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TooDevastated

Two Months...

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LoveGoli   
1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Dying is absolutely not the worst thing that can happen to me right now.

It is the best thing can happen to us right now. I read somewhere in forum that life on earth will be end soon and it makes me feel so good and relief that hopefully this would be true so that i can meet my goli. Sorry for being so selfish.

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18 hours ago, KayC said:

TooDevastated,

I hope you'll consider a grief support group, at least you could make a new friend there.  I know it's soon but you need to have someone on your side, someone who gets it, someone who will look you in the eye and BE THERE for you.
At the very least, I hope you are able to be assertive and correct these people, which I know can be exhausting, and stand up for yourself, it's also liberating and empowering.  For someone to ask if you're seeing someone at this time is horrible!  OMG!  Would they start seeing someone if suddenly their husband was jerked from them?!  Are people idiots?!  Good grief!

I have looked for frief support groups but couldnt find one in my area yet. But I am seeing a therapist. I dont think its doing any wonders though.

I am assertive and have always stood up for myself and my beliefs. I tell these people its rude to make these comments and that they should hope never to be in my shoes in their lives. But its exhausting enough to be in this pain! Why do I have to tell people whats acceptable and whats not? Cant they tell they are hurting my feelings? Cant I expect the smallest support? The people being rude at work mostly think they are competing with me! How professional! My performance drop might get them a promotion so they try to make sure I stay in this mood for as long as possible... 

People are horrible. They just look for how they can benefit from every situation...

 

 

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LoveGoli   
4 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

The people being rude at work mostly think they are competing with me! How professional! My performance drop might get them a promotion so they try to make sure I stay in this mood for as long as possible... 

People are horrible. They just look for how they can benefit from every situation...

Same thing happening with me in my office. Even my manager said its been two months now start work like you did earlier and improve performance, for them its two months but for me its just two months. They are not in our shoe so they won't understand.

It makes me sad, how easily they can say its two months, emotionless peoples.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

We just loved spending time with each other.  We didn't have to shower each other with the tangible things. 

I think this indicates how truly we were soulmates. We only needed simple stuff to have an extraordinary day. Our togetherness was enough to keep us going for a lifetime. 

2 hours ago, Azipod said:

Every day, I run into things or experiences I see.  I get so excited to think that I will be talking to my wife about it.  Then one second later, BAM!  I get hit in the face with a reminder that she's no longer here.

I keep taking seeing cute/interesting things during the day. I make mental notes to tell him about these imagining how excited he'll be! And then, just like you said, one second later, it hits me.

I do everything I can to passively shorten my life. No supplements, exercise, gym, forcing myself to drink water, healthy meals, fruit snacks... None of those anymore. I barely eat (once or twice a day) and when I do its always unhealthy stuff.

I hate seeing the foodstuff he loved. I hate that we tried to eat/live so healthily and in the end it didnt matter for him. 

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53 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

It is the best thing can happen to us right now. I read somewhere in forum that life on earth will be end soon and it makes me feel so good and relief that hopefully this would be true so that i can meet my goli. Sorry for being so selfish.

I definitely understand your feelings. How wonderful it would be to have the world end altogether.. It sure feels like that anyway.

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LoveGoli   
14 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I hate seeing the foodstuff he loved. I hate that we tried to eat/live so healthily and in the end it didnt matter for him. 

He was health concious and daily ate fruits, not smoker nor alcoholic, still he gone because of illnesses , nothing matters. Now i don't believe, healthy life style brings long life.

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KayC   
15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

There are people on here that are seeing new people after a few months. I can't comprehend this. How can you be grieving to the point that you're in these forums but start something new? I can't even stand to be around my own family for more than 15 minutes at a time. I can't think about anything but Kayla 24/7. It would literally not be possible for me to be with another person even if I wanted to. Which I don't. To each their own I suppose. It's just so strange how differently people handle things.

It's born out of desperate need to have someone there, extreme grief and loneliness which they can't bear.  It's often to escape their grief, but it's not gone, it doesn't leave.  We all handle grief differently, they are grieving no less.

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KayC   
6 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

He was health concious and daily ate fruits, not smoker nor alcoholic, still he gone because of illnesses , nothing matters. Now i don't believe, healthy life style brings long life.

It's all about the odds.  It's not a guarantee of a long life, but it increases your odds.

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KMB   
On 9/10/2017 at 3:57 AM, LoveGoli said:

Now i don't believe, healthy life style brings long life.

I wonder often about this myself. I have a friend who is an orthopedic surgeon. He eats healthy, no ounce of fat on him, doesn't smoke, only has a couple drinks here and there socially and jogs 10 miles a day. He had a heart attack. His annual physicals always came out clean. No high blood pressure or high cholesterol. Even being a doctor, he couldn't figure it out.

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Azipod   

I believe that our life is and everything in the world is destined to happen.  We can only control things so far.  We can switch course.  We can delay things.  We can try to prevent things around.  However, destiny will always find its way back.  

Destiny is like water.   Given enough time, fluid will penetrate everything.    When our roof leaks, we can replace it.  Given enough time, it will find its way through.

I've heard of many people who have "escaped death," only to die a short time later due to some nominal or freak event.  And if those people fully recovered from the first event, then perhaps it was destiny chasing them after all.

I wished I was destined to go with my wife.  I so envy couples who get to die together.

  

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KayC   
1 hour ago, KMB said:

I wonder often about this myself. I have a friend who is an orthopedic surgeon. He eats healthy, no ounce of fat on him, doesn't smoke, only has a couple drinks here and there socially and jogs 10 miles a day. He had a heart attack. His annual physicals always came out clean. No high blood pressure or high cholesterol. Even being a doctor, he couldn't figure it out.

Perhaps it was in his genes. 

I'm not one to think that all of the healthy choices we make are for naught.  There is cause and effect, we do have consequences for our actions, but we also have factors we can't control like genes and not all are dealt the same hand.  I don't think God orchestrates us like puppets, he gave us free reign, we have choice, He didn't force us to love him, He doesn't control our lives, but we do have consequences for our choices.  I know He has the power to intervene but doesn't always do so, we cannot control that, but are left to trust His decision making...He knows more than I do even when I don't understand it.

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KMB   
19 minutes ago, KayC said:

.He knows more than I do even when I don't understand it.

Only God knows, is the truth. And you are right, genetics does play a role. Heart disease runs on my father's side of the family and my grandma, who passed at 71 from a heart attack. It skipped his dad, who lived with no health conditions until the age of 96. But, it got my dad at the age of 34. Got his brother at the age of 65. So far, my heart is healthy and strong at the age of 58.  I guess we just take whatever life dishes out. I hope all our questions are answered when we get to Heaven.  But, maybe, by then, when we see Heaven, none of that will matter.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

I believe that our life is and everything in the world is destined to happen.  We can only control things so far.  We can switch course.  We can delay things.  We can try to prevent things around.  However, destiny will always find its way back.  

Destiny is like water.   Given enough time, fluid will penetrate everything.    When our roof leaks, we can replace it.  Given enough time, it will find its way through.

I've heard of many people who have "escaped death," only to die a short time later due to some nominal or freak event.  And if those people fully recovered from the first event, then perhaps it was destiny chasing them after all.

I wished I was destined to go with my wife.  I so envy couples who get to die together.

  

I don't believe in destiny. No one will ever convince me that it was my wife's time or that she was always going to die when she did. No ******* way.

That said, you should watch the Final Destination movies. Their basic premise is exactly what you're describing. They're dumb, fun Halloween horror movies.

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't believe in destiny. No one will ever convince me that it was my wife's time or that she was always going to die when she did. No ******* way.

That said, you should watch the Final Destination movies. Their basic premise is exactly what you're describing. They're dumb, fun Halloween horror movies.

I cant accept the fact that my boyfriends death was destiny either. But thinking about the two of us meeting and becoming a couple, he always said we were meant to be. 

He started living life to the fullest after we met. Renewed his house furniture, did lots of fixing up, bought a car, we travelled, went to concerts, operas, laughed, had many dreams and plans. Our relationship has turned him into a hopeful better man from the pessimistic guy he used to be. 

I can accept this being destiny. But his untimely passing... How can it be his destiny? So he only started living to die so soon after that? He was destined to find his soulmate and so soon afterwards to die and leave her in agony?

I really would have made peace with this a lot easier if we had 30+ years together. But we really havent had enough of each other and his death is so unfair...

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LoveGoli   
3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I really would have made peace with this a lot easier if we had 30+ years together. But we really havent had enough of each other and his death is so unfair...

30+ years, wow its like dream now, I can give anything for 30 years with him. 

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Azipod   
3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

30+ years, wow its like dream now, I can give anything for 30 years with him. 

It's such a shame. Those out there are still hugging, kissing, and loving each other.... and will continue doing it for a long long time.

why couldn't I have this?

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LoveGoli   
4 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It's such a shame. Those out there are still hugging, kissing, and loving each other.... and will continue doing it for a long long time.

why couldn't I have this?

Life is pain, curse, prison, words cant describe our feelings.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

It's such a shame. Those out there are still hugging, kissing, and loving each other.... and will continue doing it for a long long time.

why couldn't I have this?

I have always envied the old couples holding hands etc. Bruce used to tell me we will end up like them. I dont understand why... My heart aches when I see happy couples around. I hope they dont taste this pain. 

2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Life is pain, curse, prison, words cant describe our feelings.

If only it was possible to be more positive for us. I became such a pessimistic person. 

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Azipod   
9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

If only it was possible to be more positive for us. I became such a pessimistic person. 

I hate to continue to roll onto this forum and be a negative ball of energy.

We all lost a partner.   Not only did we lose a person, we lost our entire life and future.

For others, their heart will ache and they will cry by just ... by just imagining, for 15-seconds, what it would feel like if they were told that they lost their partner.

For us, that "imagination" is our reality.  It is our life.   It is troublesome to think about this unimaginable thought for only 15-seconds.   But for us, we deal with it, for 15-days, then 15-months, then 15-years, and it goes on FOREVER.

Given that, I think it's totally valid for us to be pessimistic.    How am I going to find joy, or "my calling?"     I lost my spouse!   She will never be back.  How can I ever be happy again?   I'm not interested in coping strategies.  Whats the point?   I just want my wife.

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KayC   
20 hours ago, Azipod said:

I'm not interested in coping strategies.  Whats the point?

The point is survival with your best possible chance at it.  The alternative doesn't look too good.

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KMB   
On 9/11/2017 at 5:02 PM, TooDevastated said:

really would have made peace with this a lot easier if we had 30+ years together. But we really havent had enough of each other and his death is so unfair...

Personally, it is not easier. Trust me. My husband and I had 25 years. We had just started dissolving our family business and going into retirement. My husband passed suddenly. Not only was I a total basket case with being in shock and denial, I had to finish  off ending the business. I didn't know if I was making the right decisions with all the paperwork and legalities. My husband wasn't here to help me. I procrastinated on so much that I found myself in a time crunch at tax time with the business stuff. I had such a hard time trying to do the important things which should have been something my husband and I would have done together. Not to mention all the retirement plans flying out the window. I still feel my husband and got cheated out of a lot more time just to be together.

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My mum has invited my cousins to dinner without telling me, informing them of my boyfriends death without telling me. I wasnt ready to share this with them yet. I am not ready talk to anyone about this that I dont have to yet. I hated tonight. I hate mum for taking the liberty to make these decisions in my place. I hated peoples pity faces. I hated trying so hard not to cry in front of everyone. I hated trying to keep a straight face and listening to their plans. I hated their comments about how I seem to be handling this fine! I couldnt stop crying since they left. I think Im having a sort of panic attack.

Nothing stops this pain. Im irreversibly hurt. I need him to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be OK. I need to see him. I miss him too much. How sad he would have been to see me like this. I need him back in my arms... This is just too hard.

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14 minutes ago, KMB said:

Personally, it is not easier. Trust me. My husband and I had 25 years. We had just started dissolving our family business and going into retirement. My husband passed suddenly. Not only was I a total basket case with being in shock and denial, I had to finish  off ending the business. I didn't know if I was making the right decisions with all the paperwork and legalities. My husband wasn't here to help me. I procrastinated on so much that I found myself in a time crunch at tax time with the business stuff. I had such a hard time trying to do the important things which should have been something my husband and I would have done together. Not to mention all the retirement plans flying out the window. I still feel my husband and got cheated out of a lot more time just to be together.

I guess its tough to lose them at every stage. But we didnt get to have kids. We didnt get to have our wedding. We didnt get to have the holidays we planned out. And now, I have to live not only in his absence but with the fact that I will never have those things. I'll have to force myself to live everyday every hour with no motivation with so many years ahead of me. What the hell am I to do for a potential 50+ years in this world now?

His family wont even let me have his pet nor any of his ashes. They will scatter them somewhere far. They are selling his house. The house he spent so much time fixing so it our home one day. I have got no pieces of him left. I loved him the most and I am left nothing from him. I am glad we gave each other so many gifts and reminders and clothes and spent almost everyday at my place and took photos together. Without those, I probably would have wondered if he existed or I had imagined all those years.

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LoveGoli   
3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I'll have to force myself to live everyday every hour with no motivation with so many years ahead of me. What the hell am I to do for a potential 50+ years in this world now?

 

Motivation is all gone, I don't know why I wake up early and get ready for work, I asked every morning to myself , why I am doing this and for whom. Now I notice old women in road more often and I am so afraid what if I have to live till I get old. Its like life imprisonment (without knowing what our crime was) and have to pass our time here to meet them 

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

Motivation is all gone, I don't know why I wake up early and get ready for work, I asked every morning to myself , why I am doing this and for whom. Now I notice old women in road more often and I am so afraid what if I have to live till I get old. Its like life imprisonment (without knowing what our crime was) and have to pass our time here to meet them 

It is scary to think about the future.   Thinking about making it through one day at a time is no longer a problem.  I know that I can make it one day at a time.   But each day keeps repeating itself.  I am scared.   What's going to happen to my life in 5 months?  5 years?  5 decades?     I've lost all hope.   Maybe this overwhelming sadness will take my body down.  It wouldn't be so bad.

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