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KylieL   

Has anyone been asked about their plans for future?

It's the third month. Every day I just do things that I want to, without thinking about the future. 

My mom talked to me few days ago. She asked me if I had any plans for the future, I don't know, and I honestly answered I have no plans.

But then she kept asking me to "live a new life."

"You should go outside and make new friends"

"You should just keep this in your heart and move on"

"You should think about the future. I can't support you forever."

I tried to explain to her, she just wanted me to do something that she thinks it's good for me.

I understand she is worrying about me, and I explained that I need time. But more I explain, the more she misunderstands. She thinks I'm "trapping" myself, but of course i'm not. I was not an outgoing person before and not even now. I have friends but they have work and they can't spend all the time with me. I don't have a job now because I don't want to burst into tears when I suddenly think of him during work. I don't want to make new friends because I am so tired to pretend I'm interested in what people talking about. I can barely laugh or smile. 

Last night I had a family dinner. I didn’t want to go. I hate this kind of dinner but my mom wished me to. So I just sit there, didn’t have anything to talk about. There are so many people, all are relatives, not very close. They don’t know what happened to me and that’s good because I don't want any "pity eyes". But I’m so tired hearing them talking, laughing. Then suddenly I realized it’s already September, and I remembered his plans. He said he would come visit me in late Aug and early Sep. If he’s still here, he would sit next to me, laugh, eat, and I would be so happy to introduce him to the others. But there’s only me, siting with so many people, feeling so alone. It took me so much to hold back the tears.

It’s only the third month. Three months ago we had so many plans. I spent so much effort to handle my school projects, exams, freelance work; to find a real job; to maintain the relationship with him. And I thought, when I finished my college, I could take a break from my busy life and finally stay with him. I didn’t expect everything ended at the same day … my busy life, my dreams and plans for the future.

“What are your plans for the future?”

I don’t know. Last time I had so many plans, and it ended in disaster. I don’t know how to plan anymore. I don’t know how to plan without him.

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LoveGoli   
7 minutes ago, KylieL said:

Has anyone been asked about their plans for future?

It's the third month. Every day I just do things that I want to, without thinking about the future. 

My mom talked to me few days ago. She asked me if I had any plans for the future, I don't know, and I honestly answered I have no plans.

But then she kept asking me to "live a new life."

"You should go outside and make new friends"

"You should just keep this in your heart and move on"

"You should think about the future. I can't support you forever."

I tried to explain to her, she just wanted me to do something that she thinks it's good for me.

I understand she is worrying about me, and I explained that I need time. But more I explain, the more she misunderstands. She thinks I'm "trapping" myself, but of course i'm not. I was not an outgoing person before and not even now. I have friends but they have work and they can't spend all the time with me. I don't have a job now because I don't want to burst into tears when I suddenly think of him during work. I don't want to make new friends because I am so tired to pretend I'm interested in what people talking about. I can barely laugh or smile. 

Last night I had a family dinner. I didn’t want to go. I hate this kind of dinner but my mom wished me to. So I just sit there, didn’t have anything to talk about. There are so many people, all are relatives, not very close. They don’t know what happened to me and that’s good because I don't want any "pity eyes". But I’m so tired hearing them talking, laughing. Then suddenly I realized it’s already September, and I remembered his plans. He said he would come visit me in late Aug and early Sep. If he’s still here, he would sit next to me, laugh, eat, and I would be so happy to introduce him to the others. But there’s only me, siting with so many people, feeling so alone. It took me so much to hold back the tears.

It’s only the third month. Three months ago we had so many plans. I spent so much effort to handle my school projects, exams, freelance work; to find a real job; to maintain the relationship with him. And I thought, when I finished my college, I could take a break from my busy life and finally stay with him. I didn’t expect everything ended at the same day … my busy life, my dreams and plans for the future.

“What are your plans for the future?”

I don’t know. Last time I had so many plans, and it ended in disaster. I don’t know how to plan anymore. I don’t know how to plan without him.

I totally understand your situation because its my third month also. I never thought i count my months in grieving  what i thought if i ever count month that would be my pregnancy month. We also had so many plans buying home having kids but all are gone now.

My mother and sister also saying that you should move on but i cant, i am stuck and i dont have any future plan either. Actually i am so scared for planning anything now so just give life remote control to destiny and accept whatever comes.

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KayC   
5 hours ago, KylieL said:

Has anyone been asked about their plans for future?

It's much too soon to consider future when it's hard enough just making it through the day.  It's been 12 years for me and I still take one day at a time, it is enough.
People shouldn't ask about your plans for the future, it's very inappropriate.  They obviously aren't getting how wrenching this is for you.  We never "move on" from our grief, it changes us, it's with us, forever.  But we do eventually adjust and learn to live with our loss, I know, doesn't seem possible in the beginning, but it does happen.  Can't say when, it's different for all of us.

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June   

2 months ago today for me.  

I'm retired even tho I am still "able bodied" and young enough to work.  My dear husband and I saved aggressively for many years so we could enjoy our retirement together.   
The only thing I have been asked is if I'll stay in our home.  Of course I will!  It's paid for; no mortgage; no serious repairs needed.  Why would I move?  It's not like it's a huge house that I get lost in.  
I have no plans for the future.  Like many of you I discovered that plans can be destroyed in the blink of an eye.  And even tho his health was declining, when I took him to the hospital that last time, I had no idea it would be "the" last time. So, no I don't make serious plans for the future.  Plans to go visit his kids or something yes.  But nothing for "my" future.   

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KMB   

I hear you, June. I'm in the same boat as far as being retired. I could get a part time job,to take up some time, but I live in such an economically depressed area that I would feel guilty for taking a job opportunity away from someone who has a family to raise. My oldest daughter moved back home a few months ago and she hasn't had luck with finding a job either.

I have also been asked about future plans and moving somewhere for a "fresh start". My home is also paid for. It is the family homestead where my husband grew up at. Why would I want to leave the memories? Why would I want to make mortgage or rent payments at my age? I don't think about a future at all. I take this life one day at a time. I've gotten a little bolder when people ask me inappropriate questions. I tell them that if you lose your spouse, give me a call and I will give you the cold, cruel, hard facts of what you will be dealing with.

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Azipod   

I wouldn't worry about plans for the future. It's only been 3 months. Allow yourself time to grieve and things will figure itself out later when the time is right.

im in a different stage of my life.  I am a younger working professional. I have a mortgage.  I have a job.  I just work to pay my bills.  But aside from that, i absolutely do not have any future plans.  

I just take one day at a time.  Waking up without my wife next to me is difficult enough. I don't want to think or plan for anything else.

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LoveGoli   
4 hours ago, Azipod said:

Waking up without my wife next to me is difficult enough.

This is the hardest thing I do every morning and its very upsetting that I can't focus on work.

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Ka9219   
On 3/9/2017 at 1:07 AM, KylieL said:

Has anyone been asked about their plans for future?

It's the third month. Every day I just do things that I want to, without thinking about the future. 

My mom talked to me few days ago. She asked me if I had any plans for the future, I don't know, and I honestly answered I have no plans.

But then she kept asking me to "live a new life."

"You should go outside and make new friends"

"You should just keep this in your heart and move on"

"You should think about the future. I can't support you forever."

I tried to explain to her, she just wanted me to do something that she thinks it's good for me.

I understand she is worrying about me, and I explained that I need time. But more I explain, the more she misunderstands. She thinks I'm "trapping" myself, but of course i'm not. I was not an outgoing person before and not even now. I have friends but they have work and they can't spend all the time with me. I don't have a job now because I don't want to burst into tears when I suddenly think of him during work. I don't want to make new friends because I am so tired to pretend I'm interested in what people talking about. I can barely laugh or smile. 

Last night I had a family dinner. I didn’t want to go. I hate this kind of dinner but my mom wished me to. So I just sit there, didn’t have anything to talk about. There are so many people, all are relatives, not very close. They don’t know what happened to me and that’s good because I don't want any "pity eyes". But I’m so tired hearing them talking, laughing. Then suddenly I realized it’s already September, and I remembered his plans. He said he would come visit me in late Aug and early Sep. If he’s still here, he would sit next to me, laugh, eat, and I would be so happy to introduce him to the others. But there’s only me, siting with so many people, feeling so alone. It took me so much to hold back the tears.

It’s only the third month. Three months ago we had so many plans. I spent so much effort to handle my school projects, exams, freelance work; to find a real job; to maintain the relationship with him. And I thought, when I finished my college, I could take a break from my busy life and finally stay with him. I didn’t expect everything ended at the same day … my busy life, my dreams and plans for the future.

“What are your plans for the future?”

I don’t know. Last time I had so many plans, and it ended in disaster. I don’t know how to plan anymore. I don’t know how to plan without him.

Hi Kylie, I understand you, I really do. My situation is like yours, I ended up my College last years and for this year my plans were to find a job and move with Mario, so I am not working at the moment.

I am also on my third month, every day is harder, every day I feel more sad and depressed, and I try to keep myself busy, doing some things at home, taking my mum wherever she needs to go, taking care of my bunnies, watching series, and last Monday I started to look for a job, but even if I try yo keep myself busy there is no way I can get distracted, my mind and my thoughts are always on Mario and the accident and in the time on the hospital, recalling hurtful things and is hard for me to focus. I had exactly the same thought: I didn't want a job yet because I didn't felt ready, I don't want to burst into tears in the middle of coworkers, I don't want to explain myself over and over again and mostly I don't want people judging me.

Plans? What for?, I am always wondering why do I have to make a "new plan", I don't want to, I don't feel motivated I don't have a purpose, I know I can not depend on my parents my entire life, but my future seems so dark, as dark as the place I am now, I am more tired that I was yesterday.

I've read distractions is good for us, but at this point I don't know if something can really help me.

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LoveGoli   
35 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Plans? What for?, I am always wondering why do I have to make a "new plan", I don't want to, I don't feel motivated I don't have a purpose, I know I can not depend on my parents my entire life, but my future seems so dark, as dark as the place I am now, I am more tired that I was yesterday.

Dittoooo........

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LoveGoli   
58 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I try to keep myself busy, doing some things at home, taking my mum wherever she needs to go, taking care of my bunnies, watching series

I just go to office and once I back from office I don't talk to anyone, I know I have written these lines multiple time but I  don't have another words to describe my feelings, I am missing him so badly. On weekends my mother ask me to go outside but I didn't go anywhere, I just lay down on bed and cried alone at home, why this happened with me , what I have done wrong in past life. 

I miss you Goli please come back or take me away with you, I can't handle anymore.

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Ka9219   
52 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I just go to office and once I back from office I don't talk to anyone, I know I have written these lines multiple time but I  don't have another words to describe my feelings, I am missing him so badly. On weekends my mother ask me to go outside but I didn't go anywhere, I just lay down on bed and cried alone at home, why this happened with me , what I have done wrong in past life. 

I miss you Goli please come back or take me away with you, I can't handle anymore.

I "pray" the same every night: "I miss you, come back or take me away with you" 

And say it a thousand more times if you need to, we are here for you because we understand the pain and we don't want to talk with anybody... What should I say? or why should I talk? I am not here anymore to please anyone, I am bad, and sad and people should respect that.

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LoveGoli   
2 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I "pray" the same every night: "I miss you, come back or take me away with you" 

And say it a thousand more times if you need to, we are here for you because we understand the pain and we don't want to talk with anybody... What should I say? or why should I talk? I am not here anymore to please anyone, I am bad, and sad and people should respect that.

Sometime I asked myself, why we are suffering this pain in such young age, what was the purpose of this cruelty, is this our past life karma. I have other cousins in family and they all happily married with their partners, few of them our elder than me and few are younger but nothing happened with them they have everything, why I am the only one who is suffering from this pain.

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KylieL   
On 2017/9/3 at 3:19 PM, LoveGoli said:

I totally understand your situation because its my third month also. I never thought i count my months in grieving  what i thought if i ever count month that would be my pregnancy month. We also had so many plans buying home having kids but all are gone now.

My mother and sister also saying that you should move on but i cant, i am stuck and i dont have any future plan either. Actually i am so scared for planning anything now so just give life remote control to destiny and accept whatever comes.

I don't exactly count days. Sometimes it feels like years, but also yesterday. I write diaries since my boyfriend died. Every time when I state the date or look at how many pages I wrote, I thought "oh, it's the third month now, how could it be", and soon there will be more ... 

Me too. I am stuck and lost. I just sit here, waiting for something, but I don't really know what I'm waiting for. 

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KylieL   
22 hours ago, KayC said:

It's much too soon to consider future when it's hard enough just making it through the day.  It's been 12 years for me and I still take one day at a time, it is enough.
People shouldn't ask about your plans for the future, it's very inappropriate.  They obviously aren't getting how wrenching this is for you.  We never "move on" from our grief, it changes us, it's with us, forever.  But we do eventually adjust and learn to live with our loss, I know, doesn't seem possible in the beginning, but it does happen.  Can't say when, it's different for all of us.

I was always amazed by the fact that it's been 12 years for you. I wonder if I can make it to 12 years. I started to learn how to live with the loss lately, but every time I hear my mom or anyone else asking about the future, I feel being knocked down again. Then I go back to mourn again. I take one day at a time too. Being alive is already a difficult task for me. 

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KylieL   
21 hours ago, June said:

2 months ago today for me.  

I'm retired even tho I am still "able bodied" and young enough to work.  My dear husband and I saved aggressively for many years so we could enjoy our retirement together.   
The only thing I have been asked is if I'll stay in our home.  Of course I will!  It's paid for; no mortgage; no serious repairs needed.  Why would I move?  It's not like it's a huge house that I get lost in.  
I have no plans for the future.  Like many of you I discovered that plans can be destroyed in the blink of an eye.  And even tho his health was declining, when I took him to the hospital that last time, I had no idea it would be "the" last time. So, no I don't make serious plans for the future.  Plans to go visit his kids or something yes.  But nothing for "my" future.   

I would stay too, if I were you. My boyfriend and I didn't live together, but we planned to. I still hope that I can stay in his house, actually I wish to stay there forever, though his family will never allow me to. 

I understand. I knew my boyfriend would die earlier because his body was always weak and he had to stay in the hospital for months last year to get better. I knew someday it would be our last time to talk so I spent every night talking to him, but I never thought it would be so soon that we couldn't even get time to finish any of our plans. I have "small plans" too, or tasks like finishing a book or a movie. Big plans or serious plans for future, I don't think I'm capable of doing that anymore. 

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KylieL   
19 hours ago, KMB said:

I don't think about a future at all. I take this life one day at a time. I've gotten a little bolder when people ask me inappropriate questions. I tell them that if you lose your spouse, give me a call and I will give you the cold, cruel, hard facts of what you will be dealing with.

That's what I was thinking. My mom said she understands how I feel because she was once young too. But there's nothing to do with age. She never lost her partner, my dad is still here, being healthy. And then she tried to bring up my grandpa, who passed away last year, basically because he was too old to live and he died peacefully. How could it be compared to my love's death? I will never say things like "if dad dies, you will understand", but TBH she will never understand until that day comes. 

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KylieL   
15 hours ago, Azipod said:

I wouldn't worry about plans for the future. It's only been 3 months. Allow yourself time to grieve and things will figure itself out later when the time is right.

im in a different stage of my life.  I am a younger working professional. I have a mortgage.  I have a job.  I just work to pay my bills.  But aside from that, i absolutely do not have any future plans.  

I just take one day at a time.  Waking up without my wife next to me is difficult enough. I don't want to think or plan for anything else.

I take one day at a time too. Sometimes I think maybe I should just find a job and make everyone shut up about my future, but I'm so tired to do that. And too tired to plan for anything. 

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KylieL   
4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Hi Kylie, I understand you, I really do. My situation is like yours, I ended up my College last years and for this year my plans were to find a job and move with Mario, so I am not working at the moment.

I am also on my third month, every day is harder, every day I feel more sad and depressed, and I try to keep myself busy, doing some things at home, taking my mum wherever she needs to go, taking care of my bunnies, watching series, and last Monday I started to look for a job, but even if I try yo keep myself busy there is no way I can get distracted, my mind and my thoughts are always on Mario and the accident and in the time on the hospital, recalling hurtful things and is hard for me to focus. I had exactly the same thought: I didn't want a job yet because I didn't felt ready, I don't want to burst into tears in the middle of coworkers, I don't want to explain myself over and over again and mostly I don't want people judging me.

Plans? What for?, I am always wondering why do I have to make a "new plan", I don't want to, I don't feel motivated I don't have a purpose, I know I can not depend on my parents my entire life, but my future seems so dark, as dark as the place I am now, I am more tired that I was yesterday.

I've read distractions is good for us, but at this point I don't know if something can really help me.

Sometimes I am amazed that we have so much in common but also sad that we both lost our soulmate. 

Yes, to all the words you said. I try to keep myself busy, find something to read, to watch. My mom gives me tasks all the time, helping her in the kitchen, cleaning the house ... I just do whatever she asks me to. But I feel so empty without his texts, his voice, his everything. I live with my parents and I try not to cry out loud because they will probably say something like "you should move on" again. I find out no matter how busy I am, I will always recall the good memories with him, and the memories from the day that I knew he's gone. He was a good singer and did many cover songs. I used to play his songs while doing my projects and freelance work. Now I love and also hate to listen to the songs because only his voice can calm me down, but it would always remind me that he is not here anymore. 

Distraction seems not working for me, it only reminds me "oh ... he's not here" again and again. So now I'm trying to put my feelings into words or art ... hoping that it will help me get used to live with the loss. 

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KayC   
22 hours ago, KMB said:

I could get a part time job,to take up some time, but I live in such an economically depressed area that I would feel guilty for taking a job opportunity away from someone who has a family to raise.

It does help to do some volunteer work, and that's what I've chosen to do after retiring.  It gets me out around people some and helps me feel useful, as well as gives me somewhat of a schedule. 

6 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I know I have written these lines multiple time but I  don't have another words to describe my feelings, I am missing him so badly.

And that's okay if you repeat yourself, it's good to express it anyway, and if you can't talk to us, who can you talk to!  We understand. 

5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

what was the purpose of this cruelty, is this our past life karma

I no longer ask "why", I never got any resounding answers, just "what now" as that's the only thing before me...no it's not karma, we don't deserve this.  Others are happily still married only because of luck of the draw.  I guess I shouldn't play the lottery. 

3 hours ago, KylieL said:

I was always amazed by the fact that it's been 12 years for you. I wonder if I can make it to 12 years.

The one thing that continues is time.  I couldn't see my hand in front of me when I started this journey, didn't see how I could make it a week, wouldn't have thought it possible to survive years, but I've learned that time marches on and one day turns into another and they do add up.  I guess in the way I've done the last 12 years I'll keep on, until at last I can be with him again.  It's weird, but I don't miss him any less today than I did at first...if anything, perhaps more, although I've learned to do the time.   

3 hours ago, KylieL said:

She never lost her partner, my dad is still here, being healthy.

I'm glad my family doesn't say they understand, because they can't possibly.  They still have their husbands.  I think they try not to think about it too hard, they dismiss it from their minds because it's too hard to consider.  They really haven't a clue what it's like to always live alone and have no one, and worse yet, to always be missing that special person you love.

2 hours ago, KylieL said:

I try not to cry out loud because they will probably say something like "you should move on" again.

I hope you can find someplace to cry in peace because it's hard to hold it in and you need that release, but I understand how you don't want to in front of them, I think I'd do anything to not hear "you should move on".  I'm so glad my family has never said that to me, I couldn't be responsible for what I might say to them if they did!

 

2 hours ago, KylieL said:

I love and also hate to listen to the songs

Isn't that the truth!  Music was big to us, we had so many "our songs", we related to the love songs, ours was such a love story.  But it's too painful now, even still. 

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Cela   

Think about the future is hard and painful. I don't think others realise just how painful of a question that is for us. Trying to think about what I may do for a possible 50+ years without my soulmate is crushing.

My response to that "What are you going to do now" question is simply - I have no idea. I made plans before and in an instant they were gone with him. What is the point in planning at this point? I'll see where life takes me I guess. Summary I guess it is: What are your plans? Whatever life holds for me.

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Azipod   
36 minutes ago, Cela said:

Think about the future is hard and painful. I don't think others realise just how painful of a question that is for us. Trying to think about what I may do for a possible 50+ years without my soulmate is crushing.

 

I agree with you so much.  Our life, goals, and future are all shattered.    Honestly, the only future "plan" that just naturally comes to mind is remembering how terrible life will be without my wife.

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Ka9219   
10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Sometime I asked myself, why we are suffering this pain in such young age, what was the purpose of this cruelty, is this our past life karma. I have other cousins in family and they all happily married with their partners, few of them our elder than me and few are younger but nothing happened with them they have everything, why I am the only one who is suffering from this pain.

I have to see it daily, my older sister, she has a nice a house, lives with his partner and has a beautiful baby, she is only 4 years older than me, so I wonder, why I couldn't experience the same she is living? Right now I am not sure about anything, my faith and believes are vanishing, but I still think and believe our souls are our immortal part and they had lived many lives in the past. I also wondered what I did so wrong to deserve this? 

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Ka9219   
7 hours ago, KylieL said:

Sometimes I am amazed that we have so much in common but also sad that we both lost our soulmate. 

Yes, to all the words you said. I try to keep myself busy, find something to read, to watch. My mom gives me tasks all the time, helping her in the kitchen, cleaning the house ... I just do whatever she asks me to. But I feel so empty without his texts, his voice, his everything. I live with my parents and I try not to cry out loud because they will probably say something like "you should move on" again. I find out no matter how busy I am, I will always recall the good memories with him, and the memories from the day that I knew he's gone. He was a good singer and did many cover songs. I used to play his songs while doing my projects and freelance work. Now I love and also hate to listen to the songs because only his voice can calm me down, but it would always remind me that he is not here anymore. 

Distraction seems not working for me, it only reminds me "oh ... he's not here" again and again. So now I'm trying to put my feelings into words or art ... hoping that it will help me get used to live with the loss. 

We will get used to this, it is funny because last time my mother was talking with my mother in law, she said she saw me as a daughter but she understands I have to "move on", it broke my heart, because I don't know what did she means with it; I won't NEVER move on, I might move forward, but it will be a process of years, and I want them to understand that Mario will be always part of me, and as a consequence, all the good and sad memories, I wish I could be "selective" about what I recall, but memories goes and comes as they please, the good ones and the bad ones. 

It is really good you can listen to his voice, we used to talk by whatsapp during the day, and he was always sending voice messages, and I don't feel ready to listen his voice yet, I wish I could, so many of those voice messages says wonderful and sweet things. 

I know how it feels, I can't get distracted either, is so hard for me to find a moment of "peace".

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LoveGoli   
4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

It is really good you can listen to his voice, we used to talk by whatsapp during the day, and he was always sending voice messages, and I don't feel ready to listen his voice yet, I wish I could, so many of those voice messages says wonderful and sweet things. 

I also have his one recording he made during doctor visit, because that day I was not with him (I was suffering from chickenpox) and I told him to record whatever doctor say about your reports so that I don't miss anything.

I am glad he did, now I hear that recording whenever I want and his voice , I miss his soft voice

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M88   

I really feel for those of you who have had such insensitive comments made to you - that those close to you say such things!!  It's difficult enough to get through the current day, let alone deal with folk wanting answers to issues that are too scary for us to even consider. 

I've had two people tell me that I need to spend time doing more with my life.  My life is now consumed with fighting for the truth about why my man was killed and researching and making complaints against the sloppy work of professional people who weren't interested in finding out the truth.  

One was a high ranking person in authority who knows he will be a recipient of such a complaint and was trying to fob me off.  As I told him - this is my life now !!  And once the legal issues are over, I will share what I have learnt in a bid to help others who have the misfortune to find themselves in my shoes.  

The other was a well meaning friend of ours who is very supportive and kind.  She saw my bristles instantly go up and explained she was meaning after the legal issues are over.  

I think folk recognise and acknowledge only that we have lost our much loved life partners.  They can see our pain and aloneness in our eyes and on our faces, but don't see or don't want to see, the many 'secondary losses' that start kicking in soon after we've buried our loved ones.  And we really don't like talking about these, because we know it's likely they won't be understood and will perhaps be minimised.  From what I've experienced and picked up, siblings and adult children of the lost one have their own comfy lives and the secondary losses do not affect them.   But, the secondary losses have a huge impact on our lives.    

 

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