and struggles and He is walking by your side. He will guide you and comfort you.

This forum is a safe place  to come to. Whether just to read posts or to express your heart felt feelings and thoughts. We are here for each other.

[TeddTodd]

8 minutes ago, KMB said:

I am so deeply sorry to read of your tragic double losses. Life certainly has been unkind and unfair to you. I am sorry your daughter is mad at you. I don't think she really is. She is in pain and you are the closest person to lash out at. In time and treating her with love and patience, she will see that you were not to blame. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest also. He was feeling really tired his last couple of weeks, but he refused to let me take him to the hospital. He had just seen one of his doctors also, who said his heart sounded good and strong. I felt guilt for a long time. But, I have come to realize that we have no control over what another chooses for themselves, no matter how much we love them.

I am sorry you are losing your home as well. There are so many secondary losses on top of losing our loved ones. Makes you wonder how much we can actually deal with. You are blessed in having your sister step up and give you a place to stay.  You will be crying for both your son and husband. There is no need to choose. Your grieving encompasses both. They are with each other in Heaven, under God's love and care.

This is a time when you really need to keep your faith in God. He sees your pain and struggles and He is walking by your side. He will guide you and comfort you.

This forum is a safe place  to come to. Whether just to read posts or to express your heart felt feelings and thoughts. We are here for each other.

KMB, 

Your wise words really hit me. My dear had heart attack and passed away in June,  I was asking him to go for check-up just one week prior and I will be there with him so he won't be alone. He refused and told me that he felt fine, there is nothing wrong with him.  I blamed myself so much but I know the only would be dragging him to the hospital. But we loved them so much that we tend to let them go with what their wishes. We just want them to be happy and have their own way and maybe that is something that we loved about them... being stubborn..... 

[TooDevastated]

On 10.10.2017 at 1:41 AM, KayC said:

I'm sorry people are being so unkind to you.  It has to be hard to be alone in the hospital and not even know what's wrong.  You are right, it's very rude for people to behave as they are towards you.  

I am sorry for myself too. I was there for mum for months when she needed surgeries etc. I was at the hospital at the weekend and this week, I got a terrible flu that I am stuck in bed I can hardly get up. My body hurts all over, got a terrible cough. I feel so bad I couldnt drive myself to the hospital. 

Mum has been on a holiday and she says its just a flu and I will be fine and she cant cancel this as she and her sister planned it months ago.

I dont even want to call any friends.. Because how pathetic I would seem then.. I will just lay in bed and cough some more with my empty stomach hoping to die!

Bruce would have made me soup and take me to the hospital and take a great care of me. I wish we had died together so I wouldnt have to go through all of this. I am really so f***ing lonely guys...

[KMB]

1 hour ago, TeddTodd said:

 But we loved them so much that we tend to let them go with what their wishes. We just want them to be happy and have their own way and maybe that is something that we loved about them... being stubborn....

Gosh, yes. I carried guilt before my husband passed. He worked long hours and I did my best to have our life run smoothly. Just so when he was home, he had no other worries and could relax. He loved his food when he was home. He loved certain things and too much of it that wasn't healthy. I had my guilt in buying that stuff. But, I felt he deserved to be happy with his meals. He was the one working and earning the money for the groceries. He could be stubborn with his food choices and I tried often to incorporate healthier options, to no avail. He avoided the responsibility of over seeing to his own health. By the time when he was feeling so terrible and wanted to make changes, the damage to his body was irreversible. All we were doing was being the best, loving partners we could be. And now, we are paying the price.

[KMB]

TooDevastated,  I am sorry you have the flu. I hope you feel better soon. It is so hard when we have to go through these things alone, without our loved one. Their loss hits us even harder than it already has. Sending prayers out to you!  (HUGS)