Grief & Brain trauma

[M88]

KayC I found it interesting that you mentioned 'brain trauma' in another thread yesterday.  With the horrendous ongoing nightmares after Gerry was killed (they are lessening now thank god!)  I've never doubted that our brains can be badly affected by our grief.  Out of curiosity I've just googled grief and brain trauma and at a glance, the subject seems to have been well studied and documented and I look forward to learning more about it when I have more free time.  

Whilst on a recent car journey with my daughter I was trying, and failing miserably, to explain to her that I have experienced this ongoing sense  of 'unreality' connected to grief in the past.  It was after having a TIA a few years ago.  I suffered memory loss of the past two or three years prior to the TIA , so it was a very confusing, weird time for both Gerry and I.  It happened at home on our smallholding during a time of major flooding.  Apparently I looked out the window, saw the paddocks underwater and got very concerned about my cows and calves because I couldn't see them.  When I was told that we'd sold them and wee farm because I'd damaged my back badly and couldn't farm anymore, I wouldn't believe it  - I'd never sell my beautiful breeding cows !  Anyways, I was carted off to hospital for MRI's & a barrage of tests.  My memory took a long time to recover and some parts haven't come back.  I grieved for the loss of my cows, my farming lifestyle, lived with the sense of 'this can't be true' 'this can't be happening to us' and sadly I didn't trust Gerry like I used to whilst undergoing these life changing events.  He even looked different but everything else about him was the same.  It was a bit of a trying time for us both. 

It's a similar kind of 'unrealistic' sense I live with now, but on a much deeper and longer lasting level because this time it's Gerry who is gone and I didn't see him go either - didn't see him die.  Saw him at the funeral home twice and again he looked so different - not the real Gerry I loved.   The aftermath of his death, worsened by the battles my daughter & I have had to fight with uncaring, incompetent professional people, to learn the truth about why Gerry was killed, all seems unreal at times too.  I feel sharp as a tack at meetings with these people and have become very assertive but afterwards I sometimes need to ask myself 'did that really just take place? 

I'm sure most of us live through these feelings of 'can't be real' during the first few months but what about those of you many months out from your loss?  Gerry was killed 19 months ago and thr trial of the man that killed him is coming up in October. 

 

[Eagle-96]

57 minutes ago, M88 said:

KayC I found it interesting that you mentioned 'brain trauma' in another thread yesterday.  With the horrendous ongoing nightmares after Gerry was killed (they are lessening now thank god!)  I've never doubted that our brains can be badly affected by our grief.  Out of curiosity I've just googled grief and brain trauma and at a glance, the subject seems to have been well studied and documented and I look forward to learning more about it when I have more free time.  

Whilst on a recent car journey with my daughter I was trying, and failing miserably, to explain to her that I have experienced this ongoing sense  of 'unreality' connected to grief in the past.  It was after having a TIA a few years ago.  I suffered memory loss of the past two or three years prior to the TIA , so it was a very confusing, weird time for both Gerry and I.  It happened at home on our smallholding during a time of major flooding.  Apparently I looked out the window, saw the paddocks underwater and got very concerned about my cows and calves because I couldn't see them.  When I was told that we'd sold them and wee farm because I'd damaged my back badly and couldn't farm anymore, I wouldn't believe it  - I'd never sell my beautiful breeding cows !  Anyways, I was carted off to hospital for MRI's & a barrage of tests.  My memory took a long time to recover and some parts haven't come back.  I grieved for the loss of my cows, my farming lifestyle, lived with the sense of 'this can't be true' 'this can't be happening to us' and sadly I didn't trust Gerry like I used to whilst undergoing these life changing events.  He even looked different but everything else about him was the same.  It was a bit of a trying time for us both. 

It's a similar kind of 'unrealistic' sense I live with now, but on a much deeper and longer lasting level because this time it's Gerry who is gone and I didn't see him go either - didn't see him die.  Saw him at the funeral home twice and again he looked so different - not the real Gerry I loved.   The aftermath of his death, worsened by the battles my daughter & I have had to fight with uncaring, incompetent professional people, to learn the truth about why Gerry was killed, all seems unreal at times too.  I feel sharp as a tack at meetings with these people and have become very assertive but afterwards I sometimes need to ask myself 'did that really just take place? 

I'm sure most of us live through these feelings of 'can't be real' during the first few months but what about those of you many months out from your loss?  Gerry was killed 19 months ago and thr trial of the man that killed him is coming up in October. 

 

First off. I can imagine the upcoming trial is a worrisome time for you. I will be praying that you find the strength to endure it. 

I am a firm believer in the analogy of grief to brain trauma. It's as if we don't cognitively function the same way anymore. My SIL and I had this very discussion this weekend. She will hear entire conversations and have to ask that they be repeated. She will go somewhere and not have a clue as to why she went. For me, it's different than the initial fog and numbness. I will look into the studies as I was not aware that it had been widely studied. 

[KayC]

I can think of nothing that physically assails us quite like brain trauma, it affects everything...in the same way, so does grief.  There's no aspect of our life left untouched, nothing that has not been scathed.  

[TooDevastated]

1 hour ago, M88 said:

It's a similar kind of 'unrealistic' sense I live with now, but on a much deeper and longer lasting level because this time it's Gerry who is gone and I didn't see him go either - didn't see him die.  Saw him at the funeral home twice and again he looked so different - not the real Gerry I loved.

I can relate to this so much... I have been living in an alien planet for the last 7 weeks where everything feels different and unrealistic. I sort of expect someone to pop out any moment and tell me all of this has been an awkward cruel joke. I didnt see my Bruce dying either. He was only so young and died of a sudden heart attack. And I too didnt think it was him I saw at the funeral parlour. He looked somewhat odd. It didnt feel like it was him. He was an organ donour so I got to see him only after these procedures and the image of him lying in a casket all lifeless and bruised is haunting me at nights...

But yes...everynight, I keep hoping that I'll wake up in an alternate universe where none of these 7 weeks has happened and where we are still disgustingly happy and in love! Because this version of the world where the person I love and care about the most ceased to exist sucks. Its not real and I dont want to get used to it. 

I hope the best outcome that can be expected from the trial for you. I hope you'll have the strength to go through it. 

[Eagle-96]

22 minutes ago, KayC said:

There's no aspect of our life left untouched, nothing that has not been scathed.  

It's like a nuclear blast going off but we are not killed. Everything around us is twisted and broken. The landscape is barren and burnt. Even when there are signs of new life and things start to grow again it isn't the same as it was. It may look like it is back to normal but it is different.

[KayC]

That's why they refer to this as our "new normal"...only it takes a long time for it to FEEL like that.  In the beginning I hated that term, nothing about my life felt normal at all!.  Only now can I say it because now I've gotten used to this new life, this is now my new normal.

[M88]

Thank you guys, for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  Also for your support re the upcoming trial - hugs. 

That sums it up, eagle - it's like a nuclear blast going off but we aren't killed. 

And once we realize who of the people in our lives are supportive, and let the rest go, we have to do what feels like the impossible and make a life for ourselves out of the ruins.  It is without doubt the hardest thing we will ever do  but do it we must. 

I'm sorry I'm a bit short on words tonight.  I've been shaken by a friend being involved in a road crash yesterday.  It was a shock to recognize her in a video on an internet news site soon after it happened.  She drives a 30 seater school bus and was clipped by a careless driver in large truck. Thank god everyone is ok - a few children have cuts and bruises.  They are very fortunate indeed.  Since Gerry was killed I have a debilitating driving phobia and fear for my family, friends and my own life, on our roads.  We're a small country but have a huge number of fatal and serious road crashes. 

Feel free to post links to interesting articles you find re brain trama & grief.  I'm thinking there will probably have been research done using MRI's by now and should make interesting reading. 

Sending strength, love and hugs X 

[Ka9219]

19 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

He was an organ donour so I got to see him only after these procedures and the image of him lying in a casket all lifeless and bruised is haunting me at nights...

Mario was an organ donor too, and same as you I have been having this "macabres thoughts" as well. I think about the procedure and his dead body and I feel I am losing it...

[KayC]

M88,

I'm sorry your friend had that scare.  My sister had a horrible car crash when I was 15, she was 25.  It killed her 3 year old, her baby was fine, both my sisters sustained brain damage but Donna the worst, she became quadriplegic, crushed pelvis and jaw, and they butchered her vocal chords when they did an emergency tracheotomy so she can't communicate, that is the worst of her injuries as it turns out.

This was a time I should have been learning to drive, it left me petrified, took me years to have the gumption to go for my license.  For many many years, whenever I would see traffic stopped because of an accident ahead, that night came back to haunt me like I was there reliving it.  We (my parents, little sister and I)  had come upon the accident after it happened, seen her car in the road, the baby's bed thrown out amid the broken glass.  This was long before seatbelt laws and carseats.  We heard conflicting reports about whether or not they'd had seatbelts on, but I kind of doubt it as she was thrown from the car and run over by a truck.

Maybe what I experienced was PTSD, but I know all too well the way it grips you and takes you back to that point in time...

[TooDevastated]

3 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Mario was an organ donor too, and same as you I have been having this "macabres thoughts" as well. I think about the procedure and his dead body and I feel I am losing it...

Its SO traumatising to see the person you love the most looking so different than they had been alive isnt it? I thought how different his face looked the eyebrows, nose and lips. Everything was different and odd... 

At times, I seriously doubt if I can bear this pain for long. Its still excruciating after 7 weeks. :/

[KMB]

M88, So sorry hearing of your friend. God was looking out for her and the children on the bus. I can imagine how the accident must have caused you to slide backwards with your memories of Gerry.  Stay strong, my friend. God and Gerry are watching over you.  (HUGS)

[Ka9219]

8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Its SO traumatising to see the person you love the most looking so different than they had been alive isnt it? I thought how different his face looked the eyebrows, nose and lips. Everything was different and odd... 

At times, I seriously doubt if I can bear this pain for long. Its still excruciating after 7 weeks. :/

As he had brain death, he was clinically death even if he was still breathing, so for me was shocking to know that Mario was dead even if he looked just asleep, is hard to understand that "he was dead even if he was breathing" I didn't saw him in the coffin. I didn't want to recall him in that way so I decide not to look at him in that way. But I can't avoid "imagine" his face, his body, the "marks" after the surgery. 

I am heading to the third month and I am feeling worst than ever, reality is a nightmare, some days I accept, some days I deny it. The pain is overwhelming and sometimes I feel I am going crazy.

[M88]

Ka9219 and Too Devastated, my heart aches for you both with your recent losses and having to bear such memories and images.  Under such circumstances it seems what the eye does not see, the mind does a real job on us with the images it creates.  I'd like to offer comfort and hope by sharing that for me, it has been as my grief counsellor, psychologist and other grieving folk have suggested - with time and talking about the death, these very distressing memories and images have become a less intense and invasive.  We are easily triggered again, but I think the period of distress will get shorter - that we won't go back to square one of our grief. 

Like your generous thoughtful husbands, my darling was registered as a donor but he was gone before he got to hospital.  His post mortem report shows he was too damaged anyway. 

My darlings hands were not damaged and still as big, manly and beautiful as ever.  When I viewed his body I remember thinking I just need to remember his lovely hands and how they felt in mine.  I can still feel how wonderful his hand felt in mine from the time he reached out to hold mine in a protective way whilst crossing a busy city street over 23 years ago.  Must have felt pretty good to him too as at dinner that night he said he was about to say something silly - 'he was in love with me'  

The period between shock wearing off and reality trying to set in, is very difficult.  It's at this time we have to learn what coping strategies work for ourselves and when you most need them.  With our loss of interest in former activities, outings, tv and reading for pleasure, there's no denying it's tough.  Healing and acceptance evolves slowly - much too slowly for all of us.  You have both come to the forum early in your grief and we will do what we can to support you through this tough time.  I was late coming here but have found reading older posts (using the search function)  helpful.  You learn others who felt their intense pain and heartache will be with them for the rest of their days, that they'll never feel peace or an iota of joy again have found the pain does ease and little glimpses of pleasure start occurring. 

Oh god, KayC - what that must have done to the 15 year old you, to you and all your family !!  - hugs.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if you and all your family suffered from PTSD.   I so understand your reluctance to drive and am so glad you overcome your fear.   As regards the term 'new normal' I don't like or use it  - yet.  

If the student that received the worst injury on the bus had been wearing a seatbelt they say it's very likely she would have received a serious head injury or worse.  Buses in our country don't have seatbelts which I know sounds crazy, but in this case it was a good thing.   

KMB - thank you. Hugs 

I will post this link to an article on grief the brain.  I have only glanced at it and it looks heavy going but the many references listed at the end could be very helpful.   http://www.univie.ac.at/mcogneu/lit/oConnor.PDF

strength and hugs all

[KMB]

Thank you, M88, for the link.  I still have brain/mind issues. I forget things a lot more often. When talking to my daughter, or on the phone, I have to "come back" to the present moment and ask for words to be repeated. It's annoying to others I'm sure, but if they knew what was going on inside of me, if they could experience even half of what I do, hopefully they would understand. My mind is on my grieving. Missing my husband. Wondering what he is doing and experiencing in Heaven and the constant desire to be with him.

[KayC]

Grief does affect our brains, but I had meant it as an analogy.  Watching my sister go through brain trauma when she was 25, leaving her paralyzed and unable to communicate, it changed everything about her life.  She lost her three year old.  Her 4 month old died but she could no longer raise him, my parents took over.  She couldn't even take her life when she wanted to!  That is the epitome of helpless.  She could no longer work, go to school, raise kids, and it was a long time before she could even feed herself, even now, 50 years later, she chokes easily and can't drink liquid without thickener.  Everything about her life changed!  Her fiance dumped her the first time he saw her in the hospital.  She has to have a caregiver.  Only two things she can do, smoke, and read.  That's it.

So in comparing our lives before loss to our lives after, I was thinking about how brain trauma affects everything about one's life, it's not easily gotten through or moved beyond.  In the same way grief, when it strikes, alters our lives so completely as to be unrecognizable.  Nothing about my life is as it was.  That's a whole lot to get used to!
 

But you're right, grief affects even our brains, I know it did mine.  I was not in my right mind after he died.  There was no clarity.  It was hard to function at work adequately, I was never the same employee that I once was.  I couldn't watch t.v. for a year.  I couldn't focus to read a book for pure enjoyment for ten years!  So many changes, but focus is really hard hit.  Music/love songs are still hard for me.  I can sing gospel songs, but love songs are too painful.  I've made cards for over 30 years but since George died, the "want to" just isn't there.  I do it if I have need of one or if someone wants me to show them how to do something, but rarely do I do it out of enjoyment anymore.  I've heard this about others with their hobbies too, it's like it robbed us of the ability to just enjoy life as we once took it for granted.

[Eagle-96]

18 minutes ago, KayC said:

Grief does affect our brains, but I had meant it as an analogy.  Watching my sister go through brain trauma when she was 25, leaving her paralyzed and unable to communicate, it changed everything about her life.  She lost her three year old.  Her 4 month old died but she could no longer raise him, my parents took over.  She couldn't even take her life when she wanted to!  That is the epitome of helpless.  She could no longer work, go to school, raise kids, and it was a long time before she could even feed herself, even now, 50 years later, she chokes easily and can't drink liquid without thickener.  Everything about her life changed!  Her fiance dumped her the first time he saw her in the hospital.  She has to have a caregiver.  Only two things she can do, smoke, and read.  That's it.

So in comparing our lives before loss to our lives after, I was thinking about how brain trauma affects everything about one's life, it's not easily gotten through or moved beyond.  In the same way grief, when it strikes, alters our lives so completely as to be unrecognizable.  Nothing about my life is as it was.  That's a whole lot to get used to!
 

But you're right, grief affects even our brains, I know it did mine.  I was not in my right mind after he died.  There was no clarity.  It was hard to function at work adequately, I was never the same employee that I once was.  I couldn't watch t.v. for a year.  I couldn't focus to read a book for pure enjoyment for ten years!  So many changes, but focus is really hard hit.  Music/love songs are still hard for me.  I can sing gospel songs, but love songs are too painful.  I've made cards for over 30 years but since George died, the "want to" just isn't there.  I do it if I have need of one or if someone wants me to show them how to do something, but rarely do I do it out of enjoyment anymore.  I've heard this about others with their hobbies too, it's like it robbed us of the ability to just enjoy life as we once took it for granted.

Lori and I both loved football. It was something we enjoyed watching together and also going to games(a wife who loves football. I know, I know, pinch me). I have nothing but wonderful memories of watching games with her. Now I couldn't care less about the upcoming season. Not sure I'll watch any games at all. We used to never miss a game and now it holds no value to me. Strange how things we used to love just don't do it for us any more.