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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Ka9219

Third month

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51 minutes ago, FirstWasLast said:

I know, and I feel like such a horrible person for thinking that way since there are people who are actually dying and losing everything they have. Further proof that if life were remotely fair, catastrophic things would happen to people who actually want to die and other would be spared.

I wish I died in the place of one of those hurricane victims. It'd be a win win... Thats all I wish for now. A quick death.

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On 9/1/2017 at 8:42 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I like just about any music. Lori was a country music fan. We would be in the kitchen or living room and she would hold out her hands and we would just dance. I can't imagine anything better in the world. Our nephew is a country music artist so we found ourselves dancing to him a lot.

 

Sean, I know I'm far behind on a lot of these threads, but just wanted to say - albeit a bit late - that your nephew is incredibly talented!! I liked both of those songs, and the videos are really well done too.

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Ka9219   
On 9/9/2017 at 3:38 AM, FirstWasLast said:

With all the hurricanes going on right now and the general decadence of mankind, I saw an article yesterday saying that the world will supposedly end in October 2017 because a meteor will hit earth or something. The title was ''Will the world end in October?''. My only thought was ''Let's hope so.''

The funny think is that I thought the same, and as @TooDevastated said, I wish I could give my life instead of one of those who died due the Hurricane, still, thinking about all the death and devastation the hurricane is causing bring me so much pain, thinking about all the families. husbands and wives who are burying someone today because a catastrophe took someone important away. 

I wish I could stop the suffering in the world, no more widows, no more widowers, or at least until both of them have lived a long a happy life together, no tragedy, no sudden deaths, no terrible diseases. This path is so cruel, no one deserve to be going through this. I've see so many good people, who deserve to keep living next to his waive of his husband.  

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Missy27   
On 8/26/2017 at 1:07 AM, KylieL said:

Me too. I sometimes feel worst than ever. I don't cry much now, but it feels like there's something inside my chest, and it becomes heavier day by day. 

The first few days after my boyfriend died, there were so many people checking on me and saying they were here for me. But after 2 months, there's no one asking me if im ok. And his friends disappeared. Most people don't understand how it feels. They tend to avoid sad things and things that they don't know how to react to. I'm lucky that I still got some close friends who are fine with me talking about him, even though they don't know what to say to comfort me, they just listen. I hope you can find someone who is fine with you talking about Mario. I hope your friends understand that it is important for you to talk about him.

2 months is not long. I remember every single moment of the day I lost him. The time I spent with him was just one year and my mom said to me "it's already 2 months." It may be a lot compared to the time we were together, but it's short compared to the time that we were supposed to spend together. Time is not the same, everything is not the same after our loved one passed away. I'm sure everyone here feels the same. 

It takes time. It's a long journey. I hope we can find peace someday.

I feel the same way I felt so overwhelmed with people at first which was sort of comforting because the one I lost was basically they only person I would text all day while we were at work and we would constantly tag each other lol.... if I watched it and liked it he watched it to. But now there's no one to talk to....no one that really cares or knows how it feels. i think that's why I turned here to strangers which have been more comforting than anything. My mom and brother are staying with me still because it's only been 5 days now but she's constantly asking me if I am OK?!  she doesn't get that I will never ever be "Ok" again in my life I am here if you ever need to talk

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10 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I wish I could stop the suffering in the world, no more widows, no more widowers, or at least until both of them have lived a long a happy life together, no tragedy, no sudden deaths, no terrible diseases. This path is so cruel, no one deserve to be going through this. I've see so many good people, who deserve to keep living next to his waive of his husband.  

If I'm not mistaken, in ancient Egypt, when a powerful man died they would bury along all of his relatives, servants, animals etc. Now while that would be an extreme measure to impose, I can't help but think how wonderful it would have been if I had died along with my partner and never gotten to know a world without him. 

I know most of my posts are being quite macabre. Hopefully I'm not disturbing you guys too much...

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Ka9219   
8 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

If I'm not mistaken, in ancient Egypt, when a powerful man died they would bury along all of his relatives, servants, animals etc. Now while that would be an extreme measure to impose, I can't help but think how wonderful it would have been if I had died along with my partner and never gotten to know a world without him. 

I know most of my posts are being quite macabre. Hopefully I'm not disturbing you guys too much...

Well I don't find this macabre neither disturbing, I think most of us had thought about it at least once. Daily I think I don't want to live a life without Mario, I feel so empty and sad, I feel almost I've been punished by keep living in a reality where he is gone... If I could choose I'll be resting with him

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KayC   
On 9/12/2017 at 4:04 AM, Missy27 said:

she doesn't get that I will never ever be "Ok" again in my life

She may get it to some extent, that's why she keeps checking, asking "are you okay" is something people do even if they, especially if they, know we're not.  They don't know what to say or do.

 

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KMB   
11 hours ago, KayC said:

 

On 9/12/2017 at 6:04 AM, Missy27 said:

she doesn't get that I will never ever be "Ok" again in my life

She may get it to some extent, that's why she keeps checking, asking "are you okay" is something people do even if they, especially if they, know we're not.  They don't know what to say or do.

 

I feel that statement holds a lot of truth. With my daughter living with me currently, she quite often asks me if I am OK. There are times when I don't think she is watching, that I will be staring out the window for awhile thinking of my husband and she will catch me off guard and ask. Or, she might come upon me wiping tears away. She knows how I am feeling, but doesn't know what else to say.

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Azipod   
On 9/9/2017 at 5:42 AM, TooDevastated said:

I wish I died in the place of one of those hurricane victims. It'd be a win win... Thats all I wish for now. A quick death.

Me too.  I would love a quick and painless death.   I really need to get off the earth plane.

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LoveGoli   
57 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Me too.  I would love a quick and painless death.   I really need to get off the earth plane.

Did we ever imagine , we will beg for our death so desperately. I want to live long happy life with my husband and now I only beg for quick painless death. 

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Ka9219   
1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

Did we ever imagine , we will beg for our death so desperately. I want to live long happy life with my husband and now I only beg for quick painless death. 

At this point I don't care if it is a painful death, I just want this to be over

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LoveGoli   
14 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

At this point I don't care if it is a painful death, I just want this to be over

I understand you my friend, we both feeling the same pain.

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Eagle-96   
11 hours ago, KMB said:

I feel that statement holds a lot of truth. With my daughter living with me currently, she quite often asks me if I am OK. There are times when I don't think she is watching, that I will be staring out the window for awhile thinking of my husband and she will catch me off guard and ask. Or, she might come upon me wiping tears away. She knows how I am feeling, but doesn't know what else to say.

This says so much. A lot of people in our lives say things from a place of love that just doesn't come out right or comes at the wrong time. But there are also those people that are our true friends and loving family that want so desperately to help ease our pain but they just don't have the words. They just don't know what to say because the level of our grief is so daunting that there truly are no words to assuage our pain. Grief is unlike almost any other situation on Earth where we can talk our way through it or say something to cover the hurt. This is a terminal condition with no cure and no way to provide palliative relief. Your daughter wants to help but she can't.

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RWT143   
On 8/26/2017 at 5:33 PM, Francine said:

And then I remember my Charles, and that I still am blessed to carry something of how he was with me; that he left his mark of who he was on me.  It means that I can summon him back to my mind whenever I want and need to. It means that when we meet again (and we will) he will know me.  I means that even though he's gone, I can still see his face, hear his voice and speak to him in my heart.  And as long as I remember him, he is never lost; for  as long as I exist, he exist.

I love this so much Francine - it is so beautiful...   :wub:

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KMB   
8 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

This is a terminal condition with no cure and no way to provide palliative relief.

A side tangent here with your sentence, Sean. Currently, there are 5 states plus Washington D.C. with death with dignity statutes in place. My state has sent in a bill for this statute 8 times in 20 years. The latest bill was introduced in March of this year. Hasn't gone anywhere yet.  Our grieving is terminal, in a sense. It is an emotional pain that we have to live with the rest of our lives.I know death with dignity is for those with terminal illness but there should be compassion laws for the same statutes for those who just do not feel they can no longer be in this life due to emotional pain. It might be less of a social stigma for the word "suicide". I don't feel that no one should be forced to stay in this life, if their heart chooses to be somewhere else.

Maybe my thoughts seem crazy, but so many things go through my mind since I was forced into my situation.

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Ka9219   
11 hours ago, KMB said:

A side tangent here with your sentence, Sean. Currently, there are 5 states plus Washington D.C. with death with dignity statutes in place. My state has sent in a bill for this statute 8 times in 20 years. The latest bill was introduced in March of this year. Hasn't gone anywhere yet.  Our grieving is terminal, in a sense. It is an emotional pain that we have to live with the rest of our lives.I know death with dignity is for those with terminal illness but there should be compassion laws for the same statutes for those who just do not feel they can no longer be in this life due to emotional pain. It might be less of a social stigma for the word "suicide". I don't feel that no one should be forced to stay in this life, if their heart chooses to be somewhere else.

Maybe my thoughts seem crazy, but so many things go through my mind since I was forced into my situation.

Well KMB, I don't know if I talk about this before in the forum, in my first days with the psychologist, I was telling her how miserable I felt and how high were the probabilities I would feel the same the rest of my life because of my personality, because I tend to be pessimist even depressive! So I told her I had no the courage to "kill myself" but I wanted to died, so she told me we hard to work hard together because there was also a sort of "psychological suicide". I feel that's exactly what's happening with me, I live because I have to, so I eat, sleep, wake up, take a shower, but my willing to live, to dream and to accomplish is death, it died with Mario... as eagle say there is not possible treatment for this terminal condition, and we are forced -somehow- to live carrying this pain and suffering!! 

This is so unfair

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LoveGoli   
32 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I live because I have to, so I eat, sleep, wake up, take a shower, but my willing to live,

You read my mind, I am doing all these things, even going office and doing some work there as well but it doesn't mean that I am okay. I am just doing because I have to do this, this is not living. I feel like walking dead body,  no happiness inside me or I can say not even ok feeling inside me. Goli died only that day but I am dying every day, every minute and I am sure dying everyday is more painful rather than single day.

Life is just curse for me now.

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KylieL   
48 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I am just doing because I have to do this, this is not living. I feel like walking dead body,  no happiness inside me or I can say not even ok feeling inside me.

Same. I still have small laughs when I see something funny. There are small joys but nothing close to true happiness. I'm generally sad. I'm just surviving. 

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KayC   
1 hour ago, KylieL said:

Same. I still have small laughs when I see something funny. There are small joys but nothing close to true happiness. I'm generally sad. I'm just surviving. 

I try not to compare what was to what is.  I try to accept whatever good there is with gratefulness.  It has become a way of life for me.  There are times the differences in my life hit me in the face and I can't avoid it, like last night, knowing if George were here he'd drive me at night and be part of whatever I'm engaging in.  This is a struggle at best it seems.  I keep pushing on but sometimes it's so hard.  I think you sum it up well.
 

I wonder if all of you making statements about not wanting to live have ever known anyone who committed suicide.  I have.  It's hard, much harder than they could ever know for their families.  I realize their families didn't have to live their lives day in and day out.  But the problem with suicide is they can never know if life would have or could have gotten any better for them.  It doesn't allow for hope or any change to take place, it removes it.  It's so permanent, there's no undo button.  That said, it's something I've had to fight now and then.

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