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I lost my mother unexpectedly almost 2 months ago. She was 49, im 22... 

i saw her in her bed the morning she passed.... I thought she was sleeping... so I closed her door and went about my day.... but she wasn't sleeping.. 

i still remember them carrying her body down stairs so we could say our final good byes.. 

 

it doesn't feel real. I still don't feel like she passed away.. I cry at the thought of her dying, not her actual death. I'm scared what will happen to me when it finally hits me that I'll never hug my mom again.. I'm scared how I'll react. I have moments of parailzation , moments where I can't breath and time just stops. 

 

Im scared for my dad... they were married 28 years. I'm scared that he won't be able to go on. Im scared to lose him too. I'm scared for my father to spend the rest of his years alone.. they had retirement plans and a bright future. 

I try to talk to my dad and closen our relationship like my mom and I had... hoping this will feel normal... since I have someone to share my day with. But it doesn't. I don't get the same tender reaction that my mother gave me. 

She was my best friend..

 

Is it bad that I hate the cops that called me that day. Is is bad that I have hatred toward everyone from her dr who didn't do more to control my moms seizures, to the medical examiner that took my moms body away from me.. 

 

when will I come with relization that my mother is not just on an extended vacation. But that my life changed forever.. 

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Dear kimberleylyn,

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.  You are still in shock.  I was in shock for 3 months when my mom died.  I couldn't believe it was real?  Plus she was ill so we were told a week before she wasn't going to make it.  When she actually died I couldn't believe it.  How can someone who brought you into the world and who has always been there be gone forever?  Almost 7 moths later now I realise she has gone but its still hard and I am depressed and angry too.  For you its a brutal shock and it may last much longer as she was young.  I too felt paralysed.  Sometimes I still do,  its hard to motivate myself to do anything.  I know thats depression though.  No one can replace a mother.  I know talking to your dad is not the same, he is grieving too in a different way.  In time though when things settle, I very much hope you will build a close bond with him and be able to talk openly with him and he'll be there for you.  I have heard this happen a few times with others who loose their mom.  Even with people that weren't close to their dads before.  Over time they develop a closeness.  He needs time as you do to get used to life without your mom.  I am sorry I can't offer much.  The best we can hope for is as time goes on we get used to a new way of being in the world without our moms.  I am so sorry you lost her so young.  Someone said to me, your mom is always there because you carry her around with you in your veins, she made you, you are part of her forever.  it doesn't help with how much we miss our moms sadly but they are in us forever and we can honour them every day by being a decent human being.  I feel angry and lost too.  I try though to be here for others because I know what it feels like to be alone.  We are listening and reading your words Kimberleylyn.

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hugoc   

Dear Kimberlynn01

It´s hard when your mom was your best friend, I feel the same about my dad, it´s been 4 months withoug him and I feel so alone, it was special to feel that even when we were not in the same place, I knew he was nearby and alive. I feel the same about life, I wish my father hadn´t passed away, everyday I wish that he would return home and talk to me. This 4 months have been really tough, there are some days that I try to have little moments of peace, just to survive the present day, do something I liked before like little treats to survive the day, some other dayrs are more difficult and I think about him and all the special moments and they seem endless. I think that having them as our best friends is something that not everyone has and probably is what make it more painful, because it´s a bond that nothing will ever change it. I also feel sorry about my mom, they have a lot of plans for the future, even near future and they are gone. I am sorry about your loss. 

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Dani1030   

Kimberlynn01,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am going through the same thing as you. I lost my mom suddenly a week ago. She was 60 and I am 30. She was a bit older than your mom, but was healthy so it doesn't make sense. She was my best friend. I am lost. I know she is gone, but I think deep down, I am waiting for her to come back.

I also worry about my dad. My parents were together for 40 years and he swears he has nothing left. I am afraid he is going to let himself go, and I will be left alone. My brother and his family live out of state, so it is just my dad and I. We have a different relationship from what my mother and I had. We are close, but don't share things the same way that my mother and I did.

Yesterday we seemed to have an okay day, but today is different. We have nothing to say, nothing to do. I've not cried, but I just don't feel anything. I know we will have good days and we will have bad days, but I don't know how I can handle these kinds of days.

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