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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
M88

To add a bit of lightheartedness to our tough lives

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KylieL   

Eating only twice a day. Not hungry because I do nothing all day.  

Eating junk food and instant food. Staying healthy seems worthless for me now.

No make up, I don't care about my appearance, how I look. It's not important anymore. 

Following my boyfriend's bad habits : - He used to love drinking, while I avoided alcohol because I get flushed. Now I drink, not much, but already risky for me. 

- Staying up late. 

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5 hours ago, Judy S. said:

Well, add another ciggy soul sister! I had cut back to just a very few, after Al died all that changed, it's almost full speed ahead. It has to stop and asap, I know. I don't have a sweet tooth but lately I love all kinds of crummy gas station type food if you can believe it. e.g. what I call gas station chicken, etc. Good grief! I never used to touch the stuff. And the swearing - that too. Although I say it mostly to myself, it's still there. And at some points in the evenings I finally become so tired I can just feel my patience is down to a very, very thin line. I don't take it out on anyone though, I can just feel that I've hit the last straw for the day! At that point I start to pray, because I know I'm not doing myself any good at all. 

Add another one here! I smoked in my early 20s, was a bad habit I picked up from my coworkers at the bank where I used to work. Finally kicked the habit, and by the time I was with David, I was a full fledged, every day runner, even started lifting weights at the gym. On certain occasions out with friends (my last birthday comes to mind), I would still get the hankering and would want to bum one from someone. He could not stand it! Actually that very night of that last birthday, his coworker gave me one, and David said he understood (as he had smoked in his much younger years too, but had long since quit), and wanted me to have fun, but just worried because he "needed me around for at least another 40 or 50 years". Well, ha. Here am I am, alone, staring down the barrel of very a long "40 or 50 years" without him. So as I write this very message, I'm sitting outside having a cigarette. When I bought my first pack a few weeks ago, I relayed this all to my mother, and she asked "well what would david say to it? Wouldn't he be unhappy to see you smoke?"... yes, I suppose he would, but if that will bring him to me somehow, even in the form of a lecture in a dream, I will take it. 

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12 minutes ago, KylieL said:

Eating only twice a day. Not hungry because I do nothing all day.  

Eating junk food and instant food. Staying healthy seems worthless for me now.

No make up, I don't care about my appearance, how I look. It's not important anymore. 

Following my boyfriend's bad habits : - He used to love drinking, while I avoided alcohol because I get flushed. Now I drink, not much, but already risky for me. 

- Staying up late. 

Ditto on the make up, and staying up late... every dang night. 

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On 8/31/2017 at 0:02 AM, Ka9219 said:

Constantly thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital (self destructive thoughts)

 

This is a tough one, and I think a battle will we always have to face. My therapist says to try to put those thoughts aside, when I'm fixated on the accident, because they are not productive. But it's nearly impossible sometimes. 

I always want answers, and I don't think I will ever have them. Once I received the police report, I reached out to one of the witnesses (phone numbers were included). It happened to be a truck driver who had stopped and tried to help us, he had stayed with me on my side of the car in particular. I texted him and thanked him, asked if he was willing to talk but said I understood if he did not. He called right away, and it was a difficult conversation. Lots of crying on both sides. He had held my head to the right so I could not look at David, and had tried to calm me, said everything would be alright.  He apologized for saying that, said he knew it wasn't true, but he was trying to keep my heart rate down. 

I reached out to the team from my helicopter transport about a month ago, because I had to deal with their billing department anyway, and was given the medic and pilot's names. I sent them a message, never heard back and accepted I probably wouldn't. Then last weekend, I missed a call and got a voicemail message from the medic. I tried calling him back, but no luck so far. Yes, I want to thank him, but I know my motives aren't 100% pure in that regard.... I want to ask about David, about what happened at the end, if he was in pain, if he knew we were okay... so maybe it's best I don't talk to him. I don't know. I have to somehow accept I'll never really have clarity, even though it tortures me. 

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Artesia   

Not eating properly. I cook 4/7 nights for my son, but I eat crap. The other 3 nights, we both eat crap. I have eaten more McDonalds in the last 9 weeks than in my whole life.

I've taken up drinking ( it was never a big thing for me). Not huge amounts, but fairly regularly.

I am lucky if I make it to work, let alone do any exercise.

I clean the house once a fortnight/every three weeks ( unless someone ie in laws are coming over) Took me 7 weeks to change the bed linen.

I actually researched all the things you are supposed to do to live longer and am actively trying to do the exact opposite. If I have to live THIS life, then it's up to me how I do that , right?

I swear way more now. I even used the c word once or twice ( and I hate that word and i stopped Tim from saying it).

I don't care about much.

I shop online for everything because I hate to be out. with people.

Today I smoked one of Tim's cigarettes. This is definitely on the things not to do list, but, the smell of that lit cigarette was like he was here.. and the taste in my mouth after was how he tasted when we kissed, so once I've smoked the packet and a half he left behind, I am going to buy more. 

I suspect he would not approve, but he would understand. Besides, he is dead, so he may not know about what I am doing at all.

And I miss him every minute of every day. I look at his photos and fall in love with him again, every time.

 

 

 

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LoveGoli   
58 minutes ago, Artesia said:

And I miss him every minute of every day. I look at his photos and fall in love with him again, every time.

Same here, I look his photos and our wedding photograph hanging on wall everyday and miss him badly. I also have 3 small videos of him, and 1 of those is his this year birthday video and I feel so much pain while watching that video. That time he was ill and we celebrated his birthday to cheer him up , Oh I didn't knew that this is last time I am celebrating his birthday, in 2 other videos we are having fight and I feel so bad that why I was fighting , why I ever fought with him, why I ever shout on him, I am bad wife, he deserve better than me. 

I Miss you my Goli, please forgive me If I ever hurt you, but now you win, I never hurt you more like you did.

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M88   
4 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Same here, I look his photos and our wedding photograph hanging on wall everyday and miss him badly. I also have 3 small videos of him, and 1 of those is his this year birthday video and I feel so much pain while watching that video. That time he was ill and we celebrated his birthday to cheer him up , Oh I didn't knew that this is last time I am celebrating his birthday, in 2 other videos we are having fight and I feel so bad that why I was fighting , why I ever fought with him, why I ever shout on him, I am bad wife, he deserve better than me. 

I Miss you my Goli, please forgive me If I ever hurt you, but now you win, I never hurt you more like you did.

Dear LoveGoli - I'm sure your Goli would tell you there is nothing to forgive and I bet he wouldn't trade one day of your marriage for anything.  There are no winners in death, hon.  In the early stage of grief, especially when our soul mates have died suddenly, I think most of us torture ourselves with 'if only' thoughts.  The frequency of these thoughts do ease in time, I think when we need to learn new coping skills for other issues that come along. 

Crying buckets of tears over every photograph, video, messages in our birthday and other special cards, anything and everything ever written by my darling - have helped with acceptance and healing.  Doing this became a nightly ritual which lasted for many, many months.  We have to feel the pain - it must have an outlet.  It does get easier to bear but in such miniscule amounts that we aren't conscious of it occurring. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx

 

 

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Iriss   
11 hours ago, KMB said:

This grieving bites for all of us. A few weeks back, I was reading a story of a woman who lost her husband. Fairly young yet, with a young, grade school age son. They had enjoyed mountain climbing. This woman decided to keep carrying on their dream of climbing. She passed away on a mountain, just short of reaching the top. This happened less than a year after her husband passed.  I was thinking on the irony of this. She was trying her best in moving forward and achieving her dreams and now she is gone. A young son being raised now by relatives.

Some of us are smoking like a steam engine and eating junk food. The ironies of life.

What a sad situation, I feel for that family and especially that little boy.

I agree with your comment about the ironies of life, but I'm sure a lot of us here have experienced this type of irony first hand now. I know my husband was a healthy guy, he ran almost every morning, ate well, didn't smoke, rarely drank and then he ends up with cancer and dies at 31. 

. . .

replying to the real topic at hand:

Yoga pants are now acceptable everyday wear to me. 

I also get take out most nights, if I even eat.

I feel like I'm quicker to be annoyed/have less patience. I'm constantly telling coworkers off in my head.

to fall asleep I need noise. The house is so quiet now. It's like I need the voices on tv to not feel so alone.

I eat and drink directly from containers...avoids necessity of dishes.

I am with the other ladies here, makeup is no now

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M88   

Ashley and Ka - I'm sorry you ladies are having these painful, constant horrible thoughts.  I so understand!  Even though I wasn't with my late hubby when he was killed, I was supposed to have been with him.  I too just couldn't stop imagining and feeling it in the manner it happened.  The nightmares were terrible!   I needed to keep a sharp mind so I declined to take anti-depressants and chose hypnotherapy instead, with a psychologist fully qualified in hypnotherapy as well.  I was wary about being hypnotised initially, but it was such a relief to get even an hour long break from the overthinking.  Hypnotherapy is really just guided meditation and you have full control of your mind so can stop anytime you like.  They were taped sessions,  but I found her voice annoying and found recordings I like better on YouTube.  Hypnotherapy sure has saved my sanity.  

I go to sleep listening to it most nights.  Then when the hunger pains wake me, after satisfying them, I listen to more. Sometimes I'll be woken by the silence when the vid stops, so I push replay.    

Sending strength, love and hugs Xx

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M88   

I think we'd find comfort in all arriving in pj's or yoga pants, at one of our untidy dusty homes, hug and cry, drink, smoke, swear like troopers, eat a takeaway, pig out on sweet food, stay up late staring at the ceiling. 

Strength, love and hugs Xx

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8 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

When I bought my first pack a few weeks ago, I relayed this all to my mother, and she asked "well what would david say to it? Wouldn't he be unhappy to see you smoke?"... yes, I suppose he would, but if that will bring him to me somehow, even in the form of a lecture in a dream, I will take it. 

When my wife first died I bought a pack too for a similar reason. She hated cigarettes so much that I hoped maybe she would find a way to tell me to stop. No luck on that but I hated them as much as she did so I couldn't stick with it.

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Iriss   
2 hours ago, M88 said:

I think we'd find comfort in all arriving in pj's or yoga pants, at one of our untidy dusty homes, hug and cry, drink, smoke, swear like troopers, eat a takeaway, pig out on sweet food, stay up late staring at the ceiling. 

Strength, love and hugs Xx

^^this! I'd be there. Hugs to everyone here!!

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KayC   

If George was alive the yard would not look like it does.  The tractor and the push mower both broke down, couldn't get anyone interested in looking at them, gave them to a scrap man.  Can't buy a new one because I have nothing to haul it in and honestly, am not sure I'd know what to do with it.  I feel helpless and I hate this.  Developed allergy to wasps, which there are tons of them outside my house, so try to avoid them.  Grass in back yard is about 5' tall.  I'm wondering how tall it has to get before it falls over.  Tried to hire lawn care but they want you to have your own equipment.  What do 90 year olds do?  Can't mow right now anyway, they won't allow any outdoor equipment.

Need new carpet but no one to help me move the furniture.  Bought some throw rugs.  

It's amazing what a difference one person can make to a home. :(

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KMB   
8 hours ago, KayC said:

It's amazing what a difference one person can make to a home. :(

It most certainly does. We can't forget how much the times have really changed either. In the "old days", neighbors pitched in to help the elderly or the widows/widowers who needed a helping hand. Teenagers used to go around asking to do odd jobs for spending money. None of that happens now. :(

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KayC   

Yeah I've noticed.  When I was raising my kids, we shoveled snow for the elderly, checked on them, watched their dogs when they were away, etc.  My neighbors do none of that now.  You get old, you're on your own.

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Judy S.   
On 9/1/2017 at 11:08 AM, KayC said:

If George was alive the yard would not look like it does.  The tractor and the push mower both broke down, couldn't get anyone interested in looking at them, gave them to a scrap man.  Can't buy a new one because I have nothing to haul it in and honestly, am not sure I'd know what to do with it.  I feel helpless and I hate this.  Developed allergy to wasps, which there are tons of them outside my house, so try to avoid them.  Grass in back yard is about 5' tall.  I'm wondering how tall it has to get before it falls over.  Tried to hire lawn care but they want you to have your own equipment.  What do 90 year olds do?  Can't mow right now anyway, they won't allow any outdoor equipment.

Need new carpet but no one to help me move the furniture.  Bought some throw rugs.  

It's amazing what a difference one person can make to a home. :(

Kay, I know what you mean. I do have my two "twenty-something" sons at home right now, and they are going to be helping paint and do floors, but it won't be done quickly - my one son is going back to work ( a good thing of course ) and my other son will be moving to the city this later this fall. They will both be home on a regular basis to help with all of this stuff, but in general, I'll be on my own - unless something changes with their plans, I guess. So I'm thinking I might have to hire a friend of my husband's - who does do some carpentry and painting. But! I would only be able to afford to have him do the work as I get the $. None of this is easy, that's for sure. I'm quite sure I have to lower my expectations about when anything in the house gets done!  My expectations were already kind of low, now they're way down there :) 

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KayC   

I hear ya.  It's just now there's no one with the same priorities as me.

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M88   

I talk to myself, a lot - answer myself, a lot, as well.

I play music very loud, usually in the middle of the night.  Have checked with neighbours and they assure me it doesn't disturb them.

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KMB   
12 hours ago, M88 said:

 

I talk to myself, a lot - answer myself, a lot, as well.

I play music very loud, usually in the middle of the night.  Have checked with neighbours and they assure me it doesn't disturb them.

 

I talk to myself, a lot, as well. I talk aloud to my husband also. Coping strategies, going bonkers, call it what you want it. I don't care!  I cannot play music though. I would be in a puddle on the floor if i did that. Music is a huge trigger. I keep the tv on 24/7 to alleviate the silence.

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M88   

 

1 hour ago, KMB said:

I talk to myself, a lot, as well. I talk aloud to my husband also. Coping strategies, going bonkers, call it what you want it. I don't care!  I cannot play music though. I would be in a puddle on the floor if i did that. Music is a huge trigger. I keep the tv on 24/7 to alleviate the silence.

Glad I'm not alone in the talking to myself KMB.  

I have no desire to listen to 'our' music yet, but have found that playing sad, heart- wrenching country type music brings out the emotion. 

I am a mess when I listen to this music, but find it a great release after having held the emotion in as I go about the daily grind wearing my 'brave face'.  

 

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Dian   

There are so many crab apples that are laying in the back yard from the trees , I'm hoping they ferment and I can get drunk off them whIle I'm smoking and talking to myself.B)

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M88   

Let me know when that happens, Dian.  I enjoy an apple cider along with a cig at the end of the day and we can talk with each other :) 

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RWT143   

At least we are all in good company!

I have always smoked but smoke way more now.  

*I find that I forget to brush my teeth on the weekends - and occasionally on a weekday, although I have a 5 year old I hound to brush his teeth every morning.

*I talk to Russell - out loud and often 

*I refuse to speak about Russell in the past tense.  I'm pretty sure people think I am nuts but A.) his spirit is still with me so that makes them the rude ones, B.) he already knows I'm nuts, and C.) I don't care at all what anyone thinks anymore. 

*I went on a week long vacation with my family, which was bad enough, but realized each day that I hadn't showered since I got there.  Then still didn't shower after realizing it.  Don't worry - I showered when I got home.

*I can't get anything done at work either.  I have determined that if I get 3 things done during the workday (that are work related) I am doing a stellar job.

*I tell my family constantly that my dad and I are both waiting out our time until we die. My mother died in 2014 (they were married 54 years) after which I moved in with my dad.  I tell him all the time that he's a lucky bast**d because he is turning 80 next month so may have the edge on me.   We are the only two widowers in the family.  We've always been very close and now we have yet another bond that others don't understand.  But it makes us laugh to see their faces when we argue about who gets to die first.  Although I have the aforementioned 5-year-old that no one is offering to take care of for me so I may have to hold out for him to grow up.

*** Thanks for starting this thread.  I haven't been on in a while and really needed to feel some solidarity with folks :wub:

 

 

 

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KMB   

RWT,  After reading your post, I feel like we would be good friends if we lived close to each other. I have been getting more assertive lately in speaking my true feelings.  All I want is to be with my husband and it cannot happen soon enough. One of the couple of friends who hasn't evaporated from my life yet, stopped in for coffee this morning and to wish me a happy birthday. I was so hoping for a low key day. Last year, my birthday came and went, with only the kids remembering and that was through social media. It had only been a few weeks since my husband had passed.  With the friend mentioning the day to me this morning, it was an instant knee jerk trigger and I let loose with a whole lot of swear words. This is a person who is 70 and swears they are going to live forever. I do not want to live forever. There are so many times I do not want to be in the present day. Needless to say, this friend tries really hard to understand my feelings. They still have their spouse. They are not close and rarely spend time together. This friend figures the grieving wouldn't last too long for them. I've kept my mouth shut for the most part on their relationship. Why bother being married if there no real, true love?

Anyway, your post resonated something in me and I had to let you know that.  Hang in there as well as you can, Sue. We know we are not going to be here forever.:wub:

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