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Having a really rough day


Sue P 67

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Today is one of those days where I can't stop the sadness and the heaviness in my heart :(

For those that have followed my story you know I didn't have Scott in my life for very long but our love with amazingly strong and I know God brought him into my life for many reasons even if for only 4 months.  He has been gone for longer than we were together and I miss him soooo much!  I miss his future, the life he was supposed to have with me...the life he was supposed to have with his children, his parents and grandparents and the life WE were planning with all of these people.  I miss the chance for my son to really get to know what kind of man he was and I miss the chance I never got to see him beat that damn cancer!  I MISS HIM HOLDING AND CUDDLING ME AND HIS GOOFY, SILLY QUIRKY JOKES.  But most of all I miss walking in his door and hearing "hi babe...come cuddle on the couch and let me hold you for a little while" before we made plans for the evening (all he ever wanted to do was cuddle - he thought he was weird because he loved the physical contact so much but I loved every minute of it and still do).  He told his sister after we met "she doesn't see this (pointing to his face where you could see the tumor and the loss of his eye due to the cancer), she doesn't even care that I look like this...she sees me inside and she's as crazy as I am about cuddling!"  It was true-I loved his insides and it only took a few days for me to not even "see" the cancer anymore.

Writing and feeling all of this is so confusing for me since I am dating the man I know Scott sent to me (long story but truly a gift from Scott and from God).  He is wonderful, gives me everything Scott knew I wanted and needed for my future and I know he is my future and I do love him so very much.  I know Scott taught me life is too short to not live it to the fullest every day.  I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

So why when I know all of this doesn't it make it easier to accept he is gone and I'll never feel his arms around me again? 

I had dinner with his family last night and his 14 yr old daughter joined us.   She looks so much like her dad...she has his eyes.  She is so sad inside...you can see it.  My heart breaks for her.  I wanted to be her step mom and to show her what real love is because I know that is all she wanted for her Dad.  We were robbed of that when God took him home so quickly.  We didn't have time to bond and build a relationship with each others children.  I don't think his kids nor mine have any concept of the love that we shared.

I will go home tonight after work, my new love Dave, will come over and we will make plans for our camping trip this weekend with my son (who just adores Dave) and he will sense something is wrong...he will ask me if I'm ok...I'll say yes but he will know I'm not.  I know I can talk to him about Scott and my sadness but I usually don't.  I don't feel it is fair to him but oh boy do I just want to cry it out in his arms tonight. 

I'm sorry I'm rambling...I'm just so sad today.

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I don't know what to say, I feel your pain and the place that you're at.  I think it's okay to share with Dave what you're feeling/thinking, he's already aware and knows this isn't an easy transition for you.  He wouldn't want to feel shut out, I'm sure.  And like you said, he'll know...

I hope you have a good weekend with your son.

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I don't mean any offense but couldn't this be a sign you jumped into a new relationship too quickly? I know everyone is different but your angel date is only four months ago. I hope it all works out for you. If your new guy is the right one he should understand.

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Sue P 67, I am sorry you were having a rough time yesterday. The grief monster never gives a warning, it just blasts us. I hope you are doing somewhat better today. You are still in the early months and I feel that Dave will be understanding of how the feelings of grieving are going to roll in and out at will. Just go with the flow of it the best you can. I hope you have a good weekend camping. You will want to see your son have fun and Scott will be with you in spirit, bringing you comfort and calmness.:wub:

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19 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't know what to say, I feel your pain and the place that you're at.  I think it's okay to share with Dave what you're feeling/thinking, he's already aware and knows this isn't an easy transition for you.  He wouldn't want to feel shut out, I'm sure.  And like you said, he'll know...

I hope you have a good weekend with your son.

Thank you Kay.  I was better by the time I got home...amazing how just reading some of the posts here or listening to a song that reminds me of Scott can ease my pain just as much as fuel it.  Sometimes just typing the post makes it easier to cope.  I thank God for this forum even if I don't post much. 

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17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't mean any offense but couldn't this be a sign you jumped into a new relationship too quickly? I know everyone is different but your angel date is only four months ago. I hope it all works out for you. If your new guy is the right one he should understand.

DJH - no offense taken.  My time with Scott was very short and believe me, I thought it was too soon as well but it really just happened very easily and has helped pull me out of the biggest pit I have ever been in.  My story is different than most here....Scott sent Dave to me...I am 1000% sure of it.  He knew I spent way too many years alone in a bad marriage and wanted me to be happy and to be loved like I loved him.  Dave is all of what Scott was and more.  He is so very supportive and understanding of my loss and my grief.  He knows I will always love Scott....he supports my relationship with his family and encourages me to grieve in whatever way I need to.  He once said "If I had a problem with you crying over Scott or needing time alone or wanting to spend time with his family or missing him or loving him....I wouldn't be the man I think I am".  He is every bit the man he thinks he is.  He knows I spent the last month of Scotts life taking care of him and loving him and giving him the best last days by leaving earth, holding my hand and knowing he was loved completely til his very last breath.  Not many, if any, would understand that....that is the #1 reason I know he was sent by God and Scott....I could never be with anyone so soon after losing Scott if they felt any different.  I am truly blessed and grateful to have had 2 such wonderful men come into my life after a life of selfish jerks that had no idea how to love.

 

 

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32 minutes ago, KMB said:

Sue P 67, I am sorry you were having a rough time yesterday. The grief monster never gives a warning, it just blasts us. I hope you are doing somewhat better today. You are still in the early months and I feel that Dave will be understanding of how the feelings of grieving are going to roll in and out at will. Just go with the flow of it the best you can. I hope you have a good weekend camping. You will want to see your son have fun and Scott will be with you in spirit, bringing you comfort and calmness.:wub:

Thank you KMB.  I am feeling better today.  You are right...it just shows up and boom!  Dave is very understanding and wonderful...whenever he senses I am down he asks "what can I do for you?"...most times its just to give me a hug for as long as I need it.  

I am very much looking forward to camping and yes...you are right...Scott will be there for sure as he is every day. 

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Sue,

I'm glad you are feeling better today and hope you enjoy your upcoming camping trip.  While some may consider this "jumping in too soon", everyone's journey is different and only you can decide for you.  So long as this relationship doesn't hinder your grieving, and so long as this person is right for you and it's a positive relationship, don't let naysayers get to you.  Each person decides for themselves.  My FIL was married 40 years and one month after his wife died following a several year battle with cancer, he fell in love.  We all thought he was rushing things, but they went on to have 25+ years of companionship.  He wanted to marry her but knowing she would not marry again he never did ask her, but he loved her all those years and although they both maintained their own residences, they were together all the time and saw each other through everything.  She became like another grandma to my kids, is a very dear lady to us all, years after he's passed.

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