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TooDevastated

Two Months...

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It's been two months today since my boyfriend had suddenly died of an heart attack. I cannot believe that all it takes is a few months for traces of someone to be erased from the world altogether. Everyone is back to living their lives. I realised even his siblings and his mother is moving on. For me, it's impossible to go back to living my life because the most important and valuable part of it has been taken from me. I am still in pieces, still so hurt and still cry for hours everyday. I will carry the heartbreak of being unable to achieve our dreams and plans together for as I long as I live. 

Even the smallest things make me break into tears. Sitting on the sofa I bought last year, I remember how he used to tease me about girls loving cushions too much. Seeing my plants, I remember how much he loved looking after his own. I go to kitchen and see all the tin herbal tea boxes and cups he gave me. I see things that remind me of him everywhere. I turn the TV on to distract myself and see a nature show (he was a nature man and loved those shows) and realise we will never be able have the safari trip we always wanted. I see things that reminds me of the jokes we used to make together. The cute stuff that he would have liked. I miss him terribly. I miss his rib-cracking hugs. I miss holding his hand and walking and looking around together. I miss the way he looked at me, like I was the prettiest thing on earth. I miss getting under a blanket and getting warm. My bed is so cold now. I have to put on a movie or a video on my laptop by my bedside so I can sleep to the sound of that without feeling too lonely. It's hard trying not to remember how he rubbed my hair and held me everynight. How we used to wake each other with kisses. Its all gone. All the happiness is in my life is gone with him. The only man I loved and the only one I will ever love, he is all ashes now. 

I spent all my twenties with him. We have been together for over four years. He was my first everything and the only thing I couldnt live without. He supported me through all the difficulties I encountered through my graduation from college, finding a job, family problems, financial problems, everything. It's too hard living without it now (if we can call this new sort of existence a living). We have been through so much to make our relationship possible and finally worked out everything. We were finally ready to plan our wedding and he suddenly died. 

He was only 35 and I cant stop asking why. Why did this tragedy happen to him? To us? We were the happiest couple ever. All of our friends said so. We rarely argued, and we knew to apologise in those cases. We appreciated every moment we had together as if we knew we had so limited time together. 

He used to say I was the only real family he had and that I was the only person that loved him so much. We got close with his sister after he died and she told me something that crushed me. Their mum told Bruce that she made an appointment for an abortion when she found out about being pregnant with him but their dad convinced her not to go through with it. He was just a child when she told her this. After hearing about this, I started remembering things. How he told me his pet rabbit was the baby excluded by the mother rabbit. So he took the baby in and took such a fantastic care of it. He had a soft spot for all the baby animals being excluded by their family. It breaks me to think that he must have felt so excluded losing his dad at the age of 5 and then finding out his mum never wanted him. I just want to hold him and tell him he was so wanted and he was so loved and I was so lucky to have him. It's so unfair that he was so helpful and compassionate but rarely got any from those around him. It's so unfair we didnt have many years to spend together. 

After I his death, I was diagnosed with arrythmia in my heart and then my kidneys started aching. I dont even want to see a doctor for it. I just want the period of my life without him to be brief. I wanna be gone to where he is. The pain wont get any less. The more I miss him, the more it hurts. 

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LoveGoli   
24 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

 

I spent all my twenties with him. We have been together for over four years. He was my first everything and the only thing I couldnt live without. He supported me through all the difficulties I encountered through my graduation from college, finding a job, family problems, financial problems, everything. It's too hard living without it now (if we can call this new sort of existence a living). We have been through so much to make our relationship possible and finally worked out everything. We were finally ready to plan our wedding and he suddenly died. 

Same like you described, its two months for me today also and i am missing him so much. Today two months before we were rushing to hospital and i never thought that time he would never come back with me.

He was just 30 and left me due to chickenpox, can you imagine someone die because of this illness. 

Every morning when i wake up and see his lunchbox,i cried inside its so painfull. I can not describe my feelings in words , we are just existing now not living. I am waiting that some disease or  heart attack happen to me so that i can meet my goli but i m healthy and i hate this.

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3 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

He was just 30 and left me due to chickenpox, can you imagine someone die because of this illness. 

It's so silly, isnt it? My boyfreind died while playing football with his mates. He played every week before that. It's so silly and doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. 

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LoveGoli   
8 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

It's so silly, isnt it? My boyfreind died while playing football with his mates. He played every week before that. It's so silly and doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. 

Sometime i thought,  god did some kind of mistake it was not my goli's turn or he did not find any other reason to separate us so he just take my goli's life by this type of ****.

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Cela   
3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

 I miss him terribly. I miss his rib-cracking hugs. I miss holding his hand and walking and looking around together. I miss the way he looked at me, like I was the prettiest thing on earth. 

I could have written this myself. I'm 25 now and so I also have spent my 20s with my husband. I am just over 2 months and the pain has seemed to increase. I wish I knew what I am supposed to do now. Life feels meaningless and trivial without him. 

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KayC   

TooDevastated,

I find with sorrow, reading your story, how similar it is to all of ours your feelings about him, your thoughts now...I, like you, asked "why" a thousand times why, I finally quit asking, there was no answer, nothing that made any sense.  I wish for you, for all of us, some peace. and lots of strength.  We hang in there hoping for something to change, something to feel better, for hope to emerge, we continue to wait, look for, hope...

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June   

Sunday was 2 months for me also.  I'm still watching the clock almost every day at 12:25 pm.  I had sat by his bedside for days and days until the end.  I had been his caregiver for many years.  I'm just so lost now.  :( 

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Azipod   

TooDevasted,

It's 2 months and 4-days for me today.   Today has been a terrible day.  I'm still at work, but I decided to stroll the forum because my heart aches.  

I am missing my wife so much.  I keep thinking about how it's already been so many days without hers.  Even though I have survived these days, the pain is still as fresh and day #1, if not worse.   It's probably worse since the shock has worn off.   The shock goes away, but the pain has intensified.   I dread the conscious reminders that my wife is no longer here, and will never be back ever ever again.   It's really beating me up hard.

I also don't think that it helped that yesterday was the first holiday we did not get to spend together.  I managed to make it through the day by keeping busy.  I got through the night by having dinner with a friend who lived an hour away.   With dinner, and the travel, I was so glad I was able to wipe out my entire evening.   I'm not sure how I would have made it through last night if I had stayed home alone.

You are so correct about the smallest things that brings us tears.  Aside from not having our loved ones, the most difficult things are in fact, EVERYTHING.   There is not one single thing.  But its EVERYTHING.    Like you had mentioned, it's the plants, the things you bought together, the cute little reminders, their hugs, and like you said, the way and fashion in which you spent your time together.   

It's really terrible. And I feel that there are a lot of good people out there that try to support us.  The sad truth is that other losses are not the same as losing your spouse or partner.  There was someone really nice at work that expressed their condolenscene to me the other week.  She said she understood how I felt because she went through grief a while ago when she lost her mother.    I did not response negatively.   But really?   I don't think you can compare losing a parent to losing your spouse/partner.   It's totally different.

Here, we grieve every second, every minute, and every hour of the day.   We carry our pain around 24/7.   We didn't just lose the love of our life. We lost our identity, our future, our security, and our life.  We are affected FOREVER.  It never goes away.

It is really sad.  Even my in-laws are beginning to recover and are continuing on.   I know they are 100% supportive of me, but I don't think they truly understand how I feel.  The other night, my mother in-law suggested that I stop going to therapy after I complete this upcoming 8-week spouse/partner loss grief support group I am joining at the end of the month.   She said that every time I go, I am "reopening up my wounds" and she suggested that I stop revisiting the pain.     This suggestion in itself made me realize she had no idea what I am going through.   I am in pain every second!!    My wounds never will close!    It has always been painful.  It always will be.    Just because I made it through 2 months doesn't mean I've recovered.   I'm just learning how to live with the pain.     My wounds will always be open!

I am so glad that we all have each other here.   We've embarked on a journey which only those, who are on this very same journey, can understand.

 

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LoveGoli   
3 hours ago, Azipod said:

I'm just learning how to live with the pain

Life is best teacher who is teaching us to live in pain, which no other teach can teach us. 

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KylieL   
17 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Even the smallest things make me break into tears.

Everything reminds me of him. I sometimes look at the things I bought because of him and think how ridiculous it is that those things are still here but my boyfriend's gone. 

17 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I spent all my twenties with him. We have been together for over four years. He was my first everything and the only thing I couldnt live without. He supported me through all the difficulties I encountered through my graduation from college, finding a job, family problems, financial problems, everything. It's too hard living without it now (if we can call this new sort of existence a living). We have been through so much to make our relationship possible and finally worked out everything. We were finally ready to plan our wedding and he suddenly died. 

He was only 35 and I cant stop asking why. Why did this tragedy happen to him? To us? We were the happiest couple ever. All of our friends said so. We rarely argued, and we knew to apologise in those cases. We appreciated every moment we had together as if we knew we had so limited time together. 

We have been together for only a year, but I feel the same. Last year was tough for me, I made it because my boyfriend supported me through it. I don't know how to live without him. We were finally going to work on our plans and he suddenly died. It's also 2 months for me and I still look at his last message from that day saying he would be back at 9 pm. I know he will never come back but I always feel like waiting when it's 9 pm. 

It's terrible. None of us deserves it but it happened to us. I stopped asking why lately because I know there's no answer for it. I also hope my life can be shorter so I can be with him again. I can't find any words to comfort you because I feel the same way. But we have each other here and all of us understand.

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Eagle-96   
On 9/5/2017 at 7:06 AM, TooDevastated said:

It's been two months today since my boyfriend had suddenly died of an heart attack. I cannot believe that all it takes is a few months for traces of someone to be erased from the world altogether. Everyone is back to living their lives. I realised even his siblings and his mother is moving on. For me, it's impossible to go back to living my life because the most important and valuable part of it has been taken from me. I am still in pieces, still so hurt and still cry for hours everyday. I will carry the heartbreak of being unable to achieve our dreams and plans together for as I long as I live. 

Althought his family may seem to appear as though they are moving on, they may just be wearing the mask really well. There is probably someone that thinks you are very strong or that you are doing really well in your grief even though you hurt so badly. Those masks we wear publicly can easily fool those around us into thinking we are grieving well. I have to stop down and do a reset every now and then. I have to remember to check on my friends and family to find out how they are really doing. It helps me to grasp their reality and also helps them to know that someone genuinely cares about their grief. It's easy for me to get lost in my grief only to catch a friend in a breakdown moment when I though they were ok. 

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Azipod   
9 hours ago, KylieL said:

I also hope my life can be shorter so I can be with him again. 

I feel like this everyday.  I feel that I've lost my purpose.  Before, I take care of myself, I plan for the future, and I try hard everyday so that my wife and I can enjoy our present and future together.   Now, there's really no point.   I don't have any dependents.  There is no one that relies on me.  There is no one that needs me to love them.

My belief in the spiritual world does not allow suicides as an "exit," but not that I want to go this way anyway.   But I just wished something, some illness, would just take me away, quickly.

I don't need to be here anymore.

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KayC   

It took me probably three years just to process his death, it is very hard to realize and absorb such trauma.  It took me even more years to find purpose and more years yet to build a life I can live...I am continually working on it.  I'm working on building friendships...all of my old friends are gone and others yet died or moved.  This is quite a journey...

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On 06.09.2017 at 0:50 AM, Azipod said:

You are so correct about the smallest things that brings us tears.  Aside from not having our loved ones, the most difficult things are in fact, EVERYTHING.   There is not one single thing.  But its EVERYTHING.    Like you had mentioned, it's the plants, the things you bought together, the cute little reminders, their hugs, and like you said, the way and fashion in which you spent your time together.   

It's really terrible. And I feel that there are a lot of good people out there that try to support us.  The sad truth is that other losses are not the same as losing your spouse or partner.  There was someone really nice at work that expressed their condolenscene to me the other week.  She said she understood how I felt because she went through grief a while ago when she lost her mother.    I did not response negatively.   But really?   I don't think you can compare losing a parent to losing your spouse/partner.   It's totally different.

Here, we grieve every second, every minute, and every hour of the day.   We carry our pain around 24/7.   We didn't just lose the love of our life. We lost our identity, our future, our security, and our life.  We are affected FOREVER.  It never goes away.

I'm so SO sorry for all of us sharing this excruciating pain. We were all teams of two. And the only other person that could understand the extent of our loss is gone. 

I am sure the pain of losing a parent isnt easy. But I think it's more natural. I expected to experience the loss of a parent at some point in my life. And I would have siblings to share that pain with. But I never thought my partner would die so young. The loss of a parent is totally different than losing your partner. Our lives are ripped apart, meaningless and purposeless. And yes. I definitely lost my identity and future and all the things you mentioned. 

I used to take such a great care of myself. Now whats the point? I like you have noone depending on me. I wanted to get his pet rabbit but his sister insisted to keep him. I can tell his siblings and mother are moving on. They have kids and partners and uninterrupted life plans. It's me who has taken the worst blow. 

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On 06.09.2017 at 9:01 AM, KylieL said:

We have been together for only a year, but I feel the same. Last year was tough for me, I made it because my boyfriend supported me through it. I don't know how to live without him. We were finally going to work on our plans and he suddenly died. It's also 2 months for me and I still look at his last message from that day saying he would be back at 9 pm. I know he will never come back but I always feel like waiting when it's 9 pm. 

I'm sorry you feel the way I do... I wouldnt wish that on anyone... I hate everyone telling me he was only a boyfriend. We have been together over 4 years (NOT that I believe time matters in these matters. Its the affection and closeness that really counts). I dont even remember what I used to be like before I met him. I was just a kid starting her 20s I guess. 

He wanted to get married for years. It was me who wanted to wait so we could save more money and plan a perfect wedding. And I will regret that for the rest of my life...

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19 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Althought his family may seem to appear as though they are moving on, they may just be wearing the mask really well. There is probably someone that thinks you are very strong or that you are doing really well in your grief even though you hurt so badly. Those masks we wear publicly can easily fool those around us into thinking we are grieving well. I have to stop down and do a reset every now and then. I have to remember to check on my friends and family to find out how they are really doing. It helps me to grasp their reality and also helps them to know that someone genuinely cares about their grief. It's easy for me to get lost in my grief only to catch a friend in a breakdown moment when I though they were ok. 

The things is, they are all continuing their lives. As they should I know...

They have got their wives and husbands and kids and holiday plans. Even his mother seems to be doing fine. His death wasnt as big a loss to them as it was to me. He wasnt very close to them anyway. But we shared everyday together. Made ALL of our plans together. That's why all my life has collapsed. I have got no motivation to go on to be honest. 

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16 hours ago, KayC said:

It took me probably three years just to process his death, it is very hard to realize and absorb such trauma.  It took me even more years to find purpose and more years yet to build a life I can live...I am continually working on it.  I'm working on building friendships...all of my old friends are gone and others yet died or moved.  This is quite a journey...

This makes me feel uneasy about whatever sort of future I have now. So years and years will pass and I will stay on the same spot crippled and aching trying not to remember glimpses of my old perfect life. I dont care for friends that much... I spent all my time with Bruce and wasnt close to many of them anyways.       

KayC, you're really brave to face this everyday for 12 years. I just wish to die as soon as possible so this absurd, empty, and pointless life will be over and I'll meet with him again. 

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LoveGoli   
33 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I am sure the pain of losing a parent isnt easy. But I think it's more natural. I expected to experience the loss of a parent at some point in my life. And I would have siblings to share that pain with. But I never thought my partner would die so young. The loss of a parent is totally different than losing your partner.

Yes loosing a partner is totally different than loosing parent. I can see this in front of my eyes, I am the one who lost her partner and in same team we have one member who lost his mother. I must say he is doing good. I know we love our parents but the love, future we share with our partner is totally different. That man in my office doing good, focusing on work, normal things like he used to do, while I cry all the time and miss my husband and cry sometime in front of other team member. We expect loosing parent at some point of our life because they get old by the time (I am sorry , If my words hurt someone),  but loosing your partner at young age, you do not expect, even can't imagine. Your present, future everything gone with your partner. If you loose your parent you have your siblings to share the same pain, you have your partner who comfort you, you can cry on his shoulder, but when you loose your partner, you are the only one who feel this immense pain no other person feel the way you feeling. None of their life change, the only life changed is yours.

 

39 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I dont even remember what I used to be like before I met him. I was just a kid starting her 20s

Yes, I was also in my 20's when we start dating and now I have no idea how I was used to live my life earlier before meeting him.

 

29 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

This makes me feel uneasy about whatever sort of future I have now. So years and years will pass and I will stay on the same spot crippled and aching trying not to remember glimpses of my old perfect life. I dont care for friends that much... I spent all my time with Bruce and wasnt close to many of them anyways.

Thinking about future scared me too,  years and years will pass and I will live in this hell, no idea if I ever feel better. I also have only my Goli, I don't have any friends here, he was my only friend with whom I shared all my feelings but now I don't have any and  no idea if I ever find any.  He sat the bar very high and no one can match that bar.

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Eagle-96   
3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

The things is, they are all continuing their lives. As they should I know...

They have got their wives and husbands and kids and holiday plans. Even his mother seems to be doing fine. His death wasnt as big a loss to them as it was to me. He wasnt very close to them anyway. But we shared everyday together. Made ALL of our plans together. That's why all my life has collapsed. I have got no motivation to go on to be honest. 

I just wanted to provide some perspective that appearances are not always what they seem. There is no doubt that losing a soulmate is the most difficult experience anyone can go through. I thought my parents were doing ok with Lori's passing. I had a frank discussion with them last night and they are more devastated than I knew. They are crushed and said if it weren't for the fact that they babysit their great grandson most days they are not sure how they would make it. It really opened my eyes to the fact that people really wear the mask well sometimes. 

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KayC   
7 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

KayC, you're really brave to face this everyday for 12 years. I just wish to die as soon as possible so this absurd, empty, and pointless life will be over and I'll meet with him again.

I don't think brave is the word...what choice do we have?  I'm not taking my life.  I want to ensure we spend eternity together and give it my best shot at it.

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30 minutes ago, KayC said:

I don't think brave is the word...what choice do we have?  I'm not taking my life.  I want to ensure we spend eternity together and give it my best shot at it.

I go to work, I put a better face for people/friends. But I lost my ability to make plans, I definitely lost my ability to invest any emotion in people. The world as I knew and trusted it is gone. Whatever plans I make, they might be taken away from me any second. Everything is just too damn unpredictable regardless of how hard I try, how hard I work. So I have no desire to meet new people, make new friends or make plans...

I have been called weak, been told I act like a spoilt little girl and been told that I must be so vulnerable that I cant handle this (seemingly bearable) difficulty... I cant believe how people can be so cruel but I am expected to be back to a "normal" life after 2 months, and I am called a weak character for not being able to move on already! 

I'm not taking my life as I want to be reunited as you. But that doesnt stop me from eating/drinking unhealthy stuff (barely eat anyway), starting smoking etc. Just all the passive ways of shortening my life span. My body isnt handling the stress well either. My heart had developed an arrythmia and now somethings up with my kidneys. I just plan to shorten the time I have by not taking the best care of myself. I cant do this for another 50 years. 

 

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Eagle-96   
5 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I go to work, I put a better face for people/friends. But I lost my ability to make plans, I definitely lost my ability to invest any emotion in people. The world as I knew and trusted it is gone. Whatever plans I make, they might be taken away from me any second. Everything is just too damn unpredictable regardless of how hard I try, how hard I work. So I have no desire to meet new people, make new friends or make plans...

I have been called weak, been told I act like a spoilt little girl and been told that I must be so vulnerable that I cant handle this (seemingly bearable) difficulty... I cant believe how people can be so cruel but I am expected to be back to a "normal" life after 2 months, and I am called a weak character for not being able to move on already! 

I'm not taking my life as I want to be reunited as you. But that doesnt stop me from eating/drinking unhealthy stuff (barely eat anyway), starting smoking etc. Just all the passive ways of shortening my life span. My body isnt handling the stress well either. My heart had developed an arrythmia and now somethings up with my kidneys. I just plan to shorten the time I have by not taking the best care of myself. I cant do this for another 50 years. 

 

The people who call you weak fall into the small percentage of humanity that are mean for the sake of being mean. Most behaviors in life make sense to me. Anger when we are wronged. Sadness when we lose someone. Fear in the face of danger. But when people are mean, vile, and disgusting, just because they can be, makes no sense to me. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that type of action. To be hurtful because you want to be and simply don't care for others just doesn't compute.

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Azipod   

I'm like a duck. I look calm above the water but underneath, I'm paddling like hell.

most people out there don't have the slightest clue what we go through each day.

 

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Azipod   

This journey is getting more scary by the day.  I've been without my wife for 9 weeks now.  It's tough, I barely made it through.

Now, I'm wondering how I'm going to make it without her for the next 9 years, then another 9, and another 9 after that.

Sometimes I just wished she sees how difficult this is for me.

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59 minutes ago, Azipod said:

This journey is getting more scary by the day.  I've been without my wife for 9 weeks now.  It's tough, I barely made it through.

Now, I'm wondering how I'm going to make it without her for the next 9 years, then another 9, and another 9 after that.

Sometimes I just wished she sees how difficult this is for me.

I dont even wanna be there for christmas let alone decades. He used to say I was the only thing he wanted for christmas... I seriously dont know how to make it without him.

I hate waking up in the morning and realising the reason I feel shitty is because he is dead. I live the pain all over again every morning

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