Seven weeks....

[June]

Do you count days? weeks?  later I guess it will be months....then years....

Tomorrow will be seven weeks.   At 12:25 pm.  It's hard to get through Mondays cause it means it's been another week.  

Tomorrow I have to go to the social security office to show them our marriage license so I can collect survivor's benefits (I'm already on SS but his is higher than mine so....)

Today our pastor's sermon was about storms.  And how we must trust God and allow him to take us through our storms.  It's hard tho.  

I continue to question if I made the right decisions.  What if I had had them put him back on the ventilator?  Maybe he would have survived.  

If the doctor was correct when he said he wasn't going to recover.  If the pulmonary doctor was right when he talked to me about quality of life if they put him back on the ventilator.   

I feel guilty.  

I had been keeping a journal on and off on some of the more difficult days of our battle with Parkinson's Disease.  Now I look at the posts I made since 2012 on FB to keep our family and friends informed.  I've started copying those and pasting them into the journal.  It's mostly a sad story.  But there are some good memories there too.  

I'm rambling I know.  

[Ka9219]

Seconds, minutes, hours, I count every one of them, I don't know if it makes it easier or harder, all I know is I can't help it.

There is a lot of "What if", we can spend our entire life asking and wondering but we only have one reality and is in the one we are living now, we can't change what happened and we need to know and understand that we made the best choice we could due the circumstances. Don't feel guilty, you know you did all you could, and you did it because you loved him, and still love him.

I think journals are great ideas, it let us to recall that despite the bad things we have a ton of good things. And we all ramble, don't worry about it

[Francine]

10 hours ago, June said:

Today our pastor's sermon was about storms.  And how we must trust God and allow him to take us through our storms.  It's hard tho.  

I continue to question if I made the right decisions.  What if I had had them put him back on the ventilator?  Maybe he would have survived.  

I feel guilty.

 

I truly am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing.  I do find myself counting the days, month, hours, weeks (years when I get there) since my Charles left this earth.   It's so hard to actually believe he's gone - I guess my heart does not want to believe that my minds knows.   Your pastor was right - and I know how hard it is but there is no storm God won't carry you through; no bridge God won't help you cross; no battle God won't help you win; no heartache God won't help you let go of.  I think God wakes us up in the midst of the storm to teach us lessons.  HE takes away people we love so perhaps we can learn to value love itself.  HE make us cry so hard so that perhaps we can see clearly when we open our eyes; HE allows to be bitter so perhaps we can realize there is no genuine happiness if we only think of ourselves and not others.  It's funny because we ask God to change our situation, not knowing HE put us into this situation to change us.

Don't second guess yourself - all of the "If Only" " "What If"  "Should Have" "Would Have" questions will only eat you up inside and make you crazy.  I know because I was there; but I'm learning that no matter what I'd done, nothing would have kept him here.  I lost my Charles to a massive heart attack right in front of my eyes and that was devastating. He always promised me he'd never leave me, and I literally held him to that.  But when God  took him, I felt so lonely.  I felt I died that day as well; for all practical purposes, I did.  My life stopped that day; that hour, that precise moment.    I wasn't prepared to live without him, I didn't know what to do, how to act; I was lost, in a daze, a fog for a long time, I hit rock bottom and there I stayed for a long time.   What I didn't realize then was God's will was done.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 states, "There is a right time for everything.  Everything on earth has its special season. There is a time to be born and a time to die, ..................a  time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance".

For me, God, prayer and my faith saw me through that darkest moment in my life. My prayer was to know that my Charles was OK and if I knew that, then I'd be OK.   It was revealed to me that he was OK.  I can't explain it, but it felt as if the shadow of the sun went from my head to my toes - a veil (if you will) covered my entire body and this sense of peace filled my spirit - I knew then my Charles was OK and I was OK.  I still have my moments where I cry my tsunami's and long to touch, feel, kiss and just be with him, but I know he is OK.  I know his spirit lives on; and the Bible tells us that a spiritual realm does exist, invisible to human eyes. It is populated by God and his angels.   Don't worry, God is never blind to our tears, never deaf to our prayers and never silent to our pain;  HE sees, HE hears, and HE will deliver.  Scripture is true; Philippians 4: 6-7 state, "Don't worry about anything; instead Pray about everything You need. And when you pray give thanks.  And God's peace will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. The peace that God gives is so great that we cannot understand it."

I hope you continue to visit this website and know that you have friends on here who wish nothing but the best for you.  You are in my prayers and I ask that God gives you HIS strength to get through this most difficult time in your life.

[Eagle-96]

June, the 2nd guessing is so very hard. We question the decisions and whether they were righ or wrong. Good or bad. In the end, no matter what we think, the decisions were right. They led us to right here right now. We can't go back. We can't change them. We can only move forward. I know I know. It's easy for me to say right. Well the truth is, I 2nd guess the decisions of the last week of Lori's life almost every day. Was the CPR good enough. Did we go to the right facility. Should I have called my SIL for advice. But I know that I am here in this place at this time for a reason. Just as I was at the right place at the right time when I met Lori. I don't question the circumstances that led me to the love of my life so why should I question the circumstances that led to where I am right now. Mind you, it's not easy not to question the whats and whys but I just know that I am here for a reason and I have to carry on the best I can even in the face of regret.

[KayC]

The doctors know physically what was going on, what was possible, what was not, we have to rely on them.  That said, it's common, normal, to question everything afterwards.  It's as if we're trying to rewrite the ending.  We question everything we did, and are haunted by it, feeling guilty when we have nothing to feel guilty about.  If we are guilty of anything it is for loving them with all our hearths and having a wonderful relationship with them...so wonderful it's painstakingly brutal to lose what we have shared with them.  We haven't lost it all though, the love continues, long after their last breath is taken, I walk in that hope, looking toward the day we'll be together again.  We found each other once, we will again.

 

[June]

Thank you all.  I guess I will continue to count the days and weeks and always the what ifs.  

 

[KMB]

June, I guess because we live in a world governed by time, we cannot help but think in that same way with our beloved's passing. We count birthdays, anniversaries, other special days, so it is only rational we count the days, weeks, months, hours, minutes, with the loss of the person who meant the world to us. It is such a sad thing that our reality has become.

I used to do the what ifs. The mind just seems to work that way. I did that constantly in the beginning. I wanted so much to change the outcome. We want to go back in time, have a redo. Those what ifs do fade over time, when our mind starts clearing and we start coming out of the fog. Things happen the way they are meant to. Someday, we are going to leave here too. We just don't know the how and when of it. The loved ones we leave behind will be going through what we are now. Grieving has a way of causing us to think of many things we never used to.  (HUGS)

[KayC]

The what ifs are common to us in early grief...until we realize all the what ifs and whys don't change the reality we're left with, but I do think it's our way of trying to come up with a different ending, one we could have lived with, not this one.

[alone and lost]

June, I am so sorry for your loss.  I count the days and weeks, too.  It was 5 weeks last Saturday since my husband passed away from cancer.  I also think of what-ifs all the time, what if we would have mentioned certain pains a month earlier, what if we would have called in a few days before, would it have made a difference?   The doctor said he didn't see any indication of anything going on that would have caused the complications, but I can't help but feel responsible.  I was his caregiver and I feel like I failed him.  I'm hoping I can work through this guilt, I hope you can, too.  It's a horrible feeling. 

[KayC]

alone and lost,

I really hope you'll read this:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[Eagle-96]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

The what ifs are common to us in early grief...until we realize all the what ifs and whys don't change the reality we're left with, but I do think it's our way of trying to come up with a different ending, one we could have lived with, not this one.

It's those alternate scenarios that we endlessly search for. Looking desperately for the story where our soulmate survived. Where they got help in time. Where the diagnosis was accurate. The alternative endings are vast and varied and are a story we would do anything to make a reality. But it always comes back to right here right now. The death certificates are sitting in the file folder. The funeral programs are still in the office. The tears as constant as they were before we steal away to fantasy land. I do it less often now though as when I start to drift away to that place I catch myself and say, "it didn't happen that way" because it is no longer beneficial to my healing. 

[June]

I finished reading a book last night that I should not have read.  But I didn't know the storyline until it was too late and then I couldn't quit; I had to finish it.  
The Choice by Nicholas Sparks - DON'T read it if you have ever had to make a decision like I had to make.

Toward the end of the story a woman is in a coma after a car accident.  She had an advance care plan and had discussed with her husband that if she were ever in a coma, he was to remove all life support after 12 weeks (she was a doctor - only a feeding tube was keeping her alive).  He chose not to follow his promise to  her.  A few weeks later after being moved into a nursing home, she woke.  
Happy ending for them. 

But for me, all the questions came rushing back.  What if........... 

[June]

and today is his birthday.  He would be 76.  We always went out to dinner on our birthdays.  He loved going to Longhorn's Steakhouse.   

Quote

 

 

[Eagle-96]

30 minutes ago, June said:

and today is his birthday.  He would be 76.  We always went out to dinner on our birthdays.  He loved going to Longhorn's Steakhouse.   

 

Praying for your strength today to get through the birthday memories

[Francine]

5 hours ago, June said:

and today is his birthday.  He would be 76.  We always went out to dinner on our birthdays.  He loved going to Longhorn's Steakhouse.   

 

Wow! That was my Charles favorite restaurant as well and we too would celebrate different occasions there, like his birthday, our anniversary or just taking the entire family for no reason at all.  He would always order the steak and I'd order the Redrock Shrimp.  Boy, I miss that man with my entire being. 

 

[Eagle-96]

13 hours ago, Francine said:

Wow! That was my Charles favorite restaurant as well and we too would celebrate different occasions there, like his birthday, our anniversary or just taking the entire family for no reason at all.  He would always order the steak and I'd order the Redrock Shrimp.  Boy, I miss that man with my entire being. 

 

I can almost see you smiling as you typed those words Francine. Hold onto those memories. Lord knows we have enough sadness in our lives so hold tight to those good times.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, June said:

But for me, all the questions came rushing back.  What if........... 

I'm sorry.  All the what ifs don't do us any good, and I hope you don't allow yourself to beat yourself up for doing what you felt was best.  People who are brain dead don't come back except in story lines.

[Francine]

11 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I can almost see you smiling as you typed those words Francine. Hold onto those memories. Lord knows we have enough sadness in our lives so hold tight to those good times.

I was smiling and grateful for the many good memories we made together and I'll never let them go.  When Charles was here, often times we'd reminisce down memory lane together and sometimes it only took one good song to bring back thousands of good old memories; now it's a place where I don't want to venture alone, not now, because it hurts too much.  But he memories, they're mine and mine alone - those special moments that tell my story, or should I say *our* story.  When you think about it, life is not measure by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away, and I have had those moments with my Charles.  My eyes are swelling up now, so I think I'll excuse myself and let my tsunami run its course.

[June]

On ‎8‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 7:48 PM, Francine said:

Wow! That was my Charles favorite restaurant as well and we too would celebrate different occasions there, like his birthday, our anniversary or just taking the entire family for no reason at all.  He would always order the steak and I'd order the Redrock Shrimp.  Boy, I miss that man with my entire being. 

 

Francine, he would usually order the French Onion soup and either a baked potato or salad.  Parkinson's caused problems swallowing...

[June]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry.  All the what ifs don't do us any good, and I hope you don't allow yourself to beat yourself up for doing what you felt was best.  People who are brain dead don't come back except in story lines.

He wasn't brain dead.  He had aspiration pneumonia and with the Parkinson's could not overcome it.  His lungs could not work well enough to supply oxygen.

[Eagle-96]

11 hours ago, Francine said:

I was smiling and grateful for the many good memories we made together and I'll never let them go.  When Charles was here, often times we'd reminisce down memory lane together and sometimes it only took one good song to bring back thousands of good old memories; now it's a place where I don't want to venture alone, not now, because it hurts too much.  But he memories, they're mine and mine alone - those special moments that tell my story, or should I say *our* story.  When you think about it, life is not measure by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away, and I have had those moments with my Charles.  My eyes are swelling up now, so I think I'll excuse myself and let my tsunami run its course.

Hearing your words about Charles through your posts makes me wonder how amazing it would be for the people on this board to have met each others soulmates. We hear so many stories that it's almost as if I know everyone's spouses. 

[KayC]

June,

Maybe he wasn't brain dead but he still couldn't come back from it.  Most of us would not want to spend indefinite time (rest of our lives) hooked up to machines, I know my husband wouldn't have wanted to.  I've made out my will accordingly and expressed my wishes that they only keep me hooked up if there's a good chance of recovery (it's temporary), otherwise, unhook me.  I've left it to my son's judgment because I trust him over people I don't know.  I don't want them unhooking me because of cost or inconvenience, only if there's no chance of making it on my own.
 

Without such written directive, you did the best you knew to do and I'm sure you did what HE would have wanted.  I'm sorry it's on you, that's really hard, I hope this is something my son never has to grapple with for me.  My heart goes out to all families that have to make this call, I know it's hard.

[KMB]

I had my health care directive done up by a lawyer. That way, no judge or health care place could over ride it.

[KayC]

My doctor walked me through it and I have a copy and told my son where it is.  I had it notarized.