Inconsiderate things you've heard while grieving by people trying to ''help''?

[FirstWasLast]

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Lori and her sister had to deal with her mom's outbursts for a while. I would listen on speaker phone at what they had to endure sometimes. She could say some pretty mean things. But I had never been the recipient of any outbursts. She could be as sweet as Tupelo honey one minute and as mean as a viper the next. 99% of the conversations would be fine but that 1% was a doozie. No rhyme or reason to the episodes. It was so very hard to hear her say that to me but I know in my heart it wasn't true. This grief stew is pretty hard to swallow sometimes. Especially when people keep throwing poison in the pot.

Yes, I know how dementia works and I've also witnessed my grandmother going from sweet to mean in the blink of an eye. That's why I said that it's certainly justified, but it's the last thing one needs when grieving.

[WaHaaf99]

"Forget about him already."

"If you keep thinking of him, he won't be able to rest in peace."

"You'll find someone else soon."

"You'll get better eventually. You just need to accept everything and go on."

"Life goes on."

"Everyone has to die eventually."

[FirstWasLast]

3 hours ago, WaHaaf99 said:

"Life goes on."

People mean that as something good, but to me it's a curse. Yes, life does go on, that's the problem. It goes on when you don't want it to and it forces you to move forward against your feelings and will. 

The first major loss in my life was my grandma, the person that raised me, three years ago. After her funeral, I remember going on a long walk by myself, just crying and trying to realise what had happened. I ended up in a crowded mall and I sat on a bench and observed people passing by. I was baffled by how carefree they looked, how their lives were completely unaffected by what seemed to me like the end of the world as I knew it. Obviously, I was aware of the fact that strangers can't possibly be affected by my loss, but seeing them in that state, so completely different from mine, made me realise how cruel is actually is that ''life goes on''.

No need to mention how that felt after losing my partner...

[FigsNewton]

I lost my Dad, so its not the same but a girl at work said "Yeah I miss my Dad too" one day when I said out loud that I missed my Dad.

I said, "oh, did you lose your dad, too?"  She said, "Oh, no - he's in florida" 

FACEPALM

[FirstWasLast]

6 hours ago, FigsNewton said:

I lost my Dad, so its not the same but a girl at work said "Yeah I miss my Dad too" one day when I said out loud that I missed my Dad.

I said, "oh, did you lose your dad, too?"  She said, "Oh, no - he's in florida" 

FACEPALM

The compulsive need some people have to always comment on everything just baffles me...

[Eagle-96]

9 hours ago, FigsNewton said:

I lost my Dad, so its not the same.

Don't discount your loss because it is not a spouse. Your dad was important to you and you hurt because he is gone. That is all that matters. We all lost someone we care about and are all on this road together.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

"The stress you gave Lori caused her heart attack. You did this!"

It's hard to believe someone could be so horrible as to say that but I guess nothing should surprise me anymore.  That is about the most inappropriate (and untrue) thing someone could say!  I think I'd avoid them...or at least have a confrontation about it.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

The compulsive need some people have to always comment on everything just baffles me...

Umhumm..."diarrhea of the mouth".  

[Eagle-96]

28 minutes ago, KayC said:

It's hard to believe someone could be so horrible as to say that but I guess nothing should surprise me anymore.  That is about the most inappropriate (and untrue) thing someone could say!  I think I'd avoid them...or at least have a confrontation about it.

I have not spoken to her in almost three months. It's hard because now I feel like I have lost Lori AND her mom. Her mom and I always had such a great relationship, or so I thought. It makes me wonder what she really thought of me the last fourteen years. I have been given the advice from both Lori's brother and sister to just not contact my MIL as they understand her dementia and it's effects. They are absolutely in my corner. It's like a broken record for me but, yet again an aspect of grief that people just don't know that we deal with.

[Djh0901kc]

My wife's family posted stuff like that on my FB page. There's mental health issues and alcoholism that run in the family but still. Cuts like a knife.

[FirstWasLast]

5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I have not spoken to her in almost three months. It's hard because now I feel like I have lost Lori AND her mom. Her mom and I always had such a great relationship, or so I thought. It makes me wonder what she really thought of me the last fourteen years. I have been given the advice from both Lori's brother and sister to just not contact my MIL as they understand her dementia and it's effects. They are absolutely in my corner. It's like a broken record for me but, yet again an aspect of grief that people just don't know that we deal with.

Though I'm not exactly in the same situation, what you describe brings up the question of your dead loved one's family. Ever since I lost my partner, I feel the need to go towards anything that's his, his family included. They are wonderful people and they try to stay close to me as much as they can but the problem is that we know each other very little because they live in a different country. Also, and that's probably cultural, they don't really talk about their grief and pain. All I want to do is talk about him with people who've known him 24/7, but I feel like that makes them kind of uncomfortable. A different way to deal with loss, which is perfectly acceptable too. I've always wondered if my loneliness would be slightly less crushing if I lived in the same country. On the other hand, one of his older brothers is the spitting image of my partner. When I saw him at the funeral it broke my heart, because he looked so handsome and I know that's what my love would have looked like 10 years from now. Do you find it comforting to have Lori's brother and sister around or not really?

[Eagle-96]

5 minutes ago, FirstWasLast said:

Though I'm not exactly in the same situation, what you describe brings up the question of your dead loved one's family. Ever since I lost my partner, I feel the need to go towards anything that's his, his family included. They are wonderful people and they try to stay close to me as much as they can but the problem is that we know each other very little because they live in a different country. Also, and that's probably cultural, they don't really talk about their grief and pain. All I want to do is talk about him with people who've known him 24/7, but I feel like that makes them kind of uncomfortable. A different way to deal with loss, which is perfectly acceptable too. I've always wondered if my loneliness would be slightly less crushing if I lived in the same country. On the other hand, one of his older brothers is the spitting image of my partner. When I saw him at the funeral it broke my heart, because he looked so handsome and I know that's what my love would have looked like 10 years from now. Do you find it comforting to have Lori's brother and sister around or not really?

I find it immensely comforting. Her brother and sister are a touchstone of sorts. They have both been so supportive and made it clear that I am always a part of the family. That means the world to me. I actually see her sister more now than when Lori was alive. The families live about 2 hours from me so keeping in touch is an easy task. I also see the nieces and nephews as well and keep in touch via text and FB. Two of our nephews have had babies since Lori passed. It is a happy occasion but one that is tinged bittersweet in that Lori is not here to meet her great-nephews. It's hard to have two such contrasting emotions in what should be the happiest of days.  

[FirstWasLast]

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

I find it immensely comforting. Her brother and sister are a touchstone of sorts. They have both been so supportive and made it clear that I am always a part of the family. That means the world to me. I actually see her sister more now than when Lori was alive. The families live about 2 hours from me so keeping in touch is an easy task. I also see the nieces and nephews as well and keep in touch via text and FB. Two of our nephews have had babies since Lori passed. It is a happy occasion but one that is tinged bittersweet in that Lori is not here to meet her great-nephews. It's hard to have two such contrasting emotions in what should be the happiest of days.  

Same here, my partner's great-nephew was born two months after his passing... I guess it gives a reason to his family to not be completely devastated, but to me it's heart-breaking.

[Kpoties]

For me it's "He's in a better place". They don't understand that for me he WAS in a better place here with me, with our boys, and our grandchildren. 

[FirstWasLast]

7 hours ago, Kpoties said:

For me it's "He's in a better place". They don't understand that for me he WAS in a better place here with me, with our boys, and our grandchildren. 

Also, may I say that nobody knows that for sure. Maybe he's in a better place, maybe he's in a worst place, maybe he's in no place at all. Everytime I get an overly confident affirmation like ''he's in a better place'', all I can do is reply ''how do you know''?

[Eagle-96]

12 hours ago, Kpoties said:

For me it's "He's in a better place". They don't understand that for me he WAS in a better place here with me, with our boys, and our grandchildren. 

My SIL and I had this very conversation. She said someone told her that phrase and she just wanted to yell to them that "Yes, but I want her here with me". Some of the best comfort I have gotten was from a co-worker who came up to my desk to get something and he didn't say a word he just patted me on the shoulder and walked away. That meant more than any cliche or platitude ever could.

 

BTW Kpoties: Share if and when you are ready. We're here for you.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Kpoties said:

For me it's "He's in a better place". They don't understand that for me he WAS in a better place here with me, with our boys, and our grandchildren. 

When I was told this my response was the same.  What better place could there be than here with me in our home?!

[KMB]

16 hours ago, Kpoties said:

For me it's "He's in a better place". They don't understand that for me he WAS in a better place here with me, with our boys, and our grandchildren. 

We all think that, when hearing that platitude. We want all our loved ones to stay in this life with us and we think that we should all leave this earth together. It does not happen that way unfortunately, and those of us left behind have to somehow struggle on, forever carrying that pain in our hearts.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. We are here for each other and feel free to express yourself when you need to. Sometimes, just reading posts can make the moments a little more bearable.

[Lori353]

KMB wrote: Personally, I feel this list should be printed on a deceased person's memorial/funeral services handout. Maybe, it would give a person pause before speaking to the bereaved.

 

I think that would be a nice thing to include. Its early and the comments I am getting? WOW.. we were unequally yoked? He had one foot in the -------? You tried your best to help him? Really? He had a mental disease, imagine the thoughts going through his mind all the time. I just wish wish wish, I had said let's do this Jose! Let's find our dream.

[Lori353]

On 8/29/2017 at 10:34 AM, KayC said:

On 8/28/2017 at 10:41 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I got that one too. You broke his heart. IF I did , dear Lord forgive me. I know all we went through and so does God, and well the people around me that saw. I still wish he was here and we could turn things around.