Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Still Grieving - 4 months gone


honeybrown

Recommended Posts

  • Members
honeybrown

Hello Everyone -

My son's father was killed on January 2, 2010 in a car accident.   He was 35.  We were partners, co-parents, lovers, confidants, friends.  I miss him so terribly.   Even though he lived in Florida and I live in Michigan, we spent time as a family, and visited 8 - 10 times per year.  I have a flexible job, and spent lots of time working from Florida. 

He worked as the director of security at a hotel in South Beach.  He had worked 18 hours on New Years Eve, and was working again on New Years Day.  He left the hotel at about 3am, and fell asleep behind the wheel of his car.  Crashed into the median and his car caught fire.  He died almost instantly.  I can't believe that this big (6'8") invincible man is gone. 

I am really struggling lately with the loss.  I loved him so very much.  More, I think, than I knew or admitted to myself while he was living.  He was such a huge part of my life.  I spoke with him 9 hours before his car accident.  He was happier than I'd heard him in a long time.  He said "2010 is my year."  He felt like something big was coming his way.  He even talked about how he was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his life.  "I'm more than just a nice guy." 

God, I miss him.  My son is 4.  I'm still trying to figure out how to raise this boy on my own.  This boy who has his father's build and his father's face.  This beautiful darling boy who I want to cling to and protect from the world, but know that I can't shelter him or hold him back because it's not fair to him.   

I feel absolutely crazy.  Sometimes I wonder if he was really here.  Sometimes he feels so distant from me, like part of my imagination.  It's as if so many of my memories are behind a veil.   Like I'm removed from them; maybe to protect myself?

I've had dreams about him.  They are so real!  In one I had been searching for him high and low.  We were together and he disappeared.  When I got home (in the dream) he was there with our son.  I smiled and said, "You're here!"  He told me "I'm always here."   It was so real.  SO REAL! 

In another dream he sent me an email in Facebook.  (laugh)  He never could say things that were too emotional or close to his heart, he had to write them.  In the email he told me "I'm sorry if I didn't show you how much I cared while I was there.  I love thee and always will." 

Right now I'm looking for ways to cope.  I tried working massive hours, working out at the gym 6 days a week to stay ahead of the sadness.  At times the sadness and grief is crippling.  I cry and cry and cry and still feel like I'm in the same place - alone, helpless, hopeless, non-productive.  But working and working out like a woman possessed isn't helping with the feelings of sadness either.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to feel.  I wish my tears were good enough to bring him back.  I wish crying made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile.  I miss my life.  I miss myself.  I miss my man.  I want to fill this vacant emptiness I have inside of me, but I don't know how.  I don't know how to FIX all of the broken parts of me. 

I'm hoping to find answers here.   Don't know what the questions are yet, but I know that I need help moving forward.  I keep seeing his car everywhere!  It's driving me nuts.  he drove a dark red Ford Expedition.  I see them all over town.  Tonight I saw THREE of them on the way home from the Y.  Could it be a message from him?  It's kind of comforting, but kind of annoying.  LOL  He could run a joke into the ground.

Thanks for reading.  Thanks for your understanding. Thanks for your help.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Im so sorry to here about your bestfriend,lover, great friend. I to lost my husband 3 years ago. I will never be the same and I did feel and so times still feel like you do. We were married for 25 years.He was 46 when I found his Died on the couch. Not a day goes by that I dont want his back in my live. Its every hard to move on. But , I had to. I wish life stoppied for a while when he passed. I dont like change, so thats why it is so hard. I look at my kids and I just cry. Because even thoough they are 27,28 and 21, they still need their dad there for them. And my grandchilden need him here to. My son real misses him alot.  Im so sorry for you. It will get easer and you will move on in your one way. Just stop and do thing ease for yourself. No one can tell you to move on. Its all up to you.  Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

After 44 years, my wife died---without warning nor cause.  Am I still suffering after six months?  Of course.  Is the pain at times overwhelming?  Of course.  Do I continue to miss her dearly?  Of course.   But perhaps the major question is whether or not I was meant to live on, following the death of my wife.  Here too the answer is of course.

As for your situation, you were meant to live on to give support to your children.  In so doing, you will honor your late husband in the best way possible.  He does live on, as you have stated in your letter.

When will your pain end?  Rather than end suddendly, my experience was that the pain becomes less severe in time.  Please do not attempt to force the ending of the pain, for it is my belief that pain, by itself, is healing. 

Hope this helps.

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
honeybrown

Thanks for the responses.

mrscc - I got your message and will reply.  You said so many things I've already thought and believe in my heart to be true. 

sosolost - I can't imagine losing my husband after 25 years of marriage.  I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.  I am sending you and your children strength.  It's so hard.  What a blessing that they were old enough to remember their Dad - and I'm sure there are lots of stories and memories that you all share when you're together. 

I worry that our son won't remember his Daddy.  He was 4.5 when his Dad died.   I'm sure some things will be vivid, but memories fade over time, and I truly hope he remembers the feeling of his Dad when he's older.  I'll do what I can to keep the memory alive for him, of course. 

eliaal - thanks for the message.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  It is overwhelming, isn't it?  I also believe I was meant to live on, and actually live my life, after my loss. 

It's so confusing to me, because I really felt like I was doing better, and last week I emotionally crashed again.  I'm back in such a dreary, sad headspace, and I hate it here.  I hate feeling this way.  Understanding that it hasn't even been 5 months since he died, I need to allow myself time to get back on my feet.   I've never gone through anything this painful before in my life. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Honeybrown,

First of all here is a cyberhug! ((((((( )))))))

I am so sad to hear about your best friend, lover, confidant and man. He sounds like he was (and is as his spirit lives on) a great guy.

Call me crazy, but I most certainly think he is communicating with you. You should listen to him and accept his messages of love and comfort to you. I truly believe that there are millions and millions of things we do not know about in this life even as technologically advanced as we are.

You are doing the right thing by working out and doing healthy things to try to make yourself feel better. But you need a lot of time to grieve as we all do.

I cry and cry my eyes and soul out nearly everyday. It is absolutely killing me and at times I have no wish to live anymore. This just feels so wrong. Tonight I not only cried, but found a place where I was completely alone and screamed and screamed. I simply cannot take it anymore. I know it is not over by any means and knowing so makes it worse. It is not going to get better for me and this is the worst experience I will have in my life bar none. My Mom is like a Saint and would not harm a soul. Why her?!

Anyway, I don't mean to get away from your story. I think you are doing the right thing, but you have to be strong for your son. Your man would want that! Please do not go do anything crazy or go get into a rebound relationship out of loneliness. Take your time and know your man that you love so much is always close and near.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Your post just really spoke to me. thanks for writing all this. Especially, "Right now I'm looking for ways to cope.  I tried working massive hours, working out at the gym 6 days a week to stay ahead of the sadness.  At times the sadness and grief is crippling.  I cry and cry and cry and still feel like I'm in the same place - alone, helpless, hopeless, non-productive.  But working and working out like a woman possessed isn't helping with the feelings of sadness either.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to feel.  I wish my tears were good enough to bring him back.  I wish crying made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile.  I miss my life.  I miss myself.  I miss my man.  I want to fill this vacant emptiness I have inside of me, but I don't know how.  I don't know how to FIX all of the broken parts of me."

I lost my husband 11 months ago to terminal illness. Even though I was grieving before losing him, I feel I am grieving all over again. Tonghit, especially tough. Had the same thoughts you wrote above. Mu husband, sadly, divorced me prior to dying so I wouldn't have to pay his medical bills upon death. We were still together, just not legally. So I've had to deal with the stigma of the divorce (though kept it quiet) and his loss. I wish I could talk to him, get a hug from him, smell him. I have no interest in dating, just want ot get used to being single. I feel no one will compare to him. He was so kind and good to me. Watched out for me the entire way through. I feel so alone right now even though I have friends and family who are good to me. There's nothing they can do to help with what I need, really.

So, I guess, thanks for posting and you're not alone. I feel odd in feeling such strong feelings so far down the line. Searing pain. Like you, I see a car like his and look to see him in it. Miss him. Miss kissing him. I wish I could move on. My head hurts from crying for hours right now.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Administrators

June 07, 2010

 

Dear Members,

 

We’re excited to inform you that we’re moving to a new and improved message board at the end of this week. It may seem a little bit sudden, but we recently learned that the company that designed our current board is no longer in existence. Our new message board will offer enhanced profile capabilities and chat rooms with up to 20 people at a time (and more if we need it). All of your old posts and private messages will be migrated to our new message board. You may need to re-post your profile picture. Our new message board will feature:

 

  • Custom profile fields
  • Profile page customization with optional background colors, images, and tiling options
  • Facebook and Twitter integration
  • Multiple post responses via “mini-quotes”
  • Pinned discussion threads
  • Targeted board announcements (for entire board or certain sections)
  • Comprehensive search options enabling users to easily find all content created by a particular member (by clicking “Find Content” on the main profile page, or in the “Mini Profile” pop-up which can be accessed throughout the board) 
  • Enhanced privacy options that allow users to sign in anonymously, be hidden from the online users list, disable personal conversations, and deny user-to-user emails

 

You can access the new message board by visiting www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com. Grieving.com is still 100% a part of Beyond Indigo; we just created a new Web address for Search Engine Optimization (SEO) purposes. We’ll do our best to redirect all existing URL’s to our new board, but if you have difficulty accessing them, just remember to visit www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We’ll of course try to make this transition as seamless as possible. 

 

Our new board will seamlessly enable us to grow our community and provide you with even more ways to interact with one other, and for that we’re very grateful. Please feel free to email feedback@beyondindigo.com with any questions, and thank you for being a part of the Beyond Indigo online community.

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President/CEO, Beyond Indigo

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Administrators

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Almost 8 months gone. Part of me feels like I should be over the loss, accepted reality, healed and moved forward. And other parts of me feel hopelessly broken, like I will never be the same without my man. It's so weird, because I'm still expecting his phone call. I'm still expecting him to show up smiling sheepishly like he did so many other times before when he'd screwed up and had to come to me with an apology or an excuse for his behavior. I miss him so, so, so terribly much.

Sometimes I tell myself how much easier my life would be if he were still here. I can romanticize our past, our history. I can pretend like everything was peaches and cream. In my heart I know that yes, things would be easier, but I would still be dealing with his bullshit excuses for not being the man I needed him to be. Yes, I accepted him for his fallibilties, but I hoped that he would transcend who he was and realize his potential. He was such an amazing spirit.

I feel crazy for admitting it, but I FEEL him sometimes. I sometimes lay in my bed at night and feel a rush of energy when I concentrate really hard on him. I can feel him tweaking the favorite parts of me, and I tingle in his presence. OMG, I'd never admit it out loud. Maybe that's why I still expect that he will call - because he's near. Because he never left. I keep asking for a SIGN from him - a tipped picture, a visual... It hasn't come yet - if it did, I'd think for certain I was crazier than I imagined. But the belief that he's with me in some altered reality, some other level, makes me smile. I loved him and needed him so much more than I was ever willing to admit to him for fear that I would appear too vulnerable.

Our son has started kindergarten and said, "Mama I wish my Dad was here to tell me about school." It broke my heart all over. More than anything else, I wish he were here, too. HIS father died when he was 1 years old, and he spent the last few months of his life obsessing over his father's life and passing. I remember asking him in October 2009 what he would have changed in his life if he had the power,and he responded "I'd still have my Dad." So tragic that he wasn't able to give that gift to his own boys. I miss him so!

I realized about 2 weeks ago that I am entering the "ANGER" stage of grieving. I'm mad. I'm SO mad! At his mother for being so hypocritical and demanding at the same time. She never wanted anything to do with me or my child before her son died - but now she wants us to call daily, and she tells me that my boy is her grandson and she has a right to see him. She disallowed me to plan her son's funeral, we have been given NO mementos of his life. No pictures, articles of clothing, none of his remains. And still she wants to make claim my child. NOT because of who that precious little 5 year old boy is, but because she is trying to keep her OWN child alive through him. What am I to do as a mother? How do I balance both relationships? I don't want to deny her access to my boy, but I feel the need to protect him. I don't want her to use him for untrue purposes. Yet, I also don't want to disappoint my man. Right now I feel he would be so disappointed in me. He was such the peace-maker... I have always been the rebel and the fighter. LOL He called me his little hothead.

Eight months. EIGHT. I don't cry for hours any longer, but I miss him just as deeply. I honestly believe he knew he was leaving this world. He was transcendent in the hours before he passed. I wish I had understood it at the time... Eight months later, I love him. I honor his passing. I miss him to my soul. I am grateful for the time we spent together. I thank him for his love, his time, his attention. When I feel that rush of energy, I smile and say aloud "I know you're here." And I believe he feels and hears me. I believe that he i with me. I believe it for all that I am. I hope that makes it so.

I wish things were different. I wish I could touch, feel, kiss, love, sex him again. It's SO incredibly unfair that he's gone, that he left me at 35 years old. But I also believe he had bigger, richer things to accomplish. His was such an all-encompassing spirit. At 6'8", with such a far-reaching personality he couldn't be contained on this earthly realm. I feel loony as SH*T when I say things like that, but I believe it.

And tonight I'll light a candle, lay in my bed and close my eyes while I remember how I felt when I was with him. I'll conjure up his face in my mind. I'll think about some of our best times together. I'll see his smile. I'll remember how he'd make me a wee bit nervous when he'd walk through our front door. And maybe - if I'm lucky, if tonight is "my night," I will feel that welcome rush of energy that signals he is present with ME tonight. And I will love him all the more because of it.

Thanks for listening...

HB

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi HB,

We're listening.

As for his mother, would your man want you to allow your son to have a relationship with her? If he were here, would he take his son to see her and form a bond? Would it be good for your son? That's a very tough call on that one. Maybe he will help you answer that one the next time you feel his energy.

We're here for you,

Konnie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello again!

It's been a while since I checked in, but today has been a rough day. Really, the first bad day since the 1 year observation of my man's passing. Today is just hard. It's one of those days where ordinarily I would have called him just for a pick me up. His advice was always so rational and measured. He was such an anchor to me, and always seemed to have the right words to say.

The end of the year passed without much of an issue. I steeled myself against the memories and the loss, I think. I was tough and ready. I beat down any emotional sadness that tried to creep up. We celebrated his birthday in November. Thanksgiving and Christmas were reserved, but happy. And then it got to be New Years night and I fell apart. I watched the clock, and like so many other times had those "this time last year we were..." memories. I got a little teary at 9:08, which is the last time he called me in 2009. We had a great conversation, and I just remember him being so happy. I remember him saying "Something big is coming my way." He was almost euphoric! I couldn't sleep and laid in the bed watching the clock. I finally drifted off sometime after 1:30, and at 3:16 I heard a loud POP and sat bolt upright in bed. I dont' know if it was an internal clock or something else, but his time of death is recorded at 3:16am.

And then I crashed. I completely crashed. All of the emotions I had stamped into submission came flooding out. I couldn't go to work, I couldn't talk on the phone. I just needed to be alone and cry and feel sorry for myself. I think that I finally realized, for once and for all, that he is not coming back. He's not coming back. My man really and truly died. And it broke my heart all over again! I stayed at home the entire week - took personal time from work. And the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness passed in a few days, and I've been able to cope with life, even begin to flourish a bit, until today.

I have been feeling incredibly lonely for the past week. And incredibly overwhelmed. Our 5 year old has been misbehaving in school on a regular basis. His entire year has been a battle to get him to do right at school. He's a typical boy adjusting to Kindergarten, but his struggles are compounded by losing his Dad. I understand that, but I don't understand why he turns into this imp at school! I'm embarrassed and frustrated. I keep trying to figure out what will motivate him to be good and follow directions, but so far I've only had moderate success. Today he wet himself on the playground and I had to leave work early to pick him up.

On top of this only parenting (not single parenting, ONLY parenting, as I am the only parent my son has) my job is difficult. I'm being promoted, which is wonderful. The promotion means more responsibility and more dedication to the job. Greater challenges. More travel. I have to find a way to balance life, because I can't lose myself again. Last year I was lost. I put myself last and threw myself into work and numbing through wine (if I'm being honest). I can't go back to that awful place.

This year I am beginning to feel more like myself, which is very welcomed. I'm going out more, meeting new people, socializing more. It's funny that I can now see that when I felt "normal" last year, I was anything but. I don't know what my new "normal" will be, but I realize that I will never be the way I was before my man left me. What will the new be me like?

One thing I know I must do is get my weight under control. I gained 42 pounds last year. I know. Forty Two! I wasn't a skinny little thing to begin with, so I am really struggling with this extra weight. I joined Weight Watchers and have lost about 12 pounds so far, which is good. I cut back on my drinking, too. Oh, and I'm finally taking regular anti-depressants which are helping to buoy my spirits. I'm just so tired lately. And I am SO lonely.

The nights are the worst. I've been playing computer games and watching tv, but I need to find something constructive to do at night that does not involve working. I lost my libido last year, but something is awakening in me again, and it makes me feel SO guilty! I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I need help. I mean, I feel like I need HELP. It's getting to be too much again - housecleaning, parenting, career, personal grooming, discipline, socializing... I don't know who I would invite into my life at this time, but I need someone. A nanny? A housekeeper?

He still visits my dreams. Not as frequently, but when he does they are soooo real! I am always so happy and surprised to see him. "You came back" is the feeling I have. And we play and love and laugh together. When I wake up I'm almost euphoric because I feel like things are all right in the world. And then I remember the bleak reality. The dreams are bittersweet reminders of what once was.

One GOOD thing that has occurred over the past few months is that our son and his mother have connected. She and I had a heart to heart, and I told her how I felt. She told me how she feels. We cried together. She showed me pictures of she and her son together, and gave us some to treasure. We talk for a few minutes each night. She wishes she were closer to us so that she can help with her grandson, whom she calls "Carlito" now. (funny) She thinks I'm funny, and has told me that she sees why I was a part of her son's life. We're taking a leap of faith and going to spend Easter with her. I may even allow my little one to spend time with Abuela this summer. I know that he is bringing peace and acceptance to our hearts. He was such a peacemaker! Always building bridges.

The last piece that is overwhelming me is financial. I'm juggling two mortgages on top of all the other bills I have. The last straw today was seeing that my checking account is overdrawn by $36. I just got paid last Friday. I'm drowning. This weekend I am working a budget, and we have to stick to it. I know this problem is just temporary, but it is humbling.

We are good. We are surviving. I am working towards happy. Somewhere along the way I stopped asking "WHY (did he leave me)?" and began asking "HOW (am I going to make it all by myself)?" Eventually that transitioned to "WHAT?" What do I want next? What is coming my way? What will my new normal be? What kind of man will our boy become without a father? What else do I need to be doing that I'm not already doing.

Just coming here and picking up my thoughts has made me feel stronger. I'm a little weepy tonight, but my life is good. OUR lives are good. Oh, one more thing. Little one and I were headed to school one morning when out of the blue he said, "Mama, I can hear my Daddy's voice." My heart jumped. I asked what his Daddy's voice was saying, and his reply was "I love you." Then he added "And listen in school." LOL We are healing.

Thank You for Listening,

HB

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Honeybrown,

It truly sounds as though your grief journey, despite the recent setback, is moving forward in a positive and good way. You sound like you are on the right track emotionally. You will have those setbacks. The first year seems to be weird, where a person is just going through the motions, kind of in a numbing shock type of state of mind, and then reality pushes through somewhere after that.

By the sounds of your post; you really are a strong survivor. I am glad you are connecting with grandma; she probably needs you both as much as you need her.

It also sounds like you are combatting the loneliness appropriately, and I am glad to hear you say you've cut down on the wine (in the long run drinking to hide only creates more problems). I like to hear that you are getting out with friends.

Your son's behavior will smooth out; hopefully his "visit" from his daddy helped reassure him, too.

Congratulations on your promotion. I'm sure you deserve it. Traveling sounds fun and an excellent way to meet new people, even though you will be working. Hopefully, you will have some time to see the sights and socialize.

Keep us updated, and thanks for coming back to tell us how you are doing. I was just thinking of you the other day, and I had hoped you were well.

ModKonnie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.