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Next Week


GhostofLight

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GhostofLight

Next week I have to go home for a visit with the family.  It's my mother's birthday.

I'm really dreading it.  Dreading being around them.  Having to make small talk about the most inane stuff.  Hearing about their happy lives.  And, worst of all, hearing about God and how wonderful he is.

I dunno.  I'm tempted to just cancel.  What's the point of associating with people anymore?

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I know how hard that visit will be. I avoided people for awhile myself. Especially during the Christmas holidays. I did go to a friends family meal for Thanksgiving. I handled it for all of 2 hours. They understood, which I was grateful for. Try to keep the perspective that you are doing it for your mom. Her special day. Remember, we are not guaranteed tomorrow.:wub:

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AshleyDonahue
51 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

Next week I have to go home for a visit with the family.  It's my mother's birthday.

I'm really dreading it.  Dreading being around them.  Having to make small talk about the most inane stuff.  Hearing about their happy lives.  And, worst of all, hearing about God and how wonderful he is.

I dunno.  I'm tempted to just cancel.  What's the point of associating with people anymore?

Understood on the family front... I don't know how it is for you, but in my case, I think they are just too overwhelmed or confounded by my grief to address it head on... they care and mean well, but... the small talk drives me crazy. As for hearing about the happy lives, I get that too. I was a bridesmaid in my sisters wedding earlier this month, go figure. Was pretty hard to get through that one, but somehow I did. Almost had to laugh at the macabre humor of it all. 

I hope whatever you decide to do, that your family will try to understand and be compassionate, even if you cancel. 

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1 hour ago, GhostofLight said:

Next week I have to go home for a visit with the family.  It's my mother's birthday.

I'm really dreading it.  Dreading being around them.  Having to make small talk about the most inane stuff.  Hearing about their happy lives.  And, worst of all, hearing about God and how wonderful he is.

I dunno.  I'm tempted to just cancel.  What's the point of associating with people anymore?

39 minutes ago, KMB said:

Remember, we are not guaranteed tomorrow.:wub:

I hope you go, if not for yourself, than for your mom.  KMB was spot on in her post.   Love your family, many of us (including myself) no longer have our mothers.  Spend time with them; be kind and serve one another.  Make no room for regrets; tomorrow is not promised, and today is nearly over.

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1 hour ago, GhostofLight said:

Next week I have to go home for a visit with the family.  It's my mother's birthday.

I'm really dreading it.  Dreading being around them.  Having to make small talk about the most inane stuff.  Hearing about their happy lives.  And, worst of all, hearing about God and how wonderful he is.

I dunno.  I'm tempted to just cancel.  What's the point of associating with people anymore?

Ghostoflight

Below is a post from my thread.

The nephew's graduation

After a 10 hour drive everyone ( my daughter ,son, and parents) was talking and it was brought to my attention (by my daughter) that I had failed to get a card for graduation. My daughter pointed out that mom had always handled this part and I had the social skills of a rock. In part I agree with her and yes I have for 22 years relied on my wife to take care of such matters( I could not keep up with her in this area by no means). Then at the front desk my dad lets it be known that I'm single and live at home alone(he was joking around with the clerks and meant nothing by it).

So after that one two punch I went and saw my brother and his wife. She is a lot like my wife , short with blond hair, blue eyes and they have been asked if they were sisters when seen together. That was the third punch so needless to say it was a hard day and I kept it to myself. It was a hard 4 days, kids were kids and adults were in pairs except for me. They all wanted to see Trish(my wife) every time they looked my way or talked to me. After 22 years she is as much of the family as I am there is no difference. I do understand their discomfort when around me but their is nothing any of us can do about it.

I was there but I wanted to be home alone.

One of these day I will have a girlfriend and their will be a family gathering. What a day that will be, will I and/or them be ready? This moving on is not just me but also my family and everyone that knew us. I do believe It starts with me and then I will worry about everyone else later. In this grieving process someone once said "put yourself first” . I think it came from this forum somewhere, I now understand what they were saying.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

 
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I think you are free to walk away when you don't want to talk about a certain topic, just excuse yourself away.

Maybe you can cancel but sometimes I've felt that this "meetings" helped me to distract my mind.

But always do what feels good for you, if you don't want to go it is ok, but as your family give them a little explanation, tell them you don't feel ready.

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It won't be easy to see everyone living the lives you so desperately want back. It's hard being around these events for me because it's almost as if people try their best to not bring Lori up. They think if they do then they will magically make me think of her all of the sudden. I have explained to a few family and friends that I think of Lori 24/7 anyway so you won't hurt my feelings if you say her name. On the contrary, I want to talk about her. I want others to tell their stories about her. I want people to remember her. Sometimes we just have to tell people it's ok to talk about them. And if you need a break and need to be alone during the event then just excuse yourself and let them know that you just need some time to reflect. People just don't know how difficult our lives are and what we endure. They simply don't know how hard these events are until we tell them. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you have the strength to make it through.

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14 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Next week I have to go home for a visit with the family.  It's my mother's birthday.

I'm really dreading it.  Dreading being around them.  Having to make small talk about the most inane stuff.  Hearing about their happy lives.  And, worst of all, hearing about God and how wonderful he is.

I dunno.  I'm tempted to just cancel.  What's the point of associating with people anymore?

I understand your feelings.  But I too vote on your going, for your mom.  I lost my mom 3 years ago and even though she was always difficult to be around, I miss her.  We only get the time they're with us, once they're gone there's no re-dos.

When people start talking in ways that upset me, I interject, I've had to learn to stand up for myself since I no longer have George to do it, and somehow I've done it ever since he died.  They can't understand what it's like to be in your shoes, yet it is only you who can try to convey it.  Even then they won't get it fully.  I've learned to mete my time out in doses I can handle with difficult people (esp. my mom, when she was alive), sometimes it was five minutes, sometimes an hour, but whatever I could handle (she had personality disorders).  I do know that I don't regret, looking back now, any time I spent with her.

I too pray you'll have the strength to make it through it, and do try to take a break if you need it.

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AshleyDonahue

GhostofLight, I was thinking of this today and wondering what you decided to do. 

Did you go (or are you going) home for your mom's birthday? If so, I hope it went okay. You are in my thoughts. 

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GhostofLight
13 minutes ago, AshleyDonahue said:

GhostofLight, I was thinking of this today and wondering what you decided to do. 

Did you go (or are you going) home for your mom's birthday? If so, I hope it went okay. You are in my thoughts. 

Ashley,

You're so very kind.  I greatly appreciate your checking in like this.  Bless you.

Yes, I'm going.  Catching a train tomorrow evening and staying with Mom and the family through Labor Day.

Not sure what to expect, but... Mom is turning 84, and I know how precious every moment is.

Hopefully it won't be too difficult.  This is the first time in a while I've seen my family in person.  I dunno.  I might be charming or I could burst into tears.

I miss my love so very much.

 

 

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AshleyDonahue
29 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

Ashley,

You're so very kind.  I greatly appreciate your checking in like this.  Bless you.

Yes, I'm going.  Catching a train tomorrow evening and staying with Mom and the family through Labor Day.

Not sure what to expect, but... Mom is turning 84, and I know how precious every moment is.

Hopefully it won't be too difficult.  This is the first time in a while I've seen my family in person.  I dunno.  I might be charming or I could burst into tears.

I miss my love so very much.

 

 

I'm glad that you are going... as you said, every moment is precious (as we all know too well here). I certainly have my ups and downs with my family these days; but I know I am lucky to have them, even if they don't always say the best things... 

It's strange, and an added level of loss, how all of this this alters our relationships with our families... I can't speak for you or anyone else, but I know that personally, I've felt a huge change in my relationships with them since losing David. It's hard enough to lose your best friend and soulmate, but to then have relationships with parents, siblings and friends altered (for the worse), it just compounds everything. Nothing is the same. I've been trying in recent days to step away and view things through their eyes, to understand where they are coming from. I know they are trying their best; but they can't relate, and ultimately I don't wish the ability to upon any of them. 

Even if you burst into tears, I'm sure you will still be charming (you are their little boy!), and I'm sure that whether they express it clearly or not, they all love you very much. And I hope your love is guiding you and with you all the while (and I don't mean that in the trite sense that people outside of our situation will offer, but sincerely... I don't know what your beliefs are, and I wrestle with mine all the time now, but I always try and hope to feel his presence... and I hope you will have that on your trip home). 

Will be thinking of you here in NH and hoping for the best... and if you ever want to vent, we are all here. I am sporadic in posting, but this website has honestly been the most helpful place/thing throughout. 

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14 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Ashley,

You're so very kind.  I greatly appreciate your checking in like this.  Bless you.

Yes, I'm going.  Catching a train tomorrow evening and staying with Mom and the family through Labor Day.

Not sure what to expect, but... Mom is turning 84, and I know how precious every moment is.

Hopefully it won't be too difficult.  This is the first time in a while I've seen my family in person.  I dunno.  I might be charming or I could burst into tears.

I miss my love so very much.

 

 

You can do it! You are stronger than you realize. Don't worry about crying while you are there. I suspect your family will understand and hopefully be there to comfort you. If you're not comfortable and have to go in the other room then do it. Some people are uneasy about grieving in front of other people. You do what you are comfortable with. I also don't want you to worry about smiling or laughing either. It's ok to feel good every now and again. Embrace those moments when you can. Also keep in mind that while you may feel a little uneasy about seeing some family members for the first time in a while, they may feel awkward as well. It's human nature. As you know, people just don't know what to say or how to act towards us so it may be uncomfortable for them at first. I will keep you in my thoughts today and pray that everything will go well. 

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13 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Yes, I'm going.  Catching a train tomorrow evening and staying with Mom and the family through Labor Day.

I hope all goes well for you.  I know our current perspective can change with time, at least it was that way with my mom and I...she's been gone now for three years and I'm glad for every effort I made for her, although at the time sometimes I didn't want to as she could be difficult.  I've heard it said that on our deathbeds we never regret not spending more time at the office but do wish we'd spent more time with our family.  I suppose that's true.

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GhostofLight,  Safe traveling to and from. I wish you well during the weekend and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Heed the advice/suggestions that others have posted. This is a big, forward, step for you and we are proud of you!

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Hello Friends,

Well, I did it.  Sort of.

The visit home started reasonably well.  I was in a decent mood and kind of enjoyed the simplicity - the way each day unfolded:  Who's making the coffee?  What's on the news?  Where are we taking Mom for dinner?

But slowly I started to feel the resentment welling up.  Nobody asked about me.  Not even in a perfunctory way.  I think it's hard for them to imagine what this loss has been like, and it's especially tricky because they never even met my boyfriend (who passed away in March) so they don't really have a reference point.  But it would've been nice to hear something... even if it was just:  "How are you holding up?" or "I know you've been through some **** and I'm sorry."  We didn't need to talk about it for hours - just an acknowledgement.

One other thing I should cover here is the fact that I'm a gay man, grieving the loss of another gay man (well, two, actually). That probably hasn't been clear up to now.

At any rate, my family is pretty tolerant and accepting, but old fears still lurk in the shadows.  Would they take my pain more seriously if it had been a woman?  If I had a child would they care more?  Do they talk about me with friends and distant relatives, or am I "just fine?"

And that awful, creeping realization that their lives are moving on, progressing.  Not perfect because nothing ever is - but nonetheless real lives.  Lives that still have some possibility for genuine happiness.  Lives that might bear some resemblance to their dreams.  Meanwhile, my life is, for all intents and purposes, over.  To a certain extent I don't blame them.  Who wants to speak with a corpse in their living room?

I got hit by a tidal wave of emotion.  Cried in my room and felt suicidal for the first time in a while.  I decided to leave a day early because the stress was just too much for me to handle.  I felt like I might burst into tears if anyone so much as asked me for a section of the newspaper.

There's a Verve lyric:  "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me."  I suppose it's like that from now on.  I'd much rather be hanging out with you guys, simply because you KNOW.  You get it.  We will likely never meet in real life but I love all of you for that.

So I left a day early.  Came back home to my empty apartment.  Had a long phone conversation with my late boyfriend's niece (we're very close now) and talked about the life that might have been.  Marriage.  A home.  Cuddling.  Support and devotion.  Joy and togetherness.  All the things that are no longer possible.

It would've been great.

 

 

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@GhostofLight I'm sorry that you had that experience going home, but I think it was great of you that you realised that you needed to remove yourself and took care of yourself by leaving a day early.  You still made the visit and that is a huge accomplishment! I think it is very difficult making small talk when internally I want to scream almost constantly.  Our families cannot understand the depth of the pain we feel. Honestly, before my husband's death I could never have imagined that people could feel this much pain. I know I am guilty of saying the wrong things because I never could have known.  It doesn't excuse your family for not even asking you how you are holding up. I'm sorry you felt unsupported, but I'm glad that you took care of yourself. We are here for you. Sending you hugs!

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On 9/4/2017 at 8:15 AM, GhostofLight said:

Would they take my pain more seriously if it had been a woman?

Probably not.  It's something people just don't know how to deal with.  It's not a personal affront to you, it's their awkwardness and ignorance about grief.  I'm sure they care but they're afraid to bring it up, really don't know how to handle it.

I'm so sorry.  It was good of you to go there for your mom but also good to recognize what YOU needed and go home early.  Maybe someday you can TELL them, "It hurt that you didn't even ask how I was doing when my life was just shattered."

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I'm proud of you that you were able to make it at all. I've been trying to go home to the first family dinner since my wife died since last weekend. Every day I call my mom and tell her I don't feel up to it. And the next day is exactly the same thing. At least you made it. That's a big step

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6 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

Is suicide really so awful?

I mean, I already know how this story ends.  Why wait?

I thought the same sometime but then I think what if I stuck in middle between life and death, between heaven or earth, then I will be not able to talk to my family and nor to meet my Goli, so I decided to wait until my time comes.

Just give your life remote control to destiny and accept whatever come.

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9 minutes ago, GhostofLight said:

Is suicide really so awful?

I mean, I already know how this story ends.  Why wait?

Everyday, every minute I think about him, nothing can distract my mind. Even in office if I do my work, part of my mind, my heart always think about him. When he was with me , I totally focused to my work at office but now its all gone, I hardly do anything in office and if I do, I can't focus on anything. This is the kind of life I never imagined, I posted earlier that I lost my whole identity, 9 years before I did not know him, his existence did not bother me and now only his existence bother me, no matter if any other family member gone instead of him, I will cope up after sometime  because Goli will be here but now that person is gone who should be here with me in my hard time and he is the reason for this hard/cruel time.

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1 hour ago, GhostofLight said:

If God has any mercy at all tonight I'll die in my sleep.

I don't believe in God anymore, if he has mercy he wont allow my husband to die in such young age due to stupid chickenpox illness.

I begged god that night continuously and asked him if he has to take any life, take it mine but leave my husband but he did not listen and take my husband with him.

I wish every night that please make this night my last night but still I am alive, we are in prison called life and have no idea what was our crime.

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Ghost,

Just know that love is love and grief is grief for ALL of us. I am so sorry that the trip was so hard. Sometimes we just want acknowledgement. Not a big production but a simple word or a hug that lets us know that our pain is understood. I mean it's not too much to ask is it. We just want to be heard. We just want the world to grieve a little with us. Hopefully the hard part is over. The anxiety of the "first visit" will hopefully subside now and future gatherings will be a little easier. 

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If you really feel suicidal, please call a suicide hot line.  Keep in mind that this is the worst part of grief, try to give yourself time to process it, it does take quite a while, give yourself a chance to feel differently.  While their death is permanent (until afterlife reunion) our perspective and adjustment is ever changing, you haven't had time to see that.  Hang onto that hope.

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AshleyDonahue

@GhostofLight To echo previous comments, I'm proud of you for going. It's not easy... (what is, these days??)

And it's a double-edged sword sometimes... the misguided/unintentionally hurtful comments from friends and family are brutal, but the lack of acknowledgement altogether can be even worse. I can't figure out sometimes if they are truly oblivious, or just too uncomfortable to address the elephant in the room. Probably the latter, most of the time. 

As for whether your partner being a woman would change anything... I don't know your family, but my gut instinct is no, it wouldn't. It certainly doesn't in my eyes. You lost your best friend and true love, and that's all it boils down to. Gay or straight, people can't relate to our pain unless they have experienced it... even if they are trying to be empathetic, they just can't (and I would never wish the ability to on any of them). 

I hope you are feeling a little better today. And by the way, that is a great song by the Verve. 

❤️

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