nine days...do people forget me?

[chasnrosa]

It's been 9 days. I'm up and down. I've been angry a lot. My mom, sister, daughter, and dad call me daily to make sure I'm okay. But what about his kids?  What about friends?  They don't call. So they care?  I go on Facebook and there's no posts about him. My posts are about him and grieving. I can't do this. Nights are okay for some weird reasons but I wake up empty and lost.  My dogs and cats are even feeling his loss. I just feel like an empty shell. Why is everyone but my immediate family not caring?  I'm so angry some days. Sometimes I don't want to wake up to deal with it all. But I would NEVER EVER put my kid through that. I was robbed by cancer. Its all just complete and utter nonsense.  I just had to rant and rave and I apologize. Thanks to anyone listening. 

[SweetBear]

You're very lucky to have immediate family to check on you. As for friends it's been my experience they drop like flies. 

I have no family so I was truly counting on friends. The first day or two people responded on Facebook. A few sent private messages saying they were there if I needed to talk, but I found the catch to that was they wouldn't be checking to see how I was doing, it was up to me to contact them.

One friend promised to check on me daily. That lasted maybe two weeks? 

So imo in the moment they give you their condolences but then their lives go on and idk, maybe they assume others are reaching out to you. 

I actually went through this same thing in 2011 when my mom passed and was shocked that the people who had promised to be here for me, never so much as called a single time.

So cherish that you do have family. They care and love you. 

And very sorry for your lost. 

[Eagle-96]

People move on. It's a sad but true statement in this process. They move on but we are stuck right in the middle of the sadness and despair. I guess the reality of it is that we were with our soulmate all the time. The other people in their lives were with them anywhere from a few hours a day to a few minutes a year. Those people start to focus on their own spouses and children. They go about their daily lives and we fade from their memory. They may think of our spouse from time to time but not enough to actually pick up the phone and check on us. People are also afraid of the reality we remind them of. They desperately do not want to be in our shoes and if they think about us then they are reminded of the ultimate pain in life. BUT, this will also bring to light the people that truly care about you. Hold onto them.

[chasnrosa]

Sweetbear and eagle,

Thank you. Everything you said was true.  I do cherish my family. My mom just called from work to see how I am doing. My sister tested me today and my dad talked to me yesterday. I am very grateful for them because I would probably go insane without them. Sweetbear, I'm sorry for your loss. If anyone ever needs someone to listen on here, I will be there for them. You guys have all helped so much. I don't even know any of you personally and you Help me so much. Of anyone ever needs to talk please message me or something. The pain is so raw and if I can be a friend to just one person it will make me feel so much better. Thank you all!

[Eagle-96]

7 minutes ago, chasnrosa said:

If anyone ever needs someone to listen on here, I will be there for them. You guys have all helped so much. I don't even know any of you personally and you Help me so much.

That's what we are all here for. We don't know each other and probably couldn't pick each other out of a lineup but we are ALL part of the same club. We all share a deep grief and we are family. The deal is that we carry those who can't carry themselves and know that everyone on the forum would do the same for us.

[Lulu]

It's so true that people just go back to their own lives and they don't  have trouble moving on while we are still stuck in the same place, trying to make sense of it all. When my Lily passed away earlier this year, people said I'll be there for you or let's stay in touch but if I am not the one reaching out to them first, then I don't hear from them at all. I am extremely shy so this makes it even more difficult. Then add to it that I think to myself if they haven't reached out to me, they must be busy with their own lives and so I don't want to be interrupt their lives and bring them down. So after trying a couple of times, I've now resigned myself to just mourn by myself. Even most of my family don't reach out to me. I have my mom but I try not to talk too much about how sad I am because it makes her sad. So yeah, it's tough when you see others moving on, laughing and having a good time when deep inside you feel so much pain, sadness, and loneliness and have to put on a happy face, especially at work. If it wasn't for this community where I've been able to express myself and what I can't say to others, I don't know where I'd be right now.

[chasnrosa]

Lulu,

I agree completely. And I actually realized today that this is how I was. His mom passed away last year and his sister was devastated. Before this happened, I would try and move on and wouldn't think of other's suffering because it didn't directly impact me. I mean, I've lost 3 grandparents and an aunt. But the loss of the grandparents was expected because they were older. The aunt wasn't expected but I was not close to her. I look back and feel so selfish. If I can at least help one person I will be happy. If I can be there for just one person.  Sorry, I'm rambling. Lulu, if you need someone to talk to, just reach out. I'll be there. I'm sorry for your loss.  Its not fair to any of us.  

[KMB]

I feel we can all agree that losing our soul mates is the worst that can happen to us.Individually, we feel alone, lonely and empty. But yet, collectively, the feelings are universal.

Auto insurance will help us with a vehicle. House insurance will do likewise. Life insurance does not bring back a life. How incongruous is that?

[Francine]

9 hours ago, chasnrosa said:

It's been 9 days. I'm up and down. I've been angry a lot. My mom, sister, daughter, and dad call me daily to make sure I'm okay. But what about his kids?  What about friends?  They don't call. So they care?  I go on Facebook and there's no posts about him. My posts are about him and grieving. I can't do this. Nights are okay for some weird reasons but I wake up empty and lost.  My dogs and cats are even feeling his loss. I just feel like an empty shell. Why is everyone but my immediate family not caring?  I'm so angry some days. Sometimes I don't want to wake up to deal with it all. But I would NEVER EVER put my kid through that. I was robbed by cancer. Its all just complete and utter nonsense.  I just had to rant and rave and I apologize. Thanks to anyone listening. 

I know what you are feeling; I felt the same way.  Those *so-call* friends of ours that said they'd be checking up on me - well I haven't heard from them. One in particular left a message with my son stating that I knew how to reach her in case I wanted to talk.  Hell, I'm the one who lost my husband and I need to all you?  I don't think so.  At first I was *pissed* and thought the hell with all of them.   My Charles always told me not to blame people for disappointing me, blame myself for expecting too much from them. 

I've since began to grow thick skin; I'm not shocked when people let me down nowadays; I hate the fact that I put myself in a position to be let down in the first place.  For it is during the worst times in our lives that we will get to see the true colors of our so-call friends who say they care for us.  If these *so-called* friends won't lift a finger to call you, see you, or with all the social media, reach out to you, than just maybe you need to make some changes in your life - them being one of them.

 

[chasnrosa]

Francine, I wish I could just move you in with me. You are such a great comfort. I just can't stop crying. Thank you, Francine. 

[alone and lost]

I was thinking about this today, too.  I lost my husband in July. My sister and mother check with my regularly and a few close friends of mine text me often.  My husband had a lot of friends and none of them have called or stopped by to see how I am doing.  Most of them said to call if I needed anything, but I think they were just being polite, and I am not one to initiate a call to ask for anything.  I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself (AGAIN) today but I am feeling so alone and isolated.  I heard today that the husband of a friend from long ago passed away about 3 weeks after my husband, and I am reaching out to her, maybe we can help each other cope with our losses. I probably wouldn't have reached out to her before, but now I know what she is going through.  But I still feel like you do, why did so many people forget so quickly when I am so miserable?

[Ka9219]

I think people don't forget about us, they just keep going with their lives, for us our lives totally change but for them it remains the same, is not their fault, neither is ours I think is part of grieve. 

[Eagle-96]

6 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I think people don't forget about us, they just keep going with their lives, for us our lives totally change but for them it remains the same, is not their fault, neither is ours I think is part of grieve. 

You're right. People go on with their own lives. We are all the lead actor in our own play called life. Everyone else is a bit player. We move on with our own worries and cares and don't think much of those that grieve. Before 04/01/17 I was guilty of this as well. On that day I moved from sympathy to empathy. It's funny how changing just three little letters in those two words can make all of the difference in the the world. Three letters that change us so drastically. They open our eyes to an entirely new existence. It is a new knowledge that we would give anything to not have. BUT, it affords us a wonderful gift to be able to help others. We now have the ability to assist others we come across that are starting their journey. We can hopefully make their road a little easier and help to carry them when they can't make it themselves. So I don't begrudge people who disappear and leave me. It's not their fault that our lives shine the light on the ultimate pain in life. It's human nature for people to want to distance themselves from the reminder of losing a spouse. I sure didn't want to think about losing Lori. It also allows me to hold close those that are truly in my corner. Sort of like separating the chaff from the wheat.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, chasnrosa said:

It's been 9 days. I'm up and down. I've been angry a lot. My mom, sister, daughter, and dad call me daily to make sure I'm okay. But what about his kids?  What about friends?  They don't call. So they care?  I go on Facebook and there's no posts about him. My posts are about him and grieving. I can't do this. Nights are okay for some weird reasons but I wake up empty and lost.  My dogs and cats are even feeling his loss. I just feel like an empty shell. Why is everyone but my immediate family not caring?  I'm so angry some days. Sometimes I don't want to wake up to deal with it all. But I would NEVER EVER put my kid through that. I was robbed by cancer. Its all just complete and utter nonsense.  I just had to rant and rave and I apologize. Thanks to anyone listening. 

I'm sorry, but that was my experience too.  All our friends disappeared, so did his family.  My immediate family called now and then, my children eventually tapered off too as is normal when they are adults and have their own families.  It's hard.  I found this was something I was left pretty much on my own to deal with.  I made a new friend, she lost her husband a few years later, we could talk with each other, it helped, but now she's moved back to TX and remarried and I'm alone again.  I'm working on making new friends but it's slow go esp. at this age as everyone already has their "friend set".  I keep trying, what else can we do.  You have us to talk to and vent to, we understand, many of us having gone through this too.

[Azipod]

What you are experiencing is absolutely normal.   "Friends" will attend the funeral, but their mourning stops the moment they leave the service.  They go on, and go back to their normal life ... the life they had just before they came into the service.     The survivors of the loved one who passed, are the ones who are left in sadness and they will continue to grieve.

I did not get a single call either before or after the service from "friends" on my side.   Two close friends of my wife reached out to me after the service, which I greatly appreciated.  But that's about it.    I have a solid support system from family on both sides, which I am grateful for.    

But yes, it's normal for "friends" to move on with their life.    Our problem is not theirs.  

[chasnrosa]

Our problem is not theirs. That's so messed up. Its not just friends. Its his kids. They keep laughing and calling him "old man."  "Rest in peace, old man."  WTF?   You never called him that before. And his ex wife. Ugh. I have the memorial Saturday at 11. I am actually dreading it. Is that normal?  I mean we were together for almost 10 years. I raised his kids for five of those years before they decided to move with their mom. I'm just so freaking lost. So much anger. What if they say something that I don't like at the memorial?  

[Eagle-96]

Memorial services are hard enough without having to worry about people making crude or mean comments. I am sorry you have this worry upon you. Just surround yourself with those you are closest to and don't allow the others to make the service about them.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, chasnrosa said:

Our problem is not theirs. That's so messed up. Its not just friends. Its his kids. They keep laughing and calling him "old man."  "Rest in peace, old man."  WTF?   You never called him that before. And his ex wife. Ugh. I have the memorial Saturday at 11. I am actually dreading it. Is that normal?  I mean we were together for almost 10 years. I raised his kids for five of those years before they decided to move with their mom. I'm just so freaking lost. So much anger. What if they say something that I don't like at the memorial?  

I am so sorry.  His kids should not be disrespecting him, do you know where that's coming from, is it his ex-wife's influence?  That is very sad.  I would call them on it if I heard them.  You will be in my prayers Saturday.  I think it's normal to feel uncertainty about the service, we aren't sure how things will go.  My husband's service went very well, except for my mom standing up saying inappropriate things, but then she was nuts and known to do that, no stopping her.  But other than that, it went very well, the place was packed with people from the mayor to the homeless, George touched everyone's lives.  Even the person that conducted the service (our pastor went on vacation like nothing happened the day after he died so we got a former pastor & friend to do the service) worked out for the best, George would have loved it, it was done with sensitivity.  I hope all goes well for you.

I like Sean's advice.

[chasnrosa]

KayC,

I don't know where it's coming from. From what I heard, his ex has life insurance on him and is going to collect big time. His ex and him were together for 17 years and have two children together and he raised her oldest son. They had a really bad divorce and basically she didnt want the kids, even her own biological son, and wanted the house, cats, etc. instead. I helped him raise them for five years and then she moved into town and he wanted out of town so we moved and the kids stayed with her.  I don't know. They didn't really come around when we moved even though we weren't far. They didn't call a lot either. I honestly think it was because of me. I tried my best with them but they are spoiled brats. His son was fine but his daughter was a wild child. And of course I have a daughter not much younger than them. I guess I'm just hurt that they're just moving on and I'm stuck. I don't know. I just need to get through Saturday. Thanks, KayC, for thinking of me. I appreciate it so much. Everyone on here has been such a huge help. Hugs to everyone. 

[M88]

I'm so sorry for your loss, chasnrosa - hugs.  I'm also sorry for the disrespect being shown your late husband and your worries about the service tomorrow.  Unless you are asked by others to proof-read their proposed readings, there is no controlling what others choose to say.  But, please try not to stress, as step family or not, most adults would not say anything silly that could cause offense.  

I suggest doing as eagle advises, surround yourself with those you are closest to.  

We will be with you in spirit and here for you afterwards.

Sending strength, love and hugs Xx

[M88]

I'd just like to add that I too have adult step children.  Don't be surprised if possessions and finances are at the forefront of some minds.  In hindsight, when contronted about these issues on two occassions within days of my hubby's horrific death,  I wish I had been in a state of mind to tell them to show some respect. 

[Eagle-96]

7 hours ago, M88 said:

I'd just like to add that I too have adult step children.  Don't be surprised if possessions and finances are at the forefront of some minds.  In hindsight, when contronted about these issues on two occassions within days of my hubby's horrific death,  I wish I had been in a state of mind to tell them to show some respect. 

Death brings out compassion and love in most people. But, it also brings out greed and pettiness in others. It never ceases to amaze me how people see death as an opportunity for gain. To them, feelings go right out the window. I have been blessed that I haven't had to experience that with Lori's passing. I have seen it with other deaths though and it can get quite ugly. People seem to think they are owed something after death. It's the "what do I get out of it" mentality. But, as with a lot of things we see in this experience, it is an opportunity to find out who is really on our side. One day I am gonna make a list of things that people just don't understand about grief. I think I'm up to 2,884,367,345 now.

[Lulu]

9 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Death brings out compassion and love in most people. But, it also brings out greed and pettiness in others. It never ceases to amaze me how people see death as an opportunity for gain. To them, feelings go right out the window. I have been blessed that I haven't had to experience that with Lori's passing. I have seen it with other deaths though and it can get quite ugly. People seem to think they are owed something after death. It's the "what do I get out of it" mentality. But, as with a lot of things we see in this experience, it is an opportunity to find out who is really on our side. One day I am gonna make a list of things that people just don't understand about grief. I think I'm up to 2,884,367,345 now.

Yes, I have experienced this entitlement from some of Lily's family. It made me so sad. I wanted to say so badly, is that all you care about? what you will get/gain from her tragedy? Although they didn't fight me on it, some did express their disappointment that I would dare want to keep a couple things that I had given her due to sentimental reasons. Those things meant something to me because they made her so happy when I gave them to her and they remind me of those moments, while to them they are just possessions that may or may not be worth something. I bite my tongue because I don't want any additional problems and because I know despite their flaws, Lily loved them dearly.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

One day I am gonna make a list of things that people just don't understand about grief. I think I'm up to 2,884,367,345 now.

No doubt!

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Lulu said:

Although they didn't fight me on it, some did express their disappointment that I would dare want to keep a couple things that I had given her due to sentimental reasons.

You should have gotten everything and it should be up to you to decide if someone else gets something.  

[Lulu]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

You should have gotten everything and it should be up to you to decide if someone else gets something.  

I know and agree, but then that would just add to the drama. And I didn't want them to discover the truth about our relationship. I know it would change their opinions about Lily and she was too sweet and kind to have anyone think negatively about her. It would hurt me too much. I kept what was important to me and every card she ever gave me, and those things mean more to me than all the money in the world!

[Eagle-96]

9 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I know and agree, but then that would just add to the drama. And I didn't want them to discover the truth about our relationship. I know it would change their opinions about Lily and she was too sweet and kind to have anyone think negatively about her. It would hurt me too much. I kept what was important to me and every card she ever gave me, and those things mean more to me than all the money in the world!

To know that one sentence from you would change what everyone thinks about the relationship. Knowing how much better it would make things for you. Yet you honor Lilly in not telling anyone. I have A LOT of admiration for you and the courage it takes to do that. I am sure Lilly would be proud of you.

[Lulu]

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

To know that one sentence from you would change what everyone thinks about the relationship. Knowing how much better it would make things for you. Yet you honor Lilly in not telling anyone. I have A LOT of admiration for you and the courage it takes to do that. I am sure Lilly would be proud of you.

Thank you. This brought tears to my eyes. Yes, it may be easier to just come forth, after all Lily is not here to experience the judgement but I don't want her memory to be tarnished in anyway. I want those she loved, but who wouldn't understand, to keep the memory of what a sweet, kind, generous, and joyful person she was forever untarnished. It's hard, but I can take it. Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

[SweetBear]

On 8/24/2017 at 11:32 AM, chasnrosa said:

Our problem is not theirs. That's so messed up. Its not just friends. Its his kids. They keep laughing and calling him "old man."  "Rest in peace, old man."  WTF?   You never called him that before. And his ex wife. Ugh. I have the memorial Saturday at 11. I am actually dreading it. Is that normal?  I mean we were together for almost 10 years. I raised his kids for five of those years before they decided to move with their mom. I'm just so freaking lost. So much anger. What if they say something that I don't like at the memorial?  

Having just gotten through Bev's memorial last Sunday, I just kept telling myself I was doing it for her and nobody else. 

And getting there, seeing it was something she'd have been horrified to see didn't help matters any. Plenty was said that I just sat shaking my head. They didn't know her. 

But I made it through, granted it was even worse than I expected, but I think you'll manage to do it too. Stay strong for the love you shared.

[chasnrosa]

Ugh. I'll be okay, I think. Wish me luck, everyone. I'll let you know how it goes. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Lulu said:

I know and agree, but then that would just add to the drama. And I didn't want them to discover the truth about our relationship. I know it would change their opinions about Lily and she was too sweet and kind to have anyone think negatively about her. It would hurt me too much. I kept what was important to me and every card she ever gave me, and those things mean more to me than all the money in the world!

I understand that, I know that's your reason for not coming out to them.  It'll be a good day when our society doesn't judge people for being who they are.  I have a niece I am so proud of for coming out, but she did so when she was about to graduate from a conservative Christian College, and I was so scared they would kick her out and refuse to transfer her credits, rendering her education invalid...I'm glad she ended up getting her degree and that didn't happen.  It's scary what can happen.  That you protect Lily even still is commendable, I know it's harder for you suffering in silence.  I'm glad you're able to pour your heart out to us and hope you always remember, we're here, and we're listening and care.

[KayC]

chasnrosa,

You're in my thoughts and prayers, let us know how it goes...

[June]

It's helping me to read this and realize that it's not just me that feels abandoned.  
Without my sister and her family,  I'd be totally alone.   
An aunt and uncle live next door & my uncle was his best friend here.  I walk down to see them a couple days a week.  They don't come to see me.  Or even call to see if I'm ok.  Like with all of you, everyone says "you know where we are - or how to reach us - if you need us".  
 

Sometimes I feel more love from random people we had met than family and friends.  Like yesterday I was at lunch with my sister and niece  at a place where my husband and I had gone often.  The people there had always been so kind and helpful to us - helping hold the door while I helped him inside, coming to our table to speak to him, etc.  So yesterday I went to refill my drink cup and the general manager & day manager were standing nearby.  They stopped me and asked how I was.  I told them about my loss.  They had seen me with other people and were wondering where he was - cause we were always together.  They were wanting to come to the table to speak but didn't want to intrude.  (I had been in once when he was in the hospital and the manager had asked then about him - saying they had never seen me without him - and I explained then that he was very ill).   Since we went EVERYWHERE together, people at stores and restaurants were used to seeing us together.  Now when I go in one of those places (even Lowe's ) they notice.  These people really cared about him - and me.  They are so kind.

[EternalFlames]

People tend to drop like flies after. There's this wave of initial support and emotional outpour around the time of the death and funeral, when everyone is mourning and people are concerned for you. But then it quickly fades away within weeks. It never lasts.

The reality is most people are self-absorbed. They are touched by your pain, at first, but then they get back to their own lives. Something new just came out on Netflix, after all, and there's a sale at so-and-so store!

If you want the support of immediate family and close friends (and you'll probably need it at first), I find it helps to take the lead. Go to them and tell them what they can do for you. Ask someone to come over and talk to you for an hour, or ask someone to help you out around the house on a certain day, or whatever you need. They do care about you and will be glad to help. They just got distracted by their own lives and forgot to think about you. Or they're walking on egg shells and afraid to say or do the wrong thing, choosing to stay away instead. Just remind them, and be direct about what will help you.

 

[KMB]

8 hours ago, EternalFlames said:

Just remind them, and be direct about what will help you.

I ended up having to do that with a couple people. It is also a way of finding out who the true friends are and that also includes family, unfortunately.

[KMB]

10 hours ago, June said:

  These people really cared about him - and me.  They are so kind.

I've found that to be so true also. Random people from local places. They have more generosity and kindness than the ones we expected those things from.

[KMB]

chasnrosa, I thought of you today. I hope the service went well for you and people were on their best behavior in honor of your husband.

[chasnrosa]

It went well. I don't think I stopped crying though. I didn't really function very well after the memorial. There was a lunch and I didn't stay long. I just couldn't. Ugh. There was a lot more people than I thought and everyone said such nice things. It was nice but very hard. And oddly enough,  I don't know if others experienced this, but I found stuff out that I didn't know. I know he was married twice before but didn't know the first wife. I found out that he has two other kids. He told me before that they weren't his because of the time frame so I don't know. It just disturbs me a little. We had a "modern" family though. He was 18 years older than me and may have had kids that were a little younger than me. It's just weird and some of the info bothers me. But it was nice. 

[KMB]

chasnrosa,  I'm relieved the service went well for you and that the turn out was more than you expected. It speaks well of your husband, how many lives he touched.  I'm sorry about the things you found out. Sometimes, that happens, even though I don't feel a service is where they should be brought up. But, then again, with a collection of people, things are bound to be said that come out, not intentionally, but just making conversation and the assumption that everyone "knows".

[chasnrosa]

Thanks kmb. It was just weird. I don't know. He told me stuff and I find out different stuff about him. 

[KMB]

chasnrosa, Just hang onto the belief that you knew him the best and he told you the truth.

[Eagle-96]

Glad everything went as well as could be expected. To me, Lori's service and the reception afterwards were a blur. Much like everything else the first month, I was in the fog. I'm sorry you had to hear things that were tough to take. People just don't seem to have the decorum to know what to say and when. I guess some people see it as their last chance to get their digs in at someone. And yet again, another thing people don't understand about our grief journey.

[KayC]

chasnrosa,

Like KMB said, you knew him the best and I don't think he would have denied his kids had there been a possibility they were his.  He could have had a DNA test and settled it had he entertained the possibility of their being his.  As Sean said, this wasn't the time or place for someone to bring it up.  Hold onto the person you knew.  I'm glad you made it through it.  George's service was good but it was nice having it behind me too, it's very hard, very emotional.

[chasnrosa]

Nobody told me any of this stuff. It was all in the program thing. It was just weird. Am I dwelling on it too much?  And what if he lied to me?  I mean, it's too late now but still. It doesn't hurt my feelings but it does make me wonder. And makes me uncomfortable. What else didn't he tell me or lied about?  Ugh. 

[Eagle-96]

25 minutes ago, chasnrosa said:

Nobody told me any of this stuff. It was all in the program thing. It was just weird. Am I dwelling on it too much?  And what if he lied to me?  I mean, it's too late now but still. It doesn't hurt my feelings but it does make me wonder. And makes me uncomfortable. What else didn't he tell me or lied about?  Ugh. 

Dwelling on things is our new stock-in-trade. I wouldn't worry about dwelling. This is something you need to work through and it will take as much time as you need. None of these revelations change the love you shared. NONE of them. I am sorry you have to deal with this on top of grieving.

[KayC]

Sean is right.  none of this changes the love you shared.

When I was married to my kids' dad (23 years) I found out he'd been smoking all that time, and lying to me about it.  It really shook up my world!  It destroyed my trust, my respect for him...not because of the smoking, but because of the lying to me about it.  I thought, if he can't tell me something as innocuous as this, I sure couldn't count on him to tell me the big stuff!  I got counseling, it didn't help.  I was helping with our youth group and one day I was sitting talking with the youth pastor, we'd become friends as we'd worked together a couple of years, and I told him what I was going through.  He told me he understood my husband, that if he was struggling with something he could tell me about it but not his wife.  I asked him why, that he should be able to tell his wife anything!  He said something that stayed with me all these years, he said, "Because I don't care what you think.  But I DO care what she thinks!  I want her to think well of me!"  I still don't agree with this logic  but it helped me understand that some men think this way.  If they think it will change your view of them, they might keep it to themselves...not because they don't care about their spouse, but because they value their spouse' opinion so much!

It's too late to ask him questions now, but you do know one thing, he loved and cared about you above anyone else.  You can rest assured that whatever took place in his life, whether he told you everything or not, he made his decisions based on one thing...how much he loved and valued you and your opinion of him.

[KMB]

Sean and KayC----- Great responses, you both said it so well!

[M88]

Hi chasnrosa, I am glad your husbands send off went well and you got through it ok. It's such a difficult and emotional time to get through.  There was a huge turnout at my late hubbys funeral and I came away feeling a mixture of emotions - shame being one of them because of the stupid, weird things two of his kids said in their readings - things more suited to a lads 21st party.  It was like they didn't know my hubby at all - but that's another story.   

My heart goes out to you as I can only imagine the shock at seeing two other children's names written in the service sheet.  I see from what you wrote, your husband had spoken with you of the children at some stage.  I understand why you are dwelling on it.  The need to know the truth is one thing I've learnt needs to be addressed or the dwelling keeps us stuck and prevents healing.  Is there a chance that he may have adopted these children or perhaps they were from an earlier relationship of his first wife, and he chose to raise them as his own?  

In my country, the information required for a death certificate is gleaned at the first visit to the funeral home.  In my case the funeral director I chose, without my knowledge and despite me being the one who signed had minutes before signed the contract to pay for my darlings funeral, got information from one of my step children whilst I was in with hubby.  It later took 5 death certificates (granted the couriers lost the first one) before all the correct information was recorded on it.  On top of everything else, this was a very painful and frustrating time, but what I am trying to say is - known children and previous relationships are recorded on a death certificate in my country.  But, a child's name on a death certificate is not proof of parentage.  I'm aghast at how carelessly information can be noted on such a legal document.  And yes, I had words with the funeral director and explained there will be many blended families coming through his doors in the not too distant future.  

Chasnrosa, you may form a desire to meet and get to know these these children if it turns out they are indeed your husbands.  They may be lovely people who genuinely want to learn more about their Dad and yourself.  Only you will come to know what you want to do, for you, at the right time.  I've learnt that you must put your needs first.  

Sadly, my blended family fell apart very soon after my late hubby's death.  I'd felt ee had all built up a good relationships over  22 years together.  I loved my step kids and put their needs before my own when my hubby was killed, included them in every decision regarding their Dad's funeral and made sure they didn't have to put their hands in their pockets to pay for anything, but it seems it wasn't enough.  Greed quickly raised it's ugly head and it just hasn't let up, yet they're all far better financially off than I am. They aren't the people I thought they were and I've grieved the loss of them too.  I know my late hubby would be very disappointed with their behaviour, but not surprised.  I'd be in a right state if not for my own two kids who loved my late hubby, gave him their time, and wonderful friends who continue to support me. 

Chasnrosa, know that your husband choose to spend the rest of his life with you.  Treasure every aspect of the love and the relationship you had with him.  And if you need to find out the truth to get some peace, do so. 

Sending strength, hugs and love Xx

[Eagle-96]

5 hours ago, M88 said:

Sadly, my blended family fell apart very soon after my late hubby's death.  I'd felt ee had all built up a good relationships over  22 years together.  I loved my step kids and put their needs before my own when my hubby was killed, included them in every decision regarding their Dad's funeral and made sure they didn't have to put their hands in their pockets to pay for anything, but it seems it wasn't enough.  Greed quickly raised it's ugly head and it just hasn't let up, yet they're all far better financially off than I am. They aren't the people I thought they were and I've grieved the loss of them too.  I know my late hubby would be very disappointed with their behaviour, but not surprised.  I'd be in a right state if not for my own two kids who loved my late hubby, gave him their time, and wonderful friends who continue to support me. 

The grief of losing your soulmate is so very very hard and then to have this blow dealt to you on top of that is unimaginable. So strange how we think we know people. We think we are close to them. We believe they are genuine. And then we see their true colors. We now view them as they truly are. It breaks my heart when people see dollar signs in times like this. I understand someone wanting a memento of our spouse or a keepsake that meant a lot to them. But when people see the death as a chance for personal gain it makes my blood boil. It also makes me question our character judgement. I mean, how could we have read someone so wrong. Not to mention making it harder for us to trust as completely anymore. I think I'm gonna make this my mantra but, "Yet another thing people don't know we deal with in our grief". 

[M88]

We always knew we couldn't trust Gerry's adopted daughter but that didn't stop us loving her.  We just didn't leave her in our home, alone.  The youngest boys (36 yr old) attitude has surprised me the most.  I lost respect for him after two phone calls in which he dropped so many hints about how expensive his upcoming wedding was going to cost.  I ignored the repeated hints and agreed with him and said yes, weddings are very expensive, especially when your having it overseas.   Perhpas you should elope like your Dad and I had thought of doing.  I guess this is a case of blood being thicker than water.  I will still give them some of Hubby's things when I've got the time, and am ready to sort his garages out.  That is what my darling would want me to do.  

I suspect they think there might be a big reparation payout coming if we get a conviction but in our country reparation for killing someone with your careless driving is minimal - around 10k - wouldn't even cover the costs incurred when someone dies, let alone buy a headstone or pay the lawyers fees.  When I realized we needed a lawyer,  my suggestion of us all chipping in to pay one was met with a deafening silence.  No doubt the same silence would occur if I suggest we all chip in for his headstone too.  

I do miss my grandchildren though and when their parents and I fell out, I asked them to please tell the children the truth about why I cant be in their lives any more.

They grandchildren won't forget all our fun times while growing up.  And I feel they'll return to me later on.  Counsellors tell me very few blended families can remain intacked after the death of a parent.  

Eagle, so true what you say about making it harder to trust other people. My stepdaughter has started phoning a good friend of Gerry's whom she hardly knows.  Fishing for info on what's happening in my life and I find myself not confiding in that friend now. She can charm a man very easily.  Who knows, she may be working her way through all our friends.  

There is so very much people don't know about grief caused by the loss of a soul mate.  I think a lot compare it to a break up, as if !!!