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first birthday


yuyu

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Maybe I shouldn't respond because I haven't yet celebrated a birthday without my love, but I think if I were to have a birthday, say tomorrow, I would drive to this particular place that we loved to go when we first started dating. I think I would bring some lunch, pack my dog in the car, and go for a drive myself. Maybe bring my best friend, probably see how I feel and if I think I may need somebody else to drive for me. I think I would like to go and lay in the grass there and simply be.  Feel connected to him in a place that only really has significance to us. I've seen a lot of people release balloons and such. Maybe I would write a message and send it up. I don't know, thank you for asking the question though. I am interested to see how others have handled that day.

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This is a very valid question and I don't really know the answer.  I think you'll have to come up with something that is meaningful for you.   The first is always difficult.

Today was the first holiday I've spent without my wife.  In 20-days, it will be our first wedding anniversary.

It's been a tough day.  I've had 10-15 seconds "micro cries" as well as a bunch of reality-reminders about how my wife is no longer around.

 

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My birthday was 17 days before I lost him.  Our anniversary was 13 days before I lost him.  Then his birthday was Aug 22.  It was hard to get through that day.  

I just started to say that today Labor Day is my first holiday without him.  Then I realized Independence Day was.  I was meeting with the funeral home on the 4th of July.  :(   

Today I went to one of our favorite antique malls and just walked around.  I saw so many things he would have liked.  
I can't even think about upcoming holidays.  Much less what it will be like for my birthday and our anniversary next year.

 

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Yo!,

Thanks for your response. I heard you Azipod those micro cries is a pain in the ass. Cela, balloon idea is great, I think I will consider it. June, Sorry to hear that your love one just died recently, I'm on the 6th month now and it feels like it was just yesterday.   

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My birthday is on the 10th of this month. I am dreading it. I have asked him to let me know he is with me for my birthday... but I can't get my hopes up because I know that visits or signs can be rare at times. I just feel worried a lot about my birthday. I was so looking forward to spending it with him... but sadly, I can't. I don't have that opportunity. I think I am going to visit my family that day and go to the mall. I don't know yet. :(.

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My husband died a week before his 57th birthday. My son came over and we cleaned out the kitchen cupboards and then we went to his house for dinner. He also past away 3 weeks before my birthday. I was still numb at this point and I went to work and came home. I did not want to do anything. We did go out to eat later in the week. I am dreading what would have been our 36th anniversary, we tried to go away, even if it was only for a few days. I do have to work that day, so hoping that keeps my mind off of it. The next night we are having a 30th birthday party for my oldest niece. It's going to be at a winery, I don't really want to go but she is my God daughter so I feel obligated. My son and I made spaghetti sauce yesterday and today, that was hard because my husband always helped out. It's amazing how many "firsts" there are. I'm sure there will be sadness no matter what you do.

 

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I honestly can't remember what I did the day of my first birthday without my darling.  It was such a stressful period.  Next month I will spend it in Court - at the trial of the man who killed him. 

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I havent celebrated a birthday without my boyfriend because mine is in Nov. But his birthday was in July, he died 4 weeks before it. It was quite painful because last year he promised that we would celebrate together. I spent that day painting, a picture of him and me. I was planning to bake a cake but then I thought I couldn't finish one cake just by myself so I gave it up. I probably won't celebrate my birthday again, not without him. He used to send me gifts when it was my birthday and christmas. The end of the year is hard for me.

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22 hours ago, yuyu said:

How to spend your first birthday without your love? 

My first birthday without George was horrible.  No one remembered or said "Happy Birthday" to me.  He'd always made a big deal out of it, so the contrast was striking and hit me hard.  I cried myself to sleep.
It might help to have a friend join you for dinner or something, just so you have some plans.  TELL them it's your birthday, don't leave it to people to remember.  It was the only birthday I was totally forgotten and being as I'd just lost him it was harder to brush off than it would have been at other years.

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20 minutes ago, KayC said:

My first birthday without George was horrible.  No one remembered or said "Happy Birthday" to me.  He'd always made a big deal out of it, so the contrast was striking and hit me hard.  I cried myself to sleep.
It might help to have a friend join you for dinner or something, just so you have some plans.  TELL them it's your birthday, don't leave it to people to remember.  It was the only birthday I was totally forgotten and being as I'd just lost him it was harder to brush off than it would have been at other years.

My wife always made a huge deal out of my birthday. But in a way she knew I would like. She knew I wouldn't want a party or anything so she would plan an adventure weekend and get a hotel room for us. My birthdays over the years saw us wandering through the field museum, Brookfield zoo, shedd aquarium. Last year she found a wild animal rescue and we got to hold a baby lion cub and baby black bear. I never cared who hit me up on FB on my bday or anything like that. I just couldn't wait to find out what she had planned. What the hell am I going to do now?

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My wife always planned my birthday. It usually entailed a dinner out somewhere with all of our closest friends. She handled everything. It was daunting to think of what will happen in February without her but my closest friends have already let me know that they are taking care of it next year and we will continue the tradition. They are also planning a weekend trip to celebrate Lori and my anniversary in November(with my blessing of course) to serve as a yearly celebration of our life together. Sometimes I have to take a step back and realize how blessed I am to have such amazing friends.

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We didn't do "birthday parties" either, he made a big deal about it, but it was between us.  I miss that man, there is and never will be another George. :(

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I haven't hit any "special dates" yet but will soon at the end of the month.

What are the special days to acknowledge?   Birthday?  Passing Date?  Anniversary?   Valentines?

This is all too new to me, but I'm thinking Anniversary and Passing Date as the minimum?

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On 9/4/2017 at 0:49 PM, yuyu said:

How to spend your first birthday without your love? 

Emotionally.   I got through his birthday better than I got through mine.  When you're always celebrating everything together and now you find yourself doing it solo, it is unimaginable.

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15 hours ago, Azipod said:

I haven't hit any "special dates" yet but will soon at the end of the month.

What are the special days to acknowledge?   Birthday?  Passing Date?  Anniversary?   Valentines?

This is all too new to me, but I'm thinking Anniversary and Passing Date as the minimum?

Acknowledge the days that are special to you. There are no set standards and no minimum. For me there are plenty of hard days: our birthdays, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, anniversary of first date, angel date.

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I bought something that my husband would have gotten me for our 36th anniversary, which will be Tuesday. We used to go away for at least a day or two but I'm not ready to go anywhere by myself yet.

 

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9 minutes ago, cjoney said:

I bought something that my husband would have gotten me for our 36th anniversary, which will be Tuesday. We used to go away for at least a day or two but I'm not ready to go anywhere by myself yet.

 

Sometimes we have to do nice things for ourselves. Don't rush yourself. You'll know when you are ready to go by yourself.

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Sean's advice is spot on.  I think you'll find anything that was a special day to the two of you is going to be something difficult to make it through and it helps to have plans in place for those days.  Everyone is different though, so even though I've heard that recommended for grievers, some may choose to stay home alone on those days.  It's whatever is most comfortable for YOU.
It took me years to go back to "our place" and then I lost my job and couldn't afford it...by the time I could, they'd torn it down.  This is something very individual, some under a year out revisit their special places, others avoid them.  It's what you feel comfortable doing.

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Thank you for the replies! 

By far the saddest birthday that I will have. I'm going to bring flowers and balloons in her grave also I will attach some letters in the balloons so that as soon as I let it fly she will receive my thoughts then drink all night. 

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5 minutes ago, yuyu said:

Thank you for the replies! 

By far the saddest birthday that I will have. I'm going to bring flowers and balloons in her grave also I will attach some letters in the balloons so that as soon as I let it fly she will receive my thoughts then drink all night. 

I think that sounds nice. Just be sure to make copies of the letters so you will have your thoughts to keep. 

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 Micro cries again. I want to cry out load and let out all of my feelings.

My birthday passed and its so painful. Now preparing for Christmas and New Year.

21430535_10210325272953475_3130321151122570663_n.jpg

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Yuyu,

I'm sure your birthday had mixed feelings...you have a group of supportive people with you, but the one you wanted the most could not be there with you in the way you wanted.  We do get through these days even when we don't know how that will be possible and it's not painless.  One day at a time.   (((hugs)))

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When was your birthday? Mine was yesterday. My one wish was to feel his presence or to see a sign, even if it were just a cardinal bird. I am not sure if I would count the Cardinals team at the grocery store and its' apparel... since that is always there. But anyway, I didn't get a sign, I don't think. Anyway, hope that - other than the pain that we all are going through - your birthday was nice.

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As someone who actually doesn't celebrate birthdays, but when my anniversary comes along, I go away and do something different, my first anniversary without her I couldn't go away but last year me and my daughter climbed Ben Nevis on the day that would have been our 25th, this year I did a 1400 mile camping trip to the north of Scotland. I'm already planning next year, I also go away on the anniversary of her death, so I would say that is what works for me. In any case, do something that you want to do, to honor or mark someone that was special to you, whether its alone or with someone else, you make the choice.

 

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On 9/5/2017 at 10:56 AM, M88 said:

I honestly can't remember what I did the day of my first birthday without my darling.  It was such a stressful period.  Next month I will spend it in Court - at the trial of the man who killed him. 

Hi M88, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It's unbelievable that such an irresponsible person took his life and lives. I believe that you will get him justice. I'm here with you! 

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This is a hard question for me. My panda's birthday is 27th March and mine is 21st March. So only 6 days apart. We've spent all of our birthdays together since we've been together. Usually, he likes to book a fancy hotel and take me shopping and for dinner. We would watch a movie together. I miss him. Everything about him. I don't know what I would do next year for our birthdays. I don't even know if I can visit his grave as he hasn't been buried and I'm not sure where his family would bury him. I miss him every second and wish he can give me another chance.

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2 hours ago, Cutie Pie said:

Hi M88, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It's unbelievable that such an irresponsible person took his life and lives. I believe that you will get him justice. I'm here with you! 

Thank you, Cutie Pie.  Yes, the truth will kill this man's lies and denials.  

Hugs Xx

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3 hours ago, Cutie Pie said:

This is a hard question for me. My panda's birthday is 27th March and mine is 21st March. So only 6 days apart. We've spent all of our birthdays together since we've been together. Usually, he likes to book a fancy hotel and take me shopping and for dinner. We would watch a movie together. I miss him. Everything about him. I don't know what I would do next year for our birthdays. I don't even know if I can visit his grave as he hasn't been buried and I'm not sure where his family would bury him. I miss him every second and wish he can give me another chance.

It hits home pretty quick, with a kick in the guts, that we will never again feel the love and joy we previously felt on our special days - and we begin grieving for that loss as well.  We also grieve for the past memories we made together as we can no longer say 'hey,  remember when ........?  

As special dates get closer, I guess we all start pondering how will get through the day and what will we do to mark it.  Personally, I try not to think about it until the actual day arrives.  My family and friends don't push me to make plans with them, which is a relief. They know me well.  Oh, I've just remembered what I did on my birthday last year!  My daughter and I spent it in a beautiful native forest.  A favourite place of both my late hubby and my daughter.  It was the first time we'd been back there and oh boy, it was emotionally very tough going. 

Your Panda sounds like he ws a romantic guy, Cutie Pie. I'm glad he made your birthdays special. 

My darling wasn't a romantic and neither am I really.  We stopped buying each other gifts long ago and would put the money towards a weekend away trout fishing at a lake, or fossicking around on another part of the coast. 

Sending strength, love and hugs Xx

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Karl,  It sounds like you have good plans for your special days. Getting out and getting away is sometimes the best way to honor our loved one. It also distracts us from the heavier aspects of grieving and we have somewhere to go in able to focus on the trip itself. Besides, somehow we have the sense that our loved one would want for us to keep plugging on with our life, the best we can.  I am deeply sorry for your loss. I know how hard this is.

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Cutie Pie,  I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the reason you are here, but relieved you found us. You are in good company here and I hope you find some level of comfort whether by just reading posts or by expressing yourself when you feel the need.

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It helps to have some kind of plan in place to face those special days, something YOU want to do, even if it means "nothing", but think about it ahead of time so you can know what you'll do and not be caught off guard with it.  It won't be easy, no matter how we tackle it.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

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I just had my first birthday without Mike. I went about my day as usual and kept busy so I didn't really think about it being my birthday. This Saturday we (a few family members) are going to get together just as we always did, the Saturday between our birthdays, (mine is Sept 10th, his was Sept 20th) and have a bonfire and hang out. Hopefully I can get through it like I did my birthday. 

I have managed to keep myself so busy I don't have time to think about grieving but work is slowing down and things are going to start hitting me and I know they are. But I am hoping I can just keep functioning and going about life as I need to without to much of a meltdown. 

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16 minutes ago, Sharyn01 said:

I just had my first birthday without Mike. I went about my day as usual and kept busy so I didn't really think about it being my birthday. This Saturday we (a few family members) are going to get together just as we always did, the Saturday between our birthdays, (mine is Sept 10th, his was Sept 20th) and have a bonfire and hang out. Hopefully I can get through it like I did my birthday. 

I have managed to keep myself so busy I don't have time to think about grieving but work is slowing down and things are going to start hitting me and I know they are. But I am hoping I can just keep functioning and going about life as I need to without to much of a meltdown. 

I'll be thinking about you on Saturday as I know it will be difficult to celebrate(or at least try to) without Mike. Tell stories about him. Laugh. Cry. Just remember that he is there with you in spirit.

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Sharyn,

Thinking of you as Saturday approaches and hoping like Sean says that you can feel him there with you in spirit even as you're with your family.

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Tomorrow would have been our 5th year anniversary. I am too tried and too worn out to do anything. I'll probably come back from work and directly go to bed... Just one more thing added to the list of things he'll never get to see.. 

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24 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Tomorrow would have been our 5th year anniversary. I am too tried and too worn out to do anything. I'll probably come back from work and directly go to bed... Just one more thing added to the list of things he'll never get to see.. 

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and praying for your strength. You do whatever is best for you and that includes nothing if that suits you. 

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1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and praying for your strength. You do whatever is best for you and that includes nothing if that suits you. 

Thank you! I will use all of my strength on just try not to think about how excited he would have been about it. One of my friends recently told me he asked for her opinion for rings as he was preparing to propose to me. So tomorrow could have been a wonderful day if only..

Life is so unfair.

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9 hours ago, Sharyn01 said:

I just had my first birthday without Mike. I went about my day as usual and kept busy so I didn't really think about it being my birthday. This Saturday we (a few family members) are going to get together just as we always did, the Saturday between our birthdays, (mine is Sept 10th, his was Sept 20th) and have a bonfire and hang out. Hopefully I can get through it like I did my birthday. 

I have managed to keep myself so busy I don't have time to think about grieving but work is slowing down and things are going to start hitting me and I know they are. But I am hoping I can just keep functioning and going about life as I need to without to much of a meltdown. 

Good to hear from you, Sharyn! I have been wondering how you are. I have been keeping busy also. What else can we do? But, outside chores are slowing down for me as well. It is fall here now. Soon, it will be winter.We know what that means--- more time spent indoors, easier access for the mind to try and bring us to the low places again. I have been jotting things down on a list for things to keep me busy this winter.

Happy Belated Birthday! Mine was the 12th. Even though I didn't feel like it, my daughter took me out for brunch and then to a coffee shop afterwards where we could sit outside and people watch. I did feel a little better for getting out.It would have been something I would have done if my husband were still here, but you know all the usual things just don't have the same appeal anymore.

Go ahead and celebrate yours and Mike's birthdays in the same traditional manner. You know Mike will be there in the spiritual sense. Our loved ones do not miss out on anything. We are just unable to see or hear them. :wub:

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18 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and praying for your strength. You do whatever is best for you and that includes nothing if that suits you. 

I agree.  The most important opinion we can have is our own.  Listen to your own needs.

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16 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

One of my friends recently told me he asked for her opinion for rings as he was preparing to propose to me. So tomorrow could have been a wonderful day if only..

Oh Hon, that is so hard!  Definitely wishing some comfort for you tomorrow.  As you're thinking about how you're missing out on this tomorrow, remember that nothing took away his love for you, and his feelings remain even though his physical body and your tomorrows did not.  He loves you still, hold onto that.

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On 9/14/2017 at 0:41 PM, TooDevastated said:

Tomorrow would have been our 5th year anniversary. I am too tried and too worn out to do anything. I'll probably come back from work and directly go to bed... Just one more thing added to the list of things he'll never get to see.. 

Thinking of you today and sending prayers. We all know how hard every day is, even more so the special days. hard isn't even the bulk of it. There really are no words to describe anything to do with loss.:wub:

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh Hon, that is so hard!  Definitely wishing some comfort for you tomorrow.  As you're thinking about how you're missing out on this tomorrow, remember that nothing took away his love for you, and his feelings remain even though his physical body and your tomorrows did not.  He loves you still, hold onto that.

Thanks Kay! The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that he is there somewhere, waiting for me. I'm so grateful for the signs he has given me so far. His love is so strong that I have had loads of strong signs. It doesn't stop me from feeling miserable about the future we would have had though. Never will I find a man who can love me more than he does (not that I want to anyway...) just as he couldn't have found another woman to love him more. He was such a great guy that I am completely crushed and hurt by his absence. 

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Wondering how you are doing today.  I understand your feelings about not finding anyone like him...me neither.  When you've had the best it'd be hard to settle for less!

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