Lost my first love, lost everything

[FirstWasLast]

I sincerely don't know if anyone is going to read this...I guess I just need to talk to someone who understands, even if it's just the void.

I have always been difficult with men. Not the 'spoiled little brat'' kind of difficult, but the 'weird person'' kind of difficult. I struggled a lot when I was a teenager because I realised that I was attracted to older men and everybody around me thought that was abnormal. It took me many years to finally feel ok with myself and after various crushes -more or less insignificant-, I found love at 22. This man was everything I had dreamed of and the more I discovered his personality, the more in awe I was that such person could A) exist, and B) be interested in me. We were together a year and a half, by far the most wonderful time of my life. I was living the kind of happiness that makes anything that had come before it look so very dull. We were soulmates. He was my first everything and I simply couldn't believe my luck. Halfway through, he started having hip pains, then back pains, that got stronger by the week. After three months of trying everything, we found out. Lung cancer that had spread to the bones, brain and lymph nodes. He was hospitalised during the last three months of his life and I was by his side every single day. Call it denial, call it immaturity, I never thought he would die; but neither did he. We spent every day together, strong and determined to win what we considered would be a long and hard battle.

But he died, three months ago. I still can't believe he is gone. I still haven't understood what happened. I'm in a state of shock and denial where I still expect him to come back. I have lost all my will to live. I keep wishing my heart would simply stop beating. I'm not religious, so I don't know if we'd be reunited, but at least I wouldn't have to bear the crushing weight of a life without him. I feel like my soul has been chopped in pieces. Everything has become insignificant and even the other sources of happiness of my life -my friends, my work- fail to give meaning to my existence. I don't have the will or the courage to move forward, be active, be productive like anyone at my age should. I'm supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, but I feel desperate and I don't want that life without him. My brain hurts just by trying to process what happened, and when I try to imagine my future, all I see is darkness. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on after the loss of such perfection. How am i supposed to go out with other men when they all mean nothing to me compared to him? I was lucky enough to find happiness very early and unlucky to lose it early too. All I wish is to go to sleep and never wake again. I simply don't see a point in living a life where tragic things happen so easily, were extraordinary people are gone in the blink of an eye and all colour and true beauty is lost.

I feel old. I feel like no one understands, because they think that my young age is supposed to make me get back on my feet more easily. But I don't want to. All I want is to be with him and I don't ever want someone else taking his place. Ever since I lost him, I died on the inside, but I simply kept on existing. Nothing matters anymore. I want this to not hurt anymore. I am haunted by the life we would have lived together. A perfect life full of love, or even if it didn't turn out like that, a simple life with the right to a breakup. Millions of couples around me get to be together, spend time and then break up, and they just don't realise how lucky they are for that. We were denied even that. Everything would have been better if I had died too along with him. 

I have become an empty shell. I miss him so much my heart hurts. I hope it will eventually stop beating,

[chasnrosa]

Dear firstwaslast,

I also lost my husband to cancer. He died a week ago tomorrow. He was diagnosed in Feb 2017 with stage 4 cancer.  I took care of him all this time. Even before the diagnosis he was always in pain.  I'm 37 and he was 55.  We were together almost 10 years.  I knew he would die before me but not this soon.  I am so empty.  I understand exactly what you feel like. I don't have a job yet and not very many friends but I do have family and our animals. I don't know what to tell you except you're not alone. I know you feel like it. Yesterday was my daughter's 17th birthday and I can't stop crying because he used to love kids birthdays.  My heart is broken and I know you're is too.  I'm so sorry.  I hope it gets better because of it doesn't I can't take it.  I look at everyone and just see them working and spending time with friends and significant others and think, "what is the point?"  We work and take care of people there is no point to life.  I just hope we get better and can live with our losses. I'm sorry and I'm here if you need me. I can't promise I'll be happy and hopeful but I'm here.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...I read it and the story sounds so very familiar, only my husband died of a heart attack, unexpectedly and way too young.  It is a shock and it's hard to fathom, it all seemed surreal at first, it couldn't be!  How could it be!  How could anyone so vital, so full of life, DIE?!  It took me years to process his death, longer to find purpose, longer yet to create a life for myself that I can live.  Our friends disappeared that first week, it's hard starting from scratch...then I lost my job, that was at the beginning of the recession, and I found it hard to find another one.  But I did, and somehow I've survived these past 12 years.  He is still with me in spirit, I talk to him (no, I'm not crazy!), I proceed on faith, the same faith our relationship was built on.  I DO believe wholeheartedly that we'll be together again, and since I've had a NDE I know that when life passes from this to the next it is peaceful, alluring, nothing to fear.  He is well, and I will be with him again.  Everything about my life is different now but I still draw strength and comfort from him, deep inside me, for having had him in my life, for knowing his love, his belief in me.  It is not grief that binds us together, it is our love, and because of that I can smile again, but it took me some time to figure this all out, it didn't happen overnight.  This grief journey is long and not easy, but neither is it something we can't do.  He will be with you every step of the way.

[FirstWasLast]

17 hours ago, chasnrosa said:

Dear firstwaslast,

I also lost my husband to cancer. He died a week ago tomorrow. He was diagnosed in Feb 2017 with stage 4 cancer.  I took care of him all this time. Even before the diagnosis he was always in pain.  I'm 37 and he was 55.  We were together almost 10 years.  I knew he would die before me but not this soon.  I am so empty.  I understand exactly what you feel like. I don't have a job yet and not very many friends but I do have family and our animals. I don't know what to tell you except you're not alone. I know you feel like it. Yesterday was my daughter's 17th birthday and I can't stop crying because he used to love kids birthdays.  My heart is broken and I know you're is too.  I'm so sorry.  I hope it gets better because of it doesn't I can't take it.  I look at everyone and just see them working and spending time with friends and significant others and think, "what is the point?"  We work and take care of people there is no point to life.  I just hope we get better and can live with our losses. I'm sorry and I'm here if you need me. I can't promise I'll be happy and hopeful but I'm here.

Hello dear stranger,

It seems unreal to me that we don't even know each other and yet you feel so familiar to me through your words. Especially what you said, ''I knew he would die before me but not this soon'', hits too close to home. We had a big age gap like you, so I knew I'd be a widow young ; only, not THAT young. The timeframe of your journey is way too similar to mine, February 2017, stage 4 cancer... Only my love was gone in May. You're still in the first week, unfortunately I can't tell you how mine was because I have no memory of it. It's all blank, like my brain couldn't store memories from that time. All I remember is being unable to speak or get out of bed and a deep irritation with the people surrounding me. I'd never dare to tell them that cause it would be so ungrateful, but I feel like I can confess it here. Except for practical matters, like going to the super market for me, they didn't help ; they just added to my stress because they were so worried about me that I felt they needed comforting and they wouldn't leave me alone. Also, they simply can't understand. I don't know if your daughter adds to your stress or maybe gives you the will to keep going... Ever since I lost him, I keep wishing I had a child with him. Perhaps, in that case I'd have something to fight for. Now, I have nothing. I'm left with myself and that's just not motivational enough to keep going.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel like you're among the few people on this planet that truly know how I feel. I don't know how we'll get through this. I'm here for you too.

[FirstWasLast]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss...I read it and the story sounds so very familiar, only my husband died of a heart attack, unexpectedly and way too young.  It is a shock and it's hard to fathom, it all seemed surreal at first, it couldn't be!  How could it be!  How could anyone so vital, so full of life, DIE?!  It took me years to process his death, longer to find purpose, longer yet to create a life for myself that I can live.  Our friends disappeared that first week, it's hard starting from scratch...then I lost my job, that was at the beginning of the recession, and I found it hard to find another one.  But I did, and somehow I've survived these past 12 years.  He is still with me in spirit, I talk to him (no, I'm not crazy!), I proceed on faith, the same faith our relationship was built on.  I DO believe wholeheartedly that we'll be together again, and since I've had a NDE I know that when life passes from this to the next it is peaceful, alluring, nothing to fear.  He is well, and I will be with him again.  Everything about my life is different now but I still draw strength and comfort from him, deep inside me, for having had him in my life, for knowing his love, his belief in me.  It is not grief that binds us together, it is our love, and because of that I can smile again, but it took me some time to figure this all out, it didn't happen overnight.  This grief journey is long and not easy, but neither is it something we can't do.  He will be with you every step of the way.

Hello to you too, dear stranger. 

It does seem unreal to me that you're still here twelve years later. It seems unbearable to me, unconceivable. I am not religious so I can't hold on to faith, however I do seek him around me and I feel like I sense him sometimes, although I'm still unsure and pessimistic. He still hasn't visited me in my dream, which has happened with other dead loved ones, so that's mainly the reason I doubt. I don't know if he can't come in my dream, or he doesn't want to... I don't know if him dying of a disease and then being burned doesn't allow that kind of communication... I really don't know, and these are just random thoughts I get which make me feel like I'm going nuts sometimes. 

Since this is an online discussion and each one of us is safe behind a screen, I dare to ask two somewhat indiscreet questions. Obviously, you can choose whether to reply to them or not. 

Could you tell me more about your NDE?

Have you ever been able to be with another man since losing your husband?

Whether you reply or not, thank you for taking the time to write to me. I admire your strength.

[KayC]

Faith and religion are not the same thing.  Faith IS holding onto, believing, trusting.  Try not to worry about whether he comes in a dream or not, it took me 1-2 years before I dreamed of him, I couldn't understand why when we were always together, so close, but it's not a measure of your love or relationship whether they come or not.

My NDE was when my kids were little, I was giving blood at a bloodbank and they said my bloodpressure was borderline, still they took the blood, and then they lost me.  I saw them working on me, I saw my kids watching, everyone looked terrified, but it was blissful, peaceful, I could see them below me, working on my body.  It was alluring to go, I wanted to, but I didn't want my kids raised alone by their dad, I had a choice, I chose to come back...and then I did.

I had a second one when I was operated on, they overanethesized me and I died on the operating table.  It was much like the first time, again I had a choice, I have a dog and a cat that need me so I chose to come back, and I did. (They gave me chest compressions that restarted my heart.)  But it was VERY alluring to go, hard to resist the urge, it was my love for my children and my love for my animals that returned me.  I will go when it is my time.

You ask if I've been with someone since my husband died...yes, unfortunately.  After my husband died a man called, said he was his friend, we talked, since all my friends disappeared I was desperate to talk to someone.  We eventually got married and that was when I learned it wasn't a normal marriage, he didn't live with me.  He was a con, he used my credit for $57,000 and then disappeared.  I had to file a missing person's report...he was found living with another woman in our motor home, which I got stuck paying for along with our car.  I remortgaged my home for $104,000 in all to cover my loss, I will be paying on it until I am 80.  NOT a good memory, but a lesson learned nonetheless.  I have decided to content myself with my memories of my George, he was the greatest thing in all my life and I have never run into anyone who came even close to being the man he was.  The other one...he is a bad memory I choose not to dwell on.

[Djh0901kc]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

 

You ask if I've been with someone since my husband died...yes, unfortunately.  After my husband died a man called, said he was his friend, we talked, since all my friends disappeared I was desperate to talk to someone.  We eventually got married and that was when I learned it wasn't a normal marriage, he didn't live with me.  He was a con, he used my credit for $57,000 and then disappeared.  I had to file a missing person's report...he was found living with another woman in our motor home, which I got stuck paying for along with our car.  I remortgaged my home for $104,000 in all to cover my loss, I will be paying on it until I am 80.  NOT a good memory, but a lesson learned nonetheless.  I have decided to content myself with my memories of my George, he was the greatest thing in all my life and I have never run into anyone who came even close to being the man he was.  The other one...he is a bad memory I choose not to dwell on.

This is so surprising to me based on everything I've seen you post since I joined the site. No wonder you talk about how you haven't had a day as happy as your most mundane day with George since he died. I'm even more confident now that my wife will be my first and last until the day I die.

[KayC]

I realize it never would have happened had I not been griefstricken and abandoned by all my friends.  I've warned others away from doing this, it was a horrible time.  The thing is, we are not in our right minds after we lose our spouse, at least I wasn't, I was frantic, anxious, and this was my attempt to "rebuild my life"...the totally wrong thing to do!  I had a hard time forgiving myself this mistake, but honestly, I know George would be the first person to understand and want to comfort me, come to my defense, that's just how he was, he always understood everything about me.  That people can deliberately take advantage of someone at their most vulnerable place is deplorable, but unfortunately, some of those scum take up space on this earth.  When I married George, my reason was because I could not imagine life without him, no one else would do.  If we can't feel that way about someone, we have no business getting married, it's not enough to marry someone so you won't be alone, or you're afraid, or whatever.  Maybe for some people it is, but not for me.  

[FirstWasLast]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

You ask if I've been with someone since my husband died...yes, unfortunately.  After my husband died a man called, said he was his friend, we talked, since all my friends disappeared I was desperate to talk to someone.  We eventually got married and that was when I learned it wasn't a normal marriage, he didn't live with me.  He was a con, he used my credit for $57,000 and then disappeared.  I had to file a missing person's report...he was found living with another woman in our motor home, which I got stuck paying for along with our car.  I remortgaged my home for $104,000 in all to cover my loss, I will be paying on it until I am 80.  NOT a good memory, but a lesson learned nonetheless.  I have decided to content myself with my memories of my George, he was the greatest thing in all my life and I have never run into anyone who came even close to being the man he was.  The other one...he is a bad memory I choose not to dwell on.

Unbelievable... This person took advantage of you at your most vulnerable phase, this is so incredibly unfair. I hope you are now surrounded by worthy people, and hopefully justice will be served by life for him.

[KayC]

Oh karma has already paid him some visits.  The gal he was living with when the police found him has since died of liver failure, and no one claimed her ashes, not even deadbeat him.  His mom died.  He got throat cancer.  He didn't notify social security when he got well and started working so now they're after him for collecting when he shouldn't have.  Haven't heard anything since but those kind are their own undoing.
 

It's hard for me to talk about because it's embarrassing, I feel so foolish for being taken in like that, but sometimes it needs talked about so others don't go through the same thing.  We need to be aware, when we lose our partner that we are extremely vulnerable and not in our right minds...we have brainfog, normal in the early months of grief, it's hard to focus or think with any clarity, and we're so desperate...it's a huge shock and just when you need them the most, your friends leave.  These are the things no one talks about.  It can happen to anyone, but it didn't, it happened to me, only I was the one stupid enough...

[FirstWasLast]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

It's hard for me to talk about because it's embarrassing, I feel so foolish for being taken in like that, but sometimes it needs talked about so others don't go through the same thing.  We need to be aware, when we lose our partner that we are extremely vulnerable and not in our right minds...we have brainfog, normal in the early months of grief, it's hard to focus or think with any clarity, and we're so desperate...it's a huge shock and just when you need them the most, your friends leave.  These are the things no one talks about.  It can happen to anyone, but it didn't, it happened to me, only I was the one stupid enough...

Please don't say that! Never, not even for one second, did I think ''this is a stupid woman'' All I thought was ''this is a hurt person, who needed love and affection and someone grossly took advantage of that''. It could happen to anyone, you are very right about the brainfog. We've lost a wonderful situation and at times we'd be ready to do anything to find a substitute. I may have not been taken advantage of financially, but it almost happened sexually because I was craving that beautiful physical contact I had with my partner. The only reason I didn't go through with it was because I still can't imagine another man touching me. 

But please don't beat yourself up like this! You were the one that said that George would be the first to understand everything you did!

[Ka9219]

Hi, I might understand you in several ways. As you I was different back then when I was a teenager, I was not the "social-type" I didn't have so much friends, mostly because I was socially awkward, so I had my first boyfriend until I was 20 and it ended up being an awful relationship, after that I found "true love", Mario, my boyfriend he was the love of my life, the person who loved the most and the person I will love forever, we were meant to be together and since the first day we met we knew that. I felt so loved and finally I fitted in this world because I knew I was born to make each other happy.

Unfortunately he passed away of brain death after a accident with his own car. It was a sudden death and it totally breaks me down, next Saturday will be three months since he passed away. I have never been very religious, and therefore I don't know if there is a heaven or paradise, but I hold on to the idea he is good an he is happy and filled with peace, I don't know where did he left but I am sure that we all go "there" when we died, so, wherever he is I know I'll reunited with him when my times comes.

Also I have felt this lack of meaning in my life, I was passionate by my career and now it doesn't feel like something "worth it" or a source of motivation, I am 25 years old, a lot of people could said that my life have just started, but the reality is that the rest of the years I'll have to spend "living" will be some sort of nightmare, because when Mario died, I died to, but I was forced to keep living and walking and breathing, when inside of me I feel dead. I don't care and neither want to think in the possibilities of "dating" again, I had found the love of my life, so I don't have to look for anything else in the world. IF it happens will be in another moment, for now, as an advice, don't think about it.

Three months is a short period of time, even if we felt like have been years and decades of suffering and struggling, we are only at the third month, so sadness, anger, loneliness, desperation, are part of grieving. I wish I could deny it but reality is here and I can't change the fact Mario is gone. It hurts and I know it will always hurt.

Be patient, take one day at a time, take your time and do what feels good for you.

Hugs  

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Be patient, take one day at a time, take your time and do what feels good for you.

Good advice!

[Eagle-96]

Sadly, death brings out both the best AND the worst in humanity. People we never thought would be there for us step up to the plate and carry us when we cannot. People we expect to have our backs are nowhere to be found. It makes me wonder what they thought of us all along. Did they ever really care or are they afraid to be around someone that reminds them of the ultimate pain in life. Then there are the predators. The scum of the Earth. It is a lesson that can be learned either the hard way or through the heeding of the advice of others. 

KayC you were very brave to tell your story. I can't imagine it was easy to write those words but in writing them you opened the eyes of so many to the dangers that are out there for those of us that grieve. Thank you for that. Scamming the broken souls of society is yet another road block we must deal with, as if we didn't have enough already.

[FirstWasLast]

12 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Hi, I might understand you in several ways. As you I was different back then when I was a teenager, I was not the "social-type" I didn't have so much friends, mostly because I was socially awkward, so I had my first boyfriend until I was 20 and it ended up being an awful relationship, after that I found "true love", Mario, my boyfriend he was the love of my life, the person who loved the most and the person I will love forever, we were meant to be together and since the first day we met we knew that. I felt so loved and finally I fitted in this world because I knew I was born to make each other happy.

Unfortunately he passed away of brain death after a accident with his own car. It was a sudden death and it totally breaks me down, next Saturday will be three months since he passed away. I have never been very religious, and therefore I don't know if there is a heaven or paradise, but I hold on to the idea he is good an he is happy and filled with peace, I don't know where did he left but I am sure that we all go "there" when we died, so, wherever he is I know I'll reunited with him when my times comes.

Also I have felt this lack of meaning in my life, I was passionate by my career and now it doesn't feel like something "worth it" or a source of motivation, I am 25 years old, a lot of people could said that my life have just started, but the reality is that the rest of the years I'll have to spend "living" will be some sort of nightmare, because when Mario died, I died to, but I was forced to keep living and walking and breathing, when inside of me I feel dead. I don't care and neither want to think in the possibilities of "dating" again, I had found the love of my life, so I don't have to look for anything else in the world. IF it happens will be in another moment, for now, as an advice, don't think about it.

Three months is a short period of time, even if we felt like have been years and decades of suffering and struggling, we are only at the third month, so sadness, anger, loneliness, desperation, are part of grieving. I wish I could deny it but reality is here and I can't change the fact Mario is gone. It hurts and I know it will always hurt.

Be patient, take one day at a time, take your time and do what feels good for you.

Hugs  

It's definitely a certain relief in my pain to see that I'm not the only one going through this. Our experiences are indeed very similar, so are our ages, and I really wish I could give you a hug right now. I don't know if it sounds selfish, but I was never worried about my partner after he was gone. I was convinced he had found peace and that it was all over for him, the good and the bad. All I worry about are the people left behind, because they are the ones that must bear a crushing new weight. As far as being reunited with him after my death, I simply don't know; I certainly hope though.

It's already been three months, and it's only been three months. That's the contradiction I'm living and I believe you can understand it. However, what makes me lose hope is the knowledge that it will always hurt, and that what I had was very, very rare to find. I don't know how I'll get through this. I do wish the best for you though.

[Ka9219]

49 minutes ago, FirstWasLast said:

It's definitely a certain relief in my pain to see that I'm not the only one going through this. Our experiences are indeed very similar, so are our ages, and I really wish I could give you a hug right now. I don't know if it sounds selfish, but I was never worried about my partner after he was gone. I was convinced he had found peace and that it was all over for him, the good and the bad. All I worry about are the people left behind, because they are the ones that must bear a crushing new weight. As far as being reunited with him after my death, I simply don't know; I certainly hope though.

It's already been three months, and it's only been three months. That's the contradiction I'm living and I believe you can understand it. However, what makes me lose hope is the knowledge that it will always hurt, and that what I had was very, very rare to find. I don't know how I'll get through this. I do wish the best for you though.

I think is not selfish at all, is reality. The pain, sadness, and suffering is for the ones who remain living after they died, his passing leave us in a deep sorrow, with a lot of questions and uncertainty. Also, none of us knows if we will be reunited, all we have is faith, that's is why we "hope".

Yes, it's hard to explain but I understand you, time "change" for us. Try to think that despite the pain stays, we will be able to learn how to lived with it. One day we will wake up and the pain will be there but we will be able to move "almost as it was before". We will carry them with in our hearts with more love than pain, and we will be able of recall memories and smile. For me, knowing the pain will be here always inside me, is a sign that I loved him and I will love him forever, I will honor him by remember him daily, and I'll keep my promise that I'll love him until my last breath, because love is beyond barriers, death is not capable of stopping or invalidate our love towards him

[KayC]

I would not call this exactly "pain", it's different, it's something you carry inside you and it's always there, yes, perhaps a sadness, a missing them, it's part of you, but it's nothing like the pain of the early years, it's doable.

[Eagle-96]

16 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

It's already been three months, and it's only been three months. That's the contradiction I'm living and I believe you can understand it. However, what makes me lose hope is the knowledge that it will always hurt, and that what I had was very, very rare to find. I don't know how I'll get through this. I do wish the best for you though.

I find it hard to fathom that I haven't hugged or kissed Lori for almost five months. I haven't looked into her amazing blue eyes. Haven't seen that beautiful smile. Haven't heard her laugh or held her hand. FIVE months. But then I think that I am only five months into this journey that may last 30-40 years. My heart sinks at that realization. That the rest of my life might last longer than the fourteen years I was with Lori. 

[FirstWasLast]

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I find it hard to fathom that I haven't hugged or kissed Lori for almost five months. I haven't looked into her amazing blue eyes. Haven't seen that beautiful smile. Haven't heard her laugh or held her hand. FIVE months. But then I think that I am only five months into this journey that may last 30-40 years. My heart sinks at that realization. That the rest of my life might last longer than the fourteen years I was with Lori. 

Exactly. 30-40 years right now seems like a mountain that I simply don't want to climb. Also, the idea that someone might ever take his place...unconceivable.

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, FirstWasLast said:

 Also, the idea that someone might ever take his place...unconceivable.

I've made the decision that although I'm only 45, I will choose to go it alone. Whether its 30 days or 30 years. When I vowed to Lori on our wedding day, I didn't just mean her forever. I meant my forever too. 

[FirstWasLast]

34 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

I've made the decision that although I'm only 45, I will choose to go it alone. Whether its 30 days or 30 years. When I vowed to Lori on our wedding day I didn't just mean her forever. I meant my forever too. 

You are so young... But I definitely understand your choice because I feel exactly the same. My problem is that for me a life without love and intimacy is an empty one, but the only love and intimacy I want is with him...so my life is empty.

[KMB]

8 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

I definitely understand your choice because I feel exactly the same. My problem is that for me a life without love and intimacy is an empty one, but the only love and intimacy I want is with him...so my life is empty.

Exactly. I will be 58 in a few weeks. Only my husband for me. I'll go through the hard wait for our reunion in eternity.

[Ka9219]

13 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I didn't just mean her forever. I meant my forever too. 

I love this, I totally understand you, we promised things and is also fair for us, to not push ourselves against what feels wrong.

 

[KylieL]

Hi, I think I can relate to how you feel. Im turning 22 this year. My boyfriend is my first love. We couldnt meet often, we talked on phone all the time. Long distance didnt make me love him less, instead, it made me know that we're perfect for each other, we're true love. The day I lost him, I lost my whole world. I recently graduate, I have no job, I lost passion for my future career. I wish I have some terminal diseases and die earlier so I can be re-united with him or at least I don't have to worry about the years without him. I don't know when my day comes, so right now, it's hard, but all I can do is to find a way to not feel bad. 

I can't imagine being with someone else so I don't imagine it, that's the future no one knows. I dont know if there will be any changes in my mind and suddenly make me want to be with someone else, but now I just want him. And spirits and reunion, none of us can tell if it's real or not. so those are something we don't know and will never know until it happens to us. I choose what makes me feel better. It may sound crazy, I want to believe that we will be re-united so I find some readings and videos about the idea that makes me believe it. 

Like what Ka9219 said, dont think about the future now, just focus on today, and do what you like to feel good. 

[Eagle-96]

I don't begrudge people for finding love again. In fact, it is very courageous to put yourself out there again knowing how painful it is to lose a soulmate. I respect your bravery. It is everyone's personal choice with how they feel about loving again. For me it is simple. I married for life and so did Lori. Although the next 30-35 years might be lonely I choose to be true to Lori and will wait until we are re-united however long that may be. Again, that is my personal decision and it doesn't make my choice right or others wrong. We each decide on the path we walk. 

[FirstWasLast]

5 hours ago, KylieL said:

Hi, I think I can relate to how you feel. Im turning 22 this year. My boyfriend is my first love. We couldnt meet often, we talked on phone all the time. Long distance didnt make me love him less, instead, it made me know that we're perfect for each other, we're true love. The day I lost him, I lost my whole world. I recently graduate, I have no job, I lost passion for my future career. I wish I have some terminal diseases and die earlier so I can be re-united with him or at least I don't have to worry about the years without him. I don't know when my day comes, so right now, it's hard, but all I can do is to find a way to not feel bad. 

I can't imagine being with someone else so I don't imagine it, that's the future no one knows. I dont know if there will be any changes in my mind and suddenly make me want to be with someone else, but now I just want him. And spirits and reunion, none of us can tell if it's real or not. so those are something we don't know and will never know until it happens to us. I choose what makes me feel better. It may sound crazy, I want to believe that we will be re-united so I find some readings and videos about the idea that makes me believe it. 

Like what Ka9219 said, dont think about the future now, just focus on today, and do what you like to feel good. 

Yes, yes to every single word you wrote. I do focus on today and try to do what feels good, but the thing is nothing feels good. Everything has lost its colour, taste, meaning. It all seems so faded. I know I am scarred for life, and the only thing that gives me hope right now is the possibility of this life being short.

[KMB]

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I don't begrudge people for finding love again. In fact, it is very courageous to put yourself out there again knowing how painful it is to lose a soulmate. I respect your bravery. It is everyone's personal choice with how they feel about loving again. For me it is simple. I married for life and so did Lori. Although the next 30-35 years might be lonely I choose to be true to Lori and will wait until we are re-united however long that may be. Again, that is my personal decision and it doesn't make my choice right or others wrong. We each decide on the path we walk. 

I agree with your post, Sean.  With me, at my age, I can project another 10, 20, or 30+ years, but who really knows? With this constant cloud of sadness I carry, the burden of stress with maintaining house and property alone,  who really knows? The heart can only handle so much, figuratively and literally.

[KayC]

I've found it's too hard to think about the future, I have to stay in today, that's enough to deal with.  When my best friend remarried, I was truly happy for her...although I know someday either her or her husband will be facing this once again, I don't envy them that.

[FirstWasLast]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I've found it's too hard to think about the future, I have to stay in today, that's enough to deal with.  When my best friend remarried, I was truly happy for her...although I know someday either her or her husband will be facing this once again, I don't envy them that.

I know exactly what you mean, and it doesn't only apply to partners, but also family members, dear friends and so on. I've come to believe that if there's a tiny positive thing about dying young, it's that you never have to experience the pain of such loss...or at least not too many times. Every time I see an 80-90+ year old, all I can think is how much heartbreak they must have gone through in such a long life.

[Eagle-96]

3 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

I know exactly what you mean, and it doesn't only apply to partners, but also family members, dear friends and so on. I've come to believe that if there's a tiny positive thing about dying young, it's that you never have to experience the pain of such loss...or at least not too many times. Every time I see an 80-90+ year old, all I can think is how much heartbreak they must have gone through in such a long life.

I also think that we have been through possibly the greatest pain we will ever endure in losing our soulmate. I then think to myself that although I will certainly go through more death in my life(parents, siblings, in-laws, friends) they couldn't possibly be more difficult than this, could they. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that it couldn't get any worse.  Maybe it's just a fools game I am playing.

[FirstWasLast]

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

I also think that we have been through possibly the greatest pain we will ever endure in losing our soulmate. I then think to myself that although I will certainly go through more death in my life(parents, siblings, in-laws, friends) they couldn't possibly be more difficult than this, could they. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that it couldn't get any worse.  Maybe it's just a fools game I am playing.

No, I agree with that completely. I think the only pain that's at least equal -but probably bigger- would be the loss of a child. If you think about it, a partner and/or a child are what you usually live for. Parents, siblings, friends, all contribute to your happiness, but it's not who you live FOR. So, if you lose either of the two, you can't possibly feel more empty.

[KylieL]

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I also think that we have been through possibly the greatest pain we will ever endure in losing our soulmate. I then think to myself that although I will certainly go through more death in my life(parents, siblings, in-laws, friends) they couldn't possibly be more difficult than this, could they. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that it couldn't get any worse.  Maybe it's just a fools game I am playing.

Me too. Parents, siblings, friends ... they are with us but not anytime. Soulmates are the one who spend their entire life with us, and we are supposed to be together forever. I dont know if it sounds selfish, but in the first few days I thought if it wasn't my boyfriend, it wouldnt be so lonely for me to deal with the loss, because as long as I have him, I feel hope. 

[KayC]

Loss is harder after we lose our spouse because we have no one to go through it with.  Before we always had each other to lean on, but now we're on our own as we lose others.

[KylieL]

On 2017/8/24 at 11:41 PM, FirstWasLast said:

Yes, yes to every single word you wrote. I do focus on today and try to do what feels good, but the thing is nothing feels good. Everything has lost its colour, taste, meaning. It all seems so faded. I know I am scarred for life, and the only thing that gives me hope right now is the possibility of this life being short.

I said similar things in my thread. Yes I wish death comes to me now, but the cruel truth is Im still alive until i get that invitation.

Probably "good" isn't the best word but "comfortable"? I sometimes do nothing. Sometimes, I just want to show how much I love him. I dont know who I want to show to... him, god, I dont know. I promised I will spend my entire life loving him so I find ways to do that, even though I cant speak to him directly. I draw. I paint. I imagine he is still here with me, and turn my imagination into pictures. I wrote letters, dairies. I cant be sure if it feels "good", I just don't know what I can do other than loving him. 

[FirstWasLast]

29 minutes ago, KylieL said:

Me too. Parents, siblings, friends ... they are with us but not anytime. Soulmates are the one who spend their entire life with us, and we are supposed to be together forever. I dont know if it sounds selfish, but in the first few days I thought if it wasn't my boyfriend, it wouldnt be so lonely for me to deal with the loss, because as long as I have him, I feel hope. 

It's not selfish at all, at least not to me. When I see men around his age, I often catch myself thinking ''why aren't they dead instead''? It's a horrible thought and I have nothing against these men, but I can't help it. I also sometimes wish that one of his brothers or close friends would have died instead of him, because it seems to me that it would be 1000 times easier to support him during that kind of loss rather that bear his loss on my own. I do feel like a monster for writing that out though...

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, FirstWasLast said:

It's not selfish at all, at least not to me. When I see men around his age, I often catch myself thinking ''why aren't they dead instead''? It's a horrible thought and I have nothing against these men, but I can't help it. I also sometimes wish that one of his brothers or close friends would have died instead of him, because it seems to me that it would be 1000 times easier to support him during that kind of loss rather that bear his loss on my own. I do feel like a monster for writing that out though...

You are not a monster at all. After Lori died I had some friends and family members that had medical procedures performed. I felt the same way when they came out ok. I was glad they made it but how could they be healthy when Lori didn't make it. My SIL(the one with the same horrible heart genes as Lori) had a heart cath performed as a precaution. It came out perfect with no blockage. I was happy she was ok but in the back of my mind I could only think "why did Lori die and my SIL is ok". I too felt bad for thinking it but I think it all goes back to our search for that alternate scenario or universe where things turned out differently.  

[FirstWasLast]

3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 I think it all goes back to our search for that alternate scenario or universe where things turned out differently.  

Tell me about it.. I'm haunted by this alternative, seemingly perfect life every single day.

[Lulu]

4 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

It's not selfish at all, at least not to me. When I see men around his age, I often catch myself thinking ''why aren't they dead instead''? It's a horrible thought and I have nothing against these men, but I can't help it. I also sometimes wish that one of his brothers or close friends would have died instead of him, because it seems to me that it would be 1000 times easier to support him during that kind of loss rather that bear his loss on my own. I do feel like a monster for writing that out though...

Although I don't necessarily wonder why others are not dead, when I see older individuals or people who are surviving through cancer diagnosis, I do wonder why do they get to live long lives while Lily wasn't? She was so healthy, didn't smoke, drink, do drugs. her only vice was a sweet tooth, but she didn't go overboard and she ate well. Had never been sick or had any major or minor surgeries until last year when she got sick. I wonder why her and why was she not able to beat it? she handled the chemo and surgery well last year and was always a delight to others in the hospital and cancer center, but then it suddently came back with a vengeance and she never had a chance. why? I don't understand and I never will but I do often say why them and not Lily? I sometimes feel bad about thinking it too but it's an honest question. Why?

[FirstWasLast]

9 hours ago, Lulu said:

Although I don't necessarily wonder why others are not dead, when I see older individuals or people who are surviving through cancer diagnosis, I do wonder why do they get to live long lives while Lily wasn't? She was so healthy, didn't smoke, drink, do drugs. her only vice was a sweet tooth, but she didn't go overboard and she ate well. Had never been sick or had any major or minor surgeries until last year when she got sick. I wonder why her and why was she not able to beat it? she handled the chemo and surgery well last year and was always a delight to others in the hospital and cancer center, but then it suddently came back with a vengeance and she never had a chance. why? I don't understand and I never will but I do often say why them and not Lily? I sometimes feel bad about thinking it too but it's an honest question. Why?

The most cynical response I've gotten to that question was ''why NOT her?'' I guess life is so random and death so unpredictable that there is no justice. I've seen overweight people who smoke and drink make it to 80 or 90, and then healthy, young people who take care of themselves, like your partner and mine, leave terribly soon. It's painfully random. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

I often catch myself thinking ''why aren't they dead instead''?

It's a common grief response, wondering why your person instead of someone else.  Of course we don't wish someone else dead!  But you can't help but wonder why yours had to die, you weren't done with him, you need him around still!  The truth is, loss is not fair, nothing fair about it.  I've never found rhyme or reason how it works out like it does.  

[KayC]

4 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

The most cynical response I've gotten to that question was ''why NOT her?''

I had a friend years ago who lost his wife AND babies, in a car accident.  He was really struggling and someone told him, "why not you?" (that it happened to) and he said that made sense to him, because it was all rather random and it happens, death is part of life...we just don't expect it so soon!!  I remember every April he had a hard time, that was when the deaths occurred.  He remarried and had three boys (he'd lost girls the first time) but his wife was really understanding about his emotions, he would often get away to be by himself sometime in April.

[FirstWasLast]

32 minutes ago, KayC said:

I had a friend years ago who lost his wife AND babies, in a car accident.  He was really struggling and someone told him, "why not you?" (that it happened to) and he said that made sense to him, because it was all rather random and it happens, death is part of life...we just don't expect it so soon!!  I remember every April he had a hard time, that was when the deaths occurred.  He remarried and had three boys (he'd lost girls the first time) but his wife was really understanding about his emotions, he would often get away to be by himself sometime in April.

That's actually something I've been thinking lately... I think I'll start a new topic with hurtful things people say to someone grieving.

[M88]

Crikey, if someone said to me 'why not you?  Even 19 months since my hubby was killed, 

On 27/08/2017 at 0:29 AM, KayC said:

I had a friend years ago who lost his wife AND babies, in a car accident.  He was really struggling and someone told him, "why not you?" (that it happened to) and he said that made sense to him, because it was all rather random and it happens, death is part of life...we just don't expect it so soon!!  I remember every April he had a hard time, that was when the deaths occurred.  He remarried and had three boys (he'd lost girls the first time) but his wife was really understanding about his emotions, he would often get away to be by himself sometime in April.

Crikey, if someone said to me "why not you?" that would tip me over the edge - even now 19 months since my hubby was killed:( 

[LoveGoli]

On 8/25/2017 at 10:28 PM, FirstWasLast said:

It's not selfish at all, at least not to me. When I see men around his age, I often catch myself thinking ''why aren't they dead instead''? It's a horrible thought and I have nothing against these men, but I can't help it. I also sometimes wish that one of his brothers or close friends would have died instead of him, because it seems to me that it would be 1000 times easier to support him during that kind of loss rather that bear his loss on my own. I do feel like a monster for writing that out though...

I think the same, last to last Saturday, my husband's friend came to our home to meet me and I was looking at all of them and wondering that they all are alive and living normal life with their wife and baby then why only my life changed. My husband was the youngest person among all of his friends, all of them are 32 or 33 and he just turned 30 this march and after 3 months I lost him. All his friends drink and smoke occasionally but my Goli never drink or smoke then why him, why he left this shitty earth so soon. 

I never let him buy bike because due to past mis-happening in my family, I was so scared of accidents so I told him that I will gift car to you in 1 or 2 years and I was saving money for that but all these plans are now gone and I hate all that money in my account which I was saving for us,  If I ever knew that he gonna leave me so soon then I will surely allow him to buy bike and let him enjoy  but I was so scared about the accidents outsides so i thought Car would be safe. 

 

 

[TooDevastated]

On 25.08.2017 at 6:03 PM, FirstWasLast said:

I think the only pain that's at least equal -but probably bigger- would be the loss of a child. If you think about it, a partner and/or a child are what you usually live for. Parents, siblings, friends, all contribute to your happiness, but it's not who you live FOR. So, if you lose either of the two, you can't possibly feel more empty.

Definitely agree. I would have sacrified anyone else in my life than to lose my partner. I'd be really devastated to have lost one of them too but then I'd at least have my soulmate to go through that pain. That would have been a lot easier. 

[FirstWasLast]

5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

My husband was the youngest person among all of his friends, all of them are 32 or 33 and he just turned 30 this march and after 3 months I lost him. All his friends drink and smoke occasionally but my Goli never drink or smoke then why him, why he left this shitty earth so soon. 

There's no making sense of it... My partner was the youngest of his brothers and friends too, and by almost a decade, so nobody expected him to die first. And his lifestyle was ideal: no smoking, barely any meat in his diet, exercise, fresh fruit and vegetables every day... It's just not fair.

[FirstWasLast]

1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

Definitely agree. I would have sacrified anyone else in my life than to lose my partner. I'd be really devastated to have lost one of them too but then I'd at least have my soulmate to go through that pain. That would have been a lot easier. 

I've often caught myself thinking after his death that if we had had a child together, a part of him would still be alive and I'd have a reason to keep on living, keep fighting for something. It's a silly thought because I felt too young to have a child and we weren't in that phase at all, so it's not like it could have been possible. When  someone loses a partner and is left to raise a child on their own, everybody thinks it's a terrible situation. While there are a lot of serious practical and financial issues that would arise, I can't help but envy these people in a way, because it seems to me like they at least have something to live FOR. But maybe I'm just being overly romantic, who knows...

[Eagle-96]

On 8/26/2017 at 8:03 AM, FirstWasLast said:

That's actually something I've been thinking lately... I think I'll start a new topic with hurtful things people say to someone grieving.

Not sure the site has enough bandwidth to handle all of the hurtful things people say to us. 

[KayC]

FirstWasLast,

I think it is a double sided coin...on the one hand, it has to be hard to raise a child on your own and know they won't remember their other parent, but by the same token, it certainly gives incentive to keep going, someone to love and care for.

[FirstWasLast]

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

Not sure the site has enough bandwidth to handle all of the hurtful things people say to us. 

I've created the thread a couple of days now. You can find it in my profile and you'll see that amazingly enough, we've all heard too many similar things.