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Ka9219

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Kayla and I were both hardcore gamers. When we first met she just watched me but by the time she died 15 years later we were fighting over who had platinumed more games in the last 6 months. I was so proud of how good she had gotten. Wish I had told her that instead of (playfully) talking trash.

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Did your bf Mario get a chance to play Breath of the Wild? It's the Zelda that came out earlier this year.

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13 hours ago, KylieL said:

I met my love by playing video game, too. (sometimes people think we are not serious about the relationship because of that.) I have some friends who usually play games together and my friends introduced him to me. We couldn't always go dating so we just play video games. We started playing FFXIV just two months before his death and we got married in the game lol it sounds stupid isn't it. But I'm so glad we did that, because I will never get a chance to marry him in real life. Now I can't play that game anymore, I never play that alone. I could't play any games until a month after his death. Now I still play his favorite game, Overwatch, with my friends, and one of his friends who started playing lately. I play our skype call recordings while playing the game, it feels like he is still here playing with me. But I don't enjoy the game as much as I did, it's not the same without him shouting "help" or "who killed my Kylie"... He always said he wanted a PS4. I was planning to give him one as a christmas gift, and we could play it together at christmas in his house. But now I don't have to buy it anymore ... Although we didn't have much memory of going out, dating, and mostly we just played video games together, I miss those days so much. It's so hard looking at the friend list and it says he's away for 2 months ... :( 

Is incredible how we can met our love one in the most unexpected ways. But is great to find someone who can share your hobbies. We used to shared some time together in the week, we usually met to get lunch together and do some stuff or just laying down on bed cuddling an talking about stuff, but weekends were our time, we used to go to the movies on Saturday night and on Sunday we do whatever we wanted to do, sleep, play videogames, went to a nice place, cooking together, I loved our time together. All nights we used to play WoW, we raided 3 days at week for 2 hours and then the other days we used to look for better gear for our characters, he also teach me how to play FFXIV and we also were partner on the game :P He bought me Overwatch but I got easily dizzy :( so we couldn't play as much as we wanted together, he also played Heros of Storm and I can't recall the name of the other game (also from blizzard). We didn't use skype we used to talk by Discord and we have our own channel in case we wanted to talk only with each other.

Kylie, I understand the feeling, is heartbreaking see: "Away for 3 months". He will never get online anymore, he will never can safe me or teach, we will never be the best couple team ever!! For last Christmas I gave him a book of Zelda and a game of Zelda for his 3DS, and we bought for me Mario Kart for Nintendo Switch.

Is nice how videogames can make people to get closer, as we didn't live together yet, he used to tell me that he loved to play with me because it was more time we could share together. Is terrible and so painful :( I haven't opened Battle.net since the day of the accident, and I don't know if I could play it again.

Maybe you can still buy the PS4 for you in honor to him? It could be a good idea if it makes you feel good.

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7 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Kayla and I were both hardcore gamers. When we first met she just watched me but by the time she died 15 years later we were fighting over who had platinumed more games in the last 6 months. I was so proud of how good she had gotten. Wish I had told her that instead of (playfully) talking trash.

 

7 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Did your bf Mario get a chance to play Breath of the Wild? It's the Zelda that came out earlier this year.

Is nice to see we can share this things, at the beginning I felt dumb because every time I saw the WoW logo on my computer desktop I started crying, I still think of his character, and sometimes I just sat down next to him to watch him played, he was a great gamer, he played with Lucio, Fara and the one who is crazy that uses mines -on Overwatch- and he was super good.

For me was heart warming when he told me: I am so proud of you, you have improve so much and now we can play together anything -on WoW- it made me the happiest girl in the world.

And yes, he had a countdown for that game, he was super excited and super happy about the Zelda Breath of the Wild, I was next to him a couple of times when he played it, is an amazing game, some nights he used to played some videos about the girl who is red -I can't remember her name-. He loved that character.

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13 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

do some stuff or just laying down on bed cuddling an talking about stuff,

I love this line because this is what we used to do on weekend. I miss those days so badly, I think I am gonna mad by missing him.

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6 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I love this line because this is what we used to do on weekend. I miss those days so badly, I think I am gonna mad by missing him.

It's curious how one memory can bring so much joy and so much pain at the same time. When we were cuddling he used to close his eyes and said: "this is my perfect moment, this is the moment when all the bad things, all the problems, and all the world disappears, nothing matters in this moment, is my moment of peace because you are here with me just lying and loving each other" He used to say it frequently, and he always kissed me. I also miss him :( 

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8 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

It's curious how one memory can bring so much joy and so much pain at the same time. When we were cuddling he used to close his eyes and said: "this is my perfect moment, this is the moment when all the bad things, all the problems, and all the world disappears, nothing matters in this moment, is my moment of peace because you are here with me just lying and loving each other" He used to say it frequently, and he always kissed me. I also miss him :( 

When we cuddled , he don't say anything but yes I mostly said that "I love you so much, I want to spend my whole life like this and I can't survive without you then he told me , I am not gonna leave you don't worry, I am gonna live at-least 70-80 years old and it makes me so happy because I always thought that I am the one who leave this earth first and this gives me so much happiness. "

 

But now I am surviving without him, I want to cry so loud .

 

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

When we cuddled , he don't say anything but yes I mostly said that "I love you so much, I want to spend my whole life like this and I can't survive without you then he told me , I am not gonna leave you don't worry, I am gonna live at-least 70-80 years old and it makes me so happy because I always thought that I am the one who leave this earth first and this gives me so much happiness. "

 

But now I am surviving without him, I want to cry so loud .

 

Do not hold it, cry as much as you need, is the only thing we can do. 

This is so sad, so much love, they were our soulmate and they are gone, is heartbreaking and Incapacitating moving through this live with this grieve :(

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When we would go to bed for the night we would watch TV until we fell asleep. I would lay my head next to her and she would scratch my head for a while. I really think that's my idea of Heaven. Oh what I would give to go back there for even one minute. It's those things that we used to take for granted. The things we thought would always be the same. Laying in bed all day on a weekend listening to the rain. Cooking dinner together after work. Slow dancing in the living room without a song playing. Oh how I would give everything I had for just one more dance. 

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AshleyDonahue
On 8/30/2017 at 10:48 AM, KayC said:

Oh I think he's bursting his buttons!  I feel proud and I don't even know you!  It is no easy accomplishment.  When my sister had her accident that killed her three year old and made her a quadriplegic and damaged my other sister's brain (equilibrium, so she falls) I was 15 and it scared me to death.  This was just at the time I should have been learning to drive, yet it took me YEARS to go for my driver's license!  You are pushing past this reminding fear in record time and I think it's remarkable!

Oh Kay, I had no idea - I'm so sorry about your sisters and niece. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you at such a young age, and for your poor parents. Driving is truly a scary business, although I will admit I never really thought twice about it before all this happened. It's amazing what you take for granted sometimes... thank you for your support. I'm extra cautious now - which is a good thing! - but it is definitely a step in the right direction. 

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AshleyDonahue
13 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

When we would go to bed for the night we would watch TV until we fell asleep. I would lay my head next to her and she would scratch my head for a while. I really think that's my idea of Heaven. Oh what I would give to go back there for even one minute. It's those things that we used to take for granted. The things we thought would always be the same. Laying in bed all day on a weekend listening to the rain. Cooking dinner together after work. Slow dancing in the living room without a song playing. Oh how I would give everything I had for just one more dance. 

All of this makes me want to cry (well, I already am just reading it); but those are such beautiful memories! The slow dancing in the living room!! Was there particular music that you both liked? 

We would always watch TV in the living room before going to bed. Most times, I would fall asleep on the couch, with my head on his lap; I was the first one to conk out, could never make it through the hour long shows like Person of Interest or Law & Order, as much as I tried, and David would have rouse me and drag me to bed. Once we got there, I would often scratch his back until he fell asleep, there was nothing he loved more. To echo your sentiment, I would do literally anything to do that once more. To just repeat a normal, simple nightly routine. Or to go grocery shopping together... oh how I miss that. I keep thinking of one particular time at Costco, when he pulled me in for a kiss in the middle of an aisle, as he was prone to do. A woman working there, handing out samples at the end of the aisle, grabbed my arm as we passed and said "never stop doing that!"... I never would have. 

 

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On 2017/8/31 at 0:25 PM, Ka9219 said:

Is nice how videogames can make people to get closer, as we didn't live together yet, he used to tell me that he loved to play with me because it was more time we could share together. Is terrible and so painful :( I haven't opened Battle.net since the day of the accident, and I don't know if I could play it again.

Maybe you can still buy the PS4 for you in honor to him? It could be a good idea if it makes you feel good.

Same. Even though we were not staying together but we did something together through video games :( I hope someday you can pick up the game again, or play it for him. I struggled too. I was thinking maybe I should give up all these games and delete it so it won't remind me the fact that he will never play with me again. and then I remember how much he likes to play video games, and all these games gave us so many memories. I write about the games in the diary and tell him what changed or what is added. I understand, it's painful. Sometimes I had so much fun playing with my friends, then I feel extra lonely because I can't play with him anymore... 

My brother has a PS4, and I used to borrow his when I wanted to play so I don't really need one :( Also I don't think I want to play on PS4 anymore. I love video games, but it's so hard for me to start a new game that he doesn't even know.

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14 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Cooking dinner together after work.

Oh I miss this too much, we cook dinner together. I am not good cook but my husband was very good cook and he used to prepare meal on weekend lunch and I was busy in cleaning the clothes and house.  I just miss him so badly, I can not stop crying , why we love someone so much .

9 years before I did not know him, I was living my life so freely and now he became my life, my everything and I am the person who is most affected now. LOVE is curse sometime.

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17 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

When we would go to bed for the night we would watch TV until we fell asleep. I would lay my head next to her and she would scratch my head for a while. I really think that's my idea of Heaven. Oh what I would give to go back there for even one minute. It's those things that we used to take for granted. The things we thought would always be the same. Laying in bed all day on a weekend listening to the rain. Cooking dinner together after work. Slow dancing in the living room without a song playing. Oh how I would give everything I had for just one more dance. 

Mario used to love to close his eyes and whisper: pamper me until I fall sleep. And used to touch his hair and his arms and within 5 minutes he was totally asleep, I felt the peace in him, his body was completely relaxed, I love him so much and I miss him so bad

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3 hours ago, KylieL said:

Same. Even though we were not staying together but we did something together through video games :( I hope someday you can pick up the game again, or play it for him. I struggled too. I was thinking maybe I should give up all these games and delete it so it won't remind me the fact that he will never play with me again. and then I remember how much he likes to play video games, and all these games gave us so many memories. I write about the games in the diary and tell him what changed or what is added. I understand, it's painful. Sometimes I had so much fun playing with my friends, then I feel extra lonely because I can't play with him anymore... 

My brother has a PS4, and I used to borrow his when I wanted to play so I don't really need one :( Also I don't think I want to play on PS4 anymore. I love video games, but it's so hard for me to start a new game that he doesn't even know.

I thought the same, I thought he wanted me to keep playing we put so much effort, but I can, some of his friends have told me to play with them, but I don't feel ready, I can't do it without him, is too painful. Maybe one day, I was thinking to start another account but I don't know, I think is not the right time for me :( 

I feel the same, I can't go to the new patch without him, is hard to think in the new dungeons and raids and listening to him laughing or joking when we were playing. 

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10 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

All of this makes me want to cry (well, I already am just reading it); but those are such beautiful memories! The slow dancing in the living room!! Was there particular music that you both liked? 

We would always watch TV in the living room before going to bed. Most times, I would fall asleep on the couch, with my head on his lap; I was the first one to conk out, could never make it through the hour long shows like Person of Interest or Law & Order, as much as I tried, and David would have rouse me and drag me to bed. Once we got there, I would often scratch his back until he fell asleep, there was nothing he loved more. To echo your sentiment, I would do literally anything to do that once more. To just repeat a normal, simple nightly routine. Or to go grocery shopping together... oh how I miss that. I keep thinking of one particular time at Costco, when he pulled me in for a kiss in the middle of an aisle, as he was prone to do. A woman working there, handing out samples at the end of the aisle, grabbed my arm as we passed and said "never stop doing that!"... I never would have. 

 

I like just about any music. Lori was a country music fan. We would be in the kitchen or living room and she would hold out her hands and we would just dance. I can't imagine anything better in the world. Our nephew is a country music artist so we found ourselves dancing to him a lot.

 

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I get up so early for work that I was always the first to fall asleep too. I would lay my head in her lap and she would scratch my head until I fell asleep. Then when she was ready for bed too she would wake me up, ask me to hold her, and roll over. I always told her that holding her was the best part of every single day. Nothing in the world felt that good. God I miss her so much

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4 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I get up so early for work that I was always the first to fall asleep too. I would lay my head in her lap and she would scratch my head until I fell asleep. Then when she was ready for bed too she would wake me up, ask me to hold her, and roll over. I always told her that holding her was the best part of every single day. Nothing in the world felt that good. God I miss her so much

It's those little things that seem so big now. Reflecting on those memories also makes me realize that I HAVE to appreciate the little things now. I have to live in the now and soak up every little good thing that crosses my path. I'd be doing Lori a disservice if I didn't.

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Wow!! Such a beautiful voice and songs, Eagle.  You must be very proud of your nephew. 

I think we have to do a lot of reflecting to get to the stage you're at now, eagle.  Painful but essential grief work.  

DJh - a beautiful, very special way to end the day.

Hubby and I always finished our day with a crossword puzzle then snuggled up together for sleep. 

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Sean, that is your nephew?  Wow!  George and my favorite was Country music, I still love it.  He had eclectic taste, like everything, country, jazz, blues, rock, classical, reggae, you name it, pretty much everything but rap.  Our favorite was country.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Sean, that is your nephew?  Wow!  George and my favorite was Country music, I still love it.  He had eclectic taste, like everything, country, jazz, blues, rock, classical, reggae, you name it, pretty much everything but rap.  Our favorite was country.

It's Lori's bothers son. We couldn't be prouder of him. He wrote Dark after several losses(two close friends died in a car wreck due to a drunk driver. He then lost one grandfather followed by Lori's dad). Out of grief comes art sometimes.

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I know exactly what you mean when you say friends are not there for you and some will even look aggravated when you bring up his name. It's going to be one year for me next month and if I was to bring up my husband's name, people would look at me all weird as if I am in need of psychiatric help. 

It's all normal. They don't know the least bit of what we are going through here. That's why I'm back on here. I want to express how empty I am and how much I still miss my husband. Who cares what those people out there in the real world thinks. We're all here for you. 

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5 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

I know exactly what you mean when you say friends are not there for you and some will even look aggravated when you bring up his name. It's going to be one year for me next month and if I was to bring up my husband's name, people would look at me all weird as if I am in need of psychiatric help. 

You are in my thoughts. I hit and have passed my one year mark. I do not feel any different than I did in the beginning. I thought I was past shock, denial and anger, but those emotions still creep in once in awhile. I am constantly sad, empty and always so lonely for my husband. I have been doing this life my way. Others don't understand. They expect me to be living a brand new, great life. Wait until someday when they find themselves in my shoes.

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12 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

I know exactly what you mean when you say friends are not there for you and some will even look aggravated when you bring up his name. It's going to be one year for me next month and if I was to bring up my husband's name, people would look at me all weird as if I am in need of psychiatric help. 

It's all normal. They don't know the least bit of what we are going through here. That's why I'm back on here. I want to express how empty I am and how much I still miss my husband. Who cares what those people out there in the real world thinks. We're all here for you. 

Chasisdope, I can't thank you enough for being there for me, is somehow good to know that in here people understand what we are feeling, the pain and the loneliness, is sad to feel this hole in our existence and we will nothing or nobody will ever filled, part of us also died and is hard to make others understand how is living like this, without our soulmate earth is such a lonely place to live.

I am constantly saying his name, and people look at me with pity, I kind of sad because sometimes I am saying good things and nice memories, and they always are feeling "pit", as you said they don't know, they don't understand, but I encourage you to keep telling his name, it is ok, they are real for us :) 

Hugs

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38 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

kind of sad because sometimes I am saying good things and nice memories, and they always are feeling "pit", as you said they don't know, they don't understand, but I encourage you to keep telling his name, it is ok, they are real for us :) 

When i said anything about my husband the same pity look i got.

My mother and sister are tired now because of my nature because i was so talkative person before but now i just stopped talking with anyone.

I just reach home and lie down and contineously see our wedding photo or cieling, i just answer if they ask anything but i dont start any topic to discuss. My sister is very fed up by this but what can i do, i am not doing this intentionally , i just dont want to talk to anyone.

My sister saying i should move on, there are other peoples also who lost their spouse or kids then why you are behaving like this, you are young think about your future.

I dont reply to her because she is not married yet so she cant understand this pain so i just dont reply her and i dont want she ever feel this pain.

 

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LoveGoli,

I guess not replying is about as good a response as you can give her.  You're right, she can't understand, and of course you wouldn't want her to go through this.  Just know that everything you are feeling is normal and to be expected.  You shouldn't have to engage in small talk just to please others.  This isn't about them, it's about what YOU are going through.  I'm glad you have this place to air your feelings.

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1 minute ago, KayC said:

LoveGoli,

I guess not replying is about as good a response as you can give her.  You're right, she can't understand, and of course you wouldn't want her to go through this.  Just know that everything you are feeling is normal and to be expected.  You shouldn't have to engage in small talk just to please others.  This isn't about them, it's about what YOU are going through.  I'm glad you have this place to air your feelings.

Thanks KC, for understanding so well. I think i am being so rude sometime with my mother while she taking care of me but sometime too much care iritates me. If i am saying no to something that means simple no but she ask me again and again and iritates me amd i hurt her, and i feel guilty later but i dont say sorry to her because i dont want to talk about anything. My sister angry with me because of this but i dont care if they want to talk they will otherwise i dont care. I know i am rude but this is me now rude, emotional , careless etc.

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It seems when you're grieving you have to fight for yourself, not sure why, has a lot to do with society's lack of understanding about grief.

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On 2/9/2017 at 4:16 AM, LoveGoli said:

When i said anything about my husband the same pity look i got.

My mother and sister are tired now because of my nature because i was so talkative person before but now i just stopped talking with anyone.

I just reach home and lie down and contineously see our wedding photo or cieling, i just answer if they ask anything but i dont start any topic to discuss. My sister is very fed up by this but what can i do, i am not doing this intentionally , i just dont want to talk to anyone.

My sister saying i should move on, there are other peoples also who lost their spouse or kids then why you are behaving like this, you are young think about your future.

I dont reply to her because she is not married yet so she cant understand this pain so i just dont reply her and i dont want she ever feel this pain.

 

Yes, the best replay in that situation is not replaying, we can explain ourselves but they wont understand.

We might see people out there walking, going to work, eating, but nobody knows what are they -and we- carrying inside our hearts, my mother in law once told me: yes I go out, I go to eat with my family, but people don't know that I am doing all of this with pain!! So accurate, we are in pain, and only us know how hard it feels

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7 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

Yes, the best replay in that situation is not replaying, we can explain ourselves but they wont understand.

We might see people out there walking, going to work, eating, but nobody knows what are they -and we- carrying inside our hearts, my mother in law once told me: yes I go out, I go to eat with my family, but people don't know that I am doing all of this with pain!! So accurate, we are in pain, and only us know how hard it feels

But why we why why? May be if we spend 20-30 more years together I was not this much angry, I will definitely sad like I am right now but the anger due to facing such pain in young age killing me. We have so many plans, he wants to become father and we are planning for that, he was only 30, is this a age to go heaven. He was such a pure soul, helping, respect elder then why he suffered. 

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Sadly, LoveGoli, no matter how many years we've spent with our soul-mates, it was never long enough.  The torture, the anger, the yearning for them, for our life together, will be the same - the greater the love the greater the grief.  Death of our soul-mate is unbearable, but we have no choice but to bear it. 

Strength, love and hugs Xx

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3 hours ago, M88 said:

no matter how many years we've spent with our soul-mates, it was never long enough.

While that's true, I think it must be especially hard for young people.  My husband died just after his 51st birthday, we didn't even meet until our 40s, we thought we had years and years left together, I felt gypped.  I think the younger you are (20s, etc.) you must feel all the more gypped.  And then there are those who were married 50 years, they don't even know how to do life without each other!  They finished each other's sentences! We did that too, we read each other's thoughts, but again, the longer you're together the more dependent you seem to get on each other.  I have a friend that is in her 80s and her husband recently died...she didn't know how to pay the bills and she doesn't drive.  And then there's the men who don't know how to cook.  Emotionally, I think it's all the same no matter how long we've been together or what age we are, but add in the being dependent on each other or the being very young, I think it adds another whole facet to it.  It's amazing how quickly you can intertwine though, I find I need him still, for everything, even though it's been 12 years and even though I've always been relatively independent and self-sufficient, I'm becoming less self-sufficient the older I get.

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

While that's true, I think it must be especially hard for young people.  My husband died just after his 51st birthday, we didn't even meet until our 40s, we thought we had years and years left together, I felt gypped.  I think the younger you are (20s, etc.) you must feel all the more gypped.

Yes this is so true, widow at young age is curse itself. We had so many plans and they all crashed while other people at our age enjoying their life and we are sitting here in deep dark place. I don't know how many years I am gonna live and it is painful because if you are young you expect at least 20-30 years more and its unimaginable to live without love for 20-30 years more.

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Today its 2 month for me, since I last see my Goli, sometime I feel 2 months like 2 decades and sometime when I remember him it feels like 2 days before. Life is so changed in 2 months:

1] I used to get up by seeing his face

2] I give him gn kiss every night

3] 6 pm he reached home

4] I was worry about dinner and his breakfast and lunch menu

5] I was not taking care of any bills

6] I used to get phone calls at my lunch time in office and messages

7] I was worry about my looks when going to office

8] I felt so energetic for going office and was so hardworking/focused girl

Now , I am just existing, lost my identity, meaningless life, no love, no kisses, emptiness inside, waiting to die.

How one person can change your whole identity life shows me and give me punishment for loving someone so deeply.

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On 9/4/2017 at 10:15 AM, KayC said:

 It's amazing how quickly you can intertwine though, I find I need him still, for everything, even though it's been 12 years and even though I've always been relatively independent and self-sufficient, I'm becoming less self-sufficient the older I get.

The intertwining was an instantaneous process, based on the soul mate factor, the" knowing" of belonging together. I've been finding out that it isn't just the aging process that is causing me to becoming a little less self-sufficient, it is the declining of the old will power to do so. The exhaustion of my grieving has been doing a number on me mentally. I've gone from" positive" and "let"s get it done" to" whatever" and" I don't care".

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On 9/5/2017 at 5:24 AM, LoveGoli said:

Now , I am just existing, lost my identity, meaningless life, no love, no kisses, emptiness inside, waiting to die.

How one person can change your whole identity life shows me and give me punishment for loving someone so deeply.

Your first sentence speaks for so many of us. But, I don't see it as we are being punished for our loss. We need to feel blessed we were given that opportunity, to find and experience the love we did. I feel it is an honor we were chosen to be the ones they spent the rest of their life with. True, soul mate love doesn't find everyone in this life.

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On 8/26/2017 at 1:57 AM, Ka9219 said:

Tomorrow -26- will be the third month since Mario died, and truth is I am feeling worst than ever

So far I don't know what is "normal" anymore, old and new bad feelings and memories are in my mind and I am not crying as I used to cry before, but the pain is reaching new level, is deeper and constant, the things I used to do to distract myself in the past 2 months are not working anymore, every minute of the day I am thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital, how sudden it was and how hard was for me to see him in that way.

I've been dreaming with him, but not as "visitations", those dreams are almost nightmares, In my dreams I am angry with him or I am again visiting him in the hospital. I am sleeping almost 12 hours daily and when I woke up is a new day of bad thoughts, and sadness. I am tired all the time and people who used to said they were my friends are not here for me, they don't answer my messages, and if I want to talk about Mario they avoid the topic, I understand that for them 3 months is a lot of time. But for me are only 3 months. Time is not the same it was before he passed away, it goes fast and slow at the same time.

I am trying so hard to feel better, I try to put my mind in other places but the pain is constant is always there and I can't feel better. I wish I could die and reunited with him whatever is after we die.

I know exactly how you feel. It's been four months for me, and I'm not any better. If anything, the initial shock and denial are slowly fading away and turning into bitter, harsh realisation. I recently spoke to a friend who has also lost her partner 7 years ago. She said that the first year is horrible, because each day is filled with ''last year, on this day we did this''. I don't know if you get that, but it's spot on what I feel like. It sucks. It rips me apart. I lost my partner to sickness so I too dream of him in the hospital, but they're always dreams of hope, like he's sick but they've come up with a way to fix him, or he's taking a new treatment and it's working. Waking up is like a kick in the stomach, because the hope dissolves and I remember again that he is gone.

Three months is nothing. NOTHING. It's definitely a long time in the sense that it's been three months since you haven't been with your loved one -which does feel like an eternity-, but it's way, way too short to feel better. The only change that I have noticed is that I have regained my capacity to pretend I'm well so that I don't worry the people around me. They can't understand anyway, nobody can if they haven't experienced such loss, so I prefer to just spare them the conversation. I don't find a point in having them close anyway, we're so not on the same wavelength anymore that it seems pointless to me. It sounds ungrateful because I do have people close to me who care and offer to help, but I don't want them to. It doesn't make any sense. It's like I'm in a room full of people, but the room is empty to me because one specific person isn't there. Then again, it depends on your way of coping. Since you've reached out to them, you obviously need your friends close; I'm more of a loner, since losing my love more than ever. I don't know how I'd feel if I really had nobody though... 

I think it's very cowardly of your friends to have disappeared like that. Sure, it's not easy for young people to deal with someone grieving, but they need to understand that they're not the ones with the biggest problem here. If they really are your friends and you reach out to them, even if they feel uncomfortable, they need to just suck it up and be there for you. Hopefully you're not completely alone; maybe family, or other friends who could stand by you? At least we have this forum, it's been of great use to me so far.

The only positive thing in my everyday life is that ever since I lost him, I've had chest pains practically every day, sometimes on the left, sometimes on the right side. It gives me a morbid satisfaction to hope that my heart may have literally broken from all that and that it will soon stop beating.

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On 8/31/2017 at 7:04 AM, LoveGoli said:

When we cuddled , he don't say anything but yes I mostly said that "I love you so much, I want to spend my whole life like this and I can't survive without you then he told me , I am not gonna leave you don't worry, I am gonna live at-least 70-80 years old and it makes me so happy because I always thought that I am the one who leave this earth first and this gives me so much happiness. "

 

But now I am surviving without him, I want to cry so loud .

 

Once, my partner had told me ''I want to make love with you until I'm 90''. Just like you said, without any particular reason, that had sounded like a guarantee he'd stay with me. A few days after he died, I went to see him one last time at the morgue before his cremation. I was completely devastated and even mad at him, because I kept thinking ''I never left you alone, not even for a second, now why are you leaving me??''

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Lost my boyfreind

Hi all I lost my boyfreind nearly 4 months ago. Age 42 Suddenly from cardiomyopathy we didn't know he even had it. I was one who found him and my life without him is so hard I have children n g.kids that keep me going, but my life feels at a stand still while every body else seems to be moving on. I know n except life goes on around me but I feel in a time zone that's just stood in one time I was with him a lot years n he was all I needed n now I feel I've lost my reason for living in new here and trying to find help or advice from people in same situation or have lost loved one there ways of coping n healing I'm not wanting to pry in to private life's just any friendly advice be gratefully appreciated thankyou for reading my post 

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2 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

I know exactly how you feel. It's been four months for me, and I'm not any better. If anything, the initial shock and denial are slowly fading away and turning into bitter, harsh realisation. I recently spoke to a friend who has also lost her partner 7 years ago. She said that the first year is horrible, because each day is filled with ''last year, on this day we did this''. I don't know if you get that, but it's spot on what I feel like. It sucks. It rips me apart. I lost my partner to sickness so I too dream of him in the hospital, but they're always dreams of hope, like he's sick but they've come up with a way to fix him, or he's taking a new treatment and it's working. Waking up is like a kick in the stomach, because the hope dissolves and I remember again that he is gone.

Three months is nothing. NOTHING. It's definitely a long time in the sense that it's been three months since you haven't been with your loved one -which does feel like an eternity-, but it's way, way too short to feel better. The only change that I have noticed is that I have regained my capacity to pretend I'm well so that I don't worry the people around me. They can't understand anyway, nobody can if they haven't experienced such loss, so I prefer to just spare them the conversation. I don't find a point in having them close anyway, we're so not on the same wavelength anymore that it seems pointless to me. It sounds ungrateful because I do have people close to me who care and offer to help, but I don't want them to. It doesn't make any sense. It's like I'm in a room full of people, but the room is empty to me because one specific person isn't there. Then again, it depends on your way of coping. Since you've reached out to them, you obviously need your friends close; I'm more of a loner, since losing my love more than ever. I don't know how I'd feel if I really had nobody though... 

I think it's very cowardly of your friends to have disappeared like that. Sure, it's not easy for young people to deal with someone grieving, but they need to understand that they're not the ones with the biggest problem here. If they really are your friends and you reach out to them, even if they feel uncomfortable, they need to just suck it up and be there for you. Hopefully you're not completely alone; maybe family, or other friends who could stand by you? At least we have this forum, it's been of great use to me so far.

The only positive thing in my everyday life is that ever since I lost him, I've had chest pains practically every day, sometimes on the left, sometimes on the right side. It gives me a morbid satisfaction to hope that my heart may have literally broken from all that and that it will soon stop beating.

Firstwaslast, your words touched my heart deeply, you explained it better that I could ever do it. I think the pain is now changing, is deeper, most constant is settling in a bitter way inside me, now I can't see the things as I used to see it, because the "color" turns out gray, I don't now If I am expressing me clear enough, without him the world seems so worthless, smiling and laughing are only circumstantial events, but happiness is a luxury that was taken away from me since he died. I don't want to be dramatic or overreact, but the wight of reality drys out all my energy and strength. I also "dream" about he would be there in the hospital recovering, doing well, waiting for the moment I could get him home and take care of him until he is fully recovered, but it is only silly dreams, wishes that vanish as the reality hits me.

As you said, time is "different" because we have been here only 3 -4 for you- months without them, it is a really short period of time, we can not pretend the pain will lesser in only months, but every single day goes slowly and bleak without them. I am tired to pretend, I am not interested in talking, having a good time, sharing with people, I just want to do what is necessary and then go back to sleep. I rather be alone as well, and the problem is that I expected too much from certain people, at this point I don't care anymore about them. I have my family and they have been supportive with me.

I understand you, I'd like to die as well, I wont hurt myself but I also think about the possibilities of dying and get reunited with him. Thank you for your words, it is nice to know we are not alone in this.

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2 hours ago, Lost my boyfreind said:

Hi all I lost my boyfreind nearly 4 months ago. Age 42 Suddenly from cardiomyopathy we didn't know he even had it. I was one who found him and my life without him is so hard I have children n g.kids that keep me going, but my life feels at a stand still while every body else seems to be moving on. I know n except life goes on around me but I feel in a time zone that's just stood in one time I was with him a lot years n he was all I needed n now I feel I've lost my reason for living in new here and trying to find help or advice from people in same situation or have lost loved one there ways of coping n healing I'm not wanting to pry in to private life's just any friendly advice be gratefully appreciated thankyou for reading my post 

I am so sorry for your loss. Heart disease is a silent killer that is the number one killer of both men and women in the USA. My wife died of a heart attack on 04/01/17 at the age of 46. I am glad you found us here but am sad that you had a reason to find us. You will find great advice here from people that will be honest and will speak with no pre conceived notions and no judgement. I wish I could say that we have all the answers but we don't. This journey is hard but we will be here to walk it with you. I am sure you have felt the range of emotions. Despair, regret, confusion, sadness, 2nd guessing, anger, longing. You may get them one at a time or several at once. I have found that it is best to just ride the grief waves when they come. If I try to avoid them they find me anyway. And remember that these emotions you feel are completely normal and expected. Another thing to keep in mind is that it is ok to feel positive emotions too. It's ok to smile or laugh. We deal with enough bad emotions so if you have a good memory of your soulmate don't feel bad about it just accept it and ride it out like you would the bad ones. It's also important to accept help from your family and friends if they offer. Decision making is hard enough so I let my friends help when they offer. One more thing to remember is that people who have not been through this may say things that seem to be rude or insensitive("he is in a better place", "he would want you to be happy", "you need to get out and keep living"). Keep in mind that most of the time they say these things from a place of love but they just don't know what to say around us. I wish you peace and comfort as you walk this road.

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5 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

I kept thinking ''I never left you alone, not even for a second, now why are you leaving me??''

This made me cry, I think the same and sometime got angry on him. I know he did not want to leave me and care for me but still I shout on him sometime, because I don't have anyone to whom I can show my anger or this depression.

Everyone happy around me, when I come to office everyone wish "Good Morning" to me and I thought what is so good in this morning but I have to reply them back, no matter If I don't want to say good morning at all.

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14 hours ago, Lost my boyfreind said:

advice from people in same situation or have lost loved one there ways of coping n healing

This is what I've learned in the twelve years since I lost my soulmate, my husband, my best friend.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

This made me cry, I think the same and sometime got angry on him. I know he did not want to leave me and care for me but still I shout on him sometime, because I don't have anyone to whom I can show my anger or this depression.

Everyone happy around me, when I come to office everyone wish "Good Morning" to me and I thought what is so good in this morning but I have to reply them back, no matter If I don't want to say good morning at all.

Anger is supposed to be a normal stage of grief -or so they say-, but it's not always clear to me who I'm angry at. My partner was so sick that living had become a torture for him, which is why I was actually relieved during the first hours of his death. I'd say I'm more angry at the sickness rather than death. I hate cancer with everything bit of my soul, if it were a person, I'd want to kill it violently with my bare hands. Then again, anger leaves and it's just despair, because I feel so powerless...

I have trouble too expressing the full range of my emotions to others because it can either leave them scared or confused. Like I said in another post, they can't understand, so there's no point in me repeating myself every single day, expressing the same fears, doubts, pain over and over again. It would be unfair of me to expect other to put up with all that, that's why I prefer reclusion. 

I just spent one of the worst summers in my life. Except for the obvious reason -the grief-, I come from a country where summer is considered the peak of the year, the moment everyone is waiting for and the opportunity to have a blast and be happy. It's so intense, like you HAVE to be happy otherwise you're missing out on the summer experience. Even the bright sunlight and warm weather every morning annoyed me. I avoided going out as much as possible, but when I did, it was so hurtful to see other people being carefree, relaxed and joyful while I was feeling so cold inside, wondering if I'd ever be like them again. I have a feeling I wont.

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43 minutes ago, FirstWasLast said:

Even the bright sunlight and warm weather every morning annoyed me

I feel the same way. Doesn't the stupid weather know that my wife is gone? What reason is there for the sun to shine? I just want it to rain every day

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I feel the same way. Doesn't the stupid weather know that my wife is gone? What reason is there for the sun to shine? I just want it to rain every day

I've always loved rain but indeed, now more than ever. The worst was seeing people around me, actually observing me. The look in their eyes was clear. Sure they had problems, everybody does. But their soul was still clear and light, and it hurt so much to see that, knowing mine is no longer like that.

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TooDevastated
5 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I feel the same way. Doesn't the stupid weather know that my wife is gone? What reason is there for the sun to shine? I just want it to rain every day

The only bloody nice thing about UK now! I never knew I'd be happy for our constant rains.

I started feeling like I might even be happy if some sort of apocalypse started so everyone would know how surreal life feels like now. 

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11 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I started feeling like I might even be happy if some sort of apocalypse started so everyone would know how surreal life feels like now. 

With all the hurricanes going on right now and the general decadence of mankind, I saw an article yesterday saying that the world will supposedly end in October 2017 because a meteor will hit earth or something. The title was ''Will the world end in October?''. My only thought was ''Let's hope so.''

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I was watching the news coverage of all the hurricanes in the states last night and wishing I was closer to the area. How great would it be to get sucked away?

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I was watching the news coverage of all the hurricanes in the states last night and wishing I was closer to the area. How great would it be to get sucked away?

I know, and I feel like such a horrible person for thinking that way since there are people who are actually dying and losing everything they have. Further proof that if life were remotely fair, catastrophic things would happen to people who actually want to die and other would be spared.

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