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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

To add a bit of lightheartedness to our tough lives

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On 9/12/2017 at 6:54 PM, KMB said:

RWT,  After reading your post, I feel like we would be good friends if we lived close to each other. I have been getting more assertive lately in speaking my true feelings.  All I want is to be with my husband and it cannot happen soon enough. One of the couple of friends who hasn't evaporated from my life yet, stopped in for coffee this morning and to wish me a happy birthday. I was so hoping for a low key day. Last year, my birthday came and went, with only the kids remembering and that was through social media. It had only been a few weeks since my husband had passed.  With the friend mentioning the day to me this morning, it was an instant knee jerk trigger and I let loose with a whole lot of swear words. This is a person who is 70 and swears they are going to live forever. I do not want to live forever. There are so many times I do not want to be in the present day. Needless to say, this friend tries really hard to understand my feelings. They still have their spouse. They are not close and rarely spend time together. This friend figures the grieving wouldn't last too long for them. I've kept my mouth shut for the most part on their relationship. Why bother being married if there no real, true love?

Anyway, your post resonated something in me and I had to let you know that.  Hang in there as well as you can, Sue. We know we are not going to be here forever.:wub:

I bet we would be good friends too!  I think about how great and helpful it would be to meet someone on this site that lived close - to have someone to be around that "gets it".  I am fortunate that my dad and I have each other to commiserate with when we need to - and to vent or lighten the moment.  I can say things to him that you just can't say to someone who hasn't experienced this type of loss.  I've tried explaining to people that I have no intention of ever dating or having an intimate relationship with anyone again and they always respond with "give it time" or a blank stare, like they don't know where the conversation should go from there or can't fathom that I would consider that an option.  In reality there is no response I am looking for, nor am I looking to continue the conversation about it, I was merely stating a fact - like if they asked me what I had for breakfast and I answered yogurt.  In contrast, if I say that to my dad his response would simply be "Me neither - I'm already married" and we would move on to the next topic at hand.  When someone understands what we're going through you can say anything to them and they GET it.  It is like an emotional a fist-bump that says "damn straight!" lol

I was fortunate enough to be able to have dinner Monday night with two of Russell's best friends.  They are brothers and grew up with him so have known him all of his life.  One of them has lived in Amsterdam for the last 5 or so years.  He and Russell would talk every day for hours on Skype.  He has a daughter that just turned 1 and that is how we got to meet her and watch her as she's grown up.  He had been planning this trip to visit for over 6 months.  Russell was so excited to get to see him!  After Russell died, he asked me if I would go to dinner with him when he got here - that was one of the details they planned out.  It was at Russell's favorite restaurant.  It was the first time I met him in person in almost 20 years.  Anyway, it was so great to see him and be able to talk to the only other person that knows him as well (or better) than I do.  It was so great to see both of them and gave me that same kind of "fist bump" feeling...

Keep your chin up!  The only things in life that are certain are that we are born and that we will eventually die - so we're there and will see them again...  ;) :P:wub:

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On 9/12/2017 at 3:54 PM, KMB said:

They are not close and rarely spend time together. This friend figures the grieving wouldn't last too long for them. I've kept my mouth shut for the most part on their relationship. Why bother being married if there no real, true love?

They wouldn't grieve the same way you are if they lost their spouse.  People stay together in loveless marriages for all kinds of reasons, not to break up the family, financial reasons, used to it, don't realize what they're missing, care about each other even if not in love or close, etc.  I was in one for 23 years, but add in emotional abuse (control issues) and wanting my kids to experience what life could be like without the emotional abuse before leaving home on their own we finally ended the marriage.  It's hard at best.  That's why we are all grieving so heavily, because we had someone TO miss!  My relationship with George was 360 degrees different from my kids' dad.  We were extremely close, very loving, best friends!  I feel for those who have never experienced that.  You're lucky you got more time with your soulmate, although I know that doesn't help the missing him part.

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Thank you, Kay. There was no love lost in my first marriage either, for similar reasons as yours. I also have empathy for those that stay in relationships that are less than ideal. Each of us deserves the best when it comes to love. There is that cliche that everyone has a soulmate in this world for a life partner. It is a miracle when people do find theirs.

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