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So sad at almost 3 months


Abby78

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I was married to my husband for 13 years.  We have an 11 and 12 year old daughters.  We had just purchased a house but not moved in when he died of a sudden and very unexpected heart attack on May 31.   He was 41 and I'm 39.

The first weeks I believe I was numb.  After that I had to move out of my old house and shop for the new home.  If it wasn't for my sisters I wouldn't have been able to do anything at all.

Now as I try to live this new life that I don't want I'm overcome by sadness and missing my husband so much.  I never knew grief could be this painful.  I feel like I'm going nuts.  Not one moment do I not think about my husband.  My daughters were very close to him but are being very strong.  They don't cry and look sad at all.  They're only concerned about me.  And I'm concerned they're just holding it in for later. 

Last night my 12 year olds blinds in her room were messed up because she let her cousin pull them.  I feel so unstable.  I flew into a rage in front of my daughter trying to get the blinds back down.  My sweet innocent daughter who must be hurting so much but stronger than me.  I feel so horrible because sometimes I can't hide how sad I am.   They pat me on the back and say are you okay mommy.  It terrifies me that they may fall into grief the next few months.  My only reason for living is them now but I feel like I suck for them.

The only person I can endlessly cry to is my younger sister.  I can tell family and friends just want to hear I'm okay so they can tell me how strong I am.  I lost both my parents at a young age.  I was 8 when my mother died and I hate that my kids had to be like me.  I wish my mom was here because I imagine she'd be there for me 24/7 right now.  The thought of not having parents or a husband now scares me and makes me feel so alone and insecure.

i just want to feel better so bad.  Anything I read in forums doesn't indicate that I'll ever feel better.  If anyone does say they're better after a couple years it's because they met someone else.  

Am I really going to feel like this forever.  I kind of feel like I will and even worse as things come up and I feel my husbands absence even more.  I never ever thought it was possible to feel this horrible.  I wish I skipped around in complete happiness when my husband was alive.  Why did I take my other life for granted.

 

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I am so sorry you lost your young husband, it's so unfair, I thought it unfair my husband died of an unexpected heart attack just after he turned 51, five days after his birthday.  We just met in our 40s, I never dreamed it'd end so soon.

If something like that happens again (flying into rage) all you can do is apologize and tell them the anger is not toward them, it's to the unfairness of the situation and you're sorry you lost it like that.  Hopefully it won't happen again.  

There are so many emotions we go through when we lose our spouse, sometimes conflicting ones at once, and each and every one is normal and to be expected in grief.  You might try a grief support group where there's others that get what you're going through, and might also try a grief counselor that can help you through this maze.  It's tough to navigate on your own.

You've found a good site to come to, we all go through this together.

We took our other life for granted because we never dreamed it'd end so soon.  I don't think we can take anything for granted anymore.

No you won't feel like this forever.  The intensity you feel in the earlier months eventually lessens and becomes something more tolerable, but always we will miss them.  It's been 12 years for me.  It's quite a metamorphosis.  

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4 hours ago, Abby78 said:

 

i just want to feel better so bad.  Anything I read in forums doesn't indicate that I'll ever feel better.  If anyone does say they're better after a couple years it's because they met someone else.  

Am I really going to feel like this forever.  I kind of feel like I will and even worse as things come up and I feel my husbands absence even more.  I never ever thought it was possible to feel this horrible.  I wish I skipped around in complete happiness when my husband was alive.  Why did I take my other life for granted.

 

I agree with this so much. This forum is great because it gives a place to post where people understand but at the same time it can be overwhelming to realize that some people really never "get over it." It does seem like the only people that do move on have met someone else.  Like you, I feel like the grief is getting worse as I continue to come across things that make me feel my wife's absence. I can't imagine continuing on like this. 

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6 hours ago, Abby78 said:

I was married to my husband for 13 years.  We have an 11 and 12 year old daughters.  We had just purchased a house but not moved in when he died of a sudden and very unexpected heart attack on May 31.   He was 41 and I'm 39.

The first weeks I believe I was numb.  After that I had to move out of my old house and shop for the new home.  If it wasn't for my sisters I wouldn't have been able to do anything at all.

Now as I try to live this new life that I don't want I'm overcome by sadness and missing my husband so much.  I never knew grief could be this painful.  I feel like I'm going nuts.  Not one moment do I not think about my husband.  My daughters were very close to him but are being very strong.  They don't cry and look sad at all.  They're only concerned about me.  And I'm concerned they're just holding it in for later. 

Last night my 12 year olds blinds in her room were messed up because she let her cousin pull them.  I feel so unstable.  I flew into a rage in front of my daughter trying to get the blinds back down.  My sweet innocent daughter who must be hurting so much but stronger than me.  I feel so horrible because sometimes I can't hide how sad I am.   They pat me on the back and say are you okay mommy.  It terrifies me that they may fall into grief the next few months.  My only reason for living is them now but I feel like I suck for them.

The only person I can endlessly cry to is my younger sister.  I can tell family and friends just want to hear I'm okay so they can tell me how strong I am.  I lost both my parents at a young age.  I was 8 when my mother died and I hate that my kids had to be like me.  I wish my mom was here because I imagine she'd be there for me 24/7 right now.  The thought of not having parents or a husband now scares me and makes me feel so alone and insecure.

i just want to feel better so bad.  Anything I read in forums doesn't indicate that I'll ever feel better.  If anyone does say they're better after a couple years it's because they met someone else.  

Am I really going to feel like this forever.  I kind of feel like I will and even worse as things come up and I feel my husbands absence even more.  I never ever thought it was possible to feel this horrible.  I wish I skipped around in complete happiness when my husband was alive.  Why did I take my other life for granted.

 

You did dance, you loved like no other, and now you dance alone. It's easy if your no affraid off the dogs laughing.

This is going to be who you are for all time. You will think of him every day forever,  no doubt. 

But he was called, not you. You have the task of raising children. And have to find strength you didn't know you had.

They need to know what's going on, curious.....you need to keep them on the mend. Talk it over with them, give them credit they will understand.  

I wish I had words that would free you from these bonds, but it's not my words you need. You need to follow your heart, you know what you need to do for you and yours. You have to do it, follow your heart......Jesus will guide you... ..listen and pray. Pray for strength and solitude.

I will for you too.  Be proud of what you cared together. Cherish them and raise them the way you both agreed to be best.

You will one day find someone who may fit like a puzzle pc.

Maybe they can mend the valley carved in our heart. But no need to go looking, let the Creator cross your paths. It will happen then when it's believed your ready.

Yes we have a long way to go. But need to make a plan. Long term goal and then short term goals to help you get there. Please let me know if I can do anything else.

YOU WILL FEEL BETTER, HONEST

Chas

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Thank you for all your replies.  It's so hard not to think I will feel like this forever and even worse.  I hope some way I find some kind of peace to live the rest of my life.  I hate living like it's a job now.  I can't think about the future because it's too painful.  I have to plan to stay busy every day because doing nothing for even the shortest moment will make me think to much of how awful everything is.  I miss my old carefree life so much.  This truly sucks and I don't ever see it getting better.

 

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12 hours ago, elena udatu said:

Am really so sorry about what have happened to you, I was reading and could feel the pains you must have went through all this time. I want you to know that there is no pain that can never be healed one way or the other, there is this Priest I got in contact with and he have brought back the happiness that have been missing in my life for some time and that have been causing me pains.  i have been in great pains about my marriage and my husband once lost interest in me and was cheating on me with another woman, he also filed in a divorce against me and told me that he wanted out of our marriage.  until the day i contacted [PRIEST OGAGA] he casted a love spell for me and told me to wait for just 48 hours that my husband will call me. I did according to the instructions given to me by him and surprisingly, in 48 hours, my husband really called me and started apologizing for all the pains he had caused me. I am the happiest Woman on earth today because [PRIEST OGAGA] has done a wonderful deeds in my life and i will continue to share this testimony anywhere I go, I want you to know that what ever might be your situation being it

1) If you want your ex back. 
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Good luck and thanks for your reading time.

Elena Udatu.

Spammer.  She's been reported.  She sent the same spam to ModKonnie too!  Annoying...

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Abby,

While it's true that this changed everything forever for us, that doesn't mean it's all doom and gloom the rest of our lives.  Our grief evolves throughout our journey, It doesn't stay in the same intensity of the beginning, thank God, we couldn't handle it if that were the case!  Eventually we adjust and get better at coping.  I rarely cry anymore.  BUT I have had to learn to do life alone and quite frankly it will never be the same as it was when George was here.  I'm sorry that depresses you but I won't lie to you, it is something we have to get used to, we can't expect life to ever be like it was when they were in it!  Some do remarry and are happy in their new marriage, but always they will continue to miss the person they lost so it's not simple.  I'm happy for those who can manage that.  I have made the choice to remember and honor and treasure what I had with George for the simple reason I have never found anyone even close to being like him, he was perfect for me and I don't want to settle for less.  Some have been lucky enough to find someone they found as wonderful as the one they lost, that it great for them.  At my age I have no desire to date and search...

I have learned to appreciate what IS rather than merely focus on what ISN'T.  That has helped me tremendously in living in the present and deliberately appreciating the good that is in my life, not only pining for and lamenting what I have lost, that has been key in my survival.  That doesn't mean I don't miss George, I do, each and every day.  I guess until you live through this you won't probably grasp what I'm saying.

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Abby78,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. The emotions we feel are all over the place and they are hard to control. Don't beat yourself up too much about the anger outbursts. They are normal during this journey. As stated before, just try to explain yourself and that the outburst isn't intended but just a consequence of the situation. Another thing I would say is that you mentioned how strong your daughters are through this. As you probably already know, outward appearances don't always show the true feelings inside. We all wear masks through the grief process. You know the old saying "putting on a brave face". We are torn and broken inside yet we put on the brave face when we are in public or around family and friends. The mask makes it appear that we are strong or doing ok when we are broken inside. So please know that your daughters are not necessarily strong. They may just be good at hiding it. You are in the unique position to help them to deal with this as you have experienced the loss of a parent at a young age yourself. 

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