Dating.

[WaHaaf99]

These past few months have been miserable. I am now working on my college courses again... trying to get my degree in education and so a lot of stuff I have to do require much focus. Especially because starting Thursday and every Thursday in September... I am going to working with students from all grade levels and later with the grade levels I plan to teach. (High School.) Anyway, recently I have been talking to this nice man who seems very handsome and kind to me. However, I still am always going to love my love and refer to him as that. The person I am talking to now knows this too and has no issue because he understands that him and I were going to get married.

Anyway, one thing is that I feel this sense of cheating. This sense of closure like I am moving on? I hate the feeling because it makes me feel like I never cared in the first place. Like I have this sense of guilt. I don't like that because I always loved him, and I still do. Also, comparisons. I am always (in my head) comparing differences. Like I feel like even though this new man is handsome, nobody can be as handsome as my love. Nobody can act like him and everything. I just don't think I am ready, but at the same time I feel like I never will be ready. Even though I don't want to be single always. Any advice?

[Azipod]

Some day, I am going to have to cross this dating bridge too.   I understand what you mean by feeling guilty.  I mean, how can you ever love someone else?   I think that if you are questioning yourself, or if you feel guilty, you're probably not ready to date someone else.   If this person truly understands your situation, perhaps you guys can be friends first, as oppose to being romantically involve.

Our partners will always want us to be happy.  Have you asked yourself that?  If you could ask your partner if he would be OK for you to "carry on" (not move on, we don't really move on.), what would he say?  Would he want you to continue to enjoy your life, or stay single/miserable?

The bottom line is only you will know when you will be ready.   I've heard people falling in love as soon as 6-months, and for some, they would like to stay single for the rest of their lifetime.   The true test likely would be whether you could cherish your partner, yet still be able to love someone else.    If you can answer yes to both of those, then you are probably ready to date.    That's the easy part.  Naturally, the more difficult part is learning how to note compare your new love with the person you lost.  Because, at the end of the day, they will be different.

 

 

[FirstWasLast]

Oh, dating... Let me tell you how this summer went.

I did meet someone randomly and accepted to go out for drinks. We had a great time, managed to take my mind off my grief for a brief moment. He was handsome, funny and smart. We clicked. I wanted to go to that date in order to see how I'd feel. I must be honest, I've missed sex too, so I wasn't ruling out that possibility if the date went well. And it did. And he suggested we'd go to his place. And I declined. It was a ''no'' that came out of my mouth so surely and effortlessly. It had nothing to do with playing hard to get of being a prude. It's just that this handsome man made me realise a couple of things -that I already knew deep down. That I didn't just miss sex, I missed sex with my partner. Sleeping with anybody else would make me feel like cheating on him. I still feel that I belong to him and that's what causes the feeling of cheating. I'm not ready for another man to touch me. And this very handsome and smart man that was sitting before me, well, he wasn't my partner. Maybe he was more handsome, or more successful or whatever. He wasn't HIM.

On my good days, I feel like it's going to take me a long time but that eventually I'll build another strong relationship -hopefully they won't die halfway through it this time. This new man will have to accept me with my loss though and can't ask me to leave it all behind. His initials are tattooed on my ring finger, his photo will always be somewhere in my house and half of my heart will always belong to him. Any man wanting me must accept all of that. For that reason, it may be even more complicated to find someone. But I'm not in a hurry, quite the opposite actually.

On my bad days, I'm drowning in despair. I realise how rare what my partner and I had was, how pure and natural our love felt, and then I look around me and see all the games that people play, the hookups, the lies, the hidden agendas, the side chicks and it makes me want to jump off a cliff. I feel like I will never feel the same way sleeping with someone, like I will spend my life desperately trying to revive through substitutes something that's gone forever. Like my hands will never touch anything as exquisite as his skin, like my heart will never feel at home far from his loving eyes. Like everything in my life will always be a little sadder and pale, and that I'll just have to live with that. I don't think that's a life worth living, quite frankly.

[LoveGoli]

3 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

Oh, dating... Let me tell you how this summer went.

I did meet someone randomly and accepted to go out for drinks. We had a great time, managed to take my mind off my grief for a brief moment. He was handsome, funny and smart. We clicked. I wanted to go to that date in order to see how I'd feel. I must be honest, I've missed sex too, so I wasn't ruling out that possibility if the date went well. And it did. And he suggested we'd go to his place. And I declined. It was a ''no'' that came out of my mouth so surely and effortlessly. It had nothing to do with playing hard to get of being a prude. It's just that this handsome man made me realise a couple of things -that I already knew deep down. That I didn't just miss sex, I missed sex with my partner. Sleeping with anybody else would make me feel like cheating on him. I still feel that I belong to him and that's what causes the feeling of cheating. I'm not ready for another man to touch me. And this very handsome and smart man that was sitting before me, well, he wasn't my partner. Maybe he was more handsome, or more successful or whatever. He wasn't HIM.

On my good days, I feel like it's going to take me a long time but that eventually I'll build another strong relationship -hopefully they won't die halfway through it this time. This new man will have to accept me with my loss though and can't ask me to leave it all behind. His initials are tattooed on my ring finger, his photo will always be somewhere in my house and half of my heart will always belong to him. Any man wanting me must accept all of that. For that reason, it may be even more complicated to find someone. But I'm not in a hurry, quite the opposite actually.

On my bad days, I'm drowning in despair. I realise how rare what my partner and I had was, how pure and natural our love felt, and then I look around me and see all the games that people play, the hookups, the lies, the hidden agendas, the side chicks and it makes me want to jump off a cliff. I feel like I will never feel the same way sleeping with someone, like I will spend my life desperately trying to revive through substitutes something that's gone forever. Like my hands will never touch anything as exquisite as his skin, like my heart will never feel at home far from his loving eyes. Like everything in my life will always be a little sadder and pale, and that I'll just have to live with that. I don't think that's a life worth living, quite frankly.

You are so true about feelings to love someone or being with someone whom you love. I also miss my Goli's touch, his kisses, love we made but I can't imagine myself to touched by someone else, at-least for now. Whenever we free from our house work, we just enjoy cuddling and love, sometimes I just wanted to do rest or watching tv but he was always interested in me rather than tv and now I regret that how could I watched tv while he wanted me that time.

Truth is when I had those moments, I didn't care much because I never thought this could happen or I am gonna loose him so soon but now I know the value of those precious moments and all are memories now.  I wish I could go to past or have anything which can show our past moments.

[FirstWasLast]

6 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Truth is when I had those moments, I didn't care much because I never thought this could happen or I am gonna loose him so soon but now I know the value of those precious moments and all are memories now.  I wish I could go to past or have anything which can show our past moments.

That's what I think too. That i should have cherished more the small details, that I should have dropped everything to be with him as much as I could or that I should have just appreciated more the sheer fact of being able to stare into his eyes, because that's something I can't do now.

But then I think, that wouldn't have been possible. Neither you nor I could have predicted what happened and acted accordingly. Our thoughts come after the experience, whereas our memories were created before it. There was no way we could ever appreciate those moments more than we already did when they were happening. Now, if someone was to invent time travel, I'd definitely be the first to sign up for it, obviously.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

Anyway, one thing is that I feel this sense of cheating. This sense of closure like I am moving on? I hate the feeling because it makes me feel like I never cared in the first place. Like I have this sense of guilt. I don't like that because I always loved him, and I still do.

I think those are common feelings when one begins to date after loss.  But the distinguishing thing to remember is you always loved him and still do.  You can't help it that he isn't here anymore, you wouldn't contemplate anyone else if he was there!  You're not cheating, you're doing what is natural and normal to you.  It's okay, give yourself permission.  It is different from breakups, because you didn't get a say so, noone broke up, he'll always be part of you, you'll continue to love him.  It's hard to understand how that could now include someone else, but it can.  

[Djh0901kc]

21 hours ago, Azipod said:

Some day, I am going to have to cross this dating bridge too.   

 

 

You don't have to. Staying single doesn't automatically mean you're going to have a less worthwhile life. Isn't it better to be single than to have some pale imitation of what we lost? I think so anyway.

I don't quite understand why everyone assumes that the partner that is gone would want you to find someone else/be happy.  I'm not so sure my wife would want me to be with another person. Who is to say she doesn't want me to do the best I can while I'm stuck here without her but to do it by myself? 

In any case, more power to anyone that feels like they want to date again. But I know that's not for me and I think that's ok too. I don't feel as though the key to finding happiness again is to find a new relationship.

[Francine]

On 8/28/2017 at 0:28 PM, WaHaaf99 said:

Anyway, one thing is that I feel this sense of cheating. This sense of closure like I am moving on? I hate the feeling because it makes me feel like I never cared in the first place. Like I have this sense of guilt. I don't like that because I always loved him, and I still do. Also, comparisons. I am always (in my head) comparing differences. Like I feel like even though this new man is handsome, nobody can be as handsome as my love. Nobody can act like him and everything. I just don't think I am ready, but at the same time I feel like I never will be ready. Even though I don't want to be single always. Any advice?

You're not alone; I think its only natural for one to feel guilt when moving on with their lives after losing someone so dear.  You'll always hold a special place in your heart for your loved one and in fact will grieve for him, in one way or the other, forever.  There is nothing wrong in trying to heal and rebuilt yourself around the loss you have suffered; making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your *new* world. The world didn't simply stop when you lost your loved one; it didn't stop when you didn't know how you were going to live through it; it kept turning and the seconds kept ticking; it actually went on and continues to do so with or without us.  There's nothing wrong in doing things you've never done before, but more importantly, you're doing something.  Sometimes you have to accept the fact that the life we were accustomed to will never go back to how it used to be and closure happens right after we accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship might have been.

For some (like myself) there's nothing out there I desire or want, and after being with someone for 45 years, the love my Charles and I shared is enough to last my lifetime - but again - my choice. The only thing that really matters is what is good for you and how you feel about it and I imagine that you'll know in your heart if it is the right thing.

[KayC]

Very well put, Francine.  I think a person knows inside if dating again is right for them...or not.  So long as you remain true to yourself and go where your heart is leading you.  There is no one size fits all answer to this.  

[KMB]

I quite agree, Francine. God has His plans for us, and if someone else is meant to come into the picture, it will happen naturally. The future is so unknown.  Of course, that does not rule out free will choice. God presents us with opportunities and it is our choice which path we decide to take.

[WaHaaf99]

Thanks everyone. I went ahead and started to date this guy and I will continue to update how everything is going. Last night, I fell asleep and as I was falling asleep I was crying because I felt incomplete. I thought this will never be the same. I know that. But maybe it might be ok? Again, I'll keep updates.

[KMB]

WaHaaf, Wishing you well and good luck in moving forward. There is nothing wrong with a relationship just being "ok". ( If the other person is understanding of all the factors). We are social beings and we need companionship and for someone to care about us.

[WaHaaf99]

So it is the 1st of September. My birth month... and also the month that my love and I met. I always thought that once September begins, all of the memories from the beginning of us meeting until April of his death are going to be the darkest months of my life forever. So I hope that with this new relationship that I am in, he is going to bring comfort to me as I start to go down this very painful path. I personally don't know how it is going to be for me.

As for dating so far it has been nice. He has a different way of doing things, he does more things than my love ever really did in certain aspects, and this guy also does things way less than  my love ever did too. So obviously it is going to be different. Luckily, he wants to go slow... which is what I need right now. Last night we were talking about our past, and he said that his first love that he dated also passed away. So I thought that was... interesting.

[FirstWasLast]

On 9/1/2017 at 9:25 PM, WaHaaf99 said:

Last night we were talking about our past, and he said that his first love that he dated also passed away. So I thought that was... interesting.

Wow, that definitely seems huge to me! It means he can understand and respect your current needs more than anyone right now. If anything, you two can end up being good friends. I've also considered many times that if I ever shared my life again with someone, him being a widower could indeed be a big plus in the way that we will both have been affected by something so ravaging and deep, and therefore could (perhaps?) build a life together helping each other. Best of luck to you in any case.

[KayC]

Yeah, I have a friend that was widowed and remarried and her husband is jealous of her deceased husband and won't let her put up a picture of him or talk about him, even though they had kids (they're grown now), I couldn't live like that.  He just totally doesn't get it.

[WaHaaf99]

I am lucky in that aspect. I never really thought of it, but of course I would love a photo of him somewhere to always remind me of him... well, I really wouldn't need a reminder because he is always in my mind 24/7... but just to make it seem more real I guess. I don't know how to describe it. Haha.

[KayC]

I totally understand.  We were just talking about how it seems like a dream (in another thread), having a photo helps because our mind can make us think we're crazy!  You don't have a picture?  Maybe you could get one off social media or try to find one in an obituary or something.

[WaHaaf99]

I have many photos of him, I just never printed one from a store and put the photo in a frame because I want to choose a good photo and frame. That is what I meant. :). Haha, trust me I have all of our photos since the week I met him. I love to keep all of our memories. 

[WaHaaf99]

I have heard of other people who have a photo, keep it there, take it down, back up, etc. Have you or anyone else done this? I might go sometime this week and get them developed.

[LoveGoli]

2 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

I have heard of other people who have a photo, keep it there, take it down, back up, etc. Have you or anyone else done this? I might go sometime this week and get them developed.

I have our wedding photo hanging on wall but I am not taking that down because once I reached home I can see him there, may be later I will take that down but not now, I am not ready currently

[WaHaaf99]

You don't have to take it down in the future. In fact, if I were in that same situation I would keep it forever. I am crying for a few reasons tonight. I'll be back in a while later.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

I have heard of other people who have a photo, keep it there, take it down, back up, etc.

I did this time and again in the earlier years, I finally left it up to stay.  Sometimes it was too painful to see, but now I find it a comfort and enjoy looking at him.

[WaHaaf99]

One thing I have noticed so far is that I am missing him way more than I have since I moved from my old house back on the 16th. It has really just hit me within the last week, which would have been this past week with my new boyfriend. I haven't really shown it to him, or really anywhere. It really hits me before I go to sleep at night, and I just want to listen to the music that my love sent me last year during the fall. Like right now, I am listening to a song that he sent me last year. It is a whole playlist of romantic music that is on YouTube and he sent me that video within the first month of us knowing each other prior to us dating. This morning, I was watching my favorite show and one of the episodes that was on was when one of the characters' late husband really just staged his death and came back and they talked and hugged at the end. This episode - however - was one of those episodes where at the end it is all just a dream. So like the whole episode is the characters' dream and at the end they wake up and realize it was a dream.

For me, I'll stay with my current boyfriend because it has only been a week, but I think - honestly - nobody can replace him. It just won't happen. Which can also be a good thing because that means that our love that we had each other was very real and very good. So I am lucky in a way because I felt good for once in my life and that he is not replaceable. That is he that special to me. So special, he can't be replaced, nor do I want that. I don't want that because I would feel like a cheater. However, at the same time - I won't feel that love again. So it has its ups and downs. He is my first, and he knew/knows that. That and because my birthday is in 4 days... I really wish he could be with me. We met about 2 weeks after my birthday last year. I wish that he could have lived to spend my first birthday with him together.

[KayC]

No one does replace them, that's not possible.  No one is like them.  If you go into another relationship you have to realize that up front and appreciate that person for who they are, not wish they were a replica of the one you lost.  You will continue to miss him no matter how wonderful the new one is.  And you will continue to grieve.
You are not a cheater.  Your old life is gone.  Do what you feel best for yourself, but realize you will need to continue to grieve, it doesn't end even when we rebuild our lives.  Know also that it is normal and okay to have many different feelings at the same time, all of them valid, even when they seem conflicting.  Grief is definitely a "different" journey, isn't it.

[Francine]

On 9/7/2017 at 11:43 AM, KayC said:

Grief is definitely a "different" journey, isn't it.

So true!  A journey with no rule book; no time frame.  It has its own fingerprint.  I think as we move forward through this journey we must acknowledge our loss and all the sorrow and sadness, but we must also remember all the love and laughter as well.   And if we do that, we're on the right road; the key, I think, is to stay on stay on that right road because no amount of travel on the wrong road will bring us to the right destination.