1 Year Anniversary

[4Hdad]

This has become a rather lengthy recap of the past year. I apologize in advance for the long read, and for the drama. It has a happy ending, as it were. Short story is, we're healing.

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the morning I found my wife. She had passed away in the night from a ruptured cerebral berry aneurysm. I administered CPR until first responders arrived, to no effect. She was gone when I found her.

The next few months were spent in a state of shock. We were together for 22 years, and while our marriage was far from perfect, we had a life together. We'd been through a hell of a lot, and while there was less of the affection and excitement that comes with a new relationship, there was love and a certain understanding. All of that was gone in an instant. I was suddenly alone, left to care for our two daughters, one in college and another who began her first day of high school the day after her mother died, as well as my mother in law, who'd been living with us for years. Our world was upended. It was up to me to discover what the new normal was going to look like.

I had to learn to grieve, like all of us do. I also had to take into account that, while my own grief was unfolding, I had two kids and a mother in law whose grief all took very different forms, with very little of that grief coinciding on our separate paths. I also had a whole new set of responsibilities, picking up the reins as it were, as my wife and youngest daughter had two horses together which I'd had very little to do with. What I found was that my grief seemed easier to process; I had already been grieving a loss of closeness with my wife for years. We'd done couples counseling, which was a waste of time. It takes two, as they say. I continued my own counseling for years after, struggling with my less-than-ideal marriage, with the result being that I had finally given myself permission to make a guilt-free choice - stay, or leave. I chose to stay, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. It wasn't perfect, but I had a family, and while I recognized it's shortcomings, I also recognized that I wanted it more than the alternative.

My grief was real, but having already grieved and accepted a certain amount of loss in the relationship, it seemed to be less than my kids and mother in law. I struggled with my younger daughter for months, who was immediately resentful of me coming in to her world with the horses and having to be the parent. We've come to some great understandings in the past year, and we're now in a good place - worlds apart from where we began. My older daughter seemed to handle it better, but she had her own demons to wrestle with. She felt picked on by her mom and sister constantly, and I was always coming to her defense it seemed, because it was obvious how they ganged up on her. She's a sensitive kid and, like all bullies, they sensed that and exploited it together. I don't think they meant to cause her pain, but they also didn't see how their actions hurt. So, I would jump in and redirect their fire quite often. So, she had to come to a place of forgiveness with her mom as well as grieve her loss. 

My mother in law was a different story. She had always been cranky, to put it kindly. She picked on everyone but her daughter. Actually, she stopped laying in to me a few years back when she butted in to a teachable moment I was having with my youngest and I shut her down. My wife always had a hard time standing up to her mom. I'd tell her, you've got to talk to her about the way she speaks to the kids, the oldest in particular - seeing a pattern? But, she never did. She just couldn't stand up to her. When her daughter passed away, she was a different woman. She hated the world, and I couldn't blame her. As she became more bitter, more mean, we all started to just leave her alone and let her have her way, because nobody wanted to confront her. She can't take constructive criticism and won't admit when she's wrong, and she loves to argue. She'd become a little tyrant in the house and we all felt like we were having to walk on eggshells in our own home. I saw that the little battles she'd won over the years had built up a certain expectation that she would always have her way, and she was not about to give up that kind of control. But, over the second half of the last year, she began to lose that control. We began taking it back, and she didn't like that.

We began fixing up the house, changing things. It began slowly, painting walls, rearranging furniture. She hated it. She thought we were destroying the house her daughter had built. She was partially correct. I am the first person to tell you that my wife was an unrepentant slob. She simply didn't care about that kind of thing. It was a major point of contention for us, for years, until I had finally given up that fight. I wanted to take that part of my life back, and my sister wanted to help. So, while updating the house was an important thing for me to do moving forward, it probably seemed disrespectful to her. Like it or not, it was happening without her consent or approval. I never removed any photos or memorabilia of my wife, but we were doing some major cleanup.

I met a girl. I was a widow for 8 months. she's a woman I'd worked with many years ago. We began going out to shows, just as friends. She was also a widow, having lost her fiancé some 6 years earlier. We truly enjoyed each other company, platonically. We were good friends. It became something more. We began dating. I fell for her. It was mutual. I started to show signs of enjoying life again, being happy again. My older daughter was happy for me. My younger daughter wanted to be happy for me, she truly did, but it was more difficult for her to accept. My mother in law said she wanted me to be happy, but I was unconvinced of her sincerity as she became more active in her bitterness, and I found she had started talking about people behind our backs. She told me lies about my sister. She told my sister lies about my girlfriend. She told my girlfriend lies about my sister. She was just trying to create unrest, and it was backfiring. My older daughter couldn't stand living in our home any more and moved out. Then, the unbelievable happened - my mother in law decided to move out as well. She moved in with her brother. I never asked her to, it was entirely her idea.

We were all ecstatic. 

I may seem flippant, but I honestly did everything I could for the woman to make her comfortable and cared for. We were there for her when nobody else was. She is just really, really bitter, and while I completely understand it, I was really coming to end of my rope. My mother in law didn't speak to me for the last 4 days before she moved, as I had asserted myself on some minor point of contention and she didn't appreciate it. I wasn't disrespectful, but I was assertive. There is a difference that she can't seem to comprehend. Anyway, my house my rules. At the end, she was planting seeds into my daughters ear, trying to get my youngest to move away with her. Ha! Like I would allow that to happen, ever.

She's been gone a month and the house seems...lighter. There was a shadow lingering over us that moved away with her. It's just my youngest and I in the house, along with my sister who is there most of the time now, and it's like a whole new world. We happily eat at the table together every night instead of everyone scattering to their rooms to avoid discomfort. There is laughter daily where there once was none. I play music in the evenings without the fear of it poking the bear.

It's been a transformative year. Where I had felt the beginnings of hope kindling in my heart for this new woman, there was always a grain of salt to take that with because my home was so damned depressing all the time. Now, I feel like we all have hope for the coming year. My oldest is settling in to her new apartment with terrific roommates, and spreading her wings seems to be doing her a world of good. My youngest is already beginning to change the way she is at home, because she, too, feared provoking her grandmother's wrath. It feels like she's coming out of a great and terrible darkness. To top it off, she's finally agreed to see a grief counselor. This is all good news.

We're a long ways away from whole, but we're on a much better path now. 

Last night was the one year anniversary of losing my wife, and I reflected upon that time with some sadness, but also with hope for the future. I feel like I should feel guilty for having this newfound happiness. I feel like I should feel guilty, but somehow, I don't. I loved my wife. I never asked for any of this. But, it did. The future is mine to make. I can go back to the dark, wounded, closed-up existence that I led...or I can build a new life out of the ashes. I'm choosing new life over an old existence.

Thank you all for being here for me. <3

[Sylvia GM]

Hi 4HDad

I share the joy and happiness for you that you are getting on with your life and the family are moving on. It's almost 9 months since the passing of my husband and I have finally accepted that he's gone and his memory stays within me.

Recently, I met someone whose wife passed away six years ago, he helped me to see there's life ahead instead of counting the number of days or months since the passing of my late husband. 

I'm starting to feel happy and like you said, the future is mine to make. 

I want to wish you all happiness and have a good life ahead.

Sylvia

 

[M88]

4Hdad, thank you so much for sharing with us a look into your family life a year on from the death of your wife.  I am so glad it has panned out so well for all of you and learning each family member are having their needs met in such a positive way.  Especially pleased that your youngest daughter is coping and adjusting.  Early teens are difficult enough for a child without the trauma she has had.  I know from what you write that you are an awesome father and human being. 

I wish you all much love and happiness in your lives.  Hugs  

 

[M88]

Wishing you all the best too, Sylvia.  Hugs 

[KMB]

4Hdad, Wishing you and yours a continuous, blessed, forward path into the future. You all have come a long way in a short time. A shining example for the rest of us. Thank you for sharing and I hope you pop in with an update once in awhile! Prayers for continual love and peace!

[KMB]

Sylvia, Sending prayers and well wishes your way also. You have come quite a ways and thank you for sharing the hope that brighter days can be had!

[Azipod]

4Hdad, so glad to see that your journey is getting brighter. Please stick around to keep the rest of us going. You will set a good example for us to shoot for.

[Eagle-96]

So happy for you 4Hdad. Glad you have begun to pick up the pieces of your life and have found the happiness we all strive for. I wish you well in whatever path you choose.

[KayC]

4Hdad,

I am so happy to hear how it's been going, how transforming it has been.  I sincerely wish you all the best going forward and I'm glad the house feels lighter now!

[4Hdad]

Thank you all so much for being here for me, for all of us. It really means a lot to me!