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One year next month October 20


Chasisdope

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I can't believe it's going to be a whole entire year on October 20th. Life goes on but my heart still aches. I still want my husband. I finally was able to answer people by saying I am a widow instead of I'm married. Our daughter is now in Pre-K. I honestly hate death. I hate the fact that families and loved ones have to be torn apart. The reality of how this world operates is terrifying. 

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Chasisdope,

It's good to hear from you again, I'd wondered how you were doing.  My husband and my anniversary is October 19th, you'll be in my thoughts as you approach your deathiversary.  It's hard to give name to our "status" at first, it's like owning it, very rough.

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I still tell people I'm married. If strangers ask questions about my wife I still answer them like she's still alive. Is that weird?

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On 9/1/2017 at 1:42 PM, Chasisdope said:

I can't believe it's going to be a whole entire year on October 20th. Life goes on but my heart still aches. I still want my husband. I finally was able to answer people by saying I am a widow instead of I'm married. Our daughter is now in Pre-K. I honestly hate death. I hate the fact that families and loved ones have to be torn apart. The reality of how this world operates is terrifying. 

I am happy to read that you have found strength and have carried on towards the 1 year mark.  I hope you can reflect on the positive progress you have made.  I recently lost my wife, and we are in our 30s.

Do you have any tips or feedback for us folks who have lost our spouse at an 'earlier' age?  I think we are a unique group of our own but recognize at the end of the day we all grieve for our spouse the same way. It is just how we are affected.

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19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I still tell people I'm married. If strangers ask questions about my wife I still answer them like she's still alive. Is that weird?

You aren't ready to accept reality yet.  It can take quite a while, this is a hard thing to process.  I don't think it's weird at all.
 

 

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On 9/3/2017 at 2:23 PM, Djh0901kc said:

I still tell people I'm married. If strangers ask questions about my wife I still answer them like she's still alive. Is that weird?

It is not weird at all. I haven't had any strangers ask me about my wife yet so even though I am prepared to say I am a widower, I'm not sure how I'll react in the moment. I have found that words like weird, normal, and strange have entirely different meanings for us now. 

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On 9/3/2017 at 2:23 PM, Djh0901kc said:

 

I still tell people I'm married. If strangers ask questions about my wife I still answer them like she's still alive. Is that weird?

 

I do not think it is weird either. Our loss dumped us upside down and into a shattered mess. It takes a very long time, if ever, to put some of our pieces back into some kind of convoluted order. I have been in this hell for a little over a year now. I still cannot believe that. Still feels like yesterday when my world fell apart. I stay pretty much to myself and interact with the few people who haven't left my life. I have yet to interact with anyone who asks about my status. I still wear my wedding ring, so if anyone does notice, they go on their own assumption. I have never said the "widow" word yet and I have no idea what my reaction will be if asked. I am always going to be my husband's wife. Physical death didn't change that status for me.

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On my left ring finger my wife and I both have the infinity symbol with our initials tattooed. Since she passed, I wear her favorite ring on my right ring finger. I talk to 20-30 homeowners a day for work. Many of them want to make conversation and frequently they ask about the rings and my wife. I called her Yogi Bear and she called me BooBoo. I have a yogi tattoo on my forearm and she had the matching booboo. That brings questions as well. Like I said, I just say the same things I would have before she died. It feels strange to lie but I can't bring myself to tell them the truth

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I love that!  With us, George was Big Bear and I was his Little Bear.  The infinity symbol was ours as well and we had it on our wedding bands (which I designed) and on a necklace he designed for me...both of us did our designs separately and were amazed when compared because we had not talked about them to each other until afterwards.  It shows how on the same wave length we were.

infinity necklace.JPG

rings-2.JPG

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On 9/1/2017 at 3:42 PM, Chasisdope said:

I can't believe it's going to be a whole entire year on October 20th. Life goes on but my heart still aches. I still want my husband. I finally was able to answer people by saying I am a widow instead of I'm married. Our daughter is now in Pre-K. I honestly hate death. I hate the fact that families and loved ones have to be torn apart. The reality of how this world operates is terrifying. 

Strange how quickly time fly by, faster than we can ever imagine. I know about the aching heart.  My heart aches everyday for my Charles and like you, will never forget him.  He is in my waking thoughts, my sweetest memories and dearest dreams.  

If identifying yourself as a widow to others was something you wanted to do and was finally able to - well good for you.  I guess I'm just the opposite.  I don't identify myself as a widow, and don't think I'll ever be or want to be. In my mind, I'm still married and will always be.  I know and accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they were.  I must decide to move on and take a chance in the unknown, or stay behind, locked in the past, thinking of what I had and lost and what might have been.   I guess one would choose the former instead of the latter, but to be totally honest, I don't know;  I was happy in the past.  Perhaps new beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.

This is a terrifying world and the redeeming fact is it is not our home, thank God. We're just passing through; but when we get home, nothing will tear us apart ever again.  Take care of your beautiful daughter; kids grow so fast.  Children are gifts from God on loan to us.  We never know just how long we will be able to keep them.  So kiss her, cuddle her, praise her and hold her tightly.   But most of all tell her you love her everyday.  My daughter is grown now, but when I reflect back, it felt as if she was born, I turned and she was tiny,  I turned around and she was grown, and I turned around again, she was a young wife with kids of her own.  - Time actually flys by.

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The only thing we can do is take things one minute a time, and keep reminding yourself that you're loved. I kept telling myself and still do tell myself that my husband loves me very much. And it would hurt him to see me abandon myself and our kids. I know he would tell me how proud he is of me and how much he appreciates my daughter and I for doing our best to stay strong. It is the hardest thing. 

I still feel lost at times and wonder why. But no one has the answers. No one will. Not until the day when our time is up and even then who knows where we would really end up. All I can do is hope and have faith that he will always be waiting for us.

The first time, I mentioned that I was a widow, I hated it. But it had to be done. I hate that I have to refer to him as my late husband. But I have to, in order to remind myself of the reality that I'm facing. Everything hurts but it does help to just carry on with daily activities and not remind myself of the pain and hurt he went through.

Whenever I pull up our photos, videos, and memories it brings me back to square one. So, I only do so until I could feel myself about to fall back into that misery, so I quickly pull myself out and do other things to stay positive. Always remember that we have our daughter. She does help so much in keeping my mindset where it should be.

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I still wear my wedding ring and proudly wear the tattoo I got in honor of him and his battle with leukemia. I still have his photos, his clothes, wallet, etc. in our home. His ashes in our home. I still do get offended when people tell me to get rid of it but I don't go off on them anymore. They just don't know what stage of grief I'm in. I don't even. 

One thing, that I truly appreciate is being able to come here for comfort. 

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Hi Chassis,  It is good to hear from you. Yes, all we can do is keep plugging away, day after day. We do not have a choice. I'm glad your children are giving you a reason to keep going forward. They carry your husband's love and legacy in them as well. It falls on us now to keep their memory alive and try to continue living as they would have.

It has been a little over a year for me and I am still lost. My life revolved around my husband. I still don't know what to do with myself. I keep myself busy with chores and projects for now. Maybe someday, another purpose will present itself .I also still wear my wedding ring. In my heart, I am still my husband's wife and the ring will never come off. My husband's belongings are still as is. They can stay that way until I'm no longer here too. Everyone who knows me, knows better than to say anything about what I do or don't do. This is my grief road and until they lose their soul mate, they have no understanding of how devastating this is.

13 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

 

The only thing we can do is take things one minute a time, and keep reminding yourself that you're loved. I kept telling myself and still do tell myself that my husband loves me very much.

 

That is one of the best ways to keep ourselves going. Remembering that we are loved and being watched over and protected by our loved one. That love is always there.

The life line of this forum is a great place to fall back on. We need each other here.  Sending you prayers for continued strength.

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16 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

I still wear my wedding ring and proudly wear the tattoo I got in honor of him and his battle with leukemia. I still have his photos, his clothes, wallet, etc. in our home. His ashes in our home. I still do get offended when people tell me to get rid of it but I don't go off on them anymore. They just don't know what stage of grief I'm in. I don't even. 

One thing, that I truly appreciate is being able to come here for comfort. 

The five stages of grief wasn't intended for us anyway, it was meant for terminal illness...the "stages" we may or may not have, they're not in a set order, they can be back and forth or skipped altogether.  In other words, we are where we are, period.  I'm glad you are self aware and realize when people tell you what you "should" be doing, that you are right where you need to be!

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