Loss of significant other---

[Lori353]

I lost my Jose (Joseph) this week. We were companions, engaged at one time, we tried to make things work despite obstacles. We had known each other almost  7 years. He was bipolar and manic depressive. We had parted for a time but things started working again. He was in counselling, and was trying hard to do the things he knew helped.

At the time of his death, we were not living together, regularly. He had our old place and I had moved to a hotel/motel and alternated staying at friends homes. I wanted this to work, yet I had concerns and he was working on things. WE buried his Dad last year around the same time. HE eventually came into money, and that was something difficult for him to manage. He made a good living but was always broke, he would eat, gamble, eat, share with others, smoke, etc.. and be broke before the next pay period. He was ex military and worked for the government, and just didn't reach out for the right help. I would bring up things he could do and for the most part he ignored. 

He had stopped seeing his counselor , and was having other health issues. Overweight, after we separated, by 150 pounds, smoked 4 packs a day. Frequently had follow up with doctors. However, I did not see this coming.  HE had lost 175 pounds 2 years ago, but the weight after I moved out came back. I left  due to abuse, his manic outbursts would get very ugly. He was actively working on his treatment and weight again, and he was getting results. 

We spent a lot of time together lately, weekend trips together just driving trips for fun.. and diversion. We walked, swam, laughed, loved  and looking back like we all do,  some things stood out. I missed and feel awful. Things were working better for us for the first time in a long time. I recently agreed and left my job, to focus on school, We had had words regarding this, this past weekend, and since I was always wondering how I was going to make it, and he had not "acted on his I didn't need to work plan", I told him I was going back to work and that when he was sure what he wanted and if I was still around to let me know. We both loved Alabama, and after this semester we planed on moving there. New beginnings.

The stress  for us both was climbing  back in our relationship, he wanted to move in together again. Him going between the two places mine and his was stressful for him. We had 3 bedroom place and he stayed there after he asked me to leave. I live in a room with a bathroom, yet he stayed here often and wanted to give up his place and stay with me. I did understand,  he hated being home there alone, I wanted to make sure we were working together finally  I couldn't go through another "toss out like before".  He would have his "fits" and he handled them better than before. Respected boundaries better than before, and just wanted back in. However, my friends were not fond of the relationship again, as they had been through dealing with this in the past.  I just saw for the most part, he had such potential an we could do so well together. He wasn't fond of my friends, as he felt they interfered. Reasonable people, all of them just worried for my safety. 

He didn't call me or stop by the day he died he didn't  tell me anything he was experiencing. He died alone. We had words over the weekend, as he was being secretive again. A big problem with us. Trust. Now that seems so unimportant as well. I have made it through a few suicide attempts he made, and this was called a natural death. 

I feel so lost, feel like I didn't do enough. He was a month short of being 60. My birthday is next week, and we had made plans. Obviously not going to happen. I know I can't change what happened, and grieving and pain is normal.. I just feel crushed.

I am so overwhelmed by grief. I can't even focus on classes, my second year as a student. At 54!  His one last surviving family member his brother broke the news to me by Jose's email.. We do not keep in touch. He was in such denial about his brothers mental state, and well that of course did not help. I just don't know what to do. I am a get out there and do something sort, and I can't . This is the biggest loss I have ever felt. My last words were harsh to him, again guilt. I pray, I read, I cry.. just so full of emotion. Hindsight is awful!

[KMB]

Lori, I don't even know what words to say here. Your story is so heart wrenching. You and Jose endured so much to try and make the relationship be what you both deserved, and now, you have to suffer his loss. I am deeply sorry. Guilt, hindsight, all those terrible emotions pulling at you must seem so insufferable.

Do you have family and friends for a listening ear and support? I know it is early days for you, but maybe when you feel up to it, a grief counselor or a support group might be beneficial with helping you cope. Jose was obviously in extreme emotional/mental pain and he irrationally thought that ending his life was ending the pain. I am sorry.

[Lori353]

Thanks KMB.. have a friend close, here. Few actually, but still trying absorb what happened. I miss the friend I had hoped would stay with me. I am kinda being reclusive, and still seeking out help.

His only sibling, his brother, is not speaking and I do understand. Just difficult. I just have to get through the funeral and burial. No not really, it will still be on my heart. I am actively seeking a support group. Just a bit early and trying to get out walk, start my classes, without crying everywhere I go is a bit of a problem. I haven't cried like this or felt this deep pain ever.

Again, tonight, a friend, a lady where I am living,  bought me something to eat, didn't eat, don't care, She didn't know what happened and the food was sweet gesture. She said I felt you needed this. However, the words" you will find someone, after she knocked and saw me just a mess, face swollen from days of crying. I guess at humans we just don't know the right thing to say? And of course, she hugged me, said call if need a thing. The only thing that I don't get is how people can say you will find someone else? I am 54... wasn't looking in the first place and it is not on my bucket list.. finding another. 

OMG.. I hate hearing that! IT is not who I am or what I am about. Never have been. 

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Lori353 said:

The only thing that I don't get is how people can say you will find someone else? I am 54... wasn't looking in the first place and it is not on my bucket list.. finding another. 

OMG.. I hate hearing that! IT is not who I am or what I am about. Never have been. 

I totally understand! I will be 58 shortly and I've heard the comments that I still look young and should be out dating and having fun. One of my husband's friends made that comment. He had lost his mom a few years before, so I went back at him and asked if his dad was dating.  Oh no, his dad would never think of finding someone else. But, you think it's ok for me to do that, but not your own dad?   People just do not think before opening their mouth.

[Eagle-96]

10 hours ago, KMB said:

I totally understand! I will be 58 shortly and I've heard the comments that I still look young and should be out dating and having fun. One of my husband's friends made that comment. He had lost his mom a few years before, so I went back at him and asked if his dad was dating.  Oh no, his dad would never think of finding someone else. But, you think it's ok for me to do that, but not your own dad?   People just do not think before opening their mouth.

It's asking way too much of people to expect them to exhibit sympathy and decorum when it comes to dealing with people in our situation. I've stopped expecting people to say or do the right thing anymore. I kind of expect the worst and hope for the best. What a wonderful new existence we dwell in.

[KayC]

Lori,

My heart goes out to you, to hear you accepting blame for what you couldn't control.  Most people would have been out of there because there was so much to deal with, but like you said, you saw potential, you knew and loved him best, you saw him for who he was and loved him, you have to give yourself credit for that.  Guilt is a common grief response, so it's not surprising you feel it, but please understand that does not mean you've earned it or deserve it.  It is a feeling to get through and past.  You gave him the best you had, try to be glad for that, we're human, we can only take so much, you didn't know he'd died so soon.  Death took away options, it took away his chance to make anything better, to lose weight, to continue getting help and working on things.  It is death that is the robber and not you.

I am very sorry for your loss.  I know it's hard, I didn't see how I could live without my George, but it's 12 years later, I've learned to adjust to the changes it has meant to my life, that sounds simplified but it's anything but.  It's been a long hard road, but I've done it and if I can, I know anyone can.  We were so close, together all the time, very much in love, I couldn't picture life without him.  I look forward to being together again, I continue this life one day at a time.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

OMG, I just read your other post, the things people say!  People don't know what to say and apparently don't know what NOT to say!  We've all gotten it, it's very annoying.  It was hard in those early days/months/years...all our friends disappeared, death makes them uncomfortable.  Well it's not comfortable for US either, yet I'd never ditch a friend that needed me!  I hope yours hang in there with you.  I know it's hard making it through the service, etc. You're in my thoughts and prayers.