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[Mickyboy52]

Hi all new here my wife passed Dec 28 and our eldest daughter august, I'm at a total loss and the loneliness is horrible drinking like a fish and smoking as if there's no tomorrow, friends seem to have disappeared and don't get in touch anymore, sometimes wonder why I should go on, same thing day in day out, plus moved to new area small town, spend most days looking out of window this is really getting me down now am also retired.

[Iriss]

I'm so sorry for your unimaginable losses. I'm glad you've found here and I hope you continue to share. 

I often ask myself similar questions and wonder at times how I am going to survive this, but I try to not think too much into the future. Tackle and hour at a time if need be. 

I'm sorry you don't have support. Are there any grief groups locally you could join for support? Or maybe see a counselor 1-on-1?

[Eagle-96]

Micky,

I am so very sorry for both of your losses. It's hard enough to deal with the loss of your spouse then to have to grieve your daughter as well. I can't imagine what you are dealing with. I am sorry you are here but glad you found us. We are here for you and hope that we can provide any help to you we can. We will listen with an open mind and without judgement. 

[KayC]

Mickey,

You are dealing with multiple losses, moving, a lot of changes.  It does help to get out so you're not alone all the time staring at the walls.    I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and the loss of your daughter.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

Caution, alcohol is a depressant, not something we need more of so try to limit your intake for your mental well being.  We need all the help we can get to try to be upbeat.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Mickyboy]

Thanks for all messages did have pet he died as well, just seems like all are going from me so I might as well join in seems best all this bad karma have to get weed out in minute, what did I do in former life, and have to see docs mon there left me a message to contact them, hope its something bad, 

[KMB]

Micky, My heart goes out to you with all your losses. It seems like when life wants to kick us down, it does a good job of it. Losing my husband has been the worst to have happened to me. But to lose one of my kids and a pet also, would have most likely sent me over the edge for sure. I've been close to the edge for a little over a year now. I have to constantly make a daily effort to stay away from the edge. Like KayC said, alcohol is a depressant and the limit needs to be watched. I made that mistake myself during a cold, lonely winter night. I wanted to get away from the pain, if only for a little while. Spent the night drinking. Couldn't get any sleep and felt even worse the next day. I wasn't used to drinking and the guilt I had for that one night took me a while to get over.  Hang in there the best you can, one day at a time. We are here, when you need to reach out and have someone listen.

[M88]

I too am very sorry for your losses, Micky.  Unimaginable to lose both your wife and daughter.  Life must be very difficult with a move of home also, and having no support.  

When you see the Dr perhaps ask if there is a local grief support group.  If there is, not only could it be helpful for you in your grief, but it will put you in contact with other people.  

Hubby & I moved to this village not long before we retired so I don't know many people here.  I have found helping others to be not only helpful with my grief, but I meet other people through those I help.  

All here know the 'aloneness' of widowhood and trauma - no amount of support from friends and family can relieve of us of that, but it can sure help bolster our sense of worth.  

I'm glad you found us and hope you will keep posting and reading. 

Sending strength and hugs. 

 

[Ka9219]

Micky I am sorry about your losses, I can't imagine the pain is overwhelming after losing two important persons in your live, I wish I could say something good enough in order to make you feel better, but we both now the pain is to much and no words are capable to take it away. I know the loneliness you are talking about, not only your wife and your daughter, but also your "friends", it is hard to understand why they "don't care" or at least they "don't show they care", but sadly, they don't understand what you are feeling the unbearable sadness, the pain and the daily struggle of keep living without them. I think we also expect so much from them, we are in need of so much love, attention and support and maybe they can not understand we need so much of them, and mostly, since they haven't deal with death they don't know what to say or how to react when we are grieving.

I know sometimes life seems meaningless, people said that one day we might found a little of peace and a way to handle the pain, always be patient with you, it is still too recent and you know you are still hurting, try to avoid drinking, is only harder when you "come back to reality", smoking is not good either but people says it calms you -I don't know because I've never smoke- but please, you said your "elder daughter" passed away, it means you have one or more daughters/sons left, used them as your support, support each other because family is what we need the most in this dark times.

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Mickyboy said:

Thanks for all messages did have pet he died as well, just seems like all are going from me so I might as well join in seems best all this bad karma have to get weed out in minute, what did I do in former life, and have to see docs mon there left me a message to contact them, hope its something bad, 

Micky,

I'm sorry you lost your pet as well.  I don't think it's karma that causes it, you didn't bring this on yourself.  The bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, in other words, life just happens, it seems no rhyme or reason, we just do our best to get through what's handed us.  
Ka9219 offered good advice, I hope you'll consider it.  It takes much time to adjust to the changes our loss has meant to our lives, but in time we do eventually adjust.  It's never the same again, that's for sure, but I hope you can continue to look for good where it is, with your other child.