Members caiteh Posted September 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted September 3, 2017 Hi - I'm very new to these forums, so I apologize if I'm not posting in the correct spot, or my post is too long... I'm just desperate to share my story with people who may understand, because right now, I don't understand it at all. My boyfriend of two years, Adam, died on March 21st, 2017 of a heroin overdose. I lived with him, took care of his young son like he was my own, and was trying to build a life with him. When I first met him in 2015, he had been out of rehab a few months and was clean and healthy. But, as time went on, the lies and issues started to pile up. I promised him I would support him and help keep him on track....even though I had zero experience with drugs or addiction. I noticed about 6 months into our relationship that he was acting strange. He would fall asleep in the middle of conversations, we would fight over ridiculous things, and he just seemed very irritable all the time. I would go through his work backpack, car, drawers, etc and began to find oxy's and percs. I would confront him but he always had an excuse. By Christmas 2015, his behaviour seemed to be getting worse and he admitted that he had slipped up. We had a meeting with his parents. His mother told me that I was one of the best things to happen to Adam, and that she appreciated how much I cared and looked out for him. I knew that being with him wouldn't always be easy, but I truly loved him and his intentions were good... he loved me and took care of me...and when he was clean (he wasn't always high), we were amazing together. Fast forward to the fall of 2016, and I was helping him pick out a new house and moving in with him. Things were looking up - our commutes to work were going to be shorter, we'd be closer to his son, we even ended up spending more time with his ex wife and her boyfriend who we both got along with well. But, something happened over the winter, and things only got worse. We began fighting a lot more. He seemed to be hiding more from me, was very protective over his phone, and about two weeks before he died, I found a spoon that had been heated in one of the drawers of his toolbox. I asked him about it, and I'll never forget what he said... "that must be old... if I were using again, you would never have found that spoon". Because of our fights, his family began alienating me, and I was no longer invited to his family's get togethers, even though I was still watching his son - we had him every single weekend as well as during the week. I'd ask Adam to come to the park with his son and I, but he never wanted to do anything the last month or so of his life. He would spend all of his time at home on the couch in front of the TV, and get angry at me for guilt tripping him and making him look like a bad dad in front of his son. His parents also began to resent me - they attributed his lack of energy and sleeping all of the time to being overworked and me not "leaving him alone". I'm sure many people in my shoes would have left the relationship, but I couldn't give up on him. I truly felt like I was brought into his life for a reason and I wanted to help him. I was woken up in the middle of the night on March 21st by a phone call from his ex wife of all people, telling me that Adam was dead. He passed away in a bathroom stall while at work. I'll never forget that night.... the worst night of my life. The following days were pure hell as well. I was asked by his mother to take part in making the funeral arrangements, but I believe she was only asking to make herself look like a good person. I wasn't asked my opinion on anything. I remember sitting in the funeral home with his parents, brother and ex wife, thinking...."this is not what Adam would have wanted." But who was I to say... I was only his girlfriend of two years, a failure who couldn't keep him away from drugs and alive like everyone was hoping. Two days after he died, his mother called me to tell me that my family was not welcome in my home (the home I had chosen and built with Adam.... ), if I needed company I could go over to her house to be with she and Adam's dad and ex wife, and that her sister would be moving into mine and Adam's house the following day to "take care of it". She also told me I was not to take anything from the house without her there. Because I was in shock, I agreed and said ok. My mom got on the phone with her immediately and said that no one would be at the house except for our family, and to please respect our privacy during this time. She was very nice, but straight forward. Twenty minutes later, Adam's parents showed up at my house, yelling and screaming at my mom and aunt, telling them to get out of their son's house. Adam's dad (who I had never had an issue with the entire time I knew him) went on to say that Adam didn't love me. While all of this was happening, I was upstairs shaking and crying, in total disbelief. My aunt actually had to call the cops to make them leave. The cops told them that it was my permanent residence and that they were trespassing. Needless to say, the visitation and funeral were absolutely horrible. I wasn't welcome to stand at the front - but his ex wife was. His parents didn't say a word to me, except when I was up at the front talking to Adam's cousins - his mother came over to me and gave me a big, dramatic, fake hug in front of everyone. I got through those couple of days, and then immediately started packing up my belongings at the house. Thank God for my family and friends who were there to help me. I was moved out of the house within a week of the funeral. Because Adam's mother was the executor of his will, she was somehow able to shut off the cable and internet while my mom and I were still living at the house. She probably would have shut off the hydro as well, if she could have. When I think back to that time, I feel the craziest mix of emotions....sadness, disgust, despair, anger. I just can't make sense of any of it. Five months later, and I'm living in a completely different town about 2 hours from where Adam and I were living. I haven't seen his family, or any of our mutual friends, since the funeral. Some of them have reached out to me here and there, just to say that they're here for me... but it doesn't really feel like they are. One of his life long friends who I was on fairly good terms with, messaged me one night when she was drunk to tell me that everything was my fault, and if Adam hadn't met me he would never have died. His "friend" from work contacted me to tell me that Adam had been having serious issues for a while and that he almost overdosed/was unconscious at work about a month before he died. An ambulance wasn't even called. No one told me anything....until it was too late to help him!!!!??? I'm so, so angry and everyone, Adam, myself. His ex wife has called me a couple of times to see how I'm doing but she hasn't once asked me if I'd like to come visit Adam's son. I think this is the hardest part for me... I miss that kid so much. We were extremely attached to each other.... I'd pick him up from school some days.... he'd call me "mommy" by accident....Adam and I always made sure he had the best of everything at our house. Why am I not cut off from seeing him? Adam's mini-me....my only connection to him...aside from the dog we got together, who I still have and I honestly don't know what I would do without. I also lost my job in June - the company I had worked for for 7 whole years, let me go 3 months after my partner died. The manager who was part of the decision making even attended Adam's funeral and knew a lot about what had happened. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this..... why so many people think I'm disposable.... why so many people who I've been good to, just don't seem to care about me at all? I feel so alone, and damaged. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over any of this. I haven't even had a chance to properly grieve the loss of Adam because so many other hurtful and heartbreaking things have happened on top of him dying. I'm still unemployed, looking for work here but it's hard, especially when I feel riddled with anxiety and feel like a total failure in all other parts of my life... same when it comes to dating... I've been putting myself out there, trying to meet people and take my mind off of everything. The couple of people who I've told my story to have just disappeared. I don't get it.... I'm not suicidal, but I really can't live this way. I'm trying things to make me feel better.....long walks with my dog on the beach, meditation, reading, going to church... it's helping, but some days are still just unbearable. I feel like a burden to my family. Every choice I've made in life has come back to bite me. I try so hard to be a good, genuine person... but this is what I get? I pray to god everyday to help me see the lesson in all of this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 4, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted September 4, 2017 caiteh, I read your story and I'm hit with how heartbreaking it is, yet it's not unique, I've heard it before from others going through the same thing, unfortunately. I am so so sorry, for everything you've been going through. None of this is fair, none of this is your fault. Adam's family blames you because it's easier to have a scapegoat instead of accepting any part of the blame themselves, instead of facing the reality of the situation, same with some of his friends. Maybe you could ask his ex-wife if you could have a visit with his son? You were like a stepmom to him, he has to have been missing you too. I'm glad you have your dog, they can be a great comfort, I don't know how I could handle life without mine. It blows me away how his job handled the situation. That could have been a warning, a wake up call, a chance for intervention, a chance to get help, but you were deprived of even that...so was he. Hang on to the words his family gave you earlier, that you were the best thing that ever happened to him, because you were. Their change of heart came when they were in denial of what was really going on, and later affected by their own grief. That happens all too often. You wonder where all the friends went? The same way all our friends went when my husband died. They disappeared. Death reminds people of their own mortality, of what they might be facing one day, it's uncomfortable to them, so they avoid us because we are a reminder. You don't deserve this. To me, one is not a friend that leaves you in the worst time of your life. I found out I had none. I did make a new friend and truly appreciated having her in my life but she moved to another state three years ago. And then you lost your job. I lost mine a few months after my husband died. It's very stressful to go through on top of having grief. I got one in the nick of time, it was at the beginning of the recession. Take anything until you get the one you want. Hang in there, it won't always be like this. That thought got me through some very hard times. One thought...when you try to make new friends, go into it slowly, cautiously, maybe hold off telling them anything deep until you've had some time with them, maybe it scares them off. Again, thoughts of death and being in this situation is very uncomfortable to people, if they don't have a vested relationship with you, they flee, even if they do have one they sometimes flee, as we've discovered. It takes someone special to hang in there with you, I'm glad you have the support of your family. I love your mom, she's mama bear to the rescue! Keep doing what you're doing, you're trying. You're not a burden, it's what family does. Keep coming here, we are a lifeline to each other here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members M88 Posted September 5, 2017 Members Report Share Posted September 5, 2017 Caiteh, I am so sorry for your loss and the manner in which you found out your partner had died. Also the unnecessary **** you've had to endure since. I understand the unsupportive, possesssion grabbing, family issue. It ripped our blended family apart very quickly. My step daughter told me that as she and her brother drove home the day after the funeral, he was rubbing his hands together saying did you see this or that - it's all mine. An hour earlier he and his wife had waited to get me on my own in the kitchen, towered over me and called the shots. At the time I couldn't process what was happening. I still hadn't got my head around the question he asked the day after my darling of 22 years, his father, was tragically killed the week before - 'did he have a Will?' He and his wife had applied the same tactic then too, by waiting to get me alone. No easy feat with the large number of people here at the time. In hindsight I see it for what it was - bullying and like your situation, classic examples of death bringing out the worst. Sorry for rambling on, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone with hurtful, bullying behaviour from extended family. I know there is very little written about this issue in grief books or on the net. I wonder if you are back in your home town where you grew up? If so, do you have old friends you could reach out to for company and support? Or perhaps there is a grief support group nearby you could attend. I'm glad you found us hon, and hope you will find comfort, support and understanding here. We're all here to help each other. Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted September 6, 2017 Members Report Share Posted September 6, 2017 This experience has made me realize that death is seen as an opportunity for so many. NO no, not the opportunity to be sympathetic towards those in such deep grief. Not the opportunity to lend a hand and help those so desperately in need. Not the opportunity to carry someone who can't make it themselves. It is seen by so many as the opportunity for personal gain. Whether it is monetary gain or a rise in their own self-inflated stature. Sometimes it is the opportunity for people to find someone to blame for the loss or the opportunity to just be mean and vindictive. There is a time in everyone's life when they are young and they see the world through a child's eyes. Our heroes are true and pure. People are genuine with no personal agenda. Life is fair. Then we get older and come to the realization that real life is nothing like the version we see through the innocent eyes we have as a child. I have come to a new realization or metamorphosis through the grief process that is much the same as the change we endure as a child. I see that some of people you thought were in your corner aren't there and never were. I've seen that greed trumps grief. I've seen that blame has to go somewhere and often times it's us. I've seen that people want us to move on and really don't care if we can't. This new realization in our grief is just as shocking and cold as the ones we have as we grow up and stop being childern. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted September 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted September 7, 2017 caiteh, I will echo what KayC and M88 posted to you. I am so deeply sorry for your loss and for what you have been enduring from the very people who should be extending love, compassion and support to you. You were a vital part of Adam's life. You need to have your pain and emotions validated by them instead of being back stabbed. Unfortunately, the true colors of family, friends, come out during times of tragedies. Your loss is certainly validated by us on this forum. We truly understand and get what you are going through. Sending prayers for strength, love and comfort to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted September 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted September 7, 2017 On 9/6/2017 at 10:25 AM, Eagle-96 said: I've seen that people want us to move on and really don't care if we can't. This new realization in our grief is just as shocking and cold as the ones we have as we grow up and stop being childern. So very true, Sean. It is hard transitioning from childhood to adulthood and we find out that life is not all it is cracked up to be with its trials. But, as adults now, where do we go with this unrelenting pain? This transition from suffering the loss of our soul mate is far worse than what we went through growing up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted September 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted September 7, 2017 12 minutes ago, KMB said: So very true, Sean. It is hard transitioning from childhood to adulthood and we find out that life is not all it is cracked up to be with its trials. But, as adults now, where do we go with this unrelenting pain? This transition from suffering the loss of our soul mate is far worse than what we went through growing up. I think the veil being lifted from our eyes as we grow from childhood has a lot to do with seeing that the world isn't as happy and fair as we thought it was. We realize that we are truly on our own and we fail or succeed on our own merits. To me the realizations through grief have more to do with the fact that people have absolutely NO idea what we go through and no amount of explanation seems to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members caiteh Posted September 22, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted September 22, 2017 I just want to send a delayed thank you to you guys who took the time to read my story. Your responses have made me feel much less alone. I have to say that things do seem to be getting slightly easier for me day by day..... (easier, not sure if that's the right word...) but every now and then I see a photo or something that reminds me of Adam or his son and my mind starts going and won't stop until I'm feeling alone, depressed and hurt again. I am still (and will always be, I think) in shock over how cruel and selfish some people can be, and how I was treated by those who I thought cared about me. I'm just trying not to let it make me feel jaded and ruin any chances for me to feel truly happy and trusting again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted September 23, 2017 Members Report Share Posted September 23, 2017 Hi caiteh, Thank you for checking in. It sounds like you have a healthy way of looking at and dealing with your loss. It is not easy. I know so well myself, just like the rest of us here. You are never really alone, even though it might feel like it sometimes. You can always come here and someone should be on at some point who will respond. I'm not sure if "easier" is the right word to use either. I know the wrong word is "better". Nothing will ever be better than what we had before with our loved one. At some point, we do realize that some things have gotten less difficult. Our lives will always be different from what we had and wanted. We can go on to have a meaningful life and find some measure of happiness. It depends on our attitude, our own efforts, hanging onto hope and seeing the good in opportunities that come our way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 23, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted September 23, 2017 19 hours ago, caiteh said: I just want to send a delayed thank you to you guys who took the time to read my story. Your responses have made me feel much less alone. I have to say that things do seem to be getting slightly easier for me day by day..... (easier, not sure if that's the right word...) but every now and then I see a photo or something that reminds me of Adam or his son and my mind starts going and won't stop until I'm feeling alone, depressed and hurt again. I am still (and will always be, I think) in shock over how cruel and selfish some people can be, and how I was treated by those who I thought cared about me. I'm just trying not to let it make me feel jaded and ruin any chances for me to feel truly happy and trusting again. I totally get that. And I think it's good that you try not to let it change you as far as you can help it. I've learned a lot through what I've gone through as to how NOT to treat people. I have a lot of friends who are widowed (my church is mostly elderly) so there's a lot of us there that understand each other, but in the beginning it was not so for me, I felt very alone. I think the younger people have it harder for that reason and others, their friends can't possibly understand, their lives are happy and carefree. Like KMB said, our attitudes are so important, and it's so important to look for good. I might mention, it is easy to see the bad, the good sometimes needs ferreted out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted September 25, 2017 Members Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 caiteh Wow! Your story is so sad and I can only feel for you and the loss of your Adam. No one, absolutely no one should have endured what you did. It's difficult enough just losing someone, but having to endure such abuse from his family is just unbelievable. Adam had his demons true enough; but they were his demons and the only way he could have defeated them was to embrace them, accept them and try to overcome them. I'm sorry he did not have the strength to overcome them; but know that you did all one could have done. The gall of his family trying to blame you for his actions. Some people have a gift to be great manipulators. They will lie, cheat, treat you badly and somehow manage to make it all seem like it's your fault; it's just what they do. They want to look good while making you look bad. Don't fall for it or them. Toxic people are just that - toxic. I don't care if they are family, friends, casual or new acquaintances, or strangers you don't have to make room for people who cause you pain or try to make you feel insufficient or small. You don't ever have to feel guilty about removing them from your life. If people, family or not, disregard your feelings, ignores your boundaries and continue to treat you in any harmful way (physically, mentally, or spiritually) they simply need to go. I commend you for staying with Adam as long as you did after realizing his relapse with drugs. It is apparent you stayed not only because you genuinely loved the man, but his son as well. You had plans on getting married and making a life together. Addiction affects the entire family and is the only disease where the locks are on the inside. It not only eventually kills the addict, but it also kills the family, kids and people who try to help. On 9/3/2017 at 6:05 PM, caiteh said: I feel like a burden to my family. Every choice I've made in life has come back to bite me. I try so hard to be a good, genuine person... but this is what I get? I pray to god everyday to help me see the lesson in all of this... You are a good person; you tried and gave all you could to a person you loved. Know that's all you could have done. Being with an addict could be very demanding and difficult; if there was a burden, I'd think it was Adam on you. Don't think of yourself as a burden to your family; after all, that's what families are here for - to uplift one another in times of troubles. I too am a believer in prayer and God. Continue to pray; HE hears more than we ask; gives more than we imagine; and will answer when we least expect it - in HIS own time and HIS own way. I hope you continue to post. I truly believe there are lessons we need to learn; God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could learn in no other way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Heartbroken87 Posted October 14, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 14, 2017 So sorry for your loss. What sticks out to me was how badly your grievung process was disturbed. I remember my childs fathers mother said it was my fault never mind the fact i was the only thing keeping him together. Ive found the people who contributed to their downfall are the main ones pointing fingers. Or they think because he was high u were to even if that wasnt the case. My daughter was barely a sentence in his obituary. His sisters tried to fight me at the funeral. His father was made aware at the funeral hed be cremated per his evil ass moms request. All these things disurbed ny peace please dont let it distyrb yours. Im still reeling a year later. Its hard especially when u remember their sweet words or their smile. Hold on to that cause thats all we have. God bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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