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Third month


Ka9219

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Tomorrow -26- will be the third month since Mario died, and truth is I am feeling worst than ever

So far I don't know what is "normal" anymore, old and new bad feelings and memories are in my mind and I am not crying as I used to cry before, but the pain is reaching new level, is deeper and constant, the things I used to do to distract myself in the past 2 months are not working anymore, every minute of the day I am thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital, how sudden it was and how hard was for me to see him in that way.

I've been dreaming with him, but not as "visitations", those dreams are almost nightmares, In my dreams I am angry with him or I am again visiting him in the hospital. I am sleeping almost 12 hours daily and when I woke up is a new day of bad thoughts, and sadness. I am tired all the time and people who used to said they were my friends are not here for me, they don't answer my messages, and if I want to talk about Mario they avoid the topic, I understand that for them 3 months is a lot of time. But for me are only 3 months. Time is not the same it was before he passed away, it goes fast and slow at the same time.

I am trying so hard to feel better, I try to put my mind in other places but the pain is constant is always there and I can't feel better. I wish I could die and reunited with him whatever is after we die.

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Time is not the same since our loved one is gone, I know that. On the 21st of August, it was two months since Al died. In many ways it seems like just a few days. I just don't know. 

I too feel worse in many ways. Like almost all of us here, I'm sure, I've had to spend a lot of time dealing with paperwork, household/vehicle problems, whatevers and I often feel I haven't had enough time to just grieve. But it sure comes back and hits me, and when it does, it hits so hard. Today I turned the TV to check on the hurricane and I realized the TV hadn't been on since Allen died, so it was on the baseball/sports station from when he had last watched. Of course I cried about that too! but still I thought about how much he enjoyed baseball and in that sad kind of way it made me smile a little to myself. 

I'm thinking of you and praying you can find a little peace. And I'm sure you will. I hope your friends come to realize how much they mean to you, and how important it is for you to talk about Mario. I know how that goes, a lot of people I know also don't seem to realize that 2-3 months is NOT long at all after someone passes away. For most people it takes a very long time to really get back to some kind of life, I can see that all too clearly now. 

I'm betting Mario would like to see you smile when you think of him, yes? I say that even though I know how you must be feeling - not many smiles from me these days either. Sending prayers your way, and a little smile too. 

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Me too. I sometimes feel worst than ever. I don't cry much now, but it feels like there's something inside my chest, and it becomes heavier day by day. 

The first few days after my boyfriend died, there were so many people checking on me and saying they were here for me. But after 2 months, there's no one asking me if im ok. And his friends disappeared. Most people don't understand how it feels. They tend to avoid sad things and things that they don't know how to react to. I'm lucky that I still got some close friends who are fine with me talking about him, even though they don't know what to say to comfort me, they just listen. I hope you can find someone who is fine with you talking about Mario. I hope your friends understand that it is important for you to talk about him.

2 months is not long. I remember every single moment of the day I lost him. The time I spent with him was just one year and my mom said to me "it's already 2 months." It may be a lot compared to the time we were together, but it's short compared to the time that we were supposed to spend together. Time is not the same, everything is not the same after our loved one passed away. I'm sure everyone here feels the same. 

It takes time. It's a long journey. I hope we can find peace someday.

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5 hours ago, Judy S. said:

Time is not the same since our loved one is gone, I know that. On the 21st of August, it was two months since Al died. In many ways it seems like just a few days. I just don't know. 

I too feel worse in many ways. Like almost all of us here, I'm sure, I've had to spend a lot of time dealing with paperwork, household/vehicle problems, whatevers and I often feel I haven't had enough time to just grieve. But it sure comes back and hits me, and when it does, it hits so hard. Today I turned the TV to check on the hurricane and I realized the TV hadn't been on since Allen died, so it was on the baseball/sports station from when he had last watched. Of course I cried about that too! but still I thought about how much he enjoyed baseball and in that sad kind of way it made me smile a little to myself. 

I'm thinking of you and praying you can find a little peace. And I'm sure you will. I hope your friends come to realize how much they mean to you, and how important it is for you to talk about Mario. I know how that goes, a lot of people I know also don't seem to realize that 2-3 months is NOT long at all after someone passes away. For most people it takes a very long time to really get back to some kind of life, I can see that all too clearly now. 

I'm betting Mario would like to see you smile when you think of him, yes? I say that even though I know how you must be feeling - not many smiles from me these days either. Sending prayers your way, and a little smile too. 

Yes, I still think that time is different for us, three months without his touch, his voice, his hugs, has been almost an eternity, but also I felt like I was crying over his dead body yesterday. 

The first days we are shocked and sometimes we don't have enough time or our mind is not clear enough to understand how "big" this is in our lives, grieving is a process and as a process we must go through multiple stages and all of them are harder in its own way. I understand that  kind of memories, are "bittersweet" memories because is painful to know they are not here anymore but also heart warning recalling what they used to enjoyed.

I really appreciate your nice words and good thoughts towards me, indeed we haven't laugh much lately, but I know Mario understand my feelings, and Allen understand your feelings. Is not easy, people say someday this will "better" somehow, that is what I hope

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1 hour ago, KylieL said:

Me too. I sometimes feel worst than ever. I don't cry much now, but it feels like there's something inside my chest, and it becomes heavier day by day. 

The first few days after my boyfriend died, there were so many people checking on me and saying they were here for me. But after 2 months, there's no one asking me if im ok. And his friends disappeared. Most people don't understand how it feels. They tend to avoid sad things and things that they don't know how to react to. I'm lucky that I still got some close friends who are fine with me talking about him, even though they don't know what to say to comfort me, they just listen. I hope you can find someone who is fine with you talking about Mario. I hope your friends understand that it is important for you to talk about him.

2 months is not long. I remember every single moment of the day I lost him. The time I spent with him was just one year and my mom said to me "it's already 2 months." It may be a lot compared to the time we were together, but it's short compared to the time that we were supposed to spend together. Time is not the same, everything is not the same after our loved one passed away. I'm sure everyone here feels the same. 

It takes time. It's a long journey. I hope we can find peace someday.

Hi KylieL

I totally understand you, is not as the beginning, I used to spent 2, 3 and 4 hours crying, now I only sob but is because the pain is overwhelming, as you describe it, is a weight that goes heavier day by day, making difficult every moment of the day.

Same as you a lot of people came closer to me when my boyfriend passed away, telling me that they will be here, and I can understand sometimes the topic of "death" is hard to handle, and hard to talk about, luckily, my two sisters are always supporting me and always willing to hear what I have to say, also I am going the psychologist and I can talk about Mario with her, but is hard to say how people "vanish".

My relationship wasn't long either, we met on July 23th, 2016 and by May, 26th, 2017 he was dead. It all happen within a year, but I felt like I knew him from long time ago and we love each other deeply, we both have our lives, and we were planing to move together because we love, accept, and respect each other, I love every single detail about him and he loved me in the same way. We were there to support each other and we were talking about getting married. I think is not about time, is about how strong is the connection.

Now that you mention it, my mum, by the second month started to tell me sometime alike, she used to say: "Mario is dead and we need to keep going", obviously it brook my heart because I needed her, I still need her support, after a few days, my sisters talk to her and make her understand that I was doing the best I can -even if it doesn't seems-. Since that day she has been very supportive.

I love the way you said  "It may be a lot compared to the time we were together, but it's short compared to the time that we were supposed to spend together." I totally agree with you, I am 25 years old and and he was only 26, we have so much ahead.

I think is not a "long" journey, is "our" journey until the day we died.

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12 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Time is not the same it was before he passed away, it goes fast and slow at the same time.

That is for sure for all of us, especially in those early days/months.  It can seem like forever ago and just yesterday at the same time.

You're having haunting memories of the time around his death and just before, it's hard to deal with.  I don't know if you've seen a professional counselor or not, it could help.  Also consider trying EFT.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html 

 

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20 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Tomorrow -26- will be the third month since Mario died, and truth is I am feeling worst than ever

So far I don't know what is "normal" anymore, old and new bad feelings and memories are in my mind and I am not crying as I used to cry before, but the pain is reaching new level, is deeper and constant, the things I used to do to distract myself in the past 2 months are not working anymore, every minute of the day I am thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital, how sudden it was and how hard was for me to see him in that way.

I've been dreaming with him, but not as "visitations", those dreams are almost nightmares, In my dreams I am angry with him or I am again visiting him in the hospital. I am sleeping almost 12 hours daily and when I woke up is a new day of bad thoughts, and sadness. I am tired all the time and people who used to said they were my friends are not here for me, they don't answer my messages, and if I want to talk about Mario they avoid the topic, I understand that for them 3 months is a lot of time. But for me are only 3 months. Time is not the same it was before he passed away, it goes fast and slow at the same time.

I am trying so hard to feel better, I try to put my mind in other places but the pain is constant is always there and I can't feel better. I wish I could die and reunited with him whatever is after we die.

I am so sorry to hear your post and know the pain you are experiencing.   I'm constantly thinking about my Charles more and more and even though I know his spirit is alive, I long to touch him, kiss him, or just talk to him.  Sometimes I get so sad; so sad that I completely shut down and stare at a wall, the tv or just in space and it doesn't matter what anyone says to me, because in that moment, I simply don't exist.   When that happens, I pray, pray and pray some more asking God for HIS peace and blessing. And then I remember my Charles, and that I still am blessed to carry something of how he was with me; that he left his mark of who he was on me.  It means that I can summon him back to my mind whenever I want and need to. It means that when we meet again (and we will) he will know me.  I means that even though he's gone, I can still see his face, hear his voice and speak to him in my heart.  And as long as I remember him, he is never lost; for  as long as I exist, he exist.    

As far as friends or *so-called* friends are concerned, I'm never shocked when they let me down nowadays; I just hate the fact that I put myself in a position to be let down in the first place.  Strangers can become best friends just as easy as best friends can become strangers.

I'm there with you; it is beyond hard trying to feel better and as hard as it seems, try to live your life to its fullest - I know Mario would have wanted you to.  I was there, and if I'm honest, still want to  be with my Charles - no matter where he is, I want to be right at his side.  But his task on this earth was completed; mine isn't. He got a chance to make his transition first and knowing he is no longer in any pain or harm makes me happy; although his eyes have died, he sees more than I ever will.   I got the opportunity to share a small part of my life with him, just a sneak preview of what's in stored; only this time, it will be forever. So live the rest of your life on this earth; complete the task God put you here to do and when your task is completed, God will take you home where Mario will be waiting.

My prayer is that God gives you enough sun to keep your attitude bright; enough rain to appreciate the sun more; enough happiness to keep your spirit alive; and enough pain that the smallest joy in your life appear much bigger.   Know I'm sending hugs your way and prayers to brighten your day.

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2 hours ago, Francine said:

, and if I'm honest, still want to  be with my Charles - no matter where he is, I want to be right at his side.  But his task on this earth was completed; mine isn't.

I'm right there with you Francine.  Somehow, someway, by the grace of God, we will survive this hard, long road, to our ultimate destination!

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3 minutes ago, KMB said:

to our ultimate destination!

Ditto that, and you know what they say, the most difficult roads often lead to the most beautiful destinations.

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On ‎8‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 7:57 PM, Ka9219 said:

Tomorrow -26- will be the third month since Mario died, and truth is I am feeling worst than ever

So far I don't know what is "normal" anymore, old and new bad feelings and memories are in my mind and I am not crIying as I used to cry before, but the pain is reaching new level, is deeper and constant, the things I used to do to distract myself in the past 2 months are not working anymore, every minute of the day I am thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital, how sudden it was and how hard was for me to see him in that way.

 

Dear Ka9219........I am at 14 weeks since the death of my husband.  I feel as you.  I am not crying as much, but still crying daily and anything and everything seem to trigger the upsurge.  I thought things where getting better, but then on some levels things aren't.  Things that used to distract me and make me feel better seem to no longer be working as with you.  And at the same time, trying to adjust to a new life without Frank is at a stand still.  I am stuck.  I can't seem to move forward.   I feel like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway,  just a drift at sea without a sense of direction.  People think I am ok because on occasion I can break a smile.  But, they don't go home to an empty house that is so quiet I can hear a pin drop.  They aren't sitting on their sofa sobbing. 

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4 hours ago, Francine said:

So live the rest of your life on this earth; complete the task God put you here to do and when your task is completed, God will take you home where Mario will be waiting.

My prayer is that God gives you enough sun to keep your attitude bright; enough rain to appreciate the sun more; enough happiness to keep your spirit alive; and enough pain that the smallest joy in your life appear much bigger.   Know I'm sending hugs your way and prayers to brighten your day.

Francine.....you just brightened up my crummy day that was full of sadness and tears.  You have simply but correctly stated what my attitude and task need to be.  Thank you making me feel better.   Andrew 

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On the 27th it will be three months for me . I still cry everyday and miss everything about him. The friends who I thought would be there are not. I am lonely with out him, he was my best friend. There are days when I think I can do this but today I feel like I can't do it anymore. I just want to be with him. I just can't even begin to imagine a life without him. I just want him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I try and keep busy but he is always in my thoughts . Every morning when I wake up reality slaps me in the face. I wish there was something to take this pain away for all of us here. My heart goes out to each of you. 

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9 hours ago, Francine said:

It means that I can summon him back to my mind whenever I want and need to. It means that when we meet again (and we will) he will know me.  I means that even though he's gone, I can still see his face, hear his voice and speak to him in my heart.  And as long as I remember him, he is never lost; for  as long as I exist, he exist.    

As far as friends or *so-called* friends are concerned, I'm never shocked when they let me down nowadays; I just hate the fact that I put myself in a position to be let down in the first place.  Strangers can become best friends just as easy as best friends can become strangers.

Francine I appreciate your kind words, sadly I am not a stronger believer so for me is hard to find consolation on prayers, but I like what you said that we can "summon" our love in our hearts when we need to. And I think you are totally right, we are the responsible for take care of ourselves, is not correct to "expose us" in order to be hurt or disappointed.

You words are always filled with kindness and is good to know that out there, somewhere, someone understands and had been through the same I am going through now. Thank you

.

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18 hours ago, KayC said:

That is for sure for all of us, especially in those early days/months.  It can seem like forever ago and just yesterday at the same time.

You're having haunting memories of the time around his death and just before, it's hard to deal with.  I don't know if you've seen a professional counselor or not, it could help.  Also consider trying EFT.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html 

 

Hi KayC, yes I am seeing a psychologist, but my mind is trying to hurt myself and sometimes is so hard to fight back the bad memories.

Might I ask what is EFT? And I'll check those links, thank you :)  

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5 hours ago, Andrew 521 said:

Dear Ka9219........I am at 14 weeks since the death of my husband.  I feel as you.  I am not crying as much, but still crying daily and anything and everything seem to trigger the upsurge.  I thought things where getting better, but then on some levels things aren't.  Things that used to distract me and make me feel better seem to no longer be working as with you.  And at the same time, trying to adjust to a new life without Frank is at a stand still.  I am stuck.  I can't seem to move forward.   I feel like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway,  just a drift at sea without a sense of direction.  People think I am ok because on occasion I can break a smile.  But, they don't go home to an empty house that is so quiet I can hear a pin drop.  They aren't sitting on their sofa sobbing. 

Andrew I totally understand what you are saying, people constantly says they think I am better, truth is inside me, I am dying, of course I can get up, take a shower, and smile, but inside me the pain is restless, is there, day by day, growing and escalating to new stages of pain and sorrow. Happiness and sadness are coexisting in our lives. 

I am sorry about your husband, sometimes it seems so unfair and we tried to fight back the sadness but is overwhelming. I also felt like I am in the middle in the sea, to tired to swim, with no clear sight of land, and desperation hits me hard, I feel there is no "safe place" to go.

Only in our heart we know what we are feeling is there daily, constant, hurting.  

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5 hours ago, Dian said:

On the 27th it will be three months for me . I still cry everyday and miss everything about him. The friends who I thought would be there are not. I am lonely with out him, he was my best friend. There are days when I think I can do this but today I feel like I can't do it anymore. I just want to be with him. I just can't even begin to imagine a life without him. I just want him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I try and keep busy but he is always in my thoughts . Every morning when I wake up reality slaps me in the face. I wish there was something to take this pain away for all of us here. My heart goes out to each of you. 

What a sad coincidence that our love one passed away just with one day of difference. Mario was my bestfriend as well, he was my support, my happiness, my partner in crime, we used to share our thoughts and dreams, we loved to spent time together and we used to share hobbies. I only needed him next to me to know everything was fine, he was always smiling, kissing me as much as we could, holding me and talking to me. I miss him because now my days goes "empty", my bestfriend is not longer there to talk about any crazy stuff in my mind, no messages, no calls, no hugs, no kisses. Reality not only slaps me in the face at morning, but constantly, with a memory, with a thought. 

I also wish none of us have to be going through this.

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8 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I like what you said that we can "summon" our love in our hearts when we need to.

I like that too and I've done it as needed...

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8 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

what is EFT?

If you read the links it explains it fully.

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On 8/26/2017 at 2:57 AM, Ka9219 said:

Tomorrow -26- will be the third month since Mario died, and truth is I am feeling worst than ever

So far I don't know what is "normal" anymore, old and new bad feelings and memories are in my mind and I am not crying as I used to cry before, but the pain is reaching new level, is deeper and constant, the things I used to do to distract myself in the past 2 months are not working anymore, every minute of the day I am thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital, how sudden it was and how hard was for me to see him in that way.

I've been dreaming with him, but not as "visitations", those dreams are almost nightmares, In my dreams I am angry with him or I am again visiting him in the hospital. I am sleeping almost 12 hours daily and when I woke up is a new day of bad thoughts, and sadness. I am tired all the time and people who used to said they were my friends are not here for me, they don't answer my messages, and if I want to talk about Mario they avoid the topic, I understand that for them 3 months is a lot of time. But for me are only 3 months. Time is not the same it was before he passed away, it goes fast and slow at the same time.

I am trying so hard to feel better, I try to put my mind in other places but the pain is constant is always there and I can't feel better. I wish I could die and reunited with him whatever is after we die.

I too feel the same way. Feels like a large part of me is gone forever. There is not a moment i dont feel empty although i try to keep myself occupied with many things but its still the same. I feel like his presence never leaves me. Especially after spending 7 yrs with someone and now they are not here anymore. I sometimes feel like these things are not even real, iam in such state of denial. I think its more than what you call tough for us to keep on moving. I just dont know what else and how to say but we all are in the same situations. God help us. 

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32 minutes ago, Sb123 said:

I sometimes feel like these things are not even real, iam in such state of denial. I think its more than what you call tough for us to keep on moving.

I know what you mean. It has been a year for me and I wonder if the denial ever fully goes away. I still expect my husband to walk in the door. I go out to the garage and expect to see him tinkering with a project. When the phone rings, I expect it to be him, asking me to come and pick him up because the truck had to go into the shop again. Our mere existence was totally entwined with each other. I really don't know how I have been getting through each day, but, somehow, I have been and not because I want to. My body keeps breathing and I wonder the "whys" of it.

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12 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

What a sad coincidence that our love one passed away just with one day of difference. Mario was my bestfriend as well, he was my support, my happiness, my partner in crime, we used to share our thoughts and dreams, we loved to spent time together and we used to share hobbies. I only needed him next to me to know everything was fine, he was always smiling, kissing me as much as we could, holding me and talking to me. I miss him because now my days goes "empty", my bestfriend is not longer there to talk about any crazy stuff in my mind, no messages, no calls, no hugs, no kisses. Reality not only slaps me in the face at morning, but constantly, with a memory, with a thought. 

I also wish none of us have to be going through this.

People say three months is not a long time, if feels like an eternity to me. I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. I am empty inside.

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1 hour ago, Dian said:

People say three months is not a long time, if feels like an eternity to me.

Time is a double edged sword for us. It can be our friend or our enemy and both in the same moments. For me, I feel it is my enemy.The thoughts and feelings of this grieving is enough to drive a person crazy!

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7 hours ago, Sb123 said:

I too feel the same way. Feels like a large part of me is gone forever. There is not a moment i dont feel empty although i try to keep myself occupied with many things but its still the same. I feel like his presence never leaves me. Especially after spending 7 yrs with someone and now they are not here anymore. I sometimes feel like these things are not even real, iam in such state of denial. I think its more than what you call tough for us to keep on moving. I just dont know what else and how to say but we all are in the same situations. God help us. 

My sense of reality is quite lost, sometimes I don't know if "this" is real, or if my relationship was real, sometimes I feel he is at work and at any time I will get a message from him, the pain is constantly taking me out of reality and I feel frustrated and stress because I feel I am not processing his dead in a right way. Maybe, as you I can accept that he is gone, and I couldn't do nothing to help him. I feel I am becoming crazy, and I still hope I can see him walking through the door, smiling at me and telling me: It was just a nightmare, don't worry I am here.

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7 hours ago, KMB said:

I know what you mean. It has been a year for me and I wonder if the denial ever fully goes away. I still expect my husband to walk in the door. I go out to the garage and expect to see him tinkering with a project. When the phone rings, I expect it to be him, asking me to come and pick him up because the truck had to go into the shop again. Our mere existence was totally entwined with each other. I really don't know how I have been getting through each day, but, somehow, I have been and not because I want to. My body keeps breathing and I wonder the "whys" of it.

That is the exact way I am feeling, I just post it when I answered Sb123, I feel he is coming back at any time, I still hope to see a message from he in my cellphone, I still hope this is just a bad dream.

I am also wondering constantly, the question do not stop and is hard to know we will never have some answers. I think is inertia what keep us moving from one day to another.

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3 hours ago, Dian said:

People say three months is not a long time, if feels like an eternity to me. I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. I am empty inside.

 

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Time is a double edged sword for us. It can be our friend or our enemy and both in the same moments. For me, I feel it is my enemy.The thoughts and feelings of this grieving is enough to drive a person crazy!

When time goes by somehow it teach us to handle the pain, but it also put the pain in "highly levels", the pain is deeper and constant, and memories only opens the wound over and over again...

Dian, yes three months are an eternity without them, I wish I could stop the time.

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

I like that too and I've done it as needed...

 

8 hours ago, KayC said:

If you read the links it explains it fully.

Thank you KayC and yes, their essence is constantly needed

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AshleyDonahue

I know I don't know you personally, nor do I post very often, but just wanted to say that I actually think of you and your Mario quite often. His name and your posts have stuck with me and pop into my head at random times. Maybe it is because of the similar timing and circumstances of our losses, I'm not sure...

It will be three months for me on Sept 7, and I have been thinking a lot lately how these (almost) three months have felt longer than the preceding three decades of my life. It honestly feels like time has come to a screeching halt and passes so slowly now. It's scary to think how much time is most likely still laying ahead.

All that says, I am thinking of you <3

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2 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

My sense of reality is quite lost, sometimes I don't know if "this" is real, or if my relationship was real, sometimes I feel he is at work and at any time I will get a message from him, the pain is constantly taking me out of reality and I feel frustrated and stress because I feel I am not processing his dead in a right way. Maybe, as you I can accept that he is gone, and I couldn't do nothing to help him. I feel I am becoming crazy, and I still hope I can see him walking through the door, smiling at me and telling me: It was just a nightmare, don't worry I am here.

I can not describe my feelings more, like you did here, I also feel the same way that one day I will open my eyes and think that It was a bad bad dream and he would be sleeping besides me.

My husband always told me that don't worry I am not gonna leave you alone , I am with you forever, but now I am all alone. We just spent 3 years married life and now every morning is struggle to me to get off from my bed.

Sometime I just create situations in my mind that what could happen that night and he could survived, sometime situation like he is here with me and we are cuddling, loving each other but at the same time I know deeply inside that I am fooling myself and this truth is killing me.

Life can be so cruel I never know and I hate everything in this life.

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TooDevastated
On 26.08.2017 at 2:57 AM, Ka9219 said:

Tomorrow -26- will be the third month since Mario died, and truth is I am feeling worst than ever

So far I don't know what is "normal" anymore, old and new bad feelings and memories are in my mind and I am not crying as I used to cry before, but the pain is reaching new level, is deeper and constant, the things I used to do to distract myself in the past 2 months are not working anymore, every minute of the day I am thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital, how sudden it was and how hard was for me to see him in that way.

I've been dreaming with him, but not as "visitations", those dreams are almost nightmares, In my dreams I am angry with him or I am again visiting him in the hospital. I am sleeping almost 12 hours daily and when I woke up is a new day of bad thoughts, and sadness. I am tired all the time and people who used to said they were my friends are not here for me, they don't answer my messages, and if I want to talk about Mario they avoid the topic, I understand that for them 3 months is a lot of time. But for me are only 3 months. Time is not the same it was before he passed away, it goes fast and slow at the same time.

I am trying so hard to feel better, I try to put my mind in other places but the pain is constant is always there and I can't feel better. I wish I could die and reunited with him whatever is after we die.

Ka9219,

I'm so sorry for what we are going through. It hasnt even been two months since Bruce died and I keep crying for a few hours everyday. It has become a part of my day now...Maybe I will cry less in time like you.

It's still too hard for me to cope. I keep running into a cute gift he has given me, a card he has written, or I remember a joke we used to make to each other and I wish to be dead. I dont know how long I'll be able to keep going with a constant bump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I received his ashes and it sucks!

The body I kissed and held and cuddled and loved more than everything is nothing but ashes now. Life is SO unfair and full of disappointment...

I have always thought from your posts that you're coping with this better than I do and I hope I'm right. Hang in there X

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8 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

I know I don't know you personally, nor do I post very often, but just wanted to say that I actually think of you and your Mario quite often. His name and your posts have stuck with me and pop into my head at random times. Maybe it is because of the similar timing and circumstances of our losses, I'm not sure...

It will be three months for me on Sept 7, and I have been thinking a lot lately how these (almost) three months have felt longer than the preceding three decades of my life. It honestly feels like time has come to a screeching halt and passes so slowly now. It's scary to think how much time is most likely still laying ahead.

All that says, I am thinking of you <3

Ashley, I remember about your post and you. sometimes we can related with people and when I read your post it broke me because I though of all the pain you went through.

Long time before Mario passed away, I had a nightmare, all I can remember about the nightmare is that I was in a car accident and I remember to see myself all cover in blood, and turning my head to Mario he was severely injured, in my dream, I grab his face and told him that everything would be alright, that I love him, and I saw him died right there in front of me, I started crying and screaming and finally I woke up. I never tell anyone about this dream, because it felt so real, I felt the fear and the agony of looking at him in that way, I never told Mario about this dream because I didn't want it to become reality. 

Life is cruel and made my nightmare became true, the pain, the agony and the sadness are now real.

I really appreciate your words, and we both are so young, it seems our path is too long and too lonely. I am afraid of what is coming.

His name is particular isn't it? The funny thing is that when we were talking about having children, he wanted to name his first child "Mario", and truth is that I loved the idea, this dreams always be dreams.

I hope you can find strength and faith, the third month had been incredibly hard for me, if at any time you need to talk, please feel free to contact me.

Thank you for your words, and for having me and Mario in your thoughts. As you, your experience touched me deeply.

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6 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I can not describe my feelings more, like you did here, I also feel the same way that one day I will open my eyes and think that It was a bad bad dream and he would be sleeping besides me.

My husband always told me that don't worry I am not gonna leave you alone , I am with you forever, but now I am all alone. We just spent 3 years married life and now every morning is struggle to me to get off from my bed.

Sometime I just create situations in my mind that what could happen that night and he could survived, sometime situation like he is here with me and we are cuddling, loving each other but at the same time I know deeply inside that I am fooling myself and this truth is killing me.

Life can be so cruel I never know and I hate everything in this life.

I have think about a thousand scenarios where I could save Mario, me, or his brother, or his father, or anyone. I close my eyes and start thinking about of a million of possibilities, the one that happens, was the most horrible of all. I wish I could change things, but as you say the reality is that they are gone, and is the cruelest reality ever.

Mario also promised me several times that he will always be with me, taking care of me. I know he didn't mean to broke his promise.

Is strange how life could be the happiest thing and then, from one day to another, change to be the most lonely and cruel experience 

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1 minute ago, Ka9219 said:

I have think about a thousand scenarios where I could save Mario, me, or his brother, or his father, or anyone. I close my eyes and start thinking about of a million of possibilities, the one that happens, was the most horrible of all. I wish I could change things, but as you say the reality is that they are gone, and is the cruelest reality ever.

Mario also promised me several times that he will always be with me, taking care of me. I know he didn't mean to broke his promise.

Is strange how life could be the happiest thing and then, from one day to another, change to be the most lonely and cruel experience 

Yes agree life can change in one day or even in one second. When I was sending my Goli to ICU, he was so sure that he will be fine and told me that not to worry about him, go home and take rest, I will meet you at morning. I didn't know that he will meet me but not alive. I wish, I die that same day but may be I have my past life sins that is why I stayed here alone.

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Ka9219,

I'm so sorry for what we are going through. It hasnt even been two months since Bruce died and I keep crying for a few hours everyday. It has become a part of my day now...Maybe I will cry less in time like you.

It's still too hard for me to cope. I keep running into a cute gift he has given me, a card he has written, or I remember a joke we used to make to each other and I wish to be dead. I dont know how long I'll be able to keep going with a constant bump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I received his ashes and it sucks!

The body I kissed and held and cuddled and loved more than everything is nothing but ashes now. Life is SO unfair and full of disappointment...

I have always thought from your posts that you're coping with this better than I do and I hope I'm right. Hang in there X

I wont lie to you, I don't cry as much as I used to but I still cry almost daily, some days I only sob, other days I cried as much as the first day. But the pain is changing, is not as overwhelming as the beginning, is "reaching new levels", now is becoming part of me, settling into my heart, is more constant and is kind of more painful. The pain is becoming part of me and my body and mind are trying to get used to, maybe that is why I am not crying as much as before, but is there, hurting.

I made a mini "altar" in my room, is on my desktop, I have one photo of us, and a card his parents gave in memorial, also I had a crystal heart shaped he brought me from Mexico and a rock angel shaped and it says: "I will never leave you alone", also a pop figure of our favorite videogame. It helps right? It helps to have someone that they gave us with so much love?

When I saw the "box" or the "ash container" -pardon me, I don't know the correct translation- I was shocked, my big man is in there? Are you kidding me? A thousand of questions and anger burst inside my head, it wasn't Mario, he should be in another place, but there is no way he could fit in there. It took me a week to process it. When we spread his ashes on the sea I shocked one more time, is "that" Mario? It seems like white sand, I touched his ashes because I want to "touched him" one last time. I still can't stand the idea, that my big man, my sweet man, those arms and chest I felt when he hugged me, became only "white sand". I am still working on it, I am crying only to think about it.

I think you are better expressing yourself, I sleep almost all day, and when I woke up I ramble into my house until I feel hungry and eat whatever is on my way and then I wait for the night to cry and go back to sleep. I want to die, everyday.

Life is unfair and is cruel. A big hug for you

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2 minutes ago, Ka9219 said:

I wont lie to you, I don't cry as much as I used to but I still cry almost daily, some days I only sob, other days I cried as much as the first day. But the pain is changing, is not as overwhelming as the beginning, is "reaching new levels", now is becoming part of me, settling into my heart, is more constant and is kind of more painful. The pain is becoming part of me and my body and mind are trying to get used to, maybe that is why I am not crying as much as before, but is there, hurting.

I made a mini "altar" in my room, is on my desktop, I have one photo of us, and I card his parents gave in memorial, also I had a crystal heart shaped he brought me from Mexico and a rock angel shaped and it says: "I will never leave you alone", also a pop figure of our favorite videogame. It helps right? It helps to have someone that they gave us with so much love?

When I saw the "box" or the "ash container" -pardon me, I don't know the correct translation- I was shocked, my big man is in there? Are you kidding me? A thousand of questions and anger burst inside my head, it wasn't Mario, he should be in another place, but there is no way he could fit in there. It took me a week to process it. When we spread his ashes on the sea I shocked one more time, is "that" Mario? It seems like white sand, I touched his ashes because I want to "touched him" one last time. I still can't stand the idea, that my big man, my sweet man, those arms and chest I felt when he hugged me, became only "white sand". I am still working on it, I am crying only to think about it.

I think you are better expressing yourself, I sleep almost all day, and when I woke up I ramble into my house until I feel hungry and eat whatever is on my way and then I wait for the night to cry and go back to sleep. I want to die, everyday.

Life is unfair and is cruel. A big hug for you

Your post make me cry specially "I still can't stand the idea, that my big man, my sweet man, those arms and chest I felt when he hugged me, became only "white sand". " line.

You are 100% correct about life, when I was with my Goli, life was so fun for me, we had so many plans but now life is just a burden which we have to carry till the end. I wish death find me so soon, I parayed every night that I dont want to wake up morning, Goli please take me away with you.

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25 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Yes agree life can change in one day or even in one second. When I was sending my Goli to ICU, he was so sure that he will be fine and told me that not to worry about him, go home and take rest, I will meet you at morning. I didn't know that he will meet me but not alive. I wish, I die that same day but may be I have my past life sins that is why I stayed here alone.

Mario spent 5 days in the hospital, 1 in ER and 4 in ICU, the first day I sat down next to his mother and talked with her about how are we going to do when we came out of the hospital. I was telling her that Mario needed a new bed and maybe I was willing to taking to my house that it has no stairs. We both assume we will be ok, and after 4 days our entire world changed.

I also wish I could die, I will love to be reunited with him. I don't see ourselves as "sinners" we are humans and we commit mistakes, but I can't understand why he left and I am still here, living without him, it seems unfair.

4 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Your post make me cry specially "I still can't stand the idea, that my big man, my sweet man, those arms and chest I felt when he hugged me, became only "white sand". " line.

You are 100% correct about life, when I was with my Goli, life was so fun for me, we had so many plans but now life is just a burden which we have to carry till the end. I wish death find me so soon, I parayed every night that I dont want to wake up morning, Goli please take me away with you.

I am sorry I didn't mean to "remove" sad and painful feelings in your heart, is terrible and is shocking all the things that involves the death of our love one. We were never ready for this, and there is no way to "prepare" someone for this, is shocking and painful.

I understand you, they were our bestfriend, our soulmate, life was beautiful because they light it up! When I looked at him at the eyes I said inside my mind: "thank you, thank you because he is the best thing of my life". As you every night I ask Mario to take me with him. 

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One colleague in my office lost his mother this same month and came office today and I can see him talking with other peoples, laughing like he was used to but I am still in so much pain and cant talk to anyone this is the difference losing spouse and other family member. He has his wife in home , he has his support with whom he can share his feeling but for me no one exist and no one ever understand me like my Goli did.

 

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4 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I wish, I die that same day but may be I have my past life sins that is why I stayed here alone.

I don't believe their dying was because of anything we did or didn't do.  It's easier for me to accept that it's a random thing rather than something someone directed or a result of something.

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11 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

One colleague in my office lost his mother this same month and came office today and I can see him talking with other peoples, laughing like he was used to but I am still in so much pain and cant talk to anyone this is the difference losing spouse and other family member. He has his wife in home , he has his support with whom he can share his feeling but for me no one exist and no one ever understand me like my Goli did.

 

We all process death in different ways, and it also depends how close we were with the person who died, I can imagine the pain of losing my mother. My bestfriend in collage also lost his mother, three years ago and she is struggling, the day Mario died, she came to my home and hugged me, we both cried, I cried because of Mario and she because of her mother. Indeed losing our love one is hard, they were our partner in life, the one we choose and the one we trusted. 

I also share what KayC says, bad things happens, and it happens to good people.

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On 8/27/2017 at 5:19 PM, KMB said:

Time is a double edged sword for us. It can be our friend or our enemy and both in the same moments. For me, I feel it is my enemy.The thoughts and feelings of this grieving is enough to drive a person crazy!

I totally understand what you are saying. I am just existing not living. I'm so tired of this pure agony, hard to think it will ever get better. I don't know how much more I can take. 

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1 hour ago, Dian said:

I totally understand what you are saying. I am just existing not living. I'm so tired of this pure agony, hard to think it will ever get better. I don't know how much more I can take. 

Agree, I am also just existing but not living, life is just a burden now. I am feeling very low today, I don't know why but since morning I am continuously thinking about future. I know currently I have to stick on "One day at a time" but I can't stop my mind thinking about future. I am 29 only and may be live 20-30 year more then how would I survive without anyone, without love, without family.

 

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Agree, I am also just existing but not living, life is just a burden now. I am feeling very low today, I don't know why but since morning I am continuously thinking about future. I know currently I have to stick on "One day at a time" but I can't stop my mind thinking about future. I am 29 only and may be live 20-30 year more then how would I survive without anyone, without love, without family.

 

Before our soulmates died we were all living. We had plans for the future. Events to look forward to. We were making memories. Now I just exist. Most days are the same with just a different word and number on the calendar. It's like I'm in the movie Ben Hur where I am one of the many who are rowing the ship. Row, row, row. Same thing different day. Nothing to look forward to. No new memories with Lori. Just the same thing day after day after day. I guess I've just hit a rough patch after five months.

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12 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am 29 only and may be live 20-30 year more then how would I survive without anyone, without love, without family.

Whenever those thoughts hit me I stop them, put up my hand, remind myself to stay in today!  We can't worry about tomorrow, we have enough to concern ourselves with today!

I was 52 when George died, in my family we live to our 90s, I couldn't fathom 40 years without him, but this one day I can do.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  Little by little you begin to build your life to include new friends and activities, it takes time though.

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AshleyDonahue
On 8/28/2017 at 5:46 AM, Ka9219 said:

I made a mini "altar" in my room, is on my desktop, I have one photo of us, and a card his parents gave in memorial, also I had a crystal heart shaped he brought me from Mexico and a rock angel shaped and it says: "I will never leave you alone", also a pop figure of our favorite videogame. It helps right? It helps to have someone that they gave us with so much love?

That sounds beautiful, especially the crystal heart from Mexico. If it is okay to ask, what was the video game that you both liked? I think it is so important to remember and honor those little details. I enjoy video games too, although I'm not very good :)

I have a similar set up in my room, a framed picture of us with some of his ID cards (drivers license, high school ID from many years ago) around it - and its funny, also a figurine from a board game we played often (Monopoly). We had played a few days before the accident, and it was still left sitting on the kitchen table when I went back to our house weeks later. He had given me one of the game pieces as an "amnesty" token, so I wouldn't have to pay if I landed on one of his spaces. I immediately remembered and put it in my pocket that day I went to the house, and now I have it beside the photo and his ID cards on the desk in my room here at my parents' place. 

I also can empathize with the ashes. It is so hard to understand, I still to this day, really can't wrap my mind around it. David was so big and sturdy, a booming presence, so I can't fathom his body still not being somewhere here on earth, intact and perfect. I was not able to see him before the cremation, as I was still in the hospital, so maybe that is partly to blame. They clipped off some locks of his hair and put them in small bags, one for me and his mom and his sisters. I have it in my jewelry box, but it is too hard to look at most days. 

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AshleyDonahue
12 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Most days are the same with just a different word and number on the calendar. 

Sadly, this is the perfect way to put it. My dad will often ask me "what is new today?"... and I think... nothing. Nothing is new anymore. There are no new memories with David, no plans in the works, not even the everyday stresses of life "before"... which now I would do anything to have back again. To worry about things like booking flights, pleasing my boss, what to make for dinner when friends were coming over... man, those were the days. Now I simply get up, shower, muddle through, and then the day ends. It feels like time has come to a screeching halt and the only things that change, as you put, are the words and numbers on the calendar. I feel like I will always been trapped in June 2017 and everything since is just a farce. 

 

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Whenever those thoughts hit me I stop them, put up my hand, remind myself to stay in today!  We can't worry about tomorrow, we have enough to concern ourselves with today!

I was 52 when George died, in my family we live to our 90s, I couldn't fathom 40 years without him, but this one day I can do.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  Little by little you begin to build your life to include new friends and activities, it takes time though.

Your words, as always, are so helpful and true. In spite of my last comment, or maybe in keeping with it, now it's always about just getting through one day at a time. It's too hard to look beyond the next day (or hour), so I feel like it's a victory to just put one foot in front of the other. 

My other big "victory" for this week was driving again, for the first time since our accident. Everyone was very nervous about the idea, but it was surprisingly easy. I think because at the time of the crash, I was a passenger and not driving. I still don't like being in the front passenger seat. Nonetheless, it felt good to take back a little piece of freedom. My mother came down with a bad cold, and needed some medicine picked up from Walgreens, so I got behind the wheel of my brothers car and went for it. That was yesterday, and now today I took another trip to buy a birthday present for my sister and to get some coffee. I felt accomplished, and kept hoping all the while that David was watching and I was making him proud. 

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13 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Before our soulmates died we were all living. We had plans for the future. Events to look forward to. We were making memories. Now I just exist. Most days are the same with just a different word and number on the calendar. It's like I'm in the movie Ben Hur where I am one of the many who are rowing the ship. Row, row, row. Same thing different day. Nothing to look forward to. No new memories with Lori. Just the same thing day after day after day. I guess I've just hit a rough patch after five months.

I always feel sad because I think that I never dreamed until I met Mario, I had some life projects, like finishing my studies, getting a good job, buying a nice car, but everything was so mundane. When I met Mario, I started dreaming, I dreamed a life with him, waking up next to him, preparing his breakfast, have a family with him, rising our child, spend time together. Now as you, I am barely existing, I woke up, eat and do whatever I have to do and then back to sleep, like a zombie! Every day is hard 

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1 hour ago, AshleyDonahue said:

That sounds beautiful, especially the crystal heart from Mexico. If it is okay to ask, what was the video game that you both liked? I think it is so important to remember and honor those little details. I enjoy video games too, although I'm not very good :)

I have a similar set up in my room, a framed picture of us with some of his ID cards (drivers license, high school ID from many years ago) around it - and its funny, also a figurine from a board game we played often (Monopoly). We had played a few days before the accident, and it was still left sitting on the kitchen table when I went back to our house weeks later. He had given me one of the game pieces as an "amnesty" token, so I wouldn't have to pay if I landed on one of his spaces. I immediately remembered and put it in my pocket that day I went to the house, and now I have it beside the photo and his ID cards on the desk in my room here at my parents' place. 

I also can empathize with the ashes. It is so hard to understand, I still to this day, really can't wrap my mind around it. David was so big and sturdy, a booming presence, so I can't fathom his body still not being somewhere here on earth, intact and perfect. I was not able to see him before the cremation, as I was still in the hospital, so maybe that is partly to blame. They clipped off some locks of his hair and put them in small bags, one for me and his mom and his sisters. I have it in my jewelry box, but it is too hard to look at most days. 

We used to played World of Warcraft, I wasn't a hardcore gamer, and we both met because of the game, yes, I met the love of my life by playing my favorite videogame. He was super good at every game, he said his favorite game was The Last of us (PS4), but he also loved Zelda -all of them- and Pokemon games, I think he also loved one called "Fire Emblem." We met playing and I used to be really bad, but in order to spend more time with him playing I started playing as a hardcore gamer, "studying" the game, my character, my class, it was funny because I was the worst warrior of the guild, and the last month we played together -the last month Mario lived- I was on the top 5 dps players. I know is silly but I felt happy because he was proud of me, and he thank me because of my effort we could play together all we wanted :) But I haven't played since the day of the accident, is hard.

His mother has his ID, I have his passport but is not in his altar, I loved the idea of the clipped hair, I never thought about it, but I could be a great idea, I would love to have a piece of his heart, but for me, everything went so fast. I didn't wanted to see him in "that way" because I'd like to remember him smiley, happy, as we has, always filled with happiness. Mario was also big is hard to handle it, right? Is hard to accept that his body is not longer here :(  

I like the story of the Monopoly's figurine. They used to made things in order to helps us and support us, even in a game :) Did you usually play a lot of table games? We were mostly playing in the computer haha.

I feel like time also stopped, in 3 months I haven't done anything, not a single good memory, nothing that is worth recalling, I just move from one day to another, avoiding thinking in the future because is difficult, without him, without them life feels so nonsense. 

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11 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

It feels like time has come to a screeching halt and the only things that change, as you put, are the words and numbers on the calendar. I feel like I will always been trapped in June 2017 and everything since is just a farce. 

It really feels that way. Everything just stopped on 04/01/17. The day before I was happy. Content with the life Lori and I made. We had each other and we didn't need anyone else. In the blink of an eye EVERYTHING changed. From the happiest I have ever been to the saddest. From the top of Mt Everest to the bottom of the ocean. Most change in life is gradual. You don't even notice it happening. It slowly evolves until the change is the new normal. But THIS. This altered every fiber of our beings in one fell swoop. Friends and family don't realize what has been asked of us. They don't get that we will never be the person we were the day before we lost our soulmates. 

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10 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

We used to played World of Warcraft, I wasn't a hardcore gamer, and we both met because of the game, yes, I met the love of my life by playing my favorite videogame. He was super good at every game, he said his favorite game was The Last of us (PS4), but he also loved Zelda -all of them- and Pokemon games, I think he also loved one called "Fire Emblem." We met playing and I used to be really bad, but in order to spend more time with him playing I started playing as a hardcore gamer, "studying" the game, my character, my class, it was funny because I was the worst warrior of the guild, and the last month we played together -the last month Mario lived- I was on the top 5 dps players. I know is silly but I felt happy because he was proud of me, and he thank me because of my effort we could play together all we wanted :) But I haven't played since the day of the accident, is hard.

I met my love by playing video game, too. (sometimes people think we are not serious about the relationship because of that.) I have some friends who usually play games together and my friends introduced him to me. We couldn't always go dating so we just play video games. We started playing FFXIV just two months before his death and we got married in the game lol it sounds stupid isn't it. But I'm so glad we did that, because I will never get a chance to marry him in real life. Now I can't play that game anymore, I never play that alone. I could't play any games until a month after his death. Now I still play his favorite game, Overwatch, with my friends, and one of his friends who started playing lately. I play our skype call recordings while playing the game, it feels like he is still here playing with me. But I don't enjoy the game as much as I did, it's not the same without him shouting "help" or "who killed my Kylie"... He always said he wanted a PS4. I was planning to give him one as a christmas gift, and we could play it together at christmas in his house. But now I don't have to buy it anymore ... Although we didn't have much memory of going out, dating, and mostly we just played video games together, I miss those days so much. It's so hard looking at the friend list and it says he's away for 2 months ... :( 

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13 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

I felt accomplished, and kept hoping all the while that David was watching and I was making him proud. 

Oh I think he's bursting his buttons!  I feel proud and I don't even know you!  It is no easy accomplishment.  When my sister had her accident that killed her three year old and made her a quadriplegic and damaged my other sister's brain (equilibrium, so she falls) I was 15 and it scared me to death.  This was just at the time I should have been learning to drive, yet it took me YEARS to go for my driver's license!  You are pushing past this reminding fear in record time and I think it's remarkable!

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