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annagrace

My little girl is gone

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Thank you so much to anyone who comments or even reads my story. I have never been so hopeless and I appreciate anyone reading this for  taking time out of their day to help me cope with my loss.

I am 16 years old and I've owned my cat since 4th grade. She was only 7 years old when she went missing a couple days ago. She was my rock, my support, my happiness and one of my few reasons for living. Even though it's more than likely that she is gone forever, I can't seem to accept it and I'm still praying that my baby will come home.

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To give some background, I was abused by a neighbor when I was little and I have only told my parents a few months ago and have been trying to deal with it since. It has given me PTSD and a social disorder and I wish I was able to trust people. I never wanted to live as someone who was abused and whenever I would start crying and/or panic when the memories resurfaced my kitty would comfort me like no other, jumping up on my bed with a loud purr and bumping her face into mine. She was there for me when my parents were too stressed to help me with what I was going through.

We went away from home for 4 days recently while my mom's friend took care of the cat, and she reportedly hid under my parents' bed whenever my mom's friend came inside to feed her. She had gotten a little bit thinner before we left but it was nothing worth being concerned over.

When we came home she was acting fairly normal but there was vomit in my room. I didn't think much of it because she only vomits when she eats too fast or has clumps of hair in her stomach and then she's completely fine. Later she was desperately howling to get outside after having been inside for 4 days. I know people will disagree with letting cats outside but because of her ear tufts, extra toes, strong hunting instinct and desire to be outdoors, the shelter we adopted her from believes that our cat is part lynx. A strict indoor life would have made her miserable.

We felt sorry for her and let her outside, knowing she would come back by 9 or 10pm like she always does. We all took turns looking for her for hours but couldn't find her anywhere and assumed she wanted to be left alone for the night.

We still couldn't find her the following morning but we saw cat pee behind the couch in the living room. It was dark with blood and no one knew how long it had been there. We immediately knew that she may have been too sick to get away from predators like she always does and that she may have been taken away by something. We called her outside, shook her food, looked in our front and back yard and all around the neighborhood, and put up posters. Each minute that has passed without her has made my heart heavier and I feel like I'm somehow to blame, that I should have known she was too sick to be left alone outside. I haven't stopped crying and I would do anything to have her back.

Even just typing this whole thing out has lifted some of the pain but it's still very present. I would be beyond appreciative if someone saw this and gave me some assuring words during this tough time in my life.

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AJWCat   

So sorry to hear about your kitty. Hopefully you will find her or at least get some peace since she was clearly sick. Cats are funny, they hide illness and when it's their time they withdraw. Not your fault. Still does not change how sad you are, I hope that it gets better soon. 

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KayC   

I am so sorry.  It does sound like your cat wanted to go be in peace while she's going through transition.  I know it's terribly hard not to know for sure what happened to her, but with the symptoms you say she displayed, it points to that.  I had a cat that was 14, strictly outdoor cat by her choice, she aged faster because of it, she was old and arthritic, and she went off to die alone, we never found her body.  I would have loved to have given her the burial she deserved, but alas cats often prefer to be alone when they're going.  I lost another cat, unknown age but I'd had her 10 1/2 years and she was fully adult when I got her, so probably at least 14-16 years, she was in great condition so she wasn't going off to die, but she disappeared.  I knew she'd never run away, she was very happy with me, but most likely another animal got her, never found her or knew exactly what happened to her, that was 14 1/2 months ago.  I know how hard the unknowing is.

I'm also very sorry to hear what you went through when you were little, someone abused my daughter when she was four and we didn't find out until she was grown, although I remember that night and the foreboding feelings I had, I'd questioned her but she didn't tell (she'd been threatened).  When I found out at last she was 23 and I got her counseling, I hope your parents have gotten you counseling, you might talked to them about it, it does help.  It is such an unfair thing to happen to you through no fault of your own!  I understand how your cat brought you peace, and I wish the best for you.  Perhaps in time you might consider getting another one, I know it wouldn't be the same, but it might help fill some of the void.  I am a big pet lover, usually when I lose one, I give it some time and then get another, I can't imagine living without pets.

I hope you learn something one way or another, I know how hard it is to feel left in limbo.  (((hugs)))

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KMB   

annagrace,  I am so sorry for what you endured as a child and for what you are going through now, in missing your cat. I understand how painful it is in not knowing what happened to her. Maybe, she will come home again. You can hang onto hope and pray for her.

About 12 years ago, I lost a cat outside. She was only 6 months old and she always stayed right in the yard around the house. One night, she didn't come back in at the time she usually did. I went to bed, with the knowing that she would keep banging on the screen door until I let her in. I laid awake all night. She never showed up. I spent a whole week looking for her everywhere. Sometime during the second week, I had a dream of her. She showed herself laying on bright green grass, blue sky and sunshine. She looked peaceful and content. i took that dream as a sign that some critter, probably a coyote, had found her. She was in Heaven. I said a thank you to her for letting me know I could stop looking for her.  I grieved for her for a long time. I did get another cat. She was born from another litter of the same parent cats of the one I lost. She is still here, keeping me company.

It is so very hard when we lose pets. They are an extension of family. Like KayC, I could not imagine being without them in my life.

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@AJWCat Thank you so much. I am already working my way towards recovery and haven't been crying as much. I also just read your topic and I am so, so sorry for what happened to your kitty too. This may not have been when or how you expected him to go, but I know he lived a very long and wonderful life with you and your husband based on how much you both care for him. It's a very hard thing to go through especially when it happens unexpectedly, but at least you can know that you can let go of your guilt. I hope you will recover and find some peace soon.

@KayC Thank you so much, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your cats. I can assure they loved living with you and had amazing lives before it was their time to go. And the unknowing is very hard, I would actually rather find her body somewhere than not know what happened to cause her disappearance because we can give her a burial and know we can stop looking and worrying.

I am also so sorry for what your daughter had to go through, it makes me so mad that people do such awful things, especially to small children. I'm so glad she was able to tell you and you got her counseling, people often keep abuse to themselves for much longer than your daughter did or even for their entire lives. I hope everything you're doing to help her has brought her the peace she deserves.

Fortunately, about a year ago my parents were able to get me the best counselor I could ask for! The next time I see her I'm planning to talk to her about my cat because it's still affecting me a lot, and my friends have also helped me cope. I'm volunteering at the same animal shelter we adopted her from when school starts for me and we're planning on adopting another cat in a couple months or whenever we fully recover, but it will most likely be a kitten that hasn't had any experience outdoors so we can raise it to be a happy indoor cat. There's just too much danger outside where I live. Again, thank you I hope you and your family find peace. (hugs!)

@KMB Thank you so much. I am still barely hanging on to hope and I'm so sorry for what happened to your kitten. She was very happy with you and I'm so glad she was able to tell you she's still happy where she is and that she allowed you to stop looking for her. If a coyote did get her she went quickly with no pain. I'm also glad that you adopted a kitten of the same litter so you can have a pet to keep you company as well as still have a piece of your previous kitten in your life. I hope everything has gone peacefully for you since.

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AJWCat   

@annagrace you have a lot of wisdom for your age, what kind replies to everyone. You are a very thoughtful person and I appreciated your reply to me! Glad you are doing better and looking towards adopting another cat at some point. There are plenty that need saving and love that is for sure. 

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KayC   
15 hours ago, AJWCat said:

@annagrace you have a lot of wisdom for your age

Sure does!  Wishing you well in your upcoming adoption.  I think it's great that you're volunteering there.  My current cat, Kitty, is 21 and spent her first ten years in a trailer court in Portland, OR, abandoned by one owner after another, repeatedly, never seeing a vet, getting crudely "fixed" after many litters by someone (a home job) that I hate to even think about how that went.  I took her to my home in the country and promised her a forever home and she's doing well here.  

You're right, it's easier to train a kitten that has never ventured outdoors to be content inside...once they've had that taste of freedom to hunt, etc. it's pretty hard to contain them happily.

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