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Two Months...


TooDevastated

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Dying is absolutely not the worst thing that can happen to me right now.

It is the best thing can happen to us right now. I read somewhere in forum that life on earth will be end soon and it makes me feel so good and relief that hopefully this would be true so that i can meet my goli. Sorry for being so selfish.

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18 hours ago, KayC said:

TooDevastated,

I hope you'll consider a grief support group, at least you could make a new friend there.  I know it's soon but you need to have someone on your side, someone who gets it, someone who will look you in the eye and BE THERE for you.
At the very least, I hope you are able to be assertive and correct these people, which I know can be exhausting, and stand up for yourself, it's also liberating and empowering.  For someone to ask if you're seeing someone at this time is horrible!  OMG!  Would they start seeing someone if suddenly their husband was jerked from them?!  Are people idiots?!  Good grief!

I have looked for frief support groups but couldnt find one in my area yet. But I am seeing a therapist. I dont think its doing any wonders though.

I am assertive and have always stood up for myself and my beliefs. I tell these people its rude to make these comments and that they should hope never to be in my shoes in their lives. But its exhausting enough to be in this pain! Why do I have to tell people whats acceptable and whats not? Cant they tell they are hurting my feelings? Cant I expect the smallest support? The people being rude at work mostly think they are competing with me! How professional! My performance drop might get them a promotion so they try to make sure I stay in this mood for as long as possible... 

People are horrible. They just look for how they can benefit from every situation...

 

 

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4 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

The people being rude at work mostly think they are competing with me! How professional! My performance drop might get them a promotion so they try to make sure I stay in this mood for as long as possible... 

People are horrible. They just look for how they can benefit from every situation...

Same thing happening with me in my office. Even my manager said its been two months now start work like you did earlier and improve performance, for them its two months but for me its just two months. They are not in our shoe so they won't understand.

It makes me sad, how easily they can say its two months, emotionless peoples.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

We just loved spending time with each other.  We didn't have to shower each other with the tangible things. 

I think this indicates how truly we were soulmates. We only needed simple stuff to have an extraordinary day. Our togetherness was enough to keep us going for a lifetime. 

2 hours ago, Azipod said:

Every day, I run into things or experiences I see.  I get so excited to think that I will be talking to my wife about it.  Then one second later, BAM!  I get hit in the face with a reminder that she's no longer here.

I keep taking seeing cute/interesting things during the day. I make mental notes to tell him about these imagining how excited he'll be! And then, just like you said, one second later, it hits me.

I do everything I can to passively shorten my life. No supplements, exercise, gym, forcing myself to drink water, healthy meals, fruit snacks... None of those anymore. I barely eat (once or twice a day) and when I do its always unhealthy stuff.

I hate seeing the foodstuff he loved. I hate that we tried to eat/live so healthily and in the end it didnt matter for him. 

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53 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

It is the best thing can happen to us right now. I read somewhere in forum that life on earth will be end soon and it makes me feel so good and relief that hopefully this would be true so that i can meet my goli. Sorry for being so selfish.

I definitely understand your feelings. How wonderful it would be to have the world end altogether.. It sure feels like that anyway.

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14 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I hate seeing the foodstuff he loved. I hate that we tried to eat/live so healthily and in the end it didnt matter for him. 

He was health concious and daily ate fruits, not smoker nor alcoholic, still he gone because of illnesses , nothing matters. Now i don't believe, healthy life style brings long life.

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15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

There are people on here that are seeing new people after a few months. I can't comprehend this. How can you be grieving to the point that you're in these forums but start something new? I can't even stand to be around my own family for more than 15 minutes at a time. I can't think about anything but Kayla 24/7. It would literally not be possible for me to be with another person even if I wanted to. Which I don't. To each their own I suppose. It's just so strange how differently people handle things.

It's born out of desperate need to have someone there, extreme grief and loneliness which they can't bear.  It's often to escape their grief, but it's not gone, it doesn't leave.  We all handle grief differently, they are grieving no less.

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6 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

He was health concious and daily ate fruits, not smoker nor alcoholic, still he gone because of illnesses , nothing matters. Now i don't believe, healthy life style brings long life.

It's all about the odds.  It's not a guarantee of a long life, but it increases your odds.

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On 9/10/2017 at 3:57 AM, LoveGoli said:

Now i don't believe, healthy life style brings long life.

I wonder often about this myself. I have a friend who is an orthopedic surgeon. He eats healthy, no ounce of fat on him, doesn't smoke, only has a couple drinks here and there socially and jogs 10 miles a day. He had a heart attack. His annual physicals always came out clean. No high blood pressure or high cholesterol. Even being a doctor, he couldn't figure it out.

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I believe that our life is and everything in the world is destined to happen.  We can only control things so far.  We can switch course.  We can delay things.  We can try to prevent things around.  However, destiny will always find its way back.  

Destiny is like water.   Given enough time, fluid will penetrate everything.    When our roof leaks, we can replace it.  Given enough time, it will find its way through.

I've heard of many people who have "escaped death," only to die a short time later due to some nominal or freak event.  And if those people fully recovered from the first event, then perhaps it was destiny chasing them after all.

I wished I was destined to go with my wife.  I so envy couples who get to die together.

  

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I wonder often about this myself. I have a friend who is an orthopedic surgeon. He eats healthy, no ounce of fat on him, doesn't smoke, only has a couple drinks here and there socially and jogs 10 miles a day. He had a heart attack. His annual physicals always came out clean. No high blood pressure or high cholesterol. Even being a doctor, he couldn't figure it out.

Perhaps it was in his genes. 

I'm not one to think that all of the healthy choices we make are for naught.  There is cause and effect, we do have consequences for our actions, but we also have factors we can't control like genes and not all are dealt the same hand.  I don't think God orchestrates us like puppets, he gave us free reign, we have choice, He didn't force us to love him, He doesn't control our lives, but we do have consequences for our choices.  I know He has the power to intervene but doesn't always do so, we cannot control that, but are left to trust His decision making...He knows more than I do even when I don't understand it.

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19 minutes ago, KayC said:

.He knows more than I do even when I don't understand it.

Only God knows, is the truth. And you are right, genetics does play a role. Heart disease runs on my father's side of the family and my grandma, who passed at 71 from a heart attack. It skipped his dad, who lived with no health conditions until the age of 96. But, it got my dad at the age of 34. Got his brother at the age of 65. So far, my heart is healthy and strong at the age of 58.  I guess we just take whatever life dishes out. I hope all our questions are answered when we get to Heaven.  But, maybe, by then, when we see Heaven, none of that will matter.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

I believe that our life is and everything in the world is destined to happen.  We can only control things so far.  We can switch course.  We can delay things.  We can try to prevent things around.  However, destiny will always find its way back.  

Destiny is like water.   Given enough time, fluid will penetrate everything.    When our roof leaks, we can replace it.  Given enough time, it will find its way through.

I've heard of many people who have "escaped death," only to die a short time later due to some nominal or freak event.  And if those people fully recovered from the first event, then perhaps it was destiny chasing them after all.

I wished I was destined to go with my wife.  I so envy couples who get to die together.

  

I don't believe in destiny. No one will ever convince me that it was my wife's time or that she was always going to die when she did. No ******* way.

That said, you should watch the Final Destination movies. Their basic premise is exactly what you're describing. They're dumb, fun Halloween horror movies.

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't believe in destiny. No one will ever convince me that it was my wife's time or that she was always going to die when she did. No ******* way.

That said, you should watch the Final Destination movies. Their basic premise is exactly what you're describing. They're dumb, fun Halloween horror movies.

I cant accept the fact that my boyfriends death was destiny either. But thinking about the two of us meeting and becoming a couple, he always said we were meant to be. 

He started living life to the fullest after we met. Renewed his house furniture, did lots of fixing up, bought a car, we travelled, went to concerts, operas, laughed, had many dreams and plans. Our relationship has turned him into a hopeful better man from the pessimistic guy he used to be. 

I can accept this being destiny. But his untimely passing... How can it be his destiny? So he only started living to die so soon after that? He was destined to find his soulmate and so soon afterwards to die and leave her in agony?

I really would have made peace with this a lot easier if we had 30+ years together. But we really havent had enough of each other and his death is so unfair...

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I really would have made peace with this a lot easier if we had 30+ years together. But we really havent had enough of each other and his death is so unfair...

30+ years, wow its like dream now, I can give anything for 30 years with him. 

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

30+ years, wow its like dream now, I can give anything for 30 years with him. 

It's such a shame. Those out there are still hugging, kissing, and loving each other.... and will continue doing it for a long long time.

why couldn't I have this?

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4 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It's such a shame. Those out there are still hugging, kissing, and loving each other.... and will continue doing it for a long long time.

why couldn't I have this?

Life is pain, curse, prison, words cant describe our feelings.

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

It's such a shame. Those out there are still hugging, kissing, and loving each other.... and will continue doing it for a long long time.

why couldn't I have this?

I have always envied the old couples holding hands etc. Bruce used to tell me we will end up like them. I dont understand why... My heart aches when I see happy couples around. I hope they dont taste this pain. 

2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Life is pain, curse, prison, words cant describe our feelings.

If only it was possible to be more positive for us. I became such a pessimistic person. 

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9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

If only it was possible to be more positive for us. I became such a pessimistic person. 

I hate to continue to roll onto this forum and be a negative ball of energy.

We all lost a partner.   Not only did we lose a person, we lost our entire life and future.

For others, their heart will ache and they will cry by just ... by just imagining, for 15-seconds, what it would feel like if they were told that they lost their partner.

For us, that "imagination" is our reality.  It is our life.   It is troublesome to think about this unimaginable thought for only 15-seconds.   But for us, we deal with it, for 15-days, then 15-months, then 15-years, and it goes on FOREVER.

Given that, I think it's totally valid for us to be pessimistic.    How am I going to find joy, or "my calling?"     I lost my spouse!   She will never be back.  How can I ever be happy again?   I'm not interested in coping strategies.  Whats the point?   I just want my wife.

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20 hours ago, Azipod said:

I'm not interested in coping strategies.  Whats the point?

The point is survival with your best possible chance at it.  The alternative doesn't look too good.

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On 9/11/2017 at 5:02 PM, TooDevastated said:

really would have made peace with this a lot easier if we had 30+ years together. But we really havent had enough of each other and his death is so unfair...

Personally, it is not easier. Trust me. My husband and I had 25 years. We had just started dissolving our family business and going into retirement. My husband passed suddenly. Not only was I a total basket case with being in shock and denial, I had to finish  off ending the business. I didn't know if I was making the right decisions with all the paperwork and legalities. My husband wasn't here to help me. I procrastinated on so much that I found myself in a time crunch at tax time with the business stuff. I had such a hard time trying to do the important things which should have been something my husband and I would have done together. Not to mention all the retirement plans flying out the window. I still feel my husband and got cheated out of a lot more time just to be together.

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My mum has invited my cousins to dinner without telling me, informing them of my boyfriends death without telling me. I wasnt ready to share this with them yet. I am not ready talk to anyone about this that I dont have to yet. I hated tonight. I hate mum for taking the liberty to make these decisions in my place. I hated peoples pity faces. I hated trying so hard not to cry in front of everyone. I hated trying to keep a straight face and listening to their plans. I hated their comments about how I seem to be handling this fine! I couldnt stop crying since they left. I think Im having a sort of panic attack.

Nothing stops this pain. Im irreversibly hurt. I need him to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be OK. I need to see him. I miss him too much. How sad he would have been to see me like this. I need him back in my arms... This is just too hard.

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14 minutes ago, KMB said:

Personally, it is not easier. Trust me. My husband and I had 25 years. We had just started dissolving our family business and going into retirement. My husband passed suddenly. Not only was I a total basket case with being in shock and denial, I had to finish  off ending the business. I didn't know if I was making the right decisions with all the paperwork and legalities. My husband wasn't here to help me. I procrastinated on so much that I found myself in a time crunch at tax time with the business stuff. I had such a hard time trying to do the important things which should have been something my husband and I would have done together. Not to mention all the retirement plans flying out the window. I still feel my husband and got cheated out of a lot more time just to be together.

I guess its tough to lose them at every stage. But we didnt get to have kids. We didnt get to have our wedding. We didnt get to have the holidays we planned out. And now, I have to live not only in his absence but with the fact that I will never have those things. I'll have to force myself to live everyday every hour with no motivation with so many years ahead of me. What the hell am I to do for a potential 50+ years in this world now?

His family wont even let me have his pet nor any of his ashes. They will scatter them somewhere far. They are selling his house. The house he spent so much time fixing so it our home one day. I have got no pieces of him left. I loved him the most and I am left nothing from him. I am glad we gave each other so many gifts and reminders and clothes and spent almost everyday at my place and took photos together. Without those, I probably would have wondered if he existed or I had imagined all those years.

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I'll have to force myself to live everyday every hour with no motivation with so many years ahead of me. What the hell am I to do for a potential 50+ years in this world now?

 

Motivation is all gone, I don't know why I wake up early and get ready for work, I asked every morning to myself , why I am doing this and for whom. Now I notice old women in road more often and I am so afraid what if I have to live till I get old. Its like life imprisonment (without knowing what our crime was) and have to pass our time here to meet them 

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

Motivation is all gone, I don't know why I wake up early and get ready for work, I asked every morning to myself , why I am doing this and for whom. Now I notice old women in road more often and I am so afraid what if I have to live till I get old. Its like life imprisonment (without knowing what our crime was) and have to pass our time here to meet them 

It is scary to think about the future.   Thinking about making it through one day at a time is no longer a problem.  I know that I can make it one day at a time.   But each day keeps repeating itself.  I am scared.   What's going to happen to my life in 5 months?  5 years?  5 decades?     I've lost all hope.   Maybe this overwhelming sadness will take my body down.  It wouldn't be so bad.

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11 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Maybe this overwhelming sadness will take my body down.  It wouldn't be so bad.

This is what I want, may my soul leave my body soon and this imprisonment stop.  The difference in prison and our life is , in prison you have other prisoners and here we are the only prisoner , rest other are free, living their life fullest.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

This is what I want, may my soul leave my body soon and this imprisonment stop.  The difference in prison and our life is , in prison you have other prisoners and here we are the only prisoner , rest other are free, living their life fullest.

Its so sad that our death is the only thing we long for now... But death is certainly better than our pointless lonely lives.

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2 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Its so sad that our death is the only thing we long for now... But death is certainly better than our pointless lonely lives.

Of-course its better, I don't like materialistic things now, I just want to be with him. 

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1 minute ago, LoveGoli said:

Of-course its better, I don't like materialistic things now, I just want to be with him. 

I cant go back to living because I know it will suck big time now... I will never have kids. I will never have a loving companion by my side. The closeness and the intimacy. 

What am I to do? Focus on my career? Whats the point! I hope those end of the world in october news are correct! I never believed in conspiracy theories but I hope the world ends soon. Only then, I could see there was mercy of god in his death, that god spared him from seeing the horrible end of the world. 

Right now. It does not seem to be merciful of god at all! Its sunny and life goes on as before. And I have to be here to witness it. Its so cruel.

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35 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I cant go back to living because I know it will suck big time now... I will never have kids. I will never have a loving companion by my side. The closeness and the intimacy. 

What am I to do? Focus on my career? Whats the point! I hope those end of the world in october news are correct! I never believed in conspiracy theories but I hope the world ends soon. Only then, I could see there was mercy of god in his death, that god spared him from seeing the horrible end of the world. 

Right now. It does not seem to be merciful of god at all! Its sunny and life goes on as before. And I have to be here to witness it. Its so cruel.

Your angel date and mine is same 5th July and I hate this date now. I also, do not have kids and I think never will be, our situation is quite similar and I can relate to you. I was very career oriented girl before and now its so meaning less if I can not share my progress with my husband. I wish the news you mentioned is correct and world ends or If its not possible then take me away from here.

Life is going on, people moving on, I never noticed so many laughing people around me and now their laugh realized me my sorrow, I think I will never laugh so loud again or if I do the pain will be always there.  We will not the same person like we before, this is the cruelest thing happen to us.

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15 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

But we didnt get to have kids. We didnt get to have our wedding. We didnt get to have the holidays we planned out.

You are grieving not only the loss of him, but all of your plans, your future together.  KMB and I both grieve not getting to retire with them...we never dreamed we'd find ourselves alone at this stage of our lives.  It's hard no matter when it happens, whether you never made it to the altar or not, or whether you were married 50 years, nothing is a consolation it seems.  :(

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

 I know that I can make it one day at a time.   But each day keeps repeating itself.

Been there, it seems like Groundhog Day all over again.

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6 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I think I will never laugh so loud again or if I do the pain will be always there.

We do laugh again.  We do live again.  But never is it the same.  You're right that we carry our grief inside of us, always, but it changes from intense pain to a kind of sadness and always...missing them.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

You are grieving not only the loss of him, but all of your plans, your future together.  KMB and I both grieve not getting to retire with them...we never dreamed we'd find ourselves alone at this stage of our lives.  It's hard no matter when it happens, whether you never made it to the altar or not, or whether you were married 50 years, nothing is a consolation it seems.  :(

Retirement plans were so far ahead for us but I'll be lonely whatever I face from now on. Thats the fact I have to make peace with. It wouldnt have been this difficult if I hadnt known what true companionship and happiness were. 

Apart from being sorry for myself, I'll always be sorry for his untimely passing... The things we wanted to have and we never will. We were both robbed of our future. Him and me. Somehow I think he is as sad as I am. 

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11 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Its so sad that our death is the only thing we long for now... But death is certainly better than our pointless lonely lives.

I agree.  However, it makes perfect sense.  The love of our life was the one person we truly only cared for.  They were our rock.  Our lover, our best friend, our soul mate.

Now that they are no longer here, it makes sense to want to leave just so we can be with them.

My wife and I had a great relationship.  Even then, I didn't realize how much she meant to me until she was gone.   If only I could turn back time...

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11 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Of-course its better, I don't like materialistic things now, I just want to be with him. 

There have been so many world events lately.  From hurricanes to major earthquakes to the solar eclipse.  People have thoughts about this may be an indication of the end of the world coming.   Doesn't sound that bad at all.    I would leave earth in a heartbeat if I had the choice.

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

 

Life is going on, people moving on, I never noticed so many laughing people around me and now their laugh realized me my sorrow, I think I will never laugh so loud again or if I do the pain will be always there.  We will not the same person like we before, this is the cruelest thing happen to us.

This is so true.   Everything and everyone is moving.   It's just us existing just to exist.  It feels horrible.   And it's not going to get any better.

I wake up each morning dreading this terrible journey that we have to travel through each day, for our entire lifetime.   

Many of us have had our "friends" disappear on us.  I feel that society as a whole, do not know how to deal with death.  So a lot of people don't know what to do and what to say do nothing and give us our space, believing that it will help if they don't remind us of our loss (wrong!  we never forget).

What irks me more is that the fact that most people do not know how to deal with death, is because they didn't have to deal with it. They are the lucky ones.

So then why is it us that have to go through this trauma?   Life took my wife away when we are both still young!  Why couldn't life give us more time together?

Someone made a mistake here.

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

We were both robbed of our future. 

Life robbed us of our future.... robbed us of our soulmate.

People just don't get it.  There is no point for me to continue.  

I existed to be there for my wife.  I work so that we have the finances to live in the present and future.  I existed so that we can enjoy each other's companies.  I existed so that we could take care of each other down the road.    

Now, my wife does not physically exist.   My purpose for life is over.  

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49 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Life robbed us of our future.... robbed us of our soulmate.

People just don't get it.  There is no point for me to continue.  

I existed to be there for my wife.  I work so that we have the finances to live in the present and future.  I existed so that we can enjoy each other's companies.  I existed so that we could take care of each other down the road.    

Now, my wife does not physically exist.   My purpose for life is over.  

Same here. I worked so hard so I could spend it on gifts for him, stuff for myself to look good, holidays, dinners. 

I studied so hard to get accepted for fellowship at the uni near his house so we could finally move in together. 

Although I had other passions in life, he was the motivation for me. He kept me going. We shared everything together, he was involved in all aspects of my life. Now its all empty. 

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

Same here. I worked so hard so I could spend it on gifts for him, stuff for myself to look good, holidays, dinners. 

I studied so hard to get accepted for fellowship at the uni near his house so we could finally move in together. 

Although I had other passions in life, he was the motivation for me. He kept me going. We shared everything together, he was involved in all aspects of my life. Now its all empty. 

These "secondary losses" are just as bad as the primary loss.

Many people out there just don't get it.  They only see the surface.  They only see that you lost a loved one.

They don't see that we actually lost our entire life and our future.

I am very scared about the upcoming holidays.  Going through these special times of the year will never be the same without my wife.

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That is just it right there. People know we lost our soul mate. They don't think beyond that tragic fact. They don't comprehend or notice all the many secondary losses. I hate it when people point out I still have a future, that I am still alive and can do anything I want to. That I just need to start over. What do they know about it? Nothing! Sure, it all sounds like logical thinking, but the heart isn't in it. They still have their loved one, so they know nothing.

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10 hours ago, KMB said:

That is just it right there. People know we lost our soul mate. They don't think beyond that tragic fact. They don't comprehend or notice all the many secondary losses. I hate it when people point out I still have a future, that I am still alive and can do anything I want to. That I just need to start over. What do they know about it? Nothing! Sure, it all sounds like logical thinking, but the heart isn't in it. They still have their loved one, so they know nothing.

That is just wrong on so many counts!  To reduce it to some simple solution is so wrong!  We are not idiots, if there were some simple solution, we'd have found it by now.  The truth is, this is so all-encompassing it affects us on every level of our being.  There is no getting over this.  There is only trying to learn to live with it in the best way we can.

Azipod, of course you didn't have time to think about retirement.  My George felt that way too, he was too busy living.  Four years ago I was pretty much forced into it, and had to do it alone.  It is nothing like it would have been with him.  Every day waking up alone for the rest of my life.  Whatever I do, I have to choose to do it alone.  That changes everything.  Last night I went to a get together where everyone was playing  board games.  it was fun but I could only stay an hour because I can't drive at night.  If George was here we would have been there together and he would have driven.  Every day for the rest of my life I am affected by his being gone.  The camping we would have done.  I miss talking everything over with him.  It's the little things I miss.  It's the little things that are big.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

That is just wrong on so many counts!  To reduce it to some simple solution is so wrong!  We are not idiots, if there were some simple solution, we'd have found it by now.  The truth is, this is so all-encompassing it affects us on every level of our being.  There is no getting over this.  There is only trying to learn to live with it in the best way we can.

Azipod, of course you didn't have time to think about retirement.  My George felt that way too, he was too busy living.  Four years ago I was pretty much forced into it, and had to do it alone.  It is nothing like it would have been with him.  Every day waking up alone for the rest of my life.  Whatever I do, I have to choose to do it alone.  That changes everything.  Last night I went to a get together where everyone was playing  board games.  it was fun but I could only stay an hour because I can't drive at night.  If George was here we would have been there together and he would have driven.  Every day for the rest of my life I am affected by his being gone.  The camping we would have done.  I miss talking everything over with him.  It's the little things I miss.  It's the little things that are big.

It's like that book that says "don't sweat the small stuff". I disagree. It's the small stuff that matters so much. A kiss goodnight. Catching their smile across the room. Cooking a meal together. It's those small things that make up the lives we had and I want to get in peoples faces and yell at them, "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER HOW SMALL".

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

That is just it right there. People know we lost our soul mate. They don't think beyond that tragic fact. They don't comprehend or notice all the many secondary losses. I hate it when people point out I still have a future, that I am still alive and can do anything I want to. That I just need to start over. What do they know about it? Nothing! Sure, it all sounds like logical thinking, but the heart isn't in it. They still have their loved one, so they know nothing.

I have to admit that I was just like them before.   Our society is completely oblivious as to how to deal with death and grief.   We are not taught about this subject.  They teach us about career, financial planning, retirement, investments, etc.     Why is death a taboo subject?

We unlucky ones are now educated well.  We will become rocks for others on this journey, if not already.

People just don't get it.

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

 

Azipod, of course you didn't have time to think about retirement.  My George felt that way too, he was too busy living.  Four years ago I was pretty much forced into it, and had to do it alone.  It is nothing like it would have been with him.  Every day waking up alone for the rest of my life.  Whatever I do, I have to choose to do it alone.  That changes everything.  Last night I went to a get together where everyone was playing  board games.  it was fun but I could only stay an hour because I can't drive at night.  If George was here we would have been there together and he would have driven.  Every day for the rest of my life I am affected by his being gone.  The camping we would have done.  I miss talking everything over with him.  It's the little things I miss.  It's the little things that are big.

Alone is my new life.  Alone I am.

I just found out I have to go see an oral surgeon to get some work done.   I so wished that my wife was here to accompany me through this upcoming medical procedure.   I know I'll survive and I can do it alone.   But it would be so nice if she was there with me..... just to drive me home, just to make sure I am OK and watch out for me when I get home for recovery.

Life without our spouse, is learning how to be alone.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

It's like that book that says "don't sweat the small stuff". I disagree. It's the small stuff that matters so much. A kiss goodnight. Catching their smile across the room. Cooking a meal together. It's those small things that make up the lives we had and I want to get in peoples faces and yell at them, "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER HOW SMALL".

Oh boy.   That is so true.   I once described that losing a loved one is like a big umbrella.   Underneath the umbrella, however, are the THOUSANDS of things that makes this journey truly awful.  

For me, this week, was seeing the empty side of our bed.  Perhaps next week, will be the 1/2 of our mail which still comes in with my wife's name.  I don't know.  But the list goes on.

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19 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Oh boy.   That is so true.   I once described that losing a loved one is like a big umbrella.   Underneath the umbrella, however, are the THOUSANDS of things that makes this journey truly awful.  

For me, this week, was seeing the empty side of our bed.  Perhaps next week, will be the 1/2 of our mail which still comes in with my wife's name.  I don't know.  But the list goes on.

For me this week, the worst thing was going through today alone. It would have been our 5th year anniversary. I have been feeling so low at work so I came home early and cried for hours. The second thing is the notification e-mails for the stuff we used to look at/attend to together.  I dont know for how long I can bear this terrible loneliness. I want to be with him. 

 

23 hours ago, Azipod said:

There have been so many world events lately.  From hurricanes to major earthquakes to the solar eclipse.  People have thoughts about this may be an indication of the end of the world coming.   Doesn't sound that bad at all.    I would leave earth in a heartbeat if I had the choice.

I hope these people are right. My world feels like it has ended anyway. 

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5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 

8 hours ago, KayC said:

That is just wrong on so many counts!  To reduce it to some simple solution is so wrong!  We are not idiots, if there were some simple solution, we'd have found it by now.  The truth is, this is so all-encompassing it affects us on every level of our being.  There is no getting over this.  There is only trying to learn to live with it in the best way we can.

Azipod, of course you didn't have time to think about retirement.  My George felt that way too, he was too busy living.  Four years ago I was pretty much forced into it, and had to do it alone.  It is nothing like it would have been with him.  Every day waking up alone for the rest of my life.  Whatever I do, I have to choose to do it alone.  That changes everything.  Last night I went to a get together where everyone was playing  board games.  it was fun but I could only stay an hour because I can't drive at night.  If George was here we would have been there together and he would have driven.  Every day for the rest of my life I am affected by his being gone.  The camping we would have done.  I miss talking everything over with him.  It's the little things I miss.  It's the little things that are big.

It's like that book that says "don't sweat the small stuff". I disagree. It's the small stuff that matters so much. A kiss goodnight. Catching their smile across the room. Cooking a meal together. It's those small things that make up the lives we had and I want to get in peoples faces and yell at them, "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER HOW SMALL".

 

Darn straight with all of this! May God have mercy for us all. All this pain and the many losses accompanying the main loss of our soul mates is insufferable.

I was just outside, watering the flowers that are still blooming yet. Putting fresh water in the bird bath, filling the seed feeder. Automatic things I could do in my sleep. The thoughts flit around  in my mind about why am I doing these things? The rest of the flowers are going to die soon. If I don't feed the birds, they will eventually go off and find a different food source. I guess the reason why, is that I am getting outside, some fresh air and a little exercise. My dog follows me around and he needs the fresh air, exercise also. He won't stay outside without me with him, ever since my husband has been gone. It is a matter of personal perspective in what a person finds a small measure of meaning, purpose in. So many thoughts go round and round in my mind.Everything my husband and I did, was for each other, for us. For other people we cared about. Now, the majority of those others have evaporated. There is no us.

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

or me this week, the worst thing was going through today alone. It would have been our 5th year anniversary. I have been feeling so low at work so I came home early and cried for hours. The second thing is the notification e-mails for the stuff we used to look at/attend to together.  I dont know for how long I can bear this terrible loneliness. I want to be with him. 

My thoughts are with you----- :wub:

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