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KylieL

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Has anyone been asked about their plans for future?

It's the third month. Every day I just do things that I want to, without thinking about the future. 

My mom talked to me few days ago. She asked me if I had any plans for the future, I don't know, and I honestly answered I have no plans.

But then she kept asking me to "live a new life."

"You should go outside and make new friends"

"You should just keep this in your heart and move on"

"You should think about the future. I can't support you forever."

I tried to explain to her, she just wanted me to do something that she thinks it's good for me.

I understand she is worrying about me, and I explained that I need time. But more I explain, the more she misunderstands. She thinks I'm "trapping" myself, but of course i'm not. I was not an outgoing person before and not even now. I have friends but they have work and they can't spend all the time with me. I don't have a job now because I don't want to burst into tears when I suddenly think of him during work. I don't want to make new friends because I am so tired to pretend I'm interested in what people talking about. I can barely laugh or smile. 

Last night I had a family dinner. I didn’t want to go. I hate this kind of dinner but my mom wished me to. So I just sit there, didn’t have anything to talk about. There are so many people, all are relatives, not very close. They don’t know what happened to me and that’s good because I don't want any "pity eyes". But I’m so tired hearing them talking, laughing. Then suddenly I realized it’s already September, and I remembered his plans. He said he would come visit me in late Aug and early Sep. If he’s still here, he would sit next to me, laugh, eat, and I would be so happy to introduce him to the others. But there’s only me, siting with so many people, feeling so alone. It took me so much to hold back the tears.

It’s only the third month. Three months ago we had so many plans. I spent so much effort to handle my school projects, exams, freelance work; to find a real job; to maintain the relationship with him. And I thought, when I finished my college, I could take a break from my busy life and finally stay with him. I didn’t expect everything ended at the same day … my busy life, my dreams and plans for the future.

“What are your plans for the future?”

I don’t know. Last time I had so many plans, and it ended in disaster. I don’t know how to plan anymore. I don’t know how to plan without him.

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7 minutes ago, KylieL said:

Has anyone been asked about their plans for future?

It's the third month. Every day I just do things that I want to, without thinking about the future. 

My mom talked to me few days ago. She asked me if I had any plans for the future, I don't know, and I honestly answered I have no plans.

But then she kept asking me to "live a new life."

"You should go outside and make new friends"

"You should just keep this in your heart and move on"

"You should think about the future. I can't support you forever."

I tried to explain to her, she just wanted me to do something that she thinks it's good for me.

I understand she is worrying about me, and I explained that I need time. But more I explain, the more she misunderstands. She thinks I'm "trapping" myself, but of course i'm not. I was not an outgoing person before and not even now. I have friends but they have work and they can't spend all the time with me. I don't have a job now because I don't want to burst into tears when I suddenly think of him during work. I don't want to make new friends because I am so tired to pretend I'm interested in what people talking about. I can barely laugh or smile. 

Last night I had a family dinner. I didn’t want to go. I hate this kind of dinner but my mom wished me to. So I just sit there, didn’t have anything to talk about. There are so many people, all are relatives, not very close. They don’t know what happened to me and that’s good because I don't want any "pity eyes". But I’m so tired hearing them talking, laughing. Then suddenly I realized it’s already September, and I remembered his plans. He said he would come visit me in late Aug and early Sep. If he’s still here, he would sit next to me, laugh, eat, and I would be so happy to introduce him to the others. But there’s only me, siting with so many people, feeling so alone. It took me so much to hold back the tears.

It’s only the third month. Three months ago we had so many plans. I spent so much effort to handle my school projects, exams, freelance work; to find a real job; to maintain the relationship with him. And I thought, when I finished my college, I could take a break from my busy life and finally stay with him. I didn’t expect everything ended at the same day … my busy life, my dreams and plans for the future.

“What are your plans for the future?”

I don’t know. Last time I had so many plans, and it ended in disaster. I don’t know how to plan anymore. I don’t know how to plan without him.

I totally understand your situation because its my third month also. I never thought i count my months in grieving  what i thought if i ever count month that would be my pregnancy month. We also had so many plans buying home having kids but all are gone now.

My mother and sister also saying that you should move on but i cant, i am stuck and i dont have any future plan either. Actually i am so scared for planning anything now so just give life remote control to destiny and accept whatever comes.

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5 hours ago, KylieL said:

Has anyone been asked about their plans for future?

It's much too soon to consider future when it's hard enough just making it through the day.  It's been 12 years for me and I still take one day at a time, it is enough.
People shouldn't ask about your plans for the future, it's very inappropriate.  They obviously aren't getting how wrenching this is for you.  We never "move on" from our grief, it changes us, it's with us, forever.  But we do eventually adjust and learn to live with our loss, I know, doesn't seem possible in the beginning, but it does happen.  Can't say when, it's different for all of us.

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2 months ago today for me.  

I'm retired even tho I am still "able bodied" and young enough to work.  My dear husband and I saved aggressively for many years so we could enjoy our retirement together.   
The only thing I have been asked is if I'll stay in our home.  Of course I will!  It's paid for; no mortgage; no serious repairs needed.  Why would I move?  It's not like it's a huge house that I get lost in.  
I have no plans for the future.  Like many of you I discovered that plans can be destroyed in the blink of an eye.  And even tho his health was declining, when I took him to the hospital that last time, I had no idea it would be "the" last time. So, no I don't make serious plans for the future.  Plans to go visit his kids or something yes.  But nothing for "my" future.   

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I hear you, June. I'm in the same boat as far as being retired. I could get a part time job,to take up some time, but I live in such an economically depressed area that I would feel guilty for taking a job opportunity away from someone who has a family to raise. My oldest daughter moved back home a few months ago and she hasn't had luck with finding a job either.

I have also been asked about future plans and moving somewhere for a "fresh start". My home is also paid for. It is the family homestead where my husband grew up at. Why would I want to leave the memories? Why would I want to make mortgage or rent payments at my age? I don't think about a future at all. I take this life one day at a time. I've gotten a little bolder when people ask me inappropriate questions. I tell them that if you lose your spouse, give me a call and I will give you the cold, cruel, hard facts of what you will be dealing with.

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I wouldn't worry about plans for the future. It's only been 3 months. Allow yourself time to grieve and things will figure itself out later when the time is right.

im in a different stage of my life.  I am a younger working professional. I have a mortgage.  I have a job.  I just work to pay my bills.  But aside from that, i absolutely do not have any future plans.  

I just take one day at a time.  Waking up without my wife next to me is difficult enough. I don't want to think or plan for anything else.

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

Waking up without my wife next to me is difficult enough.

This is the hardest thing I do every morning and its very upsetting that I can't focus on work.

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On 3/9/2017 at 1:07 AM, KylieL said:

Has anyone been asked about their plans for future?

It's the third month. Every day I just do things that I want to, without thinking about the future. 

My mom talked to me few days ago. She asked me if I had any plans for the future, I don't know, and I honestly answered I have no plans.

But then she kept asking me to "live a new life."

"You should go outside and make new friends"

"You should just keep this in your heart and move on"

"You should think about the future. I can't support you forever."

I tried to explain to her, she just wanted me to do something that she thinks it's good for me.

I understand she is worrying about me, and I explained that I need time. But more I explain, the more she misunderstands. She thinks I'm "trapping" myself, but of course i'm not. I was not an outgoing person before and not even now. I have friends but they have work and they can't spend all the time with me. I don't have a job now because I don't want to burst into tears when I suddenly think of him during work. I don't want to make new friends because I am so tired to pretend I'm interested in what people talking about. I can barely laugh or smile. 

Last night I had a family dinner. I didn’t want to go. I hate this kind of dinner but my mom wished me to. So I just sit there, didn’t have anything to talk about. There are so many people, all are relatives, not very close. They don’t know what happened to me and that’s good because I don't want any "pity eyes". But I’m so tired hearing them talking, laughing. Then suddenly I realized it’s already September, and I remembered his plans. He said he would come visit me in late Aug and early Sep. If he’s still here, he would sit next to me, laugh, eat, and I would be so happy to introduce him to the others. But there’s only me, siting with so many people, feeling so alone. It took me so much to hold back the tears.

It’s only the third month. Three months ago we had so many plans. I spent so much effort to handle my school projects, exams, freelance work; to find a real job; to maintain the relationship with him. And I thought, when I finished my college, I could take a break from my busy life and finally stay with him. I didn’t expect everything ended at the same day … my busy life, my dreams and plans for the future.

“What are your plans for the future?”

I don’t know. Last time I had so many plans, and it ended in disaster. I don’t know how to plan anymore. I don’t know how to plan without him.

Hi Kylie, I understand you, I really do. My situation is like yours, I ended up my College last years and for this year my plans were to find a job and move with Mario, so I am not working at the moment.

I am also on my third month, every day is harder, every day I feel more sad and depressed, and I try to keep myself busy, doing some things at home, taking my mum wherever she needs to go, taking care of my bunnies, watching series, and last Monday I started to look for a job, but even if I try yo keep myself busy there is no way I can get distracted, my mind and my thoughts are always on Mario and the accident and in the time on the hospital, recalling hurtful things and is hard for me to focus. I had exactly the same thought: I didn't want a job yet because I didn't felt ready, I don't want to burst into tears in the middle of coworkers, I don't want to explain myself over and over again and mostly I don't want people judging me.

Plans? What for?, I am always wondering why do I have to make a "new plan", I don't want to, I don't feel motivated I don't have a purpose, I know I can not depend on my parents my entire life, but my future seems so dark, as dark as the place I am now, I am more tired that I was yesterday.

I've read distractions is good for us, but at this point I don't know if something can really help me.

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35 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Plans? What for?, I am always wondering why do I have to make a "new plan", I don't want to, I don't feel motivated I don't have a purpose, I know I can not depend on my parents my entire life, but my future seems so dark, as dark as the place I am now, I am more tired that I was yesterday.

Dittoooo........

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58 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I try to keep myself busy, doing some things at home, taking my mum wherever she needs to go, taking care of my bunnies, watching series

I just go to office and once I back from office I don't talk to anyone, I know I have written these lines multiple time but I  don't have another words to describe my feelings, I am missing him so badly. On weekends my mother ask me to go outside but I didn't go anywhere, I just lay down on bed and cried alone at home, why this happened with me , what I have done wrong in past life. 

I miss you Goli please come back or take me away with you, I can't handle anymore.

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52 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I just go to office and once I back from office I don't talk to anyone, I know I have written these lines multiple time but I  don't have another words to describe my feelings, I am missing him so badly. On weekends my mother ask me to go outside but I didn't go anywhere, I just lay down on bed and cried alone at home, why this happened with me , what I have done wrong in past life. 

I miss you Goli please come back or take me away with you, I can't handle anymore.

I "pray" the same every night: "I miss you, come back or take me away with you" 

And say it a thousand more times if you need to, we are here for you because we understand the pain and we don't want to talk with anybody... What should I say? or why should I talk? I am not here anymore to please anyone, I am bad, and sad and people should respect that.

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2 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I "pray" the same every night: "I miss you, come back or take me away with you" 

And say it a thousand more times if you need to, we are here for you because we understand the pain and we don't want to talk with anybody... What should I say? or why should I talk? I am not here anymore to please anyone, I am bad, and sad and people should respect that.

Sometime I asked myself, why we are suffering this pain in such young age, what was the purpose of this cruelty, is this our past life karma. I have other cousins in family and they all happily married with their partners, few of them our elder than me and few are younger but nothing happened with them they have everything, why I am the only one who is suffering from this pain.

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On 2017/9/3 at 3:19 PM, LoveGoli said:

I totally understand your situation because its my third month also. I never thought i count my months in grieving  what i thought if i ever count month that would be my pregnancy month. We also had so many plans buying home having kids but all are gone now.

My mother and sister also saying that you should move on but i cant, i am stuck and i dont have any future plan either. Actually i am so scared for planning anything now so just give life remote control to destiny and accept whatever comes.

I don't exactly count days. Sometimes it feels like years, but also yesterday. I write diaries since my boyfriend died. Every time when I state the date or look at how many pages I wrote, I thought "oh, it's the third month now, how could it be", and soon there will be more ... 

Me too. I am stuck and lost. I just sit here, waiting for something, but I don't really know what I'm waiting for. 

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22 hours ago, KayC said:

It's much too soon to consider future when it's hard enough just making it through the day.  It's been 12 years for me and I still take one day at a time, it is enough.
People shouldn't ask about your plans for the future, it's very inappropriate.  They obviously aren't getting how wrenching this is for you.  We never "move on" from our grief, it changes us, it's with us, forever.  But we do eventually adjust and learn to live with our loss, I know, doesn't seem possible in the beginning, but it does happen.  Can't say when, it's different for all of us.

I was always amazed by the fact that it's been 12 years for you. I wonder if I can make it to 12 years. I started to learn how to live with the loss lately, but every time I hear my mom or anyone else asking about the future, I feel being knocked down again. Then I go back to mourn again. I take one day at a time too. Being alive is already a difficult task for me. 

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21 hours ago, June said:

2 months ago today for me.  

I'm retired even tho I am still "able bodied" and young enough to work.  My dear husband and I saved aggressively for many years so we could enjoy our retirement together.   
The only thing I have been asked is if I'll stay in our home.  Of course I will!  It's paid for; no mortgage; no serious repairs needed.  Why would I move?  It's not like it's a huge house that I get lost in.  
I have no plans for the future.  Like many of you I discovered that plans can be destroyed in the blink of an eye.  And even tho his health was declining, when I took him to the hospital that last time, I had no idea it would be "the" last time. So, no I don't make serious plans for the future.  Plans to go visit his kids or something yes.  But nothing for "my" future.   

I would stay too, if I were you. My boyfriend and I didn't live together, but we planned to. I still hope that I can stay in his house, actually I wish to stay there forever, though his family will never allow me to. 

I understand. I knew my boyfriend would die earlier because his body was always weak and he had to stay in the hospital for months last year to get better. I knew someday it would be our last time to talk so I spent every night talking to him, but I never thought it would be so soon that we couldn't even get time to finish any of our plans. I have "small plans" too, or tasks like finishing a book or a movie. Big plans or serious plans for future, I don't think I'm capable of doing that anymore. 

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

I don't think about a future at all. I take this life one day at a time. I've gotten a little bolder when people ask me inappropriate questions. I tell them that if you lose your spouse, give me a call and I will give you the cold, cruel, hard facts of what you will be dealing with.

That's what I was thinking. My mom said she understands how I feel because she was once young too. But there's nothing to do with age. She never lost her partner, my dad is still here, being healthy. And then she tried to bring up my grandpa, who passed away last year, basically because he was too old to live and he died peacefully. How could it be compared to my love's death? I will never say things like "if dad dies, you will understand", but TBH she will never understand until that day comes. 

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15 hours ago, Azipod said:

I wouldn't worry about plans for the future. It's only been 3 months. Allow yourself time to grieve and things will figure itself out later when the time is right.

im in a different stage of my life.  I am a younger working professional. I have a mortgage.  I have a job.  I just work to pay my bills.  But aside from that, i absolutely do not have any future plans.  

I just take one day at a time.  Waking up without my wife next to me is difficult enough. I don't want to think or plan for anything else.

I take one day at a time too. Sometimes I think maybe I should just find a job and make everyone shut up about my future, but I'm so tired to do that. And too tired to plan for anything. 

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4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Hi Kylie, I understand you, I really do. My situation is like yours, I ended up my College last years and for this year my plans were to find a job and move with Mario, so I am not working at the moment.

I am also on my third month, every day is harder, every day I feel more sad and depressed, and I try to keep myself busy, doing some things at home, taking my mum wherever she needs to go, taking care of my bunnies, watching series, and last Monday I started to look for a job, but even if I try yo keep myself busy there is no way I can get distracted, my mind and my thoughts are always on Mario and the accident and in the time on the hospital, recalling hurtful things and is hard for me to focus. I had exactly the same thought: I didn't want a job yet because I didn't felt ready, I don't want to burst into tears in the middle of coworkers, I don't want to explain myself over and over again and mostly I don't want people judging me.

Plans? What for?, I am always wondering why do I have to make a "new plan", I don't want to, I don't feel motivated I don't have a purpose, I know I can not depend on my parents my entire life, but my future seems so dark, as dark as the place I am now, I am more tired that I was yesterday.

I've read distractions is good for us, but at this point I don't know if something can really help me.

Sometimes I am amazed that we have so much in common but also sad that we both lost our soulmate. 

Yes, to all the words you said. I try to keep myself busy, find something to read, to watch. My mom gives me tasks all the time, helping her in the kitchen, cleaning the house ... I just do whatever she asks me to. But I feel so empty without his texts, his voice, his everything. I live with my parents and I try not to cry out loud because they will probably say something like "you should move on" again. I find out no matter how busy I am, I will always recall the good memories with him, and the memories from the day that I knew he's gone. He was a good singer and did many cover songs. I used to play his songs while doing my projects and freelance work. Now I love and also hate to listen to the songs because only his voice can calm me down, but it would always remind me that he is not here anymore. 

Distraction seems not working for me, it only reminds me "oh ... he's not here" again and again. So now I'm trying to put my feelings into words or art ... hoping that it will help me get used to live with the loss. 

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22 hours ago, KMB said:

I could get a part time job,to take up some time, but I live in such an economically depressed area that I would feel guilty for taking a job opportunity away from someone who has a family to raise.

It does help to do some volunteer work, and that's what I've chosen to do after retiring.  It gets me out around people some and helps me feel useful, as well as gives me somewhat of a schedule. 

6 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I know I have written these lines multiple time but I  don't have another words to describe my feelings, I am missing him so badly.

And that's okay if you repeat yourself, it's good to express it anyway, and if you can't talk to us, who can you talk to!  We understand. 

5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

what was the purpose of this cruelty, is this our past life karma

I no longer ask "why", I never got any resounding answers, just "what now" as that's the only thing before me...no it's not karma, we don't deserve this.  Others are happily still married only because of luck of the draw.  I guess I shouldn't play the lottery. 

3 hours ago, KylieL said:

I was always amazed by the fact that it's been 12 years for you. I wonder if I can make it to 12 years.

The one thing that continues is time.  I couldn't see my hand in front of me when I started this journey, didn't see how I could make it a week, wouldn't have thought it possible to survive years, but I've learned that time marches on and one day turns into another and they do add up.  I guess in the way I've done the last 12 years I'll keep on, until at last I can be with him again.  It's weird, but I don't miss him any less today than I did at first...if anything, perhaps more, although I've learned to do the time.   

3 hours ago, KylieL said:

She never lost her partner, my dad is still here, being healthy.

I'm glad my family doesn't say they understand, because they can't possibly.  They still have their husbands.  I think they try not to think about it too hard, they dismiss it from their minds because it's too hard to consider.  They really haven't a clue what it's like to always live alone and have no one, and worse yet, to always be missing that special person you love.

2 hours ago, KylieL said:

I try not to cry out loud because they will probably say something like "you should move on" again.

I hope you can find someplace to cry in peace because it's hard to hold it in and you need that release, but I understand how you don't want to in front of them, I think I'd do anything to not hear "you should move on".  I'm so glad my family has never said that to me, I couldn't be responsible for what I might say to them if they did!

 

2 hours ago, KylieL said:

I love and also hate to listen to the songs

Isn't that the truth!  Music was big to us, we had so many "our songs", we related to the love songs, ours was such a love story.  But it's too painful now, even still. 

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Think about the future is hard and painful. I don't think others realise just how painful of a question that is for us. Trying to think about what I may do for a possible 50+ years without my soulmate is crushing.

My response to that "What are you going to do now" question is simply - I have no idea. I made plans before and in an instant they were gone with him. What is the point in planning at this point? I'll see where life takes me I guess. Summary I guess it is: What are your plans? Whatever life holds for me.

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36 minutes ago, Cela said:

Think about the future is hard and painful. I don't think others realise just how painful of a question that is for us. Trying to think about what I may do for a possible 50+ years without my soulmate is crushing.

 

I agree with you so much.  Our life, goals, and future are all shattered.    Honestly, the only future "plan" that just naturally comes to mind is remembering how terrible life will be without my wife.

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Sometime I asked myself, why we are suffering this pain in such young age, what was the purpose of this cruelty, is this our past life karma. I have other cousins in family and they all happily married with their partners, few of them our elder than me and few are younger but nothing happened with them they have everything, why I am the only one who is suffering from this pain.

I have to see it daily, my older sister, she has a nice a house, lives with his partner and has a beautiful baby, she is only 4 years older than me, so I wonder, why I couldn't experience the same she is living? Right now I am not sure about anything, my faith and believes are vanishing, but I still think and believe our souls are our immortal part and they had lived many lives in the past. I also wondered what I did so wrong to deserve this? 

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7 hours ago, KylieL said:

Sometimes I am amazed that we have so much in common but also sad that we both lost our soulmate. 

Yes, to all the words you said. I try to keep myself busy, find something to read, to watch. My mom gives me tasks all the time, helping her in the kitchen, cleaning the house ... I just do whatever she asks me to. But I feel so empty without his texts, his voice, his everything. I live with my parents and I try not to cry out loud because they will probably say something like "you should move on" again. I find out no matter how busy I am, I will always recall the good memories with him, and the memories from the day that I knew he's gone. He was a good singer and did many cover songs. I used to play his songs while doing my projects and freelance work. Now I love and also hate to listen to the songs because only his voice can calm me down, but it would always remind me that he is not here anymore. 

Distraction seems not working for me, it only reminds me "oh ... he's not here" again and again. So now I'm trying to put my feelings into words or art ... hoping that it will help me get used to live with the loss. 

We will get used to this, it is funny because last time my mother was talking with my mother in law, she said she saw me as a daughter but she understands I have to "move on", it broke my heart, because I don't know what did she means with it; I won't NEVER move on, I might move forward, but it will be a process of years, and I want them to understand that Mario will be always part of me, and as a consequence, all the good and sad memories, I wish I could be "selective" about what I recall, but memories goes and comes as they please, the good ones and the bad ones. 

It is really good you can listen to his voice, we used to talk by whatsapp during the day, and he was always sending voice messages, and I don't feel ready to listen his voice yet, I wish I could, so many of those voice messages says wonderful and sweet things. 

I know how it feels, I can't get distracted either, is so hard for me to find a moment of "peace".

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4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

It is really good you can listen to his voice, we used to talk by whatsapp during the day, and he was always sending voice messages, and I don't feel ready to listen his voice yet, I wish I could, so many of those voice messages says wonderful and sweet things. 

I also have his one recording he made during doctor visit, because that day I was not with him (I was suffering from chickenpox) and I told him to record whatever doctor say about your reports so that I don't miss anything.

I am glad he did, now I hear that recording whenever I want and his voice , I miss his soft voice

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I really feel for those of you who have had such insensitive comments made to you - that those close to you say such things!!  It's difficult enough to get through the current day, let alone deal with folk wanting answers to issues that are too scary for us to even consider. 

I've had two people tell me that I need to spend time doing more with my life.  My life is now consumed with fighting for the truth about why my man was killed and researching and making complaints against the sloppy work of professional people who weren't interested in finding out the truth.  

One was a high ranking person in authority who knows he will be a recipient of such a complaint and was trying to fob me off.  As I told him - this is my life now !!  And once the legal issues are over, I will share what I have learnt in a bid to help others who have the misfortune to find themselves in my shoes.  

The other was a well meaning friend of ours who is very supportive and kind.  She saw my bristles instantly go up and explained she was meaning after the legal issues are over.  

I think folk recognise and acknowledge only that we have lost our much loved life partners.  They can see our pain and aloneness in our eyes and on our faces, but don't see or don't want to see, the many 'secondary losses' that start kicking in soon after we've buried our loved ones.  And we really don't like talking about these, because we know it's likely they won't be understood and will perhaps be minimised.  From what I've experienced and picked up, siblings and adult children of the lost one have their own comfy lives and the secondary losses do not affect them.   But, the secondary losses have a huge impact on our lives.    

 

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

I hope you can find someplace to cry in peace because it's hard to hold it in and you need that release, but I understand how you don't want to in front of them, I think I'd do anything to not hear "you should move on".  I'm so glad my family has never said that to me, I couldn't be responsible for what I might say to them if they did!

I usually cry in the shower now, I can't cry in front of anyone. I cried once when my mom asked me about the future. I said I understand what she said about "moving on", but then she asked me "if you understand then why are you crying?" I laughed because from that moment I knew she will never understand. It's not about I understand, it's about if I can or not.

9 hours ago, Cela said:

Trying to think about what I may do for a possible 50+ years without my soulmate is crushing.

8 hours ago, Azipod said:

Our life, goals, and future are all shattered.    Honestly, the only future "plan" that just naturally comes to mind is remembering how terrible life will be without my wife.

So true. 50 years that I was supposed to be with him. And the future "plan" for me is spending my whole life missing that person I love.

6 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I have to see it daily, my older sister, she has a nice a house, lives with his partner and has a beautiful baby, she is only 4 years older than me, so I wonder, why I couldn't experience the same she is living? Right now I am not sure about anything, my faith and believes are vanishing, but I still think and believe our souls are our immortal part and they had lived many lives in the past. I also wondered what I did so wrong to deserve this? 

I heard people talking about the new babies that my cousins have during the family dinner. One of them just married few months ago. I thought I would be the same, being married and having babies ... everything. I wonder if I did something bad in my past life too. All I want is a normal life like the others. Is it so hard for me to get one? I used to pray sometimes, and I prayed for safety for me and him every time, didn't ask for anything else because I can achieve most with effort. But then he was taken away, and that is the only thing that no matter how I work hard or put so much effort, I can never bring him back. 

7 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

it is funny because last time my mother was talking with my mother in law, she said she saw me as a daughter but she understands I have to "move on", it broke my heart, because I don't know what did she means with it; I won't NEVER move on, I might move forward, but it will be a process of years, and I want them to understand that Mario will be always part of me

I understand, my boyfriend's sister also told me that she and I have to "move on". Maybe it's because before my boyfriend died, he said he would be happy if I find a job and meet a new boyfriend. And she thinks I should become what he wants me to. But I can't. I even wonder why it's important for me to get a job when I don't even have a future anymore. I'm glad your mother in law saw you as a daughter. I think his family and friends treats me as stranger. 

7 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

It is really good you can listen to his voice, we used to talk by whatsapp during the day, and he was always sending voice messages, and I don't feel ready to listen his voice yet, I wish I could, so many of those voice messages says wonderful and sweet things. 

2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I also have his one recording he made during doctor visit, because that day I was not with him (I was suffering from chickenpox) and I told him to record whatever doctor say about your reports so that I don't miss anything.

I am glad he did, now I hear that recording whenever I want and his voice , I miss his soft voice

12 hours ago, KayC said:

Isn't that the truth!  Music was big to us, we had so many "our songs", we related to the love songs, ours was such a love story.  But it's too painful now, even still. 

I listen to the skype recording everyday. Even though I already remember all the conversations, I still smile when I hear the same funny things he said. While the songs, it's so much. He covered 30+ songs last year and most of them were meant for me. When I listen to it now, it's sweet but also bitter. It's painful that there will be no more songs, no more sweet conversations from him. 

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5 minutes ago, M88 said:

I think folk recognise and acknowledge only that we have lost our much loved life partners.  They can see our pain and aloneness in our eyes and on our faces, but don't see or don't want to see, the many 'secondary losses' that start kicking in soon after we've buried our loved ones.  And we really don't like talking about these, because we know it's likely they won't be understood and will perhaps be minimised.  From what I've experienced and picked up, siblings and adult children of the lost one have their own comfy lives and the secondary losses do not affect them.   But, the secondary losses have a huge impact on our lives.  

I agree with this. Most of them don't see the secondary losses, don't recognize there are more than just loneliness and sadness. Sometimes they try to avoid talking about something that make us sad (the loss) and bring up something that "brightens" our mood(future, plans ...). But they don't know we lost our future at the same day we lost our soulmate. The secondary losses hit us so much because our soulmate was our everything, not just part of our lives.

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13 hours ago, KylieL said:

I agree with this. Most of them don't see the secondary losses, don't recognize there are more than just loneliness and sadness. Sometimes they try to avoid talking about something that make us sad (the loss) and bring up something that "brightens" our mood(future, plans ...). But they don't know we lost our future at the same day we lost our soulmate. The secondary losses hit us so much because our soulmate was our everything, not just part of our lives.

I have been avoiding most people because of their opinions about what they think I should be doing. They are not in my shoes. Until they are, and they will be at some point, they should just not open their mouth.

I am sorry for your loss, Kylie. Our losses and this despicable, debilitating grieving can be so hard to handle.

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On 9/4/2017 at 7:23 AM, KylieL said:

That's what I was thinking. My mom said she understands how I feel because she was once young too. But there's nothing to do with age. She never lost her partner, my dad is still here, being healthy. And then she tried to bring up my grandpa, who passed away last year, basically because he was too old to live and he died peacefully. How could it be compared to my love's death? I will never say things like "if dad dies, you will understand", but TBH she will never understand until that day comes. 

It is so true KylieL. Only those that have lost a soulmate can EVER understand our grief. NOBODY else gets it no matter how hard we try to make them understand. I could hold a class to explain this new life and no amount of lecture, study, or learning could ever prepare someone for this. It is so frustrating because most things in life can be taught or explained. Not this. Not what we endure every day. It breaks my heart to know that so many people in my life will go through this one day. That so many people I love will have their hearts torn out. To top it off, at a time when we need sympathy so badly, we get the opposite.

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33 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

To top it off, at a time when we need sympathy so badly, we get the opposite.

Why do we think this is? 

Is it because people are afraid of our sadness and in their minds can't bear to think if it were to happen to them? 

Afraid to upset us by talking about our loves so they act like they never existed? 

I find it puzzling. We had a lot of friends. I'm at just over 2 months and while I still make small chat with a lot, a lot of distance now exists. Partly I'm to blame as I feel I can't relate to their lives anymore, but I wish some would come to my home and sit with me and allow me to share what I need or want to share. I don't know what I need, I don't know what to ask for, but I'm not ready to pretend that everything is fine yet so I don't seem particularly welcomed at social gatherings. 

I was actually part of a group message about a friends party over the weekend. I guess my one "friend" didn't realize I was part of the group thread as I had not responded to any of the messages and there were about 15 or so people involved. Anyway, she asked the group if they should invite me or not or if wanted to keep the party vibe up and further asked if they thought I would be mad if I wasn't invited. Almost immediately another friend who was the host chimed in and informed this person that I was invited and was on the thread and apologized on behalf of this other person. I simply exited the group message. The "friend" who had asked whether I should be invited has attempted to apologize and explain that she worded it poorly, etc. 

basically, I know I've included this long tangent but I think, at least for me, so many want to know "plans" because they want me to hurry up and be back to my previous fun self. I feel as if they want to ask how long I will be a grieving widow. When will I pull myself together and and be the old me? 

I find it all insensitive and horrible considering these people were OUR friends. Don't they miss my husband too? Didn't they love his friendship? 

It's different for them. They can't comprehend. And as I'm 25 and my husband was 32, our friends are similar ages. We shouldn't be even having to navigate these waters of losing spouses yet. They are all in the stage of marrying and starting families. Happy times and I'm a mood killer. 

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3 hours ago, Cela said:

Why do we think this is? 

Is it because people are afraid of our sadness and in their minds can't bear to think if it were to happen to them? 

Afraid to upset us by talking about our loves so they act like they never existed? 

I find it puzzling. We had a lot of friends. I'm at just over 2 months and while I still make small chat with a lot, a lot of distance now exists. Partly I'm to blame as I feel I can't relate to their lives anymore, but I wish some would come to my home and sit with me and allow me to share what I need or want to share. I don't know what I need, I don't know what to ask for, but I'm not ready to pretend that everything is fine yet so I don't seem particularly welcomed at social gatherings. 

I was actually part of a group message about a friends party over the weekend. I guess my one "friend" didn't realize I was part of the group thread as I had not responded to any of the messages and there were about 15 or so people involved. Anyway, she asked the group if they should invite me or not or if wanted to keep the party vibe up and further asked if they thought I would be mad if I wasn't invited. Almost immediately another friend who was the host chimed in and informed this person that I was invited and was on the thread and apologized on behalf of this other person. I simply exited the group message. The "friend" who had asked whether I should be invited has attempted to apologize and explain that she worded it poorly, etc. 

basically, I know I've included this long tangent but I think, at least for me, so many want to know "plans" because they want me to hurry up and be back to my previous fun self. I feel as if they want to ask how long I will be a grieving widow. When will I pull myself together and and be the old me? 

I find it all insensitive and horrible considering these people were OUR friends. Don't they miss my husband too? Didn't they love his friendship? 

It's different for them. They can't comprehend. And as I'm 25 and my husband was 32, our friends are similar ages. We shouldn't be even having to navigate these waters of losing spouses yet. They are all in the stage of marrying and starting families. Happy times and I'm a mood killer. 

I think you've summed it up pretty well. We are the living reminder of the ultimate pain in life. People see us and think that there is a chance that they too may be in our position one day(they have a 50/50 chance). People don't want to think about death and when they see us, death becomes front of mind. When they are not around us, they can compartmentalize the thoughts and move on with their regularly scheduled lives. It's not fair, it just is. I am conscious of the fact that I might bring the room down sometimes just by my presence. So I try to be as positive and "happy" as I can be when I am invited because I don't want people to stop inviting me(I mean who wants to be around someone who is so sad all the time). I also know that people don't know how to act around us. They walk on eggshells around us and think that if they bring the name of our soulmate up we will suddenly start thinking about them. They just don't get the fact that we think about them all day every day. I am blessed to have very understanding friends and family who were very close to Lori too. I have been able to have very candid conversations with some of them about what my new life entails. I have learned the lessons from those on this forum that have gone before me and their advice has served me well. There are too many stories of friendships and family members lost for me not to apply the knowledge that has been bestowed upon me so graciously by members of this forum.

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I agree, they see us and they're faced with their own demise or mortality and don't like looking at it.  They can't "fix" our situation and they don't know how to respond.  It makes them very uncomfortable so they disappear on us.  Well it makes US uncomfortable too, only we can't run from it!

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24 minutes ago, KayC said:

I agree, they see us and they're faced with their own demise or mortality and don't like looking at it.  They can't "fix" our situation and they don't know how to respond.  It makes them very uncomfortable so they disappear on us.  Well it makes US uncomfortable too, only we can't run from it!

SO SO true. They are uncomfortable for a few minutes to a few hours. WE are in this position FOREVER. Any time they want to trade places they can call me up. 

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9 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Any time they want to trade places they can call me up. 

No kidding!

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 I have learned the lessons from those on this forum that have gone before me and their advice has served me well. There are too many stories of friendships and family members lost for me not to apply the knowledge that has been bestowed upon me so graciously by members of this forum.

I have not been a member of this forum particularly long, but already find it so helpful to me.  I don't want to lose family or friends. I haven't intentionally pushed anybody away. I'd like to be included and I do feel sorry that by me existing as an individual now and not as a pair that I make this uncomfortableness. 

I guess I struggle with that most of my friends are engaged, soon to be engaged, or newly married. I think it's a tough time for me to be alone when they are literally starting the happiest periods of their lives, as should I have. 

@Eagle-96 what pieces of advice do you feel have best helped you maintain your relationships that you've learned from this forum? 

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30 minutes ago, Cela said:

 

what pieces of advice do you feel have best helped you maintain your relationships that you've learned from this forum? 

1. Staying in touch with friends and family members is a two-way street. I have to remind myself that my phone also makes outbound calls and texts too. If I want to keep the relationships alive I have to make an effort. Mind you, I just don't have the energy or desire sometimes to do that but it is necessary if I want the relationships.

2. People(sometimes those you are closest to) say stupid things and when they do, it usually comes from good intentions but bad execution. Often they are the cliches and platitudes they think might be helpful to us but they just come out wrong("He/she is in a better place." , "They are not in pain anymore.", " They would want you to do that".) It's not their fault. They are just repeating things they think might help you. 

3. You discover who your real/true friends are during times like these. REMEMBER those people who are in your corner and hold tight to them. Those are the people to build/maintain the relationships with.

4. Take the time to check with your friends and family members who were close to your soulmate to see how they are dealing with this. I have to take a step back sometimes and remember that I am not the only one grieving Lori's death. She was a daughter-in-law, sister, aunt, daughter, sister-in-law, friend, etc... They are all grieving in their own way and one in which I cannot fully understand as I have not lost a friend, sister, aunt etc... I have to remember to take the time to REALLY ask how they are and be there for them through their grief. This also is a two-way street.

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On 9/3/2017 at 2:07 AM, KylieL said:

What are your plans for the future?”

I don’t know. Last time I had so many plans, and it ended in disaster. I don’t know how to plan anymore. I don’t know how to plan without him.

I don't see a future for myself without my Charles.  Today marks the 9 month since he left this earth and all my plans, hopes and dreams went with him.  The hardest thing I've ever had to endure was loosing my Charles and the hardest thing I've ever done is to live everyday since that moment.  I'm always trying to fill the void, the emptiness and the loneliness that is left in my heart since he left.  I don't plan, don't expect; don't look forward to; don't hope for; don't look ahead to anything anymore. 

They say everyone deserves something that makes them look forward to tomorrow; and perhaps that's true, but where my mind is now,  my tomorrows are one day closer to being reunited with my Charles. My saving grace is my love and trust in God.  I know HE helped me get started and HE is going to help me finish. HE didn't bring me this far to leave me.

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21 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

1. Staying in touch with friends and family members is a two-way street. I have to remind myself that my phone also makes outbound calls and texts too. If I want to keep the relationships alive I have to make an effort. Mind you, I just don't have the energy or desire sometimes to do that but it is necessary if I want the relationships.

2. People(sometimes those you are closest to) say stupid things and when they do, it usually comes from good intentions but bad execution. Often they are the cliches and platitudes they think might be helpful to us but they just come out wrong("He/she is in a better place." , "They are not in pain anymore.", " They would want you to do that".) It's not their fault. They are just repeating things they think might help you. 

3. You discover who your real/true friends are during times like these. REMEMBER those people who are in your corner and hold tight to them. Those are the people to build/maintain the relationships with.

4. Take the time to check with your friends and family members who were close to your soulmate to see how they are dealing with this. I have to take a step back sometimes and remember that I am not the only one grieving Lori's death. She was a daughter-in-law, sister, aunt, daughter, sister-in-law, friend, etc... They are all grieving in their own way and one in which I cannot fully understand as I have not lost a friend, sister, aunt etc... I have to remember to take the time to REALLY ask how they are and be there for them through their grief. This also is a two-way street.

Good advice!  I didn't get the opportunity to keep old friends, they disappeared immediately, not even attending his funeral!  These same suggestions can apply to family too, and I'm thankful my family aren't fair weather friends.

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31 minutes ago, KayC said:

Good advice!  I didn't get the opportunity to keep old friends, they disappeared immediately, not even attending his funeral!  These same suggestions can apply to family too, and I'm thankful my family aren't fair weather friends.

It's like the saying goes that what we do every day is "grief work". And that is exactly what we do every day. We work! This is a job, and a difficult one at that. The healing, the growth, the pain. It's ALL work. I have to work through the pain and despair I feel. I have to work to maintain the relationships that matter to me. I have to work to continue to be the person that Lori fell in love with AND the person she helped shape me into. I have to work some days to just get out of bed and perform the daily tasks that I once thought were so trivial and mundane. Everything we do, we have to work harder than ever before now.

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And I remember early in my grief when I first learned I was expected to "work" at my grief, I felt angry because I never asked for any of this to happen and all of a sudden all this is thrust upon me without provocation!

In time I realized I could work at it or not work at it, the choice was mine, but to give myself the very best chance for making it through this I needed to give it all I've got.  I no longer resent the work I've put into my grief, but I do understand the anger from new grievers, this is a huge thing to try to wrap your head around!  I now look at this as my calling and purpose.  I liked my previous life a whole lot better, of course, no comparison, but at least I've found some purpose in trying to help others going through the shrapnel like I have.  I think it's instinct to want to dodge the bullets.

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On 9/6/2017 at 6:28 PM, Francine said:

 

 

I don't see a future for myself without my Charles.  Today marks the 9 month since he left this earth and all my plans, hopes and dreams went with him.  The hardest thing I've ever had to endure was loosing my Charles and the hardest thing I've ever done is to live everyday since that moment.  I'm always trying to fill the void, the emptiness and the loneliness that is left in my heart since he left.  I don't plan, don't expect; don't look forward to; don't hope for; don't look ahead to anything anymore. 

They say everyone deserves something that makes them look forward to tomorrow; and perhaps that's true, but where my mind is now,  my tomorrows are one day closer to being reunited with my Charles. My saving grace is my love and trust in God.  I know HE helped me get started and HE is going to help me finish. HE didn't bring me this far to leave me.

 

Ditto on your post, Francine. There is no where on this earth I want to go, or no motivation for doing anything. My husband and I shared everything and I just cannot see myself enjoying anything solo, or with one of the kids or a friend. Nothing will be enjoyable again without the one person I shared it all with. I know this is negative thinking, but hey, I didn't agree to losing my husband so soon and have my life shattered.

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On 9/6/2017 at 3:17 PM, Eagle-96 said:

1. Staying in touch with friends and family members is a two-way street. I have to remind myself that my phone also makes outbound calls and texts too. If I want to keep the relationships alive I have to make an effort. Mind you, I just don't have the energy or desire sometimes to do that but it is necessary if I want the relationships.

2. People(sometimes those you are closest to) say stupid things and when they do, it usually comes from good intentions but bad execution. Often they are the cliches and platitudes they think might be helpful to us but they just come out wrong("He/she is in a better place." , "They are not in pain anymore.", " They would want you to do that".) It's not their fault. They are just repeating things they think might help you. 

3. You discover who your real/true friends are during times like these. REMEMBER those people who are in your corner and hold tight to them. Those are the people to build/maintain the relationships with.

4. Take the time to check with your friends and family members who were close to your soulmate to see how they are dealing with this. I have to take a step back sometimes and remember that I am not the only one grieving Lori's death. She was a daughter-in-law, sister, aunt, daughter, sister-in-law, friend, etc... They are all grieving in their own way and one in which I cannot fully understand as I have not lost a friend, sister, aunt etc... I have to remember to take the time to REALLY ask how they are and be there for them through their grief. This also is a two-way street.

Thank you for sharing this advice. I'm sorry it has taken me days to respond, although I did read it soon after it was posted. I am making more of an effort to reach out and remember it is a two-way street and I've actually had some positive experiences in the last few days. 

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;

On 9/9/2017 at 8:54 PM, KMB said:

 My husband and I shared everything and I just cannot see myself enjoying anything solo, or with one of the kids or a friend. Nothing will be enjoyable again without the one person I shared it all with. I know this is negative thinking, but hey, I didn't agree to losing my husband so soon and have my life shattered.

It's uncanny how much alike our thinking is. There are three moments that I will never forget; the moment Charles and I met, the moment he made me his wife, and the moment he took his last breath.  I love him so much and there's not a single moment in the whole day when I don't miss him..  I'm the lucky one who knew him, who still loves him,  whose life will forever be divided into a before and after, because of him.    Sometimes the only reason why I am afraid of holding on to what is making me sad is because it was the one thing that made us happy.  It will be the little things that we remember; the quiet moments, their *Smiles*,their *Laughter*. I like to think that it will be the memories of these little things that will help push away the pain and bring some of the smiles back. Well, I hope so.

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Francine,  :wub:   My sentiments exactly.  I feel in my heart that if Ed were here in my shoes, he would be feeling and thinking the same as I do. His loss hurts so deeply.

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Plans are tough. Everything changed when Rachel died. My future dreams and goals all revolved around her. I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. I think I want to go back to school.

I see a lot of friends of mine were just fair weather friends and not a lot of people talk to me. I try to make dinner plans or to go out for coffee, no one is really interested. I guess it's awkward or they don't know what to say to me. 

I think of how busy I would be on weekends with Rachel around this time of year because of the Renaissance Faire, it was as much work for me watching the kid, and driving around a lot as it was for her, but the quality time was worth it. Now I just sit around, play video games, binge watch feel good comedies, and sleep. I pull myself together enough for when I see Rachel's daughter and to show her a nice time. My work attendance has been erratic, I just want to sleep and not live in the present. My therapist told me to not allow Rachel's death ruin my life, as that will be apart of her legacy. I want to remember her for the good times and not my downfall. 

Plans though? Over 3 months since and I don't have any concrete plans. My mom wants the family to go on vacation together next year, i don't even want to discuss that. I'm not ready for plans beyond one day at a time.

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It's too soon, Rob, it's too much to expect you to make plans beyond today.  It's enough that you get out of bed at this point.

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Today marks the third month since I lost my boyfriend. I feel the worst. There are so much going on lately. Everything makes my grief complicated. 

Yesterday my brother left a message saying he will be out of the country for a while, and he left. My mom and I went to his house immediately but he's already gone. I found his old phone, logged into his email, found out he went to Iraq. He said he will explain after he come back but without saying volunteering in what. My mom was so terrified, she kept asking whether she did anything wrong or raised us in the wrong way that both her children are being like this. I tried to tell her none of the events happened to us is her fault but she kept saying sorry to me and telling me that she don't want to lose us. This gave me the worst headache, I feel sorry that I can't find any words to comfort her. I know my mom loves me but I feel stressed from all of her words. I was scared too. I wanted to call my boyfriend to find comfort but then I realized he's dead. It's the worst. I'm grieving so hard and I can't handle things like these. Like last second I was writing my diary about how much I miss my boyfriend and how much I want to reunite with him, and then I found out my brother left his home. I feel so stressed from all of these.

I'm sorry this isn't really related to the topic but I don't know where to turn. 

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Kylie,

Everything we go through is in relation to our losing them because we no longer have them to turn to, talk to, go through things with.  Whereas once you would have talked this over with your BF, now you find yourself alone in dealing with this, and just when you're already beyond your capacity!  Assure your mom you're still here with her and your brother made his decisions, it had no correlation to her, she has nothing to apologize for.  All you can do is trust your brother had his reasons and pray for his safety.  Is your brother in the service?  I remember when my son was in the Air Force all his friends were going overseas and he volunteered to because of survivor's guilt, wanting to do his part, but they wouldn't send him there, told him they needed him where he was.  I remember telling him that his getting killed wouldn't help his friends.  It's harsh, the whole thing, and complicated, but I pray for all our men over there, pray they'll come home safely, and now that includes your brother, whatever he is doing.  Sometimes they don't get a chance to explain beforehand.  Gosh, Kylie, I'm sorry, this is hard, and couldn't come at a worse time for you.  :(

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KylieL,  I am praying for you and your family. I cannot think of any words to help up at this time, but Kay said it really well. It does seem that since our losses, other things that are overwhelming keep popping up. We need our special loved one more than ever and it is the toughest to cope without them.

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