"How long do I have to be here?"

[GhostofLight]

Any fellow Doctor Who fans here?

For the uninitiated, Doctor Who is a long-running British science fiction program about an enigmatic time-traveler known, simply, as "The Doctor."

There was an episode a few years back where the Doctor finds himself trapped in a kind of spooky castle... relentlessly pursued by a faceless creature... 

In a moment of self-reflection, the Doctor wonders if he's in hell:  "I'm not scared of hell.  It's just heaven for bad people.  But... how long do I have to be here?"

That quote, that question, seems to sum up my existence (life is too generous a word) now.

I do things.  Pay bills.  Fold laundry.  Brush my teeth.

I go to work.

I fight back tears when I'm on public transportation.

I joke with people at work to make sure that they feel comfortable around me.  Ha ha.

Yes... this might be hell.  Sure feels like it.  I'm 45.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  Stuck in the middle.  All of my receptors are burnt out.  I can't enjoy things.  I don't feel ambition.  I don't even worry about the future anymore.  If there is a future I'd rather not be in it.

It's tearing me apart.  I just don't understand.  God can do anything he wants to me, but why did he have to be so cruel to the person I loved?

Why?

Why??

W--

I must have been a horrible person in another life.  

I'm in hell.  Armed with nothing but memories of happiness that seem to mock me.  Perhaps I deserve this.

Okay, fine.  But the question lingers:  How long do I have to be here?

 

 

[asea]

I'm wondering the same thing as you. How long do I have to be here to endure this until I get to be with him?

[LoveGoli]

53 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

Any fellow Doctor Who fans here?

For the uninitiated, Doctor Who is a long-running British science fiction program about an enigmatic time-traveler known, simply, as "The Doctor."

There was an episode a few years back where the Doctor finds himself trapped in a kind of spooky castle... relentlessly pursued by a faceless creature... 

In a moment of self-reflection, the Doctor wonders if he's in hell:  "I'm not scared of hell.  It's just heaven for bad people.  But... how long do I have to be here?"

That quote, that question, seems to sum up my existence (life is too generous a word) now.

I do things.  Pay bills.  Fold laundry.  Brush my teeth.

I go to work.

I fight back tears when I'm on public transportation.

I joke with people at work to make sure that they feel comfortable around me.  Ha ha.

Yes... this might be hell.  Sure feels like it.  I'm 45.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  Stuck in the middle.  All of my receptors are burnt out.  I can't enjoy things.  I don't feel ambition.  I don't even worry about the future anymore.  If there is a future I'd rather not be in it.

It's tearing me apart.  I just don't understand.  God can do anything he wants to me, but why did he have to be so cruel to the person I loved?

Why?

Why??

W--

I must have been a horrible person in another life.  

I'm in hell.  Armed with nothing but memories of happiness that seem to mock me.  Perhaps I deserve this.

Okay, fine.  But the question lingers:  How long do I have to be here?

 

 

I am feeling the same pain as you described. I also perform my daily activities but when I reached home from work I am just all alone. Life lost its meaning, earlier I wake up at 5am to prepare breakfast and lunch for my husband, for office but now I just wake up go to office, come back from office, cry at home sometime in office as well and I don't care if they watching me, I am feeling like body without soul which is walking around living people.

 

I also want this pain to stop but its increasing inside by every passing day. In earlier weeks I was crying alot but now I am less crying but pain inside me increasing. I don't know what I can do to distract my mind because I can't focus on my work or anything, I just hate everything around me.

[Ka9219]

1 hour ago, GhostofLight said:

Any fellow Doctor Who fans here?

For the uninitiated, Doctor Who is a long-running British science fiction program about an enigmatic time-traveler known, simply, as "The Doctor."

There was an episode a few years back where the Doctor finds himself trapped in a kind of spooky castle... relentlessly pursued by a faceless creature... 

In a moment of self-reflection, the Doctor wonders if he's in hell:  "I'm not scared of hell.  It's just heaven for bad people.  But... how long do I have to be here?"

That quote, that question, seems to sum up my existence (life is too generous a word) now.

I do things.  Pay bills.  Fold laundry.  Brush my teeth.

I go to work.

I fight back tears when I'm on public transportation.

I joke with people at work to make sure that they feel comfortable around me.  Ha ha.

Yes... this might be hell.  Sure feels like it.  I'm 45.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  Stuck in the middle.  All of my receptors are burnt out.  I can't enjoy things.  I don't feel ambition.  I don't even worry about the future anymore.  If there is a future I'd rather not be in it.

It's tearing me apart.  I just don't understand.  God can do anything he wants to me, but why did he have to be so cruel to the person I loved?

Why?

Why??

W--

I must have been a horrible person in another life.  

I'm in hell.  Armed with nothing but memories of happiness that seem to mock me.  Perhaps I deserve this.

Okay, fine.  But the question lingers:  How long do I have to be here?

 

 

At one moment I thought I was reading my own post, all the questions you wrote down, are the same I have wondered to myself

Why did hehave to be so cruel with Mario? Why and a thousand times why? The pain is overwhelming and shocking everytime I recall what he went through, why him? why like this? This is no fair, he was good, and I say this, not because he was my man, but because he was a good person, a real good person.

Did I made something terrible in my past life? I have wondered this so many times, more times that I could count, and if I was so terrible to deserve this, why on him? 

How long? Oh god... this is the hardest question? and even one day seems too long. 

Some time ago I was talking with my two sisters about the existence of "Heaven" and "Hell", and we end up sharing the idea that maybe here, is hell. This place is terrible, filled with anger, agony, unfair deaths, unfair things, people starving, people crying, suffering, loneliness..... and how long do we have to be here? I don't know I wish I could know, but I am also afraid of the answer. Can you imagine more than 50 years trapped in here? Why?

[KylieL]

1 hour ago, GhostofLight said:

Any fellow Doctor Who fans here?

For the uninitiated, Doctor Who is a long-running British science fiction program about an enigmatic time-traveler known, simply, as "The Doctor."

There was an episode a few years back where the Doctor finds himself trapped in a kind of spooky castle... relentlessly pursued by a faceless creature... 

In a moment of self-reflection, the Doctor wonders if he's in hell:  "I'm not scared of hell.  It's just heaven for bad people.  But... how long do I have to be here?"

That quote, that question, seems to sum up my existence (life is too generous a word) now.

I do things.  Pay bills.  Fold laundry.  Brush my teeth.

I go to work.

I fight back tears when I'm on public transportation.

I joke with people at work to make sure that they feel comfortable around me.  Ha ha.

Yes... this might be hell.  Sure feels like it.  I'm 45.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  Stuck in the middle.  All of my receptors are burnt out.  I can't enjoy things.  I don't feel ambition.  I don't even worry about the future anymore.  If there is a future I'd rather not be in it.

It's tearing me apart.  I just don't understand.  God can do anything he wants to me, but why did he have to be so cruel to the person I loved?

Why?

Why??

W--

I must have been a horrible person in another life.  

I'm in hell.  Armed with nothing but memories of happiness that seem to mock me.  Perhaps I deserve this.

Okay, fine.  But the question lingers:  How long do I have to be here?

 

 

I asked the same questions all the time. 

Why? He was the kindest person I've ever met. He cared about people, he was a truly good person, he deserves to live more than so many people. I asked God, for a deal, take 20 years of mine, so that he can live 20 years more; or take me, instead of him. 

How long? Everything changed after my boyfriend died, but I'm still so eager to meet him, like I used to when we were in LDR. I wish I could know how long, but I'm also afraid to know, because my grandparents live long to their 80s, and I haven't experienced any loss of a relative except my grandpa. I try not to think about the future, but I clearly know that I'm not even close to where he is. I wish God can make an exception for me. 

[TooDevastated]

6 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Any fellow Doctor Who fans here?

For the uninitiated, Doctor Who is a long-running British science fiction program about an enigmatic time-traveler known, simply, as "The Doctor."

There was an episode a few years back where the Doctor finds himself trapped in a kind of spooky castle... relentlessly pursued by a faceless creature... 

In a moment of self-reflection, the Doctor wonders if he's in hell:  "I'm not scared of hell.  It's just heaven for bad people.  But... how long do I have to be here?"

That quote, that question, seems to sum up my existence (life is too generous a word) now.

I do things.  Pay bills.  Fold laundry.  Brush my teeth.

I go to work.

I fight back tears when I'm on public transportation.

I joke with people at work to make sure that they feel comfortable around me.  Ha ha.

Yes... this might be hell.  Sure feels like it.  I'm 45.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  Stuck in the middle.  All of my receptors are burnt out.  I can't enjoy things.  I don't feel ambition.  I don't even worry about the future anymore.  If there is a future I'd rather not be in it.

It's tearing me apart.  I just don't understand.  God can do anything he wants to me, but why did he have to be so cruel to the person I loved?

Why?

Why??

W--

I must have been a horrible person in another life.  

I'm in hell.  Armed with nothing but memories of happiness that seem to mock me.  Perhaps I deserve this.

Okay, fine.  But the question lingers:  How long do I have to be here?

I'm a fellow doctor who fan. My boyfriend used to tease me that the show was for kids (along with many people in UK). 

This reminds me of this cup he got me for the last christmas. I wonder how I will go through any xmas to come now...or any other holiday really. 

I remember the episode you described. I dont know how long we have to be here. But it sure sucks... I do my best to shorten my time here and I dont know if thats a sort of suicide. I dont take the pills doctor prescribed for my heart 2 weeks ago. I drink almost no water anymore. I eat unhealthy food. I do everything I used to avoid to be healthy. 

I hate that we have to pretend to be "doing ok" to people at work. I hate that I'm left here all alone without him. I hate that I was the happiest women on earth 2 months ago and I was ripped off from that happiness right after.

I can understand how everybody feels on the forum. We are all now people subjected to a dementor's kiss and our souls are gone. All we are able to do is sit in a corner like dough and do nothing until we die but time goes on and life goes on and we are expected to get up and keep up without our souls...

[LoveGoli]

21 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I'm a fellow doctor who fan. My boyfriend used to tease me that the show was for kids (along with many people in UK). 

This reminds me of this cup he got me for the last christmas. I wonder how I will go through any xmas to come now...or any other holiday really. 

I remember the episode you described. I dont know how long we have to be here. But it sure sucks... I do my best to shorten my time here and I dont know if thats a sort of suicide. I dont take the pills doctor prescribed for my heart 2 weeks ago. I drink almost no water anymore. I eat unhealthy food. I do everything I used to avoid to be healthy. 

I hate that we have to pretend to be "doing ok" to people at work. I hate that I'm left here all alone without him. I hate that I was the happiest women on earth 2 months ago and I was ripped off from that happiness right after.

I can understand how everybody feels on the forum. We are all now people subjected to a dementor's kiss and our souls are gone. All we are able to do is sit in a corner like dough and do nothing until we die but time goes on and life goes on and we are expected to get up and keep up without our souls...

Your Angel date and mine is same 5th july, I hate July month now. 2 months before we never knew we will write these things here and will meet people through this type of forum. I just hate everyday activity and never imagined myself in this type of situation, when I will be normal again or happy again, no idea when I am going to die or how long I have to carry this burden called life.

 

[TooDevastated]

18 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Your Angel date and mine is same 5th july, I hate July month now. 2 months before we never knew we will write these things here and will meet people through this type of forum. I just hate everyday activity and never imagined myself in this type of situation, when I will be normal again or happy again, no idea when I am going to die or how long I have to carry this burden called life.

I hate July now too. My boyfriend died a few days before my birthday and he was so excited about getting gifts and making it perfect. He was out buying presents the day he died. I even hate my birthday now.

Its really sad that we lost the most important person in our lives the same day... I had no idea I could carry this much pain in my heart or I'd be on a forum on grieving and feel that the people there get me more than everyone else in my life 2 months ago. 

How I wish I had a TARDIS to go back and change things...

[LoveGoli]

3 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I hate July now too. My boyfriend died a few days before my birthday and he was so excited about getting gifts and making it perfect. He was out buying presents the day he died. I even hate my birthday now.

Its really sad that we lost the most important person in our lives the same day... I had no idea I could carry this much pain in my heart or I'd be on a forum on grieving and feel that the people there get me more than everyone else in my life 2 months ago. 

How I wish I had a TARDIS to go back and change things...

I am currently in office and people around me discussing about their family, spouse and their future plans or trips. Why our life only stopped, what we have done wrong why we are in so much pain, I am feeling so much frustration right now. Everyone seems so happy, currently they are planning for office trip I am not so interested even their laughs making me so angry or frustrated. I wish things was normal like before then I was also enjoying with them but now I am all alone feeling very bad, pain , multiple feelings at same  time.

No phone calls , no whatsapp messages my phone don't ring now, which rings all the time when my husband here. He used to send me messages and  call me multiple time in office and now I am alone, lost, empty. Why why why this happened or if its happened why I am not dying, I don't have any kids so no responsibility on me I can die easily and people forget me so soon . Why I am alive, why I am living this cursed life.

[TooDevastated]

8 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I am currently in office and people around me discussing about their family, spouse and their future plans or trips.  

I feel the same. I dont know why. Why?! Why us? He was only 35. Its so tragic. He was playing football and had an heart attack... Who the hell dies from playing football?!  Its even more tragic for me! I am 25 and might have to live like this for a long time. I hate to think that I might have decades to live.

My "friends" think I should be over it by now along with my family. I HATE everyone who tells me "he would have wanted you to move on and be happy with someone else".

I'm at work now too but I cant focus on work at all. My departmental manager has been very understanding though. Much more so than any of my friends or even my mum.

How long do I have to be in this hell indeed? The world has lost its charm with him.

 

[LoveGoli]

He was also only 30 and had chickenpox. I  also think the same how can a mild disease (I thought earlier) cause death , 2 more people in my office had same disease and they are walking around in office then why husband suffered so bad, why he had to pay, why he did not survive. I just want to hold universe, destiny, God whatever it is and ask him why him only, others people had  this disease then why you take away my husband only , I can not tell you how much anger I am feeling right now. 

 

I am 29 and  also think the same that may be I have to live decade more and no idea how I am gonna survive this long journey. He was my everything and I am dying inside every day. Every morning when I don't see him I just shattered and want to cry loud but I don't because I don't want to hurt my mom. I silently wake up , take bath and go to office.

 

My colleagues are also supportive but that support doesn't make me feel less pain, the only support I want is from my husband and I just want him , if god ask for my life I happily give to him for sake of my husband.

[LoveGoli]

19 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I feel the same. I dont know why. Why?! Why us? He was only 35. Its so tragic. He was playing football and had an heart attack... Who the hell dies from playing football?!  Its even more tragic for me! I am 25 and might have to live like this for a long time. I hate to think that I might have decades to live.

My "friends" think I should be over it by now along with my family. I HATE everyone who tells me "he would have wanted you to move on and be happy with someone else".

I'm at work now too but I cant focus on work at all. My departmental manager has been very understanding though. Much more so than any of my friends or even my mum.

How long do I have to be in this hell indeed? The world has lost its charm with him.

 

Just wanted to quote you.

[GhostofLight]

2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I remember the episode you described. I dont know how long we have to be here. But it sure sucks... I do my best to shorten my time here and I dont know if thats a sort of suicide. I dont take the pills doctor prescribed for my heart 2 weeks ago. I drink almost no water anymore. I eat unhealthy food. I do everything I used to avoid to be healthy. 

* Hugs *

Yup.  I know exactly what you mean.  I smoke now.  Never did before.  "It's really bad for you."  Mmmm, okay?  You mean I'm going to lose a whole three years of this miserable existence?  GOSH I'LL THROW THESE CIGARETTES AWAY RIGHT NOW.

Punished... but for what?

In the American legal system at least, there's great emphasis on whether the accused is mentally fit enough to stand trial... it's crucially important because, among other things, they have to understand why they're being judged... why they're being sentenced.  Otherwise, what's the point?

If I did something wrong... ****.  Please tell me what it was.  What did I do?  Help me make sense of it all so that I can atone, at least.  Help me understand.

Help me understand.

There is something to understand, right?

If there isn't, this just seems cruel.

God's silence isn't always laudable.

[darkshadowgirl]

I am in the same boat as every one's else, and still in the throws off it, being only 2 months ago. The eternal question of "why me?" plagues me too. It doesn't seem fair at all.

And right now I do not feel emotionally ready for anything big. But I am being optimistic that being happy is possible again if you try. I intend to someday start dating again, when I am ready for that I don't know, but i don't want to be alone so why should I not try to find love again? 

You have to at least TRY.

I also want to move to a different city some day. Again, I don't know when that will be. But I am only in the first two months so I can't expect to be ready anytime soon. 

But I intend to try when I am ready.  

 

[TooDevastated]

3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

also think the same that may be I have to live decades more and no idea how I am gonna survive this long journey. He was my everything and I am dying inside every day. Every morning when I don't see him I just shattered and want to cry loud.

That makes the two of us. I'm really sorry for all of us. There are many couples out there that have virtually no love for each other and amonsgt them we -the ones that love our partners more than anything- are the ones to lose them. 

[TooDevastated]

2 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Punished... but for what?

It does feel like a punishment doesnt it? I dont remember doing anything to make me deserve this at all. He was the best guy I know. He surely didnt deserve to die so young. 

I dont buy the "we must have done something bad in a past life" story. I cant be punished for something I dont even remember. 

2 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

There is something to understand, right?

If there isn't, this just seems cruel.

I'm afraid we'll have to settle for this being a cruel "joke" prepared specifically to torture us by the universe. Of all the bad people on earth, my beatiful boyfriend had to die for some reason and I was left alive to bear witness and carry this pain. 

[TooDevastated]

2 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

* Hugs *

*Hugs back* X

[KayC]

12 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Any fellow Doctor Who fans here?

For the uninitiated, Doctor Who is a long-running British science fiction program about an enigmatic time-traveler known, simply, as "The Doctor."

There was an episode a few years back where the Doctor finds himself trapped in a kind of spooky castle... relentlessly pursued by a faceless creature... 

In a moment of self-reflection, the Doctor wonders if he's in hell:  "I'm not scared of hell.  It's just heaven for bad people.  But... how long do I have to be here?"

That quote, that question, seems to sum up my existence (life is too generous a word) now.

I do things.  Pay bills.  Fold laundry.  Brush my teeth.

I go to work.

I fight back tears when I'm on public transportation.

I joke with people at work to make sure that they feel comfortable around me.  Ha ha.

Yes... this might be hell.  Sure feels like it.  I'm 45.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  Stuck in the middle.  All of my receptors are burnt out.  I can't enjoy things.  I don't feel ambition.  I don't even worry about the future anymore.  If there is a future I'd rather not be in it.

It's tearing me apart.  I just don't understand.  God can do anything he wants to me, but why did he have to be so cruel to the person I loved?

Why?

Why??

W--

I must have been a horrible person in another life.  

I'm in hell.  Armed with nothing but memories of happiness that seem to mock me.  Perhaps I deserve this.

Okay, fine.  But the question lingers:  How long do I have to be here?

 

 

I think this should be published.  Really, it could be written by any one of us as we've all felt the same thing, wondered the same thoughts early in grief.  It's quite profound, really.  It's continuing in the mundane existence to which we've been reduced.  

Something inside of me must be a survivor, because I keep trying...in the face of these haunting thoughts and feelings, I keep going.

[KMB]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Something inside of me must be a survivor, because I keep trying...in the face of these haunting thoughts and feelings, I keep going.

That is the bottom line of our perception of this reality. We are the "surviving" half of our soul mate. We have to keep trying for their half and ours, in order for us to become one again in reunion, when it is our turn to leave here.