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It's like I've been sentenced to life in prison


Abby78

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My husband use to love to watch those A&E shows where they go over real life murders and mysteries.  At the end of most when they would show the killer gets life or almost life in prison I always would think to myself how awful the person must feel that they made a stupid decision or acted out of passion for one minute and completely ruined their life.  Locked up the rest of their life now.

All of a sudden I feel like I've been sentenced to a long miserable life.  No way to be happy.  No way to get a good nights sleep.  Never to wake up excited to face the day.  To forever have this anxiety and overwhelming sadness.  It feels like a life sentence.

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Pretty much.  All of us feel that way to some extent.  It IS a life sentence!  The trick is in learning to do it.  I used to do a prison ministry and one of the things I noticed in getting to know these inmates is they had figured out a way to "do their time".  For many it was the rest of their life, no hope of getting out, but even those who merely had a long sentence (20 years or more) they handled it differently than the short timers.  I remember one who will be in for life that didn't want "visits" because he found it too hard to go back to prison life afterwards.  It was a mixing of "inside" and "outside" that wan't easy to switch back and forth with.  Others enjoyed the brief reprieve of visits from the outside.  They accepted what is rather than continually struggling with what isn't.  They learned to appreciate the smallest of things that were in their lives.  I didn't think about that when I was going through the loss of my husband, but oddly enough I find some real similarities to what I have learned in my walk since I lost him 12 years ago.  It is in learning what is the most comfortable for us and going with that, it may be different for each of us how we do it.

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Abby, I'm sorry for your loss.  The overwhelming sadness does ease.  Maybe your bedroom will become your sanctuary like mine has. I still don't get a lot of sleep but I feel safe, cosy and less lonely here.  Make your favourite place in your home as inviting and cosy to be in as you can.  Having a friend visit for coffee or a nitght or two is uplifting and has helped me immensley.  I've only just started branching out and returning visits to local friends further out than those in my neighbourhood. 

Not sure about the anxiety - I still feel too much of that.  And excitment about a new day is just a distant memory, but I try and plan to do something that will give me a sense of achievement at days end - even if it just a short walk, a little weeding in the garden or even cleaning the kitchen floor.   Not many folk grieving have much motivation to do senseless house and yard work.  

Those are wise words spoken by Kay.  Sadly our grief is a life sentence and I especially like 'the trick is in learning how to do it'. It takes time, energy and commitment to learn which coping skills best suit your needs.  Taking 'one day at a time' has been the most effective for me.  Naturally, we have many slip-ups - three steps forward two back. 

After having a few sessions with a pyschologist/trained hypnotherapist, I listen to a lot of hypnotherapy videos on YouTube.  If you go there, choose carefully - there are some quite weird ones that look like they should be avoided. I find the ones I listen to very helpful to escape my busy mind and ruminating on issues I have no control over. 

My hubby was killed 19 months ago and I am at a stage where I'm yearning for adventurous weekend trips away, going fishing, walks in the bush, the meal out in the city then a movie -things like that.  I look forward to being healed well enough to do those things again one day - with a nice man, maybe. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs. 

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The life sentence in prison analogy is one I have used and firmly believe is true. Yet we have been sentenced to life in prison for a crime we didn't commit. We also have no appeals. No non-profit innocence project trying to win our release. We have a cell with a window in which we can still see life going on. We can still see other couples. Life going on. The happiness all around us. We can see that the sun exists but can't feel it on our face. 

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6 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

We have a cell with a window in which we can still see life going on. We can still see other couples.

That's some of the hardest part.
 

 

34 minutes ago, M88 said:

Naturally, we have many slip-ups - three steps forward two back. 

But one thing I like to point out is that three steps forward and two steps back is still overall moving in a progressive fashion so try not to be discouraged when you face the two steps back part.

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TooDevastated
40 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

We have a cell with a window in which we can still see life going on. We can still see other couples. Life going on. The happiness all around us. We can see that the sun exists but can't feel it on our face. 

So much yes! This is how I have felt eversince I realised my boyfriend was gone and is never coming back. 

I am sentenced to keep going in this state of living without being alive. And I dont remember doing anyting wrong. I feel angry. I didnt deserve this. We both deserved a better life. Everyone here with their heartaches deserved to spend many many years with their loved ones. Yet here we are in this now-prison that could have been a paradise once.

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