lost my husband, best friend and soul mate

[Mickey2017]

Hi,

i recently lost my husband in a tragic accident.  there are so many questions that cannot be answered by police,ambulance, doctors and coroners.  Part of me wants to run away from everything but i have two beautiful children to look after, a business to run, animals to feed,and a house to run.  To say i feel pressured is the most understated comment ever.  I literally dont know where to start every morning. 

I couldnt imagine life without him and now that I have to,  everyday, without him, his support and his love its just the cruelest experience I have ever encountered.

I have loads of support, and I'm very grateful for it, but it is just not the one person That I need, who could come in and fix my life, make me better and know that the future is a good place. Now i live in fear, anxiety, stress,  depression.

I was coping,  or maybe i wasnt and just in denial.   But now i feel parts of me breaking down, matching my broken heart and soul.

 

[Eagle-96]

Mickey,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad you found this forum as you will find that we understand some of what you are feeling and we will help you in any way we can without judgement. I am glad you have such supportive family and friends there for you. Lean on them for support and help whenever you can. Sometimes it is tough just to handle the day to day tasks of basic living so accept help when you can get it. All of the emotions you are feeling are normal and to be expected with grief. They can come in waves and may hit when you least expect it. I try to ride them out when they come as I have found that avoiding them doesn't work. Just do the best you can when the wave hits and don't be afraid to come here and express your feelings when they do come. We are here for you and hope that we can provide some comfort, advice, or just a sounding board when you are in need. I wish you peace and comfort.

[KayC]

Mickey,

I am sorry for your loss, but very glad you found this place, it really does help to express it to those who understand and get it.  You have a lot on your plate right now, coupled with all of the changes this means to your life, it's no wonder you feel anxiety, depression, overwhelmed.  Try to just do today and then get up and do it all over again, try not to think about or take on more than just today.  Living in the present helps us take on bite-able chunks rather than more than we can handle which can quickly overwhelm and drown us.  It may help to schedule a session with a grief counselor or attend a grief support group on down the road.  Grief carries with it depression-like symptoms, but it can differ from clinical depression.  I recommend seeing your doctor and letting them know what is going on in your life.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KMB]

Mickey, My heart goes out to you with your tragic loss. I cannot imagine how you are able to cope with not knowing any answers as to the accident. You just know your husband is gone-----. It is good that you have a lot of supportive help. Some of us are not that fortunate. Delegate what you need help with as often as you can, so you can take care of yourself. You need your strength to be there for your children and you can lean together for comfort. Our emotions are all over the place and just getting through each moment is overwhelming and exhausting.Sending prayers of love, comfort and peace to you and your family.

[Ka9219]

Mickey I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone always brings up a lot of questions: Why? Why him? Why me? What if...? thousands and thousands of questions that we can not find an answer. The pain is overwhelming and I now is harder for you because you have to much to take care of. Support is a blessing but I understand what you said that is no the support we expected, I wanted Mario next to me, hugging me, telling me that everything is going to be ok as he always used to do it. I need his presence and his love, but my reality is far from what I would like. He died suddenly, no time for good bye, no time for last kiss, our dreams are broken, it will never come true. 

Is not easy and will take a lot of time to go back to "normal", and I know there is not normal for us again, but one day we will learn how to handle the pain.

[Francine]

On 8/29/2017 at 6:39 AM, Mickey2017 said:

Hi,

i recently lost my husband in a tragic accident.  there are so many questions that cannot be answered by police,ambulance, doctors and coroners.  Part of me wants to run away from everything but i have two beautiful children to look after, a business to run, animals to feed,and a house to run.  To say i feel pressured is the most understated comment ever.  I literally dont know where to start every morning. 

I couldnt imagine life without him and now that I have to,  everyday, without him, his support and his love its just the cruelest experience I have ever encountered.

I have loads of support, and I'm very grateful for it, but it is just not the one person That I need, who could come in and fix my life, make me better and know that the future is a good place. Now i live in fear, anxiety, stress,  depression.

I was coping,  or maybe i wasnt and just in denial.   But now i feel parts of me breaking down, matching my broken heart and soul.

 

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and know the pain you are experiencing.   I used to think I couldn't go a day without my Charles' smile or without telling him things and hearing is voice back.  And then that horrible day came, the worst day of my life, and it was so damn hard but the next one was even harder and I knew with a sinking feeling it was only going to get worse and I wasn't going to be OK for a very, very longtime. 

I'd try to wear a fake smile, but I was not really happy; I'd ask questions not really wanting to know the answers;  I'd talked or listen to other people talk but nothing that really mattered was literally said; laughed but didn't find what was said funny; cried (and still do) knowing it was not going to bring Charles back; get up but not really awake; sleep but wasn't resting and alive, but not really living.  All I wanted to do was lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before falling apart.   If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality where my Charles and I were together, happy and content.  Instead, I awake to my *new* reality; where my Charles is no longer a part of my life and everyday is a struggle just to survive.   All that to say, that during this grief period, expect to go through all kinds of emotions that will bring us down to what feels like hell; and it just might be a form of it.  But the good thing is we don't have to stay there.  Grief is process, not an event.  Be patient and tolerant with yourself.  

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that are appropriate and surround yourself with people who understand and support your religious beliefs.   I personally am a believer in faith and God, and if not for by HIS grace, I would have not made it thus far.  For me, HE was the one who came in and fixed my life for the better.  As much as we may want to plan our loves, if we let God, it has a way of surprising us with unexpected things that will make us happier than we originally planned.   That what is called "God's Will".   The Will of God will never lead you where the Grace of God will not protect you.  Just when you think nothing else can go wrong, it does.  Then you think, you can't make it through, but you do - know that it's God Grace and Mercy bring you though.   Prayer is powerful; but remember God works in his time, not ours, so be patient.

I am truly happy for the support you have and don't be afraid to lean on them as much as you need to.  Stay strong for yourself and your children who really need you more than ever now.  It's not only your children who will grow, you will also.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  It's hard to tell them to reach for the sun if they don't see us reaching.   I sending prayers your way asking God to bless you today and everyday.