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Mooma

Can a forum help me? It's unbearable.

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Mooma   

I lost my 20 year old daughter to a drug overdose 4 months ago. I received the call from the detective that plays over and over in my mind that she passed away. Almost everything inside me died the moment my brain comprehended the words that came out of his mouth.  She was bipolar, and became very manic.. but was one of the most outstanding individuals I can ever know. Such a wonderful person,  but she couldn't stand to face the world without drugs. She was seeing a psychiatrist for years, and nothing worked. I have tried to protect her for 20 years, and I couldn't.  Her sisters lost having this amazing soul in their lives,  and I am unable to face the day.  My body hurts, I weep constantly,  I can't believe this is it. I gave her life, and it was taken from me. I don't know how to speak anymore. I can't smile. I can barely put on a brave face for my surviving daughters, which I believe is the only reason I'm still here. I want to know how I can breathe again. How I can feel the sunshine and not feel guilty that I'm able to feel it and not my daughter. Or to deal with the pain facing the fact that she will never feel it again. I can't exercise, it hurts to move. I have no one to talk to that can possibly understand me. I'm lucky I have anyone. I have a very small number of friends,  and I snap at them or can only tell them I'm in an enormous amount of pain. 

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Mom8   

Hi Mooma,

This is my first time here, and happened to see your post.  I lost my 20 year old son 5 months ago yesterday.  I am wondering the same thing.  I keep going as I have 7 other kids, but I too am struggling.  We had went on a camping trip for Spring break, we were about 3 hours from home.  He still lived with us, but had to work and didn't go with us.  I only talked to him 2 very short times while we were gone.  We left on a Sunday and returned the following Saturday.  My husband was driving his truck and pulling our camper and I was driving in another car.  I got home and seen his car in the driveway.  I immediately wondered why he didn't go to work.  But, I needed to move his car out of the driveway before my husband got there with the camper.  I ran into the house after my daughters, looked for his keys, couldn't find them.  I went back into his room and got his keys, it was so quiet in there.  I ran back out and moved his car, then took the dogs outside.  I kept feeling weird about him not stirring when I went in there, so I ran back to his room and grabbed his hand.  There was no response.  He was still very warm and limber, I started screaming to the girls to call 911, I didn't know if they were, so I got my cell and called.  My husband came in and started cpr.  When the paramedics got here they hooked something up to him and call time of death.  They didn't even try to revive him.  It has been by far the worst thing in my life I've had to deal with.  I don't understand what happened.  He was a wonderful, vibrant, caring guy.  He loved his family and he loved life.  It took us over 2 months to get the autopsy finished to where we had a final death certificate.  It listed his death as accidental, but that he had a toxic combination of stuff in his system.   I do know he was taking prescriptions for anxiety and depression, that he started in mid December.  Life will just never be the same.  The more time that goes by, the more I miss him and the more I struggle.  It has been hard on the whole family, my husband is having a very hard time dealing with it also.  But even though I know everyone else is hurting too, I feel so alone in my grief, if that makes sense.  I feel like a part of my heart has been ripped from my chest and my life has come to a halt. I feel like I let my son down, that I should have known something was going on. ect.  I do have a wonderful family, parents, siblings, ect... But I have been longing to talk to another mom who understands what they can't.

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Mooma   

Dear Mom8

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I appreciate it. I too feel very much alone. I tend to snap at my family because they don't know MY pain. I made her. You always feel that way about your children, you created them. Everywhere you went for 9 months, they were there. The time you can protect your child the most. Since her death, I feel like that child I made, I gave her life,  but it was taken from me. It does feel like your heart is ripped out.  It feels like there's black and emptiness inside, like I cry hot lava and breathe hot air. I know everyone says to stay strong for your other kids, and your deceased child would hate to see you suffer. I know all this. I wish it could stop, how crippled I've become,  but I can't.  I don't see how the days of my life will now be with my 2 children, not 3. As you are, with your 8, now 7. I've lived the past 20 years with her..everything I see sparks something in my head to shut down, or bawl. I cry and say her name. I don't know how to do this, to never laugh with her again,  or hear her voice. And as of yet, of have still not received an autopsy/toxicology report..and have written them requesting it.

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mooma and mom8 thank you for sharing your stories and I am so sorry for your losses. Yes a forum like this is really helpful because we have all lost a child/children in a variety of ways at different ages and lengths of time ago. Most of us post on the Loss of an adult child thread it is very active and full of caring members who offer advice support and encouragement. Sometimes partners do not seem to get it as they have their own unique perspective and sometimes the siblings do not know how to handle or express their grief. Sometimes we parents dont handle it well either because it feels like your world has ended and there will never be a time when you can laugh or smile again. Grieving is a long drawn out process full of ups and downs and emotional swings, it is truly exhausting. Sometimes even family or close friends do not get it and have wildly unrealistic expectations of how to behave and grieve. I have cried so many tears over these last 2 years cried until I was sick and then cried some more. Your heart literally rips apart. I could not cope with my 3 other kids either they are all adults and feel I let them down in their time of need but it was not done purposefully I was crazed. some people find the autopsy report a relief because it gives some answers some people are not ready to view it depends on the person. There is no right or wrong answer we are all unique individuals. This site has given me a voice when I could not speak the words "my child died." I could type at anytime day or night  whilst sobbing and release some feelings or ask questions or question my sanity or beliefs without feeling judged. the members here are all without exception kindhearted and supportive I feel I would not have made so much progress without them. Please join us and let us offer you both a hand in friendship and understanding your devaststing losses. Take care both of you.

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Mooma   

Tommy's mom, thank you. It's all surreal. Time almost doesn't exist to me anymore. It's all I think about. I want to function,  but it seems as if people think I'm able to just pull myself out of it. As if our brains can even comprehend  losing a child. We're not wired for this,  so our minds go haywire or shut off not knowing how to handle day to day life anymore with all this hurt. I'm hoping I can learn to deal with this in a way better than I am now, which is essentially deteriorating.  I hope I find the strength that many of you have found.

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Mooma and Mom8....I saw your post yesterday Mooma and wanted to answer but...my phone started ringing...we are in the midst of Hurricane Harvey...where I live we are getting high winds and lots of rain....

    Please go to Loss of Adult Child....there are many active parents on that site....some have lost a child to overdose...my granddaughter has gone to 2 funerals in the space of 2 months...friends who died of overdose. It is an epidemic and beyond sad. I wish every local newspaper and large urban papers would publish how many dies of overdose in their area....and wake up the public to this devastation that parents are facing.

We lost our beautiful and beloved son...John David in 2012.....he was 42....very ill and had a massive heart attack. In December of 2012...I was looking something else up on the internet...and was 'guided' to this site....this site has been a lifesaver to me. I do not have a circle of friends that has lost a child and one can only understand this dark, heavy, hateful kind of grief unless you have lost a child. I wore a 'shock suit' for the first 3 years. I had horrible insomnia. Grief is so exhausting. I felt as if I could not breathe...and the physical pain was felt all over my body. This kind of grief can impact you mentally...emotionally and physically. Please...'self care'....just be very gentle and kind to yourself....try to drink lots of fluids...eat fruits....try to walk outside sometime during the day.

I believe that early grief and guilt go hand in hand in the first year....I believe it is normal for a parent to feel guilt...we are wired to protect our child...and no matter if our child died when they were 1,000 miles away...or in the next room....we will have a blanket of guilt on us. As time goes on....rational thinking will rise and take over the emotional thinking. For now....just bend into the grief. Everything you are feeling is normal....that is one important fact I discovered when I found this site...I wasn't going crazy...I was just in deep mourning.

I am now in my 5th year of my grief journey...the first 3 years were hard...dark...and emotionally draining. The parents on this site I credit for being as 'healthy' as I am now. We have 6 children...now all adults...our daughter is the oldest...then 5 boys...John David was the oldest son. Each sibling was very impacted. My husband was angry enough for 4 people.

We are here to hear you. None of us are professional therapists or counselors...just parents that come here to be understood....we do understand what you are going through. We don't have any answers....just coping skills to get you by...one day at a time. I describe my early grief when '2 plus 2 is not 4'....it is like hitting a brick wall.

Please go to Loss of Adult child and let us know how you are doing...and tell us about your child.

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Mooma   

Thank you for your advice. How do i go about joining you in the adult loss page?

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mooma go to the main page and choose the loss of a child thread then choose loss of an adult child link at the top. make sure you click onto the last page so you are current. The people there are lovely and it does help talking and venting to other parents. hope to see you there.

mom8 this message is for you too please join us.

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Mooma   

Should i go there and quote my original post?

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mooma that should be fine it tells a bit about your story to introduce you come on over.

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