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To add a bit of lightheartedness to our tough lives


M88

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I'll kick it off but not bombard ya's with too many at once. 

Eating food as it cooks in the pan when it really couldn't be classed as just quality control.

Eating dinner standing at the bench - thats if there is any left in the pan to put on a plate ;) 

Seeing fluff balls accumulating on the carpet but turning a blind eye. 

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Not cleaning any of the electronics because he did it and now I don't want to.

Not disciplining the animals because you're not the disciplinarian. 

Not cleaning out the fridge. 

Ugh. I never realized I depended so much on him. 

Thanks, m88, you brightened my day!  Lol. 

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Eating fast food for dinner every night because I don't have time to cook when in reality all I have is time now that she's gone.

Not doing housework like I should because "Ehh, I'll get it later" is my new motto.

 

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Not getting dressed, cause pj's work all day... he's not coming to visit and we are not going out! 

Not caring how my place looks and who cares anyway.. 

If only.... 

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Definitely eating out every night because cooking for one person is so depressing. Deciding which of us would cook and what to make for dinner was something we had so much fun with.

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Oh, there's a couple listed that I've overlooked - but may take up ;) 

I go to bed far too early and spend hours gazing at the ceiling - not quite a bad habit as it's time well spent reflecting. 

I've only cleaned my car once in 19 months - it looks disgusting.  Gerry always kept it clean. 

 

 

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Looking at the dust accumulating on the bathroom counter ... and looking again every day.  
And, yes, the lint and stuff on the carpet that needs vacuuming...

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Wake up in the morning , took shower and go to office.

Read posts on this site, no work in office.

Reached home after office and lying on bed and continuously staring ceiling also our wedding photograph over the wall.

Cry and miss him, take dinner prepared by my mom.

cry and sleep and again next morning silently wake u and go office.

I don't care if house is clean or not or kitchen is clean, I simply don't care.

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WOW---We all have so much in common!!  Except I don't cook, M88. I munch on prepared food from the deli dept. No joy or meaning in cooking for one. Even with my daughter here temporarily, her habit from living by herself is microwaveable food. And I am retired, so no routine of going to work. My mantras are "whatever" and "I don't care".

In all my wonderful years with my husband, I never gave a thought that I would be in this situation of grieving so soon, at least not for another 10 years or so. There are no words-----

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Eating only once or twice at day (I am not hungry most of the time)

No shower, no make up

I don't clean my place anymore

Sleeping more than 10 hours at day

Constantly thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital (self destructive thoughts)

 

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4 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Eating only once or twice at day (I am not hungry most of the time)

No shower, no make up

I don't clean my place anymore

Sleeping more than 10 hours at day

Constantly thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital (self destructive thoughts)

 

Yes, no make up at all.

I also constantly think about last day of hospital even right now I am thinking the same, also what could have happen that day and my husband saved. 

In office , I do only two task, 1 - Read post here, 2 - Read about chickenpox and steroids mixture 

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31 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

also what could have happen that day and my husband saved.

I used to spent hours and hours about thinking the thousands and million of different possibilities in which Mario could be still alive, at the end I realized that I was poisoning my heart and mind with the "What if", now is just like a recorder tape, recalling what happening, not "what could happen", but is still heartbreaking and exhausting thinking and recalling those memories of the saddest moment of my life :(

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13 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I used to spent hours and hours about thinking the thousands and million of different possibilities in which Mario could be still alive, at the end I realized that I was poisoning my heart and mind with the "What if", now is just like a recorder tape, recalling what happening, not "what could happen", but is still heartbreaking and exhausting thinking and recalling those memories of the saddest moment of my life :(

Yes same here, I also think what if he did not have chickenpox then  my life will be normal as it was before. I also imagined about like nothing happened and we are living happily, buying home, having babies and how happy he is in these imaginary life.

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I smoke more ciggies - even have the odd one inside in the evening is it's frosty out. Yet I hate how it stinks my home out. 

I have developed an eating disorder.  A craving for sweet foods, lots of it, wakes me every night from the little sleep I do get.  I never had a sweet tooth before hubby was killed but he sure did.  

I say the F word - even at those in authority if they make a ridiculous statement. 

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

Yes same here, I also think what if he did not have chickenpox then  my life will be normal as it was before. I also imagined about like nothing happened and we are living happily, buying home, having babies and how happy he is in these imaginary life.

Imagining is hard when we come back to life, today I was thinking what if he had the accident but he was recovering well and I could be there for him until he was fully recovered and talking about getting married as soon as he was able to leave the hospital, thinking about the days I could be there taking care of him and going out of this situation together, when reality hit back it was overwhelming :( I know we can not avoid bad things to happening, but at least not having "this end" :(:(:( 

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18 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Imagining is hard when we come back to life, today I was thinking what if he had the accident but he was recovering well and I could be there for him until he was fully recovered and talking about getting married as soon as he was able to leave the hospital, thinking about the days I could be there taking care of him and going out of this situation together, when reality hit back it was overwhelming :( I know we can not avoid bad things to happening, but at least not having "this end" :(:(:( 

How long we have to take this, because its getting hard everyday. One day at a time not working anymore for me I continuously thinking about him, time we spent together, how happy we were. How I am gonna survive in future without love or will I able to love someone again in future. Because I only date one person in my life and it was him, my first everything I can not imagine to love some one else or touched by some one else but also I am so scared of being alone. 

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8 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

How I am gonna survive in future without love or will I able to love someone again in future

That's thinking about beyond today and that's when you get into trouble, THAT is why you say 

 

8 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

One day at a time not working anymore for me

Go back to stopping yourself from thinking in the future and focus on today only.  It's way soon for you to be worrying about the future, let it take care of itself.  

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14 hours ago, M88 said:

I smoke more ciggies - even have the odd one inside in the evening is it's frosty out. Yet I hate how it stinks my home out. 

I have developed an eating disorder.  A craving for sweet foods, lots of it, wakes me every night from the little sleep I do get.  I never had a sweet tooth before hubby was killed but he sure did.  

I say the F word - even at those in authority if they make a ridiculous statement. 

 

 

We could be soul sisters! I've also been smoking more. I tried so often over the years to quit. I went on a health kick and smoking was the hardest to change. I did manage to cut back though. I smoke outside or on the cold days, stand in the porch blowing the smoke out a window. Now, the smoking is full force and I can't even think about quitting. I also eat more sweets than anything good for me and I stopped with my supplements. I'm hoping that I can change all the bad habits down the road, I am just not there yet. I am having a hard time getting beyond the no purpose, no meaning, part of this crappy, lonely journey. And yes, the F word comes out a lot more spontaneously. Life changed so drastically and quickly and it is taking me a long time to catch up and I don't know if I ever will. I am still lost.

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13 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

How long we have to take this, because its getting hard everyday. One day at a time not working anymore for me I continuously thinking about him, time we spent together, how happy we were. How I am gonna survive in future without love or will I able to love someone again in future. Because I only date one person in my life and it was him, my first everything I can not imagine to love some one else or touched by some one else but also I am so scared of being alone. 

This is so very hard and painful, isn't it? Like KayC says, just try to stick with the current day, the present moment. It is all that we can do. We do not know the future, so there is no point in worrying about it. The future does take care of itself. Have you been keeping a journal of writing for yourself? I started one not too long after my husband passed. Once in a while, I go back to what I wrote in those early weeks .I was a basket case back then, constantly crying, spending days laying in bed, hiding out. I still cry and I still spend too much time hiding out in the bed, but I have made some progress. I am able to function more and not let too much pile up too often. I will always miss my husband every second, but there is nothing I can do about it except get through the rest of my life in the best manner I can.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

We could be soul sisters! I've also been smoking more. I tried so often over the years to quit. I went on a health kick and smoking was the hardest to change. I did manage to cut back though. I smoke outside or on the cold days, stand in the porch blowing the smoke out a window. Now, the smoking is full force and I can't even think about quitting. I also eat more sweets than anything good for me and I stopped with my supplements. I'm hoping that I can change all the bad habits down the road, I am just not there yet. I am having a hard time getting beyond the no purpose, no meaning, part of this crappy, lonely journey. And yes, the F word comes out a lot more spontaneously. Life changed so drastically and quickly and it is taking me a long time to catch up and I don't know if I ever will. I am still lost.

Well, add another ciggy soul sister! I had cut back to just a very few, after Al died all that changed, it's almost full speed ahead. It has to stop and asap, I know. I don't have a sweet tooth but lately I love all kinds of crummy gas station type food if you can believe it. e.g. what I call gas station chicken, etc. Good grief! I never used to touch the stuff. And the swearing - that too. Although I say it mostly to myself, it's still there. And at some points in the evenings I finally become so tired I can just feel my patience is down to a very, very thin line. I don't take it out on anyone though, I can just feel that I've hit the last straw for the day! At that point I start to pray, because I know I'm not doing myself any good at all. 

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17 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

How long we have to take this, because its getting hard everyday. One day at a time not working anymore for me I continuously thinking about him, time we spent together, how happy we were. How I am gonna survive in future without love or will I able to love someone again in future. Because I only date one person in my life and it was him, my first everything I can not imagine to love some one else or touched by some one else but also I am so scared of being alone. 

I think this is forever, losing someone is not something that we get over it, is a new life style, we will cry less and less, but the pain remains, settling into our hearts and lives and with time our mind will learn how to handle with it, memories will last our entire life, as also will last the sadly reminder that they leave us too soon. I started to think that is mostly one minute at a time, as you said there is nothing I can use or do to distract myself,I am constantly thinking about him, in the good and the bad, there is no way I can get this our of my mind even if I tried, everything is a reminder.

You said it: we are only going to survive for a time, there is not living, is surviving taking minute by minute, going from one day to another trying to do the best we can.

Mario wasn't my first boyfriend, but he is the love of my life.

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I had quit smoking before Doug passed, even took up running, wanted to be healthy so we could grow old together. Back to a pack a day  and eat donuts for dinner in bed. I always said the F word nothing changed there. This new normal Fn sucks!! 

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I was trying to quit smoking. The Charles passed and now I'm up like a pack and a half a day. I'm not eating, smoking like crazy, and working out like it's going out of style. I've always cussed but I find that I'm cussing at strangers. I have no patience. None. I'm not taking anyone's crap at all. I've been mouthing off to everyone. While smoking, smoking all the time. I just don't care. But I have to care because my daughter depends on me and she lost the one man that wanted to raise her. Poor us. We're all just ticking time bombs, it sound like. :(

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This grieving bites for all of us. A few weeks back, I was reading a story of a woman who lost her husband. Fairly young yet, with a young, grade school age son. They had enjoyed mountain climbing. This woman decided to keep carrying on their dream of climbing. She passed away on a mountain, just short of reaching the top. This happened less than a year after her husband passed.  I was thinking on the irony of this. She was trying her best in moving forward and achieving her dreams and now she is gone. A young son being raised now by relatives.

Some of us are smoking like a steam engine and eating junk food. The ironies of life.

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Eating only twice a day. Not hungry because I do nothing all day.  

Eating junk food and instant food. Staying healthy seems worthless for me now.

No make up, I don't care about my appearance, how I look. It's not important anymore. 

Following my boyfriend's bad habits : - He used to love drinking, while I avoided alcohol because I get flushed. Now I drink, not much, but already risky for me. 

- Staying up late. 

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AshleyDonahue
5 hours ago, Judy S. said:

Well, add another ciggy soul sister! I had cut back to just a very few, after Al died all that changed, it's almost full speed ahead. It has to stop and asap, I know. I don't have a sweet tooth but lately I love all kinds of crummy gas station type food if you can believe it. e.g. what I call gas station chicken, etc. Good grief! I never used to touch the stuff. And the swearing - that too. Although I say it mostly to myself, it's still there. And at some points in the evenings I finally become so tired I can just feel my patience is down to a very, very thin line. I don't take it out on anyone though, I can just feel that I've hit the last straw for the day! At that point I start to pray, because I know I'm not doing myself any good at all. 

Add another one here! I smoked in my early 20s, was a bad habit I picked up from my coworkers at the bank where I used to work. Finally kicked the habit, and by the time I was with David, I was a full fledged, every day runner, even started lifting weights at the gym. On certain occasions out with friends (my last birthday comes to mind), I would still get the hankering and would want to bum one from someone. He could not stand it! Actually that very night of that last birthday, his coworker gave me one, and David said he understood (as he had smoked in his much younger years too, but had long since quit), and wanted me to have fun, but just worried because he "needed me around for at least another 40 or 50 years". Well, ha. Here am I am, alone, staring down the barrel of very a long "40 or 50 years" without him. So as I write this very message, I'm sitting outside having a cigarette. When I bought my first pack a few weeks ago, I relayed this all to my mother, and she asked "well what would david say to it? Wouldn't he be unhappy to see you smoke?"... yes, I suppose he would, but if that will bring him to me somehow, even in the form of a lecture in a dream, I will take it. 

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AshleyDonahue
12 minutes ago, KylieL said:

Eating only twice a day. Not hungry because I do nothing all day.  

Eating junk food and instant food. Staying healthy seems worthless for me now.

No make up, I don't care about my appearance, how I look. It's not important anymore. 

Following my boyfriend's bad habits : - He used to love drinking, while I avoided alcohol because I get flushed. Now I drink, not much, but already risky for me. 

- Staying up late. 

Ditto on the make up, and staying up late... every dang night. 

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AshleyDonahue
On 8/31/2017 at 0:02 AM, Ka9219 said:

Constantly thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital (self destructive thoughts)

 

This is a tough one, and I think a battle will we always have to face. My therapist says to try to put those thoughts aside, when I'm fixated on the accident, because they are not productive. But it's nearly impossible sometimes. 

I always want answers, and I don't think I will ever have them. Once I received the police report, I reached out to one of the witnesses (phone numbers were included). It happened to be a truck driver who had stopped and tried to help us, he had stayed with me on my side of the car in particular. I texted him and thanked him, asked if he was willing to talk but said I understood if he did not. He called right away, and it was a difficult conversation. Lots of crying on both sides. He had held my head to the right so I could not look at David, and had tried to calm me, said everything would be alright.  He apologized for saying that, said he knew it wasn't true, but he was trying to keep my heart rate down. 

I reached out to the team from my helicopter transport about a month ago, because I had to deal with their billing department anyway, and was given the medic and pilot's names. I sent them a message, never heard back and accepted I probably wouldn't. Then last weekend, I missed a call and got a voicemail message from the medic. I tried calling him back, but no luck so far. Yes, I want to thank him, but I know my motives aren't 100% pure in that regard.... I want to ask about David, about what happened at the end, if he was in pain, if he knew we were okay... so maybe it's best I don't talk to him. I don't know. I have to somehow accept I'll never really have clarity, even though it tortures me. 

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Not eating properly. I cook 4/7 nights for my son, but I eat crap. The other 3 nights, we both eat crap. I have eaten more McDonalds in the last 9 weeks than in my whole life.

I've taken up drinking ( it was never a big thing for me). Not huge amounts, but fairly regularly.

I am lucky if I make it to work, let alone do any exercise.

I clean the house once a fortnight/every three weeks ( unless someone ie in laws are coming over) Took me 7 weeks to change the bed linen.

I actually researched all the things you are supposed to do to live longer and am actively trying to do the exact opposite. If I have to live THIS life, then it's up to me how I do that , right?

I swear way more now. I even used the c word once or twice ( and I hate that word and i stopped Tim from saying it).

I don't care about much.

I shop online for everything because I hate to be out. with people.

Today I smoked one of Tim's cigarettes. This is definitely on the things not to do list, but, the smell of that lit cigarette was like he was here.. and the taste in my mouth after was how he tasted when we kissed, so once I've smoked the packet and a half he left behind, I am going to buy more. 

I suspect he would not approve, but he would understand. Besides, he is dead, so he may not know about what I am doing at all.

And I miss him every minute of every day. I look at his photos and fall in love with him again, every time.

 

 

 

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58 minutes ago, Artesia said:

And I miss him every minute of every day. I look at his photos and fall in love with him again, every time.

Same here, I look his photos and our wedding photograph hanging on wall everyday and miss him badly. I also have 3 small videos of him, and 1 of those is his this year birthday video and I feel so much pain while watching that video. That time he was ill and we celebrated his birthday to cheer him up , Oh I didn't knew that this is last time I am celebrating his birthday, in 2 other videos we are having fight and I feel so bad that why I was fighting , why I ever fought with him, why I ever shout on him, I am bad wife, he deserve better than me. 

I Miss you my Goli, please forgive me If I ever hurt you, but now you win, I never hurt you more like you did.

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4 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Same here, I look his photos and our wedding photograph hanging on wall everyday and miss him badly. I also have 3 small videos of him, and 1 of those is his this year birthday video and I feel so much pain while watching that video. That time he was ill and we celebrated his birthday to cheer him up , Oh I didn't knew that this is last time I am celebrating his birthday, in 2 other videos we are having fight and I feel so bad that why I was fighting , why I ever fought with him, why I ever shout on him, I am bad wife, he deserve better than me. 

I Miss you my Goli, please forgive me If I ever hurt you, but now you win, I never hurt you more like you did.

Dear LoveGoli - I'm sure your Goli would tell you there is nothing to forgive and I bet he wouldn't trade one day of your marriage for anything.  There are no winners in death, hon.  In the early stage of grief, especially when our soul mates have died suddenly, I think most of us torture ourselves with 'if only' thoughts.  The frequency of these thoughts do ease in time, I think when we need to learn new coping skills for other issues that come along. 

Crying buckets of tears over every photograph, video, messages in our birthday and other special cards, anything and everything ever written by my darling - have helped with acceptance and healing.  Doing this became a nightly ritual which lasted for many, many months.  We have to feel the pain - it must have an outlet.  It does get easier to bear but in such miniscule amounts that we aren't conscious of it occurring. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx

 

 

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11 hours ago, KMB said:

This grieving bites for all of us. A few weeks back, I was reading a story of a woman who lost her husband. Fairly young yet, with a young, grade school age son. They had enjoyed mountain climbing. This woman decided to keep carrying on their dream of climbing. She passed away on a mountain, just short of reaching the top. This happened less than a year after her husband passed.  I was thinking on the irony of this. She was trying her best in moving forward and achieving her dreams and now she is gone. A young son being raised now by relatives.

Some of us are smoking like a steam engine and eating junk food. The ironies of life.

What a sad situation, I feel for that family and especially that little boy.

I agree with your comment about the ironies of life, but I'm sure a lot of us here have experienced this type of irony first hand now. I know my husband was a healthy guy, he ran almost every morning, ate well, didn't smoke, rarely drank and then he ends up with cancer and dies at 31. 

. . .

replying to the real topic at hand:

Yoga pants are now acceptable everyday wear to me. 

I also get take out most nights, if I even eat.

I feel like I'm quicker to be annoyed/have less patience. I'm constantly telling coworkers off in my head.

to fall asleep I need noise. The house is so quiet now. It's like I need the voices on tv to not feel so alone.

I eat and drink directly from containers...avoids necessity of dishes.

I am with the other ladies here, makeup is no now

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Ashley and Ka - I'm sorry you ladies are having these painful, constant horrible thoughts.  I so understand!  Even though I wasn't with my late hubby when he was killed, I was supposed to have been with him.  I too just couldn't stop imagining and feeling it in the manner it happened.  The nightmares were terrible!   I needed to keep a sharp mind so I declined to take anti-depressants and chose hypnotherapy instead, with a psychologist fully qualified in hypnotherapy as well.  I was wary about being hypnotised initially, but it was such a relief to get even an hour long break from the overthinking.  Hypnotherapy is really just guided meditation and you have full control of your mind so can stop anytime you like.  They were taped sessions,  but I found her voice annoying and found recordings I like better on YouTube.  Hypnotherapy sure has saved my sanity.  

I go to sleep listening to it most nights.  Then when the hunger pains wake me, after satisfying them, I listen to more. Sometimes I'll be woken by the silence when the vid stops, so I push replay.    

Sending strength, love and hugs Xx

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I think we'd find comfort in all arriving in pj's or yoga pants, at one of our untidy dusty homes, hug and cry, drink, smoke, swear like troopers, eat a takeaway, pig out on sweet food, stay up late staring at the ceiling. 

Strength, love and hugs Xx

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8 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

When I bought my first pack a few weeks ago, I relayed this all to my mother, and she asked "well what would david say to it? Wouldn't he be unhappy to see you smoke?"... yes, I suppose he would, but if that will bring him to me somehow, even in the form of a lecture in a dream, I will take it. 

When my wife first died I bought a pack too for a similar reason. She hated cigarettes so much that I hoped maybe she would find a way to tell me to stop. No luck on that but I hated them as much as she did so I couldn't stick with it.

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2 hours ago, M88 said:

I think we'd find comfort in all arriving in pj's or yoga pants, at one of our untidy dusty homes, hug and cry, drink, smoke, swear like troopers, eat a takeaway, pig out on sweet food, stay up late staring at the ceiling. 

Strength, love and hugs Xx

^^this! I'd be there. Hugs to everyone here!!

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If George was alive the yard would not look like it does.  The tractor and the push mower both broke down, couldn't get anyone interested in looking at them, gave them to a scrap man.  Can't buy a new one because I have nothing to haul it in and honestly, am not sure I'd know what to do with it.  I feel helpless and I hate this.  Developed allergy to wasps, which there are tons of them outside my house, so try to avoid them.  Grass in back yard is about 5' tall.  I'm wondering how tall it has to get before it falls over.  Tried to hire lawn care but they want you to have your own equipment.  What do 90 year olds do?  Can't mow right now anyway, they won't allow any outdoor equipment.

Need new carpet but no one to help me move the furniture.  Bought some throw rugs.  

It's amazing what a difference one person can make to a home. :(

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

It's amazing what a difference one person can make to a home. :(

It most certainly does. We can't forget how much the times have really changed either. In the "old days", neighbors pitched in to help the elderly or the widows/widowers who needed a helping hand. Teenagers used to go around asking to do odd jobs for spending money. None of that happens now. :(

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Yeah I've noticed.  When I was raising my kids, we shoveled snow for the elderly, checked on them, watched their dogs when they were away, etc.  My neighbors do none of that now.  You get old, you're on your own.

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On 9/1/2017 at 11:08 AM, KayC said:

If George was alive the yard would not look like it does.  The tractor and the push mower both broke down, couldn't get anyone interested in looking at them, gave them to a scrap man.  Can't buy a new one because I have nothing to haul it in and honestly, am not sure I'd know what to do with it.  I feel helpless and I hate this.  Developed allergy to wasps, which there are tons of them outside my house, so try to avoid them.  Grass in back yard is about 5' tall.  I'm wondering how tall it has to get before it falls over.  Tried to hire lawn care but they want you to have your own equipment.  What do 90 year olds do?  Can't mow right now anyway, they won't allow any outdoor equipment.

Need new carpet but no one to help me move the furniture.  Bought some throw rugs.  

It's amazing what a difference one person can make to a home. :(

Kay, I know what you mean. I do have my two "twenty-something" sons at home right now, and they are going to be helping paint and do floors, but it won't be done quickly - my one son is going back to work ( a good thing of course ) and my other son will be moving to the city this later this fall. They will both be home on a regular basis to help with all of this stuff, but in general, I'll be on my own - unless something changes with their plans, I guess. So I'm thinking I might have to hire a friend of my husband's - who does do some carpentry and painting. But! I would only be able to afford to have him do the work as I get the $. None of this is easy, that's for sure. I'm quite sure I have to lower my expectations about when anything in the house gets done!  My expectations were already kind of low, now they're way down there :) 

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I talk to myself, a lot - answer myself, a lot, as well.

I play music very loud, usually in the middle of the night.  Have checked with neighbours and they assure me it doesn't disturb them.

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12 hours ago, M88 said:

 

I talk to myself, a lot - answer myself, a lot, as well.

I play music very loud, usually in the middle of the night.  Have checked with neighbours and they assure me it doesn't disturb them.

 

I talk to myself, a lot, as well. I talk aloud to my husband also. Coping strategies, going bonkers, call it what you want it. I don't care!  I cannot play music though. I would be in a puddle on the floor if i did that. Music is a huge trigger. I keep the tv on 24/7 to alleviate the silence.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I talk to myself, a lot, as well. I talk aloud to my husband also. Coping strategies, going bonkers, call it what you want it. I don't care!  I cannot play music though. I would be in a puddle on the floor if i did that. Music is a huge trigger. I keep the tv on 24/7 to alleviate the silence.

Glad I'm not alone in the talking to myself KMB.  

I have no desire to listen to 'our' music yet, but have found that playing sad, heart- wrenching country type music brings out the emotion. 

I am a mess when I listen to this music, but find it a great release after having held the emotion in as I go about the daily grind wearing my 'brave face'.  

 

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There are so many crab apples that are laying in the back yard from the trees , I'm hoping they ferment and I can get drunk off them whIle I'm smoking and talking to myself.B)

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Let me know when that happens, Dian.  I enjoy an apple cider along with a cig at the end of the day and we can talk with each other :) 

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At least we are all in good company!

I have always smoked but smoke way more now.  

*I find that I forget to brush my teeth on the weekends - and occasionally on a weekday, although I have a 5 year old I hound to brush his teeth every morning.

*I talk to Russell - out loud and often 

*I refuse to speak about Russell in the past tense.  I'm pretty sure people think I am nuts but A.) his spirit is still with me so that makes them the rude ones, B.) he already knows I'm nuts, and C.) I don't care at all what anyone thinks anymore. 

*I went on a week long vacation with my family, which was bad enough, but realized each day that I hadn't showered since I got there.  Then still didn't shower after realizing it.  Don't worry - I showered when I got home.

*I can't get anything done at work either.  I have determined that if I get 3 things done during the workday (that are work related) I am doing a stellar job.

*I tell my family constantly that my dad and I are both waiting out our time until we die. My mother died in 2014 (they were married 54 years) after which I moved in with my dad.  I tell him all the time that he's a lucky bast**d because he is turning 80 next month so may have the edge on me.   We are the only two widowers in the family.  We've always been very close and now we have yet another bond that others don't understand.  But it makes us laugh to see their faces when we argue about who gets to die first.  Although I have the aforementioned 5-year-old that no one is offering to take care of for me so I may have to hold out for him to grow up.

*** Thanks for starting this thread.  I haven't been on in a while and really needed to feel some solidarity with folks :wub:

 

 

 

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RWT,  After reading your post, I feel like we would be good friends if we lived close to each other. I have been getting more assertive lately in speaking my true feelings.  All I want is to be with my husband and it cannot happen soon enough. One of the couple of friends who hasn't evaporated from my life yet, stopped in for coffee this morning and to wish me a happy birthday. I was so hoping for a low key day. Last year, my birthday came and went, with only the kids remembering and that was through social media. It had only been a few weeks since my husband had passed.  With the friend mentioning the day to me this morning, it was an instant knee jerk trigger and I let loose with a whole lot of swear words. This is a person who is 70 and swears they are going to live forever. I do not want to live forever. There are so many times I do not want to be in the present day. Needless to say, this friend tries really hard to understand my feelings. They still have their spouse. They are not close and rarely spend time together. This friend figures the grieving wouldn't last too long for them. I've kept my mouth shut for the most part on their relationship. Why bother being married if there no real, true love?

Anyway, your post resonated something in me and I had to let you know that.  Hang in there as well as you can, Sue. We know we are not going to be here forever.:wub:

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