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It just seems impossible...


Cat

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My fiancé and love of my life passed away from accidental OD almost 5 months ago. I was not even functioning for 3 weeks except to make it memorial services. I got a dog 6 wks after since it was suggested and it helped to give me something aside from work to distract me from my extreme sadness and loneliness. Almost 5 months and i dont see anything to look forward to. All i want is to be with him. We planned to marry have a baby.. Now, i'm just left here alone and it feels impossible to ever have a life. There is nothing that i want to do. I feel like I'm just waiting to die and every day that passes is just a day closer to being with him. I'm 37 and don't have children, i only wanted his.... he was my life, everything i did was for him for 4 yrs and now i have no idea what to do.... it feels like everyone has someone and they are happy getting married, having children...  i have kept busy with work but nights are the worst... 

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 Cat, I am sorry that you are in so much pain and feeling miserable with loneliness and despair. I've been there and still feel that way and it has been a year for me now. It has become a tad bit easier in coping with my loss. Staying busy and focusing on others in my life has its benefits. It keeps me from focusing too much on my own pain and loneliness. I set aside time at night, before bed, for myself and my grief work. I talk to my husband in my thoughts and aloud, throughout the day, but even more so at night and I write him a letter. I've found that I have to find some kind of balance for myself in order not to go completely insane with grief.

I am glad you got yourself a furfriend dog. Your new friend will provide companionship, unconditional love and new focus because you will be needed for the dog's care and well being. They are also great listeners! We can pour our heart out to them and they won't think we are crazy. I have a dog of my own. I also have a cat that has gotten more affectionate and sleeps with me. The best things with dogs though, is that they require interaction. more play time, walks, grooming, etc. In essence, a dog is more dependent on you and we all need to feel loved and needed during this time in our journey.

All you are feeling and thinking is a norm with grieving. You are still in the early months, but, you are surviving, one day at a time.  (HUGS)

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Time is different for all of us, some people might move through the grieve faster than others, I am almost in my third month and I am facing new bad things, different type of pain and thoughts, I can imagine is the same for you. Every day a new thought, a new question come up into your mind. We need to go easy and understand that after a loss we will need time to "recover", the truth is that only time will teach us how to handle the pain and the desperation. Maybe anxiety and depression might lesser, but not as fast as we'd like.

I understand when you said you wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted the same and Mario, my boyfriend, died wishing the same. I know how it feels to move from die to another with the only hope to be reunited with our love.

I think as well the dog is a good idea, I have to bunnies and they have helped with keeping myself busy and with "company"

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13 hours ago, Cat said:

My fiancé and love of my life passed away from accidental OD almost 5 months ago. I was not even functioning for 3 weeks except to make it memorial services. I got a dog 6 wks after since it was suggested and it helped to give me something aside from work to distract me from my extreme sadness and loneliness. Almost 5 months and i dont see anything to look forward to. All i want is to be with him. We planned to marry have a baby.. Now, i'm just left here alone and it feels impossible to ever have a life. There is nothing that i want to do. I feel like I'm just waiting to die and every day that passes is just a day closer to being with him. I'm 37 and don't have children, i only wanted his.... he was my life, everything i did was for him for 4 yrs and now i have no idea what to do.... it feels like everyone has someone and they are happy getting married, having children...  i have kept busy with work but nights are the worst... 

I am so sorry for your loss and know your pain only too well.  Life is not always perfect and can be so unfair. We won't always get what we want.  There was a time, for me anyway, that I thought life was good, wonderful, and as long as my Charles and I were living it together, perfect.   Then, in the wink of an eye, life went from perfect to worthless and insignificant. Life can be cruel and although it hurts a lot, we have to accept that what should have not happened, happened.   We must endure not just for ourselves, but for your loved one as well; you see, they live through us.  They have finished their *schooling* and have returned home to heaven.  Whatever they were here to learn, teach, accomplish,  experience, overcome to live, and the greatest of all to love, has been completed and their life's plan now completed, it was time for them to go home.

It doesn't mean the end of our connection with them is over, they are still very much with us; just now in a different form, spirit/energy, our true form, and I think they want very much for us to know they are still with us and are OK and safe.  When they cross over, they bring back the best of themselves, memories and the greatest of all - their love for us - which is always and forever.  Love never ends and the separation from our loved ones is only temporary.  Memories are priceless and it's so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.  The best gifts in the world are not material objectives that you can buy from a store, but in the memories we make with the people we love.  It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun.  Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will happen to us.

I think your love one would have wanted you to live your life to its fullest; and when you have completed your *schooling* here on this earth, you too will be taken home, and guess what, your loved one will be waiting with open arms and this time, you won't ever have to be separated again - because it will be forever. 

Continue to post; we are here at this date and time for a reason, to uplift one another - definitely, but more than that - to learn from one another and help one another through this journey.  

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Cat,

I do remember all too well that first year, the shock, the pain, the frantic anxiety...all our friends disappeared, life went on for everyone but me.  Then I lost my job too.  That was a very hard time, one I will never forget any part of.  It has been a long walk since then, 12 years worth...I found another job, I survived surgery on my own, I've been through so much and done it all alone.  Life is nothing like it was, but I continue to embrace the good in each day, although I have to look for it.  I've gotten used to the changes this has made to my life...gotten used to them but never are they my preference.  Still, I feel he is with me, unable to speak audibly, unable to physically hold me, but there...I continue on faith, the same as we started out on, knowing we'll be together again.  It's like he's on a long journey and I await the day we'll be reunited, no cellphones to talk on, no pictures to take, but there even though we can't see each other.  I felt as you did in my early days...I don't know how 12 years have gone by but they did, one day at a time, and each day I am one day closer to being with him again.

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

 Cat, I am sorry that you are in so much pain and feeling miserable with loneliness and despair. I've been there and still feel that way and it has been a year for me now. It has become a tad bit easier in coping with my loss. Staying busy and focusing on others in my life has its benefits. It keeps me from focusing too much on my own pain and loneliness. I set aside time at night, before bed, for myself and my grief work. I talk to my husband in my thoughts and aloud, throughout the day, but even more so at night and I write him a letter. I've found that I have to find some kind of balance for myself in order not to go completely insane with grief.

I am glad you got yourself a furfriend dog. Your new friend will provide companionship, unconditional love and new focus because you will be needed for the dog's care and well being. They are also great listeners! We can pour our heart out to them and they won't think we are crazy. I have a dog of my own. I also have a cat that has gotten more affectionate and sleeps with me. The best things with dogs though, is that they require interaction. more play time, walks, grooming, etc. In essence, a dog is more dependent on you and we all need to feel loved and needed during this time in our journey.

All you are feeling and thinking is a norm with grieving. You are still in the early months, but, you are surviving, one day at a time.  (HUGS)

KMB,

Thank you for your msg. I am so very sorry for your loss of your husband. I have tried at times to talk to him but I just end up crying so much, maybe later it will get easier. It is really true as you said that my dog has helped as much as anything can really help. I have to walk him several times a day, and just take care of him which is really my only distraction outside of work. It really is one day at a time.... Thank you again for your msg. Sending you hugs

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17 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Time is different for all of us, some people might move through the grieve faster than others, I am almost in my third month and I am facing new bad things, different type of pain and thoughts, I can imagine is the same for you. Every day a new thought, a new question come up into your mind. We need to go easy and understand that after a loss we will need time to "recover", the truth is that only time will teach us how to handle the pain and the desperation. Maybe anxiety and depression might lesser, but not as fast as we'd like.

I understand when you said you wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted the same and Mario, my boyfriend, died wishing the same. I know how it feels to move from die to another with the only hope to be reunited with our love.

I think as well the dog is a good idea, I have to bunnies and they have helped with keeping myself busy and with "company"

Ka9219,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. I do have those thoughts every single day. I get done what I have to do everyday but its hard to really enjoy anything. I hear from everyone its one day at a time but it just feels like such a long time that I will continue to feel the same way.... Thank you for your msg and I am sending you hugs and prayers as you continue this difficult road.

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9 hours ago, Francine said:

I am so sorry for your loss and know your pain only too well.  Life is not always perfect and can be so unfair. We won't always get what we want.  There was a time, for me anyway, that I thought life was good, wonderful, and as long as my Charles and I were living it together, perfect.   Then, in the wink of an eye, life went from perfect to worthless and insignificant. Life can be cruel and although it hurts a lot, we have to accept that what should have not happened, happened.   We must endure not just for ourselves, but for your loved one as well; you see, they live through us.  They have finished their *schooling* and have returned home to heaven.  Whatever they were here to learn, teach, accomplish,  experience, overcome to live, and the greatest of all to love, has been completed and their life's plan now completed, it was time for them to go home.

It doesn't mean the end of our connection with them is over, they are still very much with us; just now in a different form, spirit/energy, our true form, and I think they want very much for us to know they are still with us and are OK and safe.  When they cross over, they bring back the best of themselves, memories and the greatest of all - their love for us - which is always and forever.  Love never ends and the separation from our loved ones is only temporary.  Memories are priceless and it's so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.  The best gifts in the world are not material objectives that you can buy from a store, but in the memories we make with the people we love.  It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun.  Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will happen to us.

I think your love one would have wanted you to live your life to its fullest; and when you have completed your *schooling* here on this earth, you too will be taken home, and guess what, your loved one will be waiting with open arms and this time, you won't ever have to be separated again - because it will be forever. 

Continue to post; we are here at this date and time for a reason, to uplift one another - definitely, but more than that - to learn from one another and help one another through this journey.  

Francine,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, Charles. Thank you for taking the time to write and to share your words. Your msg made me cry and I know you are right. I think that he wouldn't want me to be this miserable but sometimes it just feels so hard. I just wanted to be with him. It is unfair for all of us to deal with this reality. I know it sounds crazy, but I still sometimes think that he is just away because I am having a very hard time with this reality. He had such a difficult life and I just wished he would have had had more time to enjoy life than he had. I know that he made his own decisions and I hear that from some people. He grew up with it with both parents being drug addicts and as hard as I tried to get him away from that whole life, I couldn't take him completely away. I tried, I tried so much to control everything but it wasn't enough and it breaks my heart every day that I couldn't fix it all. Thank you for your msg, sending you hugs...

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

Cat,

I do remember all too well that first year, the shock, the pain, the frantic anxiety...all our friends disappeared, life went on for everyone but me.  Then I lost my job too.  That was a very hard time, one I will never forget any part of.  It has been a long walk since then, 12 years worth...I found another job, I survived surgery on my own, I've been through so much and done it all alone.  Life is nothing like it was, but I continue to embrace the good in each day, although I have to look for it.  I've gotten used to the changes this has made to my life...gotten used to them but never are they my preference.  Still, I feel he is with me, unable to speak audibly, unable to physically hold me, but there...I continue on faith, the same as we started out on, knowing we'll be together again.  It's like he's on a long journey and I await the day we'll be reunited, no cellphones to talk on, no pictures to take, but there even though we can't see each other.  I felt as you did in my early days...I don't know how 12 years have gone by but they did, one day at a time, and each day I am one day closer to being with him again.

Thank you KayC and I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and everything that you have gone through. I appreciate your words. One day at a time is so difficult at times... I know I will see him and as I said at his memorial I cannot wait to see him again. I miss him so much, it physically hurts just as it did right after he passed. Each day that passes, I am one day closer to being with him, I will keep thinking that.. I don't know how else to deal with it sometimes... Thank you again and I am sending you hugs...

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1 hour ago, Cat said:

Ka9219,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. I do have those thoughts every single day. I get done what I have to do everyday but its hard to really enjoy anything. I hear from everyone its one day at a time but it just feels like such a long time that I will continue to feel the same way.... Thank you for your msg and I am sending you hugs and prayers as you continue this difficult road.

I'm going to the therapist, sometimes I wish she can tell me: the anger will be vanish in two weeks and the desperation will start to lesser in one month, but truth is, there is "no time", or at least not "expected time". Days will go slow and filled with thoughts, feelings, memories, and the constant struggle of being living without them. We have to appreciate the days we can go through without pain, almost in a constant state of numbness but I least it let us move without the heaviness that is constantly over our chest, and making harder to breath. Some days, in the middle of the pain we will be able to recall one good memory, and it will make us smile, feel the warmness in our heart, and the joy we once lived next to our love.

Time will be our enemy and our best friend, is the only thing we can hold on to, the only thing that might bring us hope. I can tell you that after almost three months I understand that the pain will live inside me, grieve will be "part of me", and some day despite the pain and grieve I'll be able to go back to "the normal". What I like to think is our love grows every day, I feel more love towards Mario that I felt yesterday, and I will love will tomorrow more than I am loving him today, and one day, love will be much bigger than pain, love will "overlap" or "overcome" the sorrow and that day will be the day I will learn how to handle my grieve.

Is not a path, is a journey.

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11 hours ago, Cat said:

I hear from everyone its one day at a time but it just feels like such a long time that I will continue to feel the same way....

It is the rest of our lives that we continue one day at a time...it's been 12 years for me and I still do one day at a time and always will...to try to think about more is too much.

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On ‎8‎/‎21‎/‎2017 at 11:08 PM, Ka9219 said:

I'm going to the therapist, sometimes I wish she can tell me: the anger will be vanish in two weeks and the desperation will start to lesser in one month, but truth is, there is "no time", or at least not "expected time". Days will go slow and filled with thoughts, feelings, memories, and the constant struggle of being living without them. We have to appreciate the days we can go through without pain, almost in a constant state of numbness but I least it let us move without the heaviness that is constantly over our chest, and making harder to breath. Some days, in the middle of the pain we will be able to recall one good memory, and it will make us smile, feel the warmness in our heart, and the joy we once lived next to our love.

Time will be our enemy and our best friend, is the only thing we can hold on to, the only thing that might bring us hope. I can tell you that after almost three months I understand that the pain will live inside me, grieve will be "part of me", and some day despite the pain and grieve I'll be able to go back to "the normal". What I like to think is our love grows every day, I feel more love towards Mario that I felt yesterday, and I will love will tomorrow more than I am loving him today, and one day, love will be much bigger than pain, love will "overlap" or "overcome" the sorrow and that day will be the day I will learn how to handle my grieve.

Is not a path, is a journey.

Ka9219,

Thank you for that msg. I also often wish that someone would say that I will feel better at some point. I do appreciate the says that I can get through and not feel so miserable but there are not that many of those days still. I will hope like you that one day love will be much bigger than the pain...

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On ‎8‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 9:16 AM, KayC said:

It is the rest of our lives that we continue one day at a time...it's been 12 years for me and I still do one day at a time and always will...to try to think about more is too much.

KayC,

This is something that I have to keep reminding myself about. It's hard to feel like everyone else is just going through their lives and I feel stuck but I can't imagine being with anyone else... But like you said, focus on one day at a time, thank you for the reminder.

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KayC is right. It's something that she tells everyone when they first come to the forum and it is wise advice that has served me well. It is so hard to look further than the present day now. And if you can't get through the day then get to the next hour, minute, or second. This cosmic shift in our existence has truly forced us to live in the here and now. 

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It's true, maybe it's because of my anxiety, I get easily overwhelmed, I have to stay in today it reduces everything down to something more bearable.

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