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TooDevastated

Two Months...

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LoveGoli   
11 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Maybe this overwhelming sadness will take my body down.  It wouldn't be so bad.

This is what I want, may my soul leave my body soon and this imprisonment stop.  The difference in prison and our life is , in prison you have other prisoners and here we are the only prisoner , rest other are free, living their life fullest.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

This is what I want, may my soul leave my body soon and this imprisonment stop.  The difference in prison and our life is , in prison you have other prisoners and here we are the only prisoner , rest other are free, living their life fullest.

Its so sad that our death is the only thing we long for now... But death is certainly better than our pointless lonely lives.

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LoveGoli   
2 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Its so sad that our death is the only thing we long for now... But death is certainly better than our pointless lonely lives.

Of-course its better, I don't like materialistic things now, I just want to be with him. 

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1 minute ago, LoveGoli said:

Of-course its better, I don't like materialistic things now, I just want to be with him. 

I cant go back to living because I know it will suck big time now... I will never have kids. I will never have a loving companion by my side. The closeness and the intimacy. 

What am I to do? Focus on my career? Whats the point! I hope those end of the world in october news are correct! I never believed in conspiracy theories but I hope the world ends soon. Only then, I could see there was mercy of god in his death, that god spared him from seeing the horrible end of the world. 

Right now. It does not seem to be merciful of god at all! Its sunny and life goes on as before. And I have to be here to witness it. Its so cruel.

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LoveGoli   
35 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I cant go back to living because I know it will suck big time now... I will never have kids. I will never have a loving companion by my side. The closeness and the intimacy. 

What am I to do? Focus on my career? Whats the point! I hope those end of the world in october news are correct! I never believed in conspiracy theories but I hope the world ends soon. Only then, I could see there was mercy of god in his death, that god spared him from seeing the horrible end of the world. 

Right now. It does not seem to be merciful of god at all! Its sunny and life goes on as before. And I have to be here to witness it. Its so cruel.

Your angel date and mine is same 5th July and I hate this date now. I also, do not have kids and I think never will be, our situation is quite similar and I can relate to you. I was very career oriented girl before and now its so meaning less if I can not share my progress with my husband. I wish the news you mentioned is correct and world ends or If its not possible then take me away from here.

Life is going on, people moving on, I never noticed so many laughing people around me and now their laugh realized me my sorrow, I think I will never laugh so loud again or if I do the pain will be always there.  We will not the same person like we before, this is the cruelest thing happen to us.

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KayC   
15 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

But we didnt get to have kids. We didnt get to have our wedding. We didnt get to have the holidays we planned out.

You are grieving not only the loss of him, but all of your plans, your future together.  KMB and I both grieve not getting to retire with them...we never dreamed we'd find ourselves alone at this stage of our lives.  It's hard no matter when it happens, whether you never made it to the altar or not, or whether you were married 50 years, nothing is a consolation it seems.  :(

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KayC   
10 hours ago, Azipod said:

 I know that I can make it one day at a time.   But each day keeps repeating itself.

Been there, it seems like Groundhog Day all over again.

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KayC   
6 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I think I will never laugh so loud again or if I do the pain will be always there.

We do laugh again.  We do live again.  But never is it the same.  You're right that we carry our grief inside of us, always, but it changes from intense pain to a kind of sadness and always...missing them.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

You are grieving not only the loss of him, but all of your plans, your future together.  KMB and I both grieve not getting to retire with them...we never dreamed we'd find ourselves alone at this stage of our lives.  It's hard no matter when it happens, whether you never made it to the altar or not, or whether you were married 50 years, nothing is a consolation it seems.  :(

Retirement plans were so far ahead for us but I'll be lonely whatever I face from now on. Thats the fact I have to make peace with. It wouldnt have been this difficult if I hadnt known what true companionship and happiness were. 

Apart from being sorry for myself, I'll always be sorry for his untimely passing... The things we wanted to have and we never will. We were both robbed of our future. Him and me. Somehow I think he is as sad as I am. 

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Azipod   
11 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Its so sad that our death is the only thing we long for now... But death is certainly better than our pointless lonely lives.

I agree.  However, it makes perfect sense.  The love of our life was the one person we truly only cared for.  They were our rock.  Our lover, our best friend, our soul mate.

Now that they are no longer here, it makes sense to want to leave just so we can be with them.

My wife and I had a great relationship.  Even then, I didn't realize how much she meant to me until she was gone.   If only I could turn back time...

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Azipod   
11 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Of-course its better, I don't like materialistic things now, I just want to be with him. 

There have been so many world events lately.  From hurricanes to major earthquakes to the solar eclipse.  People have thoughts about this may be an indication of the end of the world coming.   Doesn't sound that bad at all.    I would leave earth in a heartbeat if I had the choice.

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Azipod   
10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

 

Life is going on, people moving on, I never noticed so many laughing people around me and now their laugh realized me my sorrow, I think I will never laugh so loud again or if I do the pain will be always there.  We will not the same person like we before, this is the cruelest thing happen to us.

This is so true.   Everything and everyone is moving.   It's just us existing just to exist.  It feels horrible.   And it's not going to get any better.

I wake up each morning dreading this terrible journey that we have to travel through each day, for our entire lifetime.   

Many of us have had our "friends" disappear on us.  I feel that society as a whole, do not know how to deal with death.  So a lot of people don't know what to do and what to say do nothing and give us our space, believing that it will help if they don't remind us of our loss (wrong!  we never forget).

What irks me more is that the fact that most people do not know how to deal with death, is because they didn't have to deal with it. They are the lucky ones.

So then why is it us that have to go through this trauma?   Life took my wife away when we are both still young!  Why couldn't life give us more time together?

Someone made a mistake here.

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

We were both robbed of our future. 

Life robbed us of our future.... robbed us of our soulmate.

People just don't get it.  There is no point for me to continue.  

I existed to be there for my wife.  I work so that we have the finances to live in the present and future.  I existed so that we can enjoy each other's companies.  I existed so that we could take care of each other down the road.    

Now, my wife does not physically exist.   My purpose for life is over.  

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49 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Life robbed us of our future.... robbed us of our soulmate.

People just don't get it.  There is no point for me to continue.  

I existed to be there for my wife.  I work so that we have the finances to live in the present and future.  I existed so that we can enjoy each other's companies.  I existed so that we could take care of each other down the road.    

Now, my wife does not physically exist.   My purpose for life is over.  

Same here. I worked so hard so I could spend it on gifts for him, stuff for myself to look good, holidays, dinners. 

I studied so hard to get accepted for fellowship at the uni near his house so we could finally move in together. 

Although I had other passions in life, he was the motivation for me. He kept me going. We shared everything together, he was involved in all aspects of my life. Now its all empty. 

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

Same here. I worked so hard so I could spend it on gifts for him, stuff for myself to look good, holidays, dinners. 

I studied so hard to get accepted for fellowship at the uni near his house so we could finally move in together. 

Although I had other passions in life, he was the motivation for me. He kept me going. We shared everything together, he was involved in all aspects of my life. Now its all empty. 

These "secondary losses" are just as bad as the primary loss.

Many people out there just don't get it.  They only see the surface.  They only see that you lost a loved one.

They don't see that we actually lost our entire life and our future.

I am very scared about the upcoming holidays.  Going through these special times of the year will never be the same without my wife.

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KMB   

That is just it right there. People know we lost our soul mate. They don't think beyond that tragic fact. They don't comprehend or notice all the many secondary losses. I hate it when people point out I still have a future, that I am still alive and can do anything I want to. That I just need to start over. What do they know about it? Nothing! Sure, it all sounds like logical thinking, but the heart isn't in it. They still have their loved one, so they know nothing.

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KayC   
10 hours ago, KMB said:

That is just it right there. People know we lost our soul mate. They don't think beyond that tragic fact. They don't comprehend or notice all the many secondary losses. I hate it when people point out I still have a future, that I am still alive and can do anything I want to. That I just need to start over. What do they know about it? Nothing! Sure, it all sounds like logical thinking, but the heart isn't in it. They still have their loved one, so they know nothing.

That is just wrong on so many counts!  To reduce it to some simple solution is so wrong!  We are not idiots, if there were some simple solution, we'd have found it by now.  The truth is, this is so all-encompassing it affects us on every level of our being.  There is no getting over this.  There is only trying to learn to live with it in the best way we can.

Azipod, of course you didn't have time to think about retirement.  My George felt that way too, he was too busy living.  Four years ago I was pretty much forced into it, and had to do it alone.  It is nothing like it would have been with him.  Every day waking up alone for the rest of my life.  Whatever I do, I have to choose to do it alone.  That changes everything.  Last night I went to a get together where everyone was playing  board games.  it was fun but I could only stay an hour because I can't drive at night.  If George was here we would have been there together and he would have driven.  Every day for the rest of my life I am affected by his being gone.  The camping we would have done.  I miss talking everything over with him.  It's the little things I miss.  It's the little things that are big.

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Eagle-96   
2 hours ago, KayC said:

That is just wrong on so many counts!  To reduce it to some simple solution is so wrong!  We are not idiots, if there were some simple solution, we'd have found it by now.  The truth is, this is so all-encompassing it affects us on every level of our being.  There is no getting over this.  There is only trying to learn to live with it in the best way we can.

Azipod, of course you didn't have time to think about retirement.  My George felt that way too, he was too busy living.  Four years ago I was pretty much forced into it, and had to do it alone.  It is nothing like it would have been with him.  Every day waking up alone for the rest of my life.  Whatever I do, I have to choose to do it alone.  That changes everything.  Last night I went to a get together where everyone was playing  board games.  it was fun but I could only stay an hour because I can't drive at night.  If George was here we would have been there together and he would have driven.  Every day for the rest of my life I am affected by his being gone.  The camping we would have done.  I miss talking everything over with him.  It's the little things I miss.  It's the little things that are big.

It's like that book that says "don't sweat the small stuff". I disagree. It's the small stuff that matters so much. A kiss goodnight. Catching their smile across the room. Cooking a meal together. It's those small things that make up the lives we had and I want to get in peoples faces and yell at them, "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER HOW SMALL".

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Azipod   
15 hours ago, KMB said:

That is just it right there. People know we lost our soul mate. They don't think beyond that tragic fact. They don't comprehend or notice all the many secondary losses. I hate it when people point out I still have a future, that I am still alive and can do anything I want to. That I just need to start over. What do they know about it? Nothing! Sure, it all sounds like logical thinking, but the heart isn't in it. They still have their loved one, so they know nothing.

I have to admit that I was just like them before.   Our society is completely oblivious as to how to deal with death and grief.   We are not taught about this subject.  They teach us about career, financial planning, retirement, investments, etc.     Why is death a taboo subject?

We unlucky ones are now educated well.  We will become rocks for others on this journey, if not already.

People just don't get it.

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Azipod   
5 hours ago, KayC said:

 

Azipod, of course you didn't have time to think about retirement.  My George felt that way too, he was too busy living.  Four years ago I was pretty much forced into it, and had to do it alone.  It is nothing like it would have been with him.  Every day waking up alone for the rest of my life.  Whatever I do, I have to choose to do it alone.  That changes everything.  Last night I went to a get together where everyone was playing  board games.  it was fun but I could only stay an hour because I can't drive at night.  If George was here we would have been there together and he would have driven.  Every day for the rest of my life I am affected by his being gone.  The camping we would have done.  I miss talking everything over with him.  It's the little things I miss.  It's the little things that are big.

Alone is my new life.  Alone I am.

I just found out I have to go see an oral surgeon to get some work done.   I so wished that my wife was here to accompany me through this upcoming medical procedure.   I know I'll survive and I can do it alone.   But it would be so nice if she was there with me..... just to drive me home, just to make sure I am OK and watch out for me when I get home for recovery.

Life without our spouse, is learning how to be alone.

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Azipod   
2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

It's like that book that says "don't sweat the small stuff". I disagree. It's the small stuff that matters so much. A kiss goodnight. Catching their smile across the room. Cooking a meal together. It's those small things that make up the lives we had and I want to get in peoples faces and yell at them, "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER HOW SMALL".

Oh boy.   That is so true.   I once described that losing a loved one is like a big umbrella.   Underneath the umbrella, however, are the THOUSANDS of things that makes this journey truly awful.  

For me, this week, was seeing the empty side of our bed.  Perhaps next week, will be the 1/2 of our mail which still comes in with my wife's name.  I don't know.  But the list goes on.

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19 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Oh boy.   That is so true.   I once described that losing a loved one is like a big umbrella.   Underneath the umbrella, however, are the THOUSANDS of things that makes this journey truly awful.  

For me, this week, was seeing the empty side of our bed.  Perhaps next week, will be the 1/2 of our mail which still comes in with my wife's name.  I don't know.  But the list goes on.

For me this week, the worst thing was going through today alone. It would have been our 5th year anniversary. I have been feeling so low at work so I came home early and cried for hours. The second thing is the notification e-mails for the stuff we used to look at/attend to together.  I dont know for how long I can bear this terrible loneliness. I want to be with him. 

 

23 hours ago, Azipod said:

There have been so many world events lately.  From hurricanes to major earthquakes to the solar eclipse.  People have thoughts about this may be an indication of the end of the world coming.   Doesn't sound that bad at all.    I would leave earth in a heartbeat if I had the choice.

I hope these people are right. My world feels like it has ended anyway. 

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KMB   
5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 

8 hours ago, KayC said:

That is just wrong on so many counts!  To reduce it to some simple solution is so wrong!  We are not idiots, if there were some simple solution, we'd have found it by now.  The truth is, this is so all-encompassing it affects us on every level of our being.  There is no getting over this.  There is only trying to learn to live with it in the best way we can.

Azipod, of course you didn't have time to think about retirement.  My George felt that way too, he was too busy living.  Four years ago I was pretty much forced into it, and had to do it alone.  It is nothing like it would have been with him.  Every day waking up alone for the rest of my life.  Whatever I do, I have to choose to do it alone.  That changes everything.  Last night I went to a get together where everyone was playing  board games.  it was fun but I could only stay an hour because I can't drive at night.  If George was here we would have been there together and he would have driven.  Every day for the rest of my life I am affected by his being gone.  The camping we would have done.  I miss talking everything over with him.  It's the little things I miss.  It's the little things that are big.

It's like that book that says "don't sweat the small stuff". I disagree. It's the small stuff that matters so much. A kiss goodnight. Catching their smile across the room. Cooking a meal together. It's those small things that make up the lives we had and I want to get in peoples faces and yell at them, "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER HOW SMALL".

 

Darn straight with all of this! May God have mercy for us all. All this pain and the many losses accompanying the main loss of our soul mates is insufferable.

I was just outside, watering the flowers that are still blooming yet. Putting fresh water in the bird bath, filling the seed feeder. Automatic things I could do in my sleep. The thoughts flit around  in my mind about why am I doing these things? The rest of the flowers are going to die soon. If I don't feed the birds, they will eventually go off and find a different food source. I guess the reason why, is that I am getting outside, some fresh air and a little exercise. My dog follows me around and he needs the fresh air, exercise also. He won't stay outside without me with him, ever since my husband has been gone. It is a matter of personal perspective in what a person finds a small measure of meaning, purpose in. So many thoughts go round and round in my mind.Everything my husband and I did, was for each other, for us. For other people we cared about. Now, the majority of those others have evaporated. There is no us.

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KMB   
2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

or me this week, the worst thing was going through today alone. It would have been our 5th year anniversary. I have been feeling so low at work so I came home early and cried for hours. The second thing is the notification e-mails for the stuff we used to look at/attend to together.  I dont know for how long I can bear this terrible loneliness. I want to be with him. 

My thoughts are with you----- :wub:

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KMB   
3 hours ago, Azipod said:

 

 

 

Life without our spouse, is learning how to be alone

 

Pretty much sums it up.

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