Going home for the first time

[AlwaysDee]

Its been a month since my John passed. I haven't been home since it happened and have been staying with my mother and young sister. We found him in the neighborhood pool about a 2 minute walk from our front door.

I'm not ready to go home. I'm not ready to drive past that pool. I'm not ready to go into our home and face him not being there.

My uncle went by the house today to check on it and grab my car that had been sitting there, he noticed that it looked like someone may have tried to jimmy the front door open. The paint is scraped on the door near the locks like someone tried to pry it open... The whole neighborhood knows its empty, and while I've had a ton of family and friends stopping by every few days, no one is officially staying there right now.

I'm now terrified someone is trying to/will come back to break into the house. Our whole life is in there and and I can't lose our things, its all I have left of him!

So I feel like my hand is being forced... my brother and sister in law are on their way to get me and take me home so we can check out the situation and maybe start getting things out of the house... I am so scared. I'm not ready to go back but I feel a duty to protect our home. He worked so hard to proved for us and I can't not take care of all his hard work.

Has anyone else taken awhile to go back home? not go home at all? Did you go right back? Been scared to go home?

How do I know whats the right time, and what if theres never a right time? Am I pushing myself? Will this be good for me or just hurt me more?

Say a prayer of strength for me please, I wanted to go home on my own time and here I am heading back, totally not ready, but knowing I need to take care of the things we have left...

 

[Djh0901kc]

I took over a month to go home for the first time. Now 10 weeks later I still dont go/stay there on a regular basis. Whenever I do go there it's pretty much a nightmare of tears. Our house was also broken into. Our PlayStation 4 and a guitar my wife got me were taken. Also, a journal she had made me with a 15 year old card she had given me on our first Valentines Day. Inexplicable that someone took that but they did and I can't even stand to think about it. I think most everything is still there but I haven't really been able to check. I would advise beefing up the locks and taking all the time you need.

[AshleyDonahue]

I will pray for you. I'm glad you will have your brother and SIL with you... I hope they will be understanding and supportive, because it will undoubtably be really difficult. I truly hope no one has been able to break in. Is there a neighbor nearby that you trust that can check in more often? 

It was about three weeks for me before I went back. I had been in the hospital and then a rehab facility after our accident... friends and relatives had been in and out of the house, for practical reasons (e.g. To bring some of my clothes to the rehab place) and I remember that was an unnerving and weird feeling. Going back for myself the first time, I was with my parents, and the whole thing was a blur. I was crying a lot and kind of just went from room to room, and it was surreal to see our day-to-day living stuff left as it was before the accident. It was like time had stopped. A pile of his laundry in the master closet, towels hanging in the shower, our mail and misc papers on the kitchen counter... I hated it. But it was necessary, and I'm glad I was able to at least get some sentimental things - some of his shirts, his coffee thermos, pictures - that I've kept with me while I'm staying with my parents. 

[M88]

I am so sorry you guys have had to endure the added stress, which must be great, of scumbags breaking or attempting to break into your homes.   

I didn't need to leave our home but without hubby here, having lost my whole sense of safety, and a step son staking his claim on hubbys possesssions, everything good and safe I had previously felt about our home was completely gone.  I felt I had absolutlely no safe place in the world anymore.  

It took me many, many months, but it is once again my much loved safe haven.  Sadly, I will need to sell it and move to the city due to my newly developed phobia of not being able to drive on our roads.  We don't have the health services I need in the village I live in. 

I suspect that even without added issues, it does take time for the bereaved to adjust to living in the home we chose and shared with our much loved soul-mates.  I think most of us grow to cherish our homes again.  I hope you guys will too. 

Sending strength and hugs. 

[Eagle-96]

I didn't go back to the house to stay for two weeks. Even then I had people stay the night with me for 2 more weeks. I needed that transition to be able to feel somewhat comfortable in our house. And that's what it still is. Our house. There are times I still break down when I use the bathroom that I found Lori in having her heart attack. I suppose I'll have those moments forever. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be difficult at times to be there in your house. The memories you two built there remain. The feelings, the moments, the laughter and tears. They're all still there where you left them. You go back to live there when you are ready. It's your decision, period. If you are feeling pressured then tell those that are applying that pressure how you feel. Tell them the emotional roller coaster you are going through. From their position it's just a house you're going back to. It seems like the easiest decision in the world to them. But to you its a home you are going back to. It's all the memories. The highs and lows. The happiness and joy. And even the those last memories of losing him. They simply don't understand the conflict in your heart and mind. Tell them. I hope that whatever your decision is, you will be comfortable and know it was right. We're all here for you.

[KayC]

I had nowhere else to go so had to stay in our home.  I still feel this is my haven, George loved it.  If/when the time comes I can no longer stay here due to age and being unable to keep it up, it will be a huge adjustment I can't even imagine.
 

It seems it hits different people differently, some feel the need to move, some to hang on to it.  I can only say do what feels most comfortable to you.  If you own your own home, you'd have to clear it out and sell it, and that would be hard and seem so final, especially to those new in their grief.  They say not to make big decisions in the first year and I'd extend that to 2-3 because it's hard to think with clarity when you have brain fog.  But sometimes practicality forces our hand.  If you're renting and can't afford to keep paying on it, that is a very real consideration.  My heart goes out to you as you try to decide what to do.  You may find after a time you feel differently about it, feelings can vacillate. 

[Azipod]

I would suggest that you have a family member stay with you for some time.

I was in a fog in the earlier days (still am to some degree now) and I'm actually surprised I cannot remember the full details.   But I did have my brother stay with me for a few days.  When he left, those first few days were difficult.  I didn't want to be home.   It was a very odd feeling and overall, I felt completely empty.   Staying in the house alone was difficult, but it wasn't the most difficult part about losing a spouse.  The fact that my spouse was no longer with me was a lot more overwelming than just being physically in the house alone.     

I do recall I hated going home.  I went back to work shortly after I had the service and the was the easiest part.  I dreaded going home after work.  For the first 2 weeks, I recall crying over dinner, and crying myself to sleep each night.   After dinner, I would basically just sit on my bed and cry myself to sleep.     After 2 weeks, I was slowly able to spend my evenings in the living room to rot.   It got better, slowly.

Perhaps you can have someone stay with you for some time, and if possible, just slowly have them spend less time at your house.   Also, during my time, I spent some of the evenings outside of the house to run errands.  It felt horrible, but at least I did not stay in the house waiting for time to come around.     

The key is to keep yourself busy.  If you are occupied doing other things, the time will go by faster.  Trust me, even if you are occupied, you will still grief, you will still think about how difficult things are.  So don't worry about not facing grief -- you will face it.  But by keeping yourself occupied, it makes it a bit easier.

 

 

 

[KayC]

In the early years I dreaded nights and weekends, in other words, going home to an empty house.  I didn't attribute it to not wanting to be in my home, but just having to face the emptiness and changes represented by his absence.  I still loved our home, it's just there are so many adjustments to living alone, not having that time together to look forward to anymore.

I did have my daughter stay with me for a while, that helped, but it wasn't long and she would be busy with her friends, then gone altogether.  Work was my lifesaver...then I lost my job.  It DOES help to have someplace to go, but we can't be busy all the time, at some point we face the changes...

[KMB]

I could never think of leaving our home. It has been hard, adjusting to the physical absence of my husband, the loss of our routines, among other things. But, this is where the memories are .His essence is still everywhere. I also think staying here has been beneficial, in having me face my loss head on, instead of trying to circumvent it by staying elsewhere. The memories, his belongings, are triggers, but as time goes on, all that is getting easier to bear. I have come to cherish everything about our life together.

This was my own decision in staying in our home. Everyone has a different situation and needs to do what they think is best for themselves and their needs, be it finances or whatever else. I am fortunate to be living in the family home where my husband's parents had paid the mortgage off a long time ago. I know others are not so fortunate and have to base their decisions on many factors.